The women platformed here show us what’s possible when we honor ourselves and honor each other. In this fifth installment of our feature shining a light on powerful women—nominated by their peers—who are leading the mindfulness movement, a common thread ties each of their stories: the strength to live with open eyes and an open heart, even when it would be easier to shut down and tune out. They exemplify the courage to listen deeply, to be fully present with themselves and the world around them, to welcome the moment and work with it. They’ve each shaped unique practices that nourish their growth and calling. And in sharing their stories, they bolster us with inspiration so that each of us may, in our own way, do the same.
Embrace What’s Broken
Brenda K. Mitchell
Pastor, Activist, Teacher
All her adult life, Brenda K. Mitchell has rightly been known as a strong tower in her community: driven, politically active, rising up in her career. As a pastor, she cares deeply for others and gets things done.
When her 31-year-old son Kenneth was killed by gun violence in 2005, leaving behind two young sons with another on the way, Brenda tried to keep being that strong tower. She had grandsons to care for and people who needed her.
She didn’t understand then how trauma affects both mind and body. Grief took an immense toll, and her doctor told her she needed to stop everything. “As strong as I’ve always been,” she says, “I had to stop and embrace my brokenness so that I could finally start to heal.”
“As strong as I’ve always been, I had to stop and embrace my brokenness so that I could finally start to heal.”
Pastor Mitchell took her doctor’s advice and rested. At a grief group, she was asked to try a mindfulness retreat with other survivors of gun violence.
At the retreat, she discovered the “power of the pause” and how to be fully with herself and others in the present moment. She saw there were still pieces of herself left unattended, even in the midst of good healing work.
The compassion of mindfulness allowed her to make herself the priority in her healing process, to fully own all grief’s scattered pieces.
She committed herself to practice and leadership in mindfulness spaces, especially to help other survivors of trauma and violence.
Today, she incorporates mindfulness into all she does—as a leader, pastor, activist, and facilitator. “I realized how important this is to me, to work in communities of color and in the faith community,” she says. “Yes, you have God. Yes, you have therapy. But there still might be a need for deeper healing. We have to utilize all our resources, because trauma is real.” – SM
Center Love and Liberation
Shelly Harrell
Psychologist, Mindfulness Teacher, Founder of the Soulfulness Center
Motown was the soundtrack of Shelly Harrell’s childhood in the ’60s in Detroit. Earth, Wind & Fire’s That’s the Way of the World and Stevie Wonder’s Songs in the Key of Life played on repeat. “In those songs, compassion is so central, care for humanity is so central,” she says.
She credits music as her first ever mindfulness teacher, dance as her first form of meditation, “a place I could come home to.” When she was a teenager, her father passed away and “all I could think to do was dance,” she says. “I started to trust coming back to my body and coming into presence with my inner life.”
Today, Harrell’s personal and professional growth are guided in part by seeking wisdom about mental health and healing beyond Eurocentric frameworks. “Stillness and silence are beautiful, but those aren’t the only paths to mindful presence,” she says.
“Stillness and silence are beautiful, but those aren’t the only paths to mindful presence.”
In the early 2000s she recognized a gap between Black Americans and the mindfulness community, caused not only by mostly white representation in mindfulness spaces, but also by the undercurrent of detachment that lies beneath attempts to attain individual calm and happiness. “For collectivist, communal, interconnected-worldview cultures, a message of detachment just doesn’t call,” she says. So she founded The Soulfulness Center where the focus is “love and liberation…centering connection and reconnection to what has been lost, stolen, forgotten,” she says.
“Mindfulness is about return, return to breath, return to that anchor again and again.” Harrell often refers to an African proverb, associated with the West African Adinkra symbol called Sankofa, meaning “to return and get it.”
“There’s this temporal interconnectedness that we’re invited into with past, present, and future ancestors and living descendants, to connect with that continuity of where we come from, where we are, and where we’re going,” she says. “For me it’s this bigger worldview, the wisdom of a collective, that centers interconnectedness as an ethic. And when we start there, what does that mean for how we live?” – AWC
Meet It With Love
Caverly Morgan
Founder of Peace in Schools, Teacher, Author
Before Caverly Morgan found mindfulness, she had no idea that she had any negative self-talk at all. On her first retreat, she thought the people who were talking about this were a little loopy. “To me, it wasn’t negative self-talk. These were just facts about myself. So there was this voice that was always driving the car, and I didn’t even know it.”
Her mindfulness practice started as a way to learn how to be in a different kind of relationship to this voice.
Once we realize the presence of that Inner Critic, she says, we’re conditioned to make the logical leap that there’s something we have to fix. We have to overcome the voice, learn more practices, and build more skills so we can get better at being compassionate. Then our lives will feel happier and more complete.
When we approach compassion with that energy of self-improvement, though, we just turn it into something else that we can get good at or fail at. We stay stuck in the mental ruts of good enough/not good enough.
“When we approach compassion with that energy of self-improvement, we stay stuck in the mental ruts of good enough/not good enough.”
Morgan offers gentle guidance for how to rewire these mental patterns. When the Inner Critic shows up, we don’t have to defeat it. We can greet it and meet it with a practice that’s steeped in unconditional reassurance.
Unconditional reassurances aren’t just saying the opposite of the Inner Critic by offering false positivity. They’re anchored in the truth, regardless of what’s happening or how we feel about it. So when we’re struggling with a sense of failure, the practice isn’t to say, You’re amazing and super-successful! It’s Whether you succeed or you don’t, I love you no matter what.
Our mindfulness practice, then, isn’t a tool we wield to change what we don’t like about ourselves. Rather, it’s like a life preserver we hold onto when we’re flailing, until we feel safe enough to simply float again in the vast ocean of love. Our practice helps us return to presence, and the more we return to presence, the more we sense the reality that compassion is already in and around us—that compassion is actually a natural byproduct of who we authentically are. We don’t have to make more of it for ourselves or other people; we just need to sit still long enough to allow it to naturally emerge. – SM
Celebrate Who You Are
Sue Hutton
Social Worker, Mindfulness Teacher, Disability Rights Advocate
Sue Hutton has been working with neurodevelopmentally disabled adults, as well as their families and caregivers, since her 20s—and practicing mindfulness for even longer. These communities offer a beautiful place to practice, she says. “I love celebrating our differences and getting to know people’s individual ways of being and helping celebrate who they are.”
Compassion has always motivated her. As a child, her mother’s suicide attempts awakened her desire to help ease suffering. “My experiences of being an outsider or alienated rested within me and really strengthened my interest in validating other people and never wanting anyone to feel like an outsider.” At the Azrieli Adult Neurodevelopmental Centre in Toronto, Hutton works alongside paid autistic advisers to develop and adapt mindfulness curriculums for neurodivergent communities and caregivers.
Earlier in her career, Hutton specialized in providing disability rights education to disabled adults and their families. And because there is also neurodiversity in her own family, she says, “Weaving access to justice and accessibility rights into my mindfulness practice was a natural fit.”
“I love celebrating our differences and getting to know people’s individual ways of being and helping celebrate who they are.”
Although conversations around disability and neurodiversity have become more common, including in the mindfulness sphere, meaningful change lags behind. She says she often witnesses tokenistic actions that result in even more exclusion, instead of a genuine commitment to the work of inclusion and accessibility rights.
Alongside systemic change, Hutton also believes in the power of self-compassion. She notes that with standardized meditation instruction, it is assumed that we all experience the practice in more or less the same way, so self-compassion is particularly important for neurodivergent meditators.
“Every single person who sits down to meditate is doing so through the fabric of their wiring and their brain structure,” she says. “For me, it is so important to know that each person is going to have their very unique and individualized way of experiencing mindfulness, and to honor and accept that, hey, we all do this differently.” – AT
Find Your Strength
Melli O’Brien
Mindfulness Educator, Entrepreneur, Mental Health Coach
As a teenager, Melli O’Brien went to her public school library and pulled every book she could find on mental health and happiness.
At the time, her days were defined by deep depression and an eating disorder fueled by a belief that she wasn’t enough. Meanwhile, the Iraq war raged on and she struggled to make sense of world leaders taking actions that harmed so many. She saw only two paths ahead: One would lead to taking her own life and the other would mean trying to heal, build inner strength, and maybe be part of the change she wanted to see in the world.
“If I believed all those voices and if I didn’t transform them, I don’t think I would have been able to help so many people,” she says today. “That’s a really good reason to unlock your own gifts, so that you can share them with the world and do your own little thing, no matter what it is, to make other people’s lives a bit better too.”
Her study of happiness led to two lessons that changed her life: that inner strength is a skill you can build, and that mindfulness is one way to cultivate it.
“That’s a really good reason to unlock your own gifts, so that you can share them with the world.”
“Within a couple sessions of mindfulness training I had the experience of understanding I’m not my mind, I’m not my thoughts, I can get space… I got a taste of freedom,” she says. “I fell in love with the practice.”
O’Brien spent years nurturing her practice, which helped her heal and led her to become a mindfulness teacher. In 2015, she cofounded The Mindfulness Summit, which raised $500,000 for mental health charities around the world and led to her cofounding the popular app Mindfulness.com in 2020.
“The amount of adversity coming my way in one go really had me on my metaphorical knees,” she says. Around this time, the World Health Organization named a world mental health crisis, which she saw reflected not only in herself, but her clients.
“I had to get really still inside and really think about who I want to be now, how I want to serve now, how I want to live now,” she says. And the result was The Deep Resilience Method, and her forthcoming book by the same name.
“I think this book and this method are like a love letter to myself. It’s the answer to my own question of What do I need? And what I need is hopefully going to be what really serves other people when they want to show up in these crazy times we’re living in and be able to make positive change,” she says.
“One of the biggest obstacles that I’ve observed is people feeling like there’s no point, and it’s practices like recognizing your own strength that would help you get there.” – AWC
In 1998, S. Helen Ma traveled from Hong Kong to the US for mindfulness training with Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. She told him, “I know mindfulness helps, but I want to know how it helps.”
At that time, Ma had spent much of her career working in Hong Kong and Australia hospitals with people experiencing clinical depression. While she saw healing, she also saw relapse. Empathy and compassion fatigue threatened to take over—until a colleague introduced her to mindfulness.
“For psychology we would be very interested in people’s stories—what’s happened before now,” she says. But in mindfulness, “You don’t need to be concerned about the stories at all… Everything comes and everything goes. It’s so liberating.”
She learned she could say to herself, It’s just a thought that I’m not helping people, it’s just a thought that the suffering will go on forever. Instead, in this moment, what is happening?
“Everything comes and everything goes. It’s so liberating.”
Kabat-Zinn connected Ma with John Teasdale, a leading Oxford researcher, and together they conducted one of the first studies on mindfulness for clinical depression relapse. The study showed mindfulness is a viable intervention in clinical settings, revolutionizing the field.
Lately, though, she’s taken a step back from her career in researching and educating about mindfulness to be a full-time caregiver to her husband, who has dementia.
“I’m forever grateful for the practice,” she says. “There’s still attachment, there’s still aversion, there’s still joy, there’s still sorrow, and sometimes the narrative is so thick… But I can recognize, right now my heart is hurting. So can I allow my heart to open up, to fill with sorrow, to feel the grief? Let me see how long it will last and when it will fade.
“It’s very difficult now in this very fast-paced and electronic age, but if we can just allow for a moment of stillness and coming back to the body and sensing how the body is tensing up… There’s so much wisdom that starts with being mindful of the body,” she says. “It’s coming home, you know. If everyone in the world could come home, it would be a different world.” – AWC
Create New Paths
Nanea Reeves
Founder and CEO of TRIPP
Nanea Reeves learned to meditate, she says, before mindfulness “was even a thing.” Her mother struggled with mental illness and addiction, and 15-year-old Nanea (whose name is Hawaiian for peacefulness and serenity) found herself in hospital, experiencing a crisis. A hospital therapist taught her a breathing technique to connect to the present moment.
“I believe it was one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given,” she says. After her younger sister, Vicki, died from a drug overdose, Reeves deepened her commitment to helping others access the healing tools meditation can offer.
“It’s been a real practice for me to learn how to open up my heart more. And now, to be able to put it into work is an honor.”
A vision began to take shape while she was working in the video game industry. Today her award-winning company, TRIPP, offers virtual reality- and AI-powered guided meditations. “There are many paths up the mountain,” Reeves says. “If we can give people the experience of having present-moment awareness through this method, can it help them translate that into the physical world as well?”
The TRIPP app’s AI guide, Kōkua—a Hawaiian word for support and selfless giving—generates guided meditations tailored to a meditator’s mood, and adjusts with their feedback. While not meant to replace human support, Reeves describes it as “that compassionate voice that you can connect to at two in the morning.”
“As a kid who had to deal with a lot of violence in the home, I tended to really close off my heart, because it had been hurt so much,” she says. “It’s been a real practice for me to learn how to open up my heart more. And now, to be able to put it into work is an honor.” – AT
Hold It Lightly
Vidyamala Burch
Mindfulness Teacher, Writer, Founder of Breathworks
After 50 years of living with chronic pain and 40 years of meditation, Vidyamala Burch says, “I laugh much, much more than I used to.” She smiles. “I love telling people that because it’s so surprising.”
“I think one of the fruits of long-term practice is an ability to hold life lightly. Take it seriously, because it is a very serious business, but hold it lightly.”
Burch is the founder of Breathworks, a charity based in the UK that teaches people living with chronic pain, illness, and stress how to live a fuller life with the help of mindfulness. Her approach comes from her own lived experience of pain.
As a child, she lived an active, outdoorsy life in New Zealand and dreamed of becoming a wildlife officer. But that all changed when her spine was fractured, once at the age of 16 and again at 23.
“You can’t really be mindful without being loving, and can’t really be loving without being mindful.”
Lying alone in an intensive care unit after the second accident, faced with intolerable pain, she didn’t know how she would make it to morning. Then she realized that all she had to do was make it through one moment, then one more, and in this way she made it to dawn.
“As human beings, we’ve always got two options. One is to turn away from suffering, and the other is to acknowledge it and see if we can keep our hearts open,” she says. “I always say to people at Breathworks, ‘You’re heroes because you’re willing to look at your mind and you’re willing to be in your body.’”
At Breathworks, they teach people how to embody a middle way between denial and overwhelm, first with their own pain but also with global issues. “If we had billions of humans who were able to be with whatever’s happening with an open heart and not tipping into either denial or overwhelm, we might have a species that was quite well-equipped to deal with the challenges of our age.”
“Just keep practicing. This is what the world needs. This is what we need as individuals,” she says. “You can’t really be mindful without being loving, and can’t really be loving without being mindful.” – AWC
Shalini Bahl feels that trees were her first mindfulness teachers. Years ago, after getting divorced and then moving with her son from India to Amherst, Massachusetts—leaving behind family, friends, and culture—she would sit among the trees, “contemplating my life,” she says. “I’d have all these questions: Why me? What happened? Then I would get this sense or thought in my mind: Just breathe first, and you will get the answers.”
This reflective experience sparked her mindfulness journey, and she pursued training with luminaries including Jon Kabat-Zinn and Mirabai Bush. In her academic career, she began sharing the practice with her marketing students. Eventually she redirected her full-time work toward mindfulness, not only teaching, but offering organizational consulting as well as leading research on beneficial ways to be mindful in marketing and business. “What I’m really interested in is using these mindfulness skills for real-world change, to create a better world.”
If that sounds simple, it’s not. While serving as an Amherst town councilor, Bahl realized that the qualities she’d been honing in meditation—compassion, equanimity, curiosity—weren’t always translating to the way she was showing up. So she developed a framework for acting and living mindfully in everyday life, using eight habits rooted in foundational contemplative teachings.
“The important thing is that we keep our hearts open, and we continue to keep our eyes open and see each other along the way.”
This framework forms the basis of her book Return to Mindfulness, published in January 2024. Its reminders, she says, “allow us to take a breath, to step back: Am I acting from a place of reaction, default bias, unconscious bias? Or is it from a place of spaciousness, ease, and clarity?”
She’s also noticed how cultivating openness and clarity can lead us to deeper compassion. One day, she was talking with an unhoused man on the sidewalk, and a passerby gave the man a bag with two croissants. Immediately, he offered one to Bahl. This act of selfless generosity moved her deeply. “I had judged him as someone who was there on the street, who needs my help.” They became friends, enriching her understanding of shared humanity.
At the time, she set an intention: “For now, I’m going to show up for him and stay open. Don’t close my heart. And when I can do more, my heart and my eyes will be open to seeing that opportunity.” Later, when she was elected to town council, that intention gave her the courage to speak up in support of shelters for unhoused people and others who needed help.
“I think that’s part of living compassionately, when we don’t know what we can do right away,” she says. “But the important thing is that we keep our hearts open, and we continue to keep our eyes open and see each other along the way.” – AT
Tell a New Story
Yuria Celidwen
Scholar, Researcher, Teacher, Indigenous Nahua and Maya
When Yuria Celidwen talks about contemplative practice, she’s describing something much more expansive than solely what’s going on in the mind.
“From the Mesoamerican tradition specifically, but generally in many Indigenous practices, it’s also about the emotional state, the heart that is involved with the body that informs the mind processes that end up revealing…that animating principle of life.”
As a child, she already possessed this rich awareness of complexity. From her parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents, she says, “I learned a lot about how to really be with the landscape, be part of the landscape of a larger community.” Then, starting in elementary school, she faced racist discrimination. Inhabiting these conflicting worlds led her to the study of identity, consciousness, and cultural narratives.
Today, a growing range of Indigenous perspectives is found within contemplative studies; when Celidwen entered the field 15 or 20 years ago, there was no such representation. “I was the one to push for Indigenous wisdoms to be part of this field, and to also look at them as sophisticated systems of transforming our sense of identity and cultural identity, examining those identities, and then creating social and environmental transformation for well-being,” she says.
“How do we learn to listen to the world? To the whole living, beautiful mother planet that we inhabit?”
Mindfulness is often interpreted in the West as a set of tools to benefit primarily the individual self. In the Indigenous epistemologies that she researches and teaches about at the University of California, Berkeley, there’s a vision of “a responsible community, an ethical community,” where there is room for every being to be heard and valued as kin. “How do we learn to listen to the world? To the whole living, beautiful mother planet that we inhabit?” she asks.
These are glimpses into what Celidwen calls the Ethics of Belonging. It’s elucidated in her academic work, as well as explored in her new book, Flourishing Kin: Indigenous Wisdom for Collective Well-Being (published November 2024).
“We know that humans learn through stories,” she says. And old narratives that haven’t served us—“about uniqueness, personal achievement, material possessions, using nature as a resource”—can be composted, she says, “for the nourishment of a new story, but a new story that brings us together.
“To relate better, to listen better, to express better, to create better, to nourish our landscapes better—so we realize that yes, we are part of this system, and we can be part of the change.” – AT
Many have heard of trauma-sensitive therapies, including mindfulness—but the science and practical uses of these modalities are not always clear, especially to the people who need them the most.
In this Q&A with Mindful editor Amber Tucker, Rollo White talks about her own journey of adapting mindfulness practices to support people facing high stress and trauma, and why it’s key that you don’t try to fit yourself into a specific box, an idea of what mindfulness “should” be. Instead, you can tailor your practice to give you what you really need during intensely challenging moments.
Amber Tucker: First, can you tell us about your work through Mindful Junkie Outreach?
Gina Rollo White: Walking into any room today, pink mohawk-clad, and asking people to close their eyes and meditate can be a lot for participants to take in. Now imagine doing that 15 years ago—and not just any room, but walking into a police department, fire station, jail, or veterans’ retreat—still pink mohawk-clad—and asking people to close their eyes and meditate. Well—turns out it was completely dysregulating for everyone. But I kept trying anyway (even changing my hair color to see if that helped—it didn’t—ha).
After countless false starts, mishaps, mistakes, and a ton of funny stories, I refined my approach and founded the not-for-profit Mindful Junkie Outreach in 2015. The “Mindful” part is obvious. “Junkie” came from a friend who said, “You’re obsessed with mindfulness—you should be Mindful Junkie.” It fit, and I was sold.
Mindful Junkie Outreach provides specialized programs supporting first responders and veterans (à la therapeutic mindfulness) in managing the stress that comes with the job. At a high level, one of the goals of creating Mindful Junkie was to support the de-stigmatization of stress and trauma in the first responder and veteran communities. The idea was to offer culturally appropriate, relatable tools for managing reactions, noticing impulses, and working through emotions—both on the job and at home. I wanted to equip first responders, veterans, and clinicians with approachable mindfulness interventions to enhance safety, health, and emotional regulation for those who serve our communities.
AT: How did you become interested in teaching mindfulness to veterans and first responders?
GRW: As the daughter of two first responders, I had a deeply personal connection to this work. My first glimpse of the toll chronic stress takes came from watching how it showed up in my parents’ lives—professionally and at home. Behind closed doors, when we should have been winding down as a family, there was no downtime. My parents carried their vigilance from the job straight into our evenings. That early exposure to chaos gave me a unique perspective on the challenges faced by those who dedicate their lives to public service.
That early exposure to chaos gave me a unique perspective on the challenges faced by those who dedicate their lives to public service.
It was the quiet whimpers behind my mom’s closed door that first clued me into her suffering. It was my father’s uncontrollable outbursts—often violent—that gave me insight into what dysregulation and an inability to control emotions look like. And it was my eventual research on cumulative stress in first responders and veterans that highlighted a critical divide between stress and self-regulation for those working in high-stress environments.
We train our responders to run toward danger and solve problems. Here’s the divide, the missing link: We don’t train them to manage the effects of trauma. When I realized this gap existed, I started asking questions like: How can we address this in a trauma sensitive way? What would resonate with first responders? Does cultural competence play a role in adopting practices?
Years later, while pursuing my master’s degree in Mindfulness Studies at Lesley University, I explored the connections between trauma, the brain, and emotional regulation. That’s when I realized the incredible potential mindfulness could have on first responders who experience sleep deprivation, high exposure to violence, and frequent physical injuries, by actually mitigating stress and changing the brain. This realization sparked a passion to create something tailored specifically for first responders and veterans.
AT: Mindfulness is often seen as a one-size-fits-all practice. Why might first responders, veterans, and other highly stressed groups need a different approach in order to benefit?
GRW: Stress and trauma, unfortunately, are byproducts of these professions. Something that stood out early on in conducting the trainings was how differently people experience stress. This fascinated me. For example, one paramedic might see a barking dog as a chance to soothe it, while another sees it as a trigger—a sign to back off and avoid getting bitten. What stresses one person may not affect another. There’s no one-size-fits-all equation.
Over the last decade of working with first responders and veterans, I’ve witnessed this variance repeatedly. Everyone relates to chaos differently. I’ve provided support during critical incidents, in the quiet moments in between, and after the dust has settled. If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that there’s no universal reaction. If you asked for my biggest takeaway, I’d say this: Whether you’re a mindfulness educator, a clinician, a newbie to mindfulness, or a seasoned meditator, don’t try to be the expert—be curious. Asking thoughtful questions goes much further than simply thinking or saying, “Just breathe.”
Don’t try to be the expert—be curious. Asking thoughtful questions goes much further than simply thinking or saying, “Just breathe.”
In fact, focusing on the breath isn’t always helpful. It can even be unsettling or triggering in some situations, which is why it’s so important to adapt mindfulness practices to each audience. For those in law enforcement, deep breaths can be difficult while wearing a bulletproof vest, so I offer Square Breathing as another option, which focuses on a more shallow, balanced breath. Many veterans and people working in Corrections prefer to keep their eyes open during meditation, since closing them can feel unsafe, given their training to stay vigilant.
Mindfulness interventions work best when tailored to the individual. What helps a firefighter might not resonate with a police officer. What works for a veteran may not work for a paramedic. There is no one way to be mindful.
The curriculum, Tactical Brain Training® (TBT) was developed with this in mind. TBT combines mindfulness interventions with self-assessments to create personalized approaches based on each person’s unique needs and experiences. Whether someone is dealing with sleep issues, anxiety, or trying to switch off after a tough shift, the TBT approach teaches them to identify what’s happening and introduces mindfulness interventions that work for them personally. The goal isn’t to change someone or force them into some perfect “mindful” box. It’s about offering practical tools to support their individual path—both on and off the job.
AT: People may read that and think, ‘Oh, I’m not a first responder or a police officer, so that doesn’t apply to me.’ How would you explain this idea for other people who may still be navigating high stress or trauma in their life?
GRW: I get this question a lot. Stress (and unfortunately trauma as well) is real for a ton of people, regardless of their profession—or even their age. My daughter came home from school one day and told me she was really stressed about an art assignment. My initial thought was, Just paint the darn picture and be done with it. How could this possibly be stressful? It’s just paint on paper. But then she explained that the assignment felt vague and ambiguous, and she’d much rather do math than art. “In math, there’s a right answer and a wrong answer—no gray areas,” she said.
As we talked, I started thinking back to my own high school experience with math. (Side note— just the memory of doing a math assignment got me worked up and stressed, even though I wasn’t actually doing any math in that moment. Food for thought: Just thinking about something can cause a stress response, even without the actual stimulus.) That’s when I had an epiphany related to trauma and mindfulness. I was contemplating the idea that two people can share the same experience but feel completely different about it. Art stressed her out; math stressed me out. Same situation, different reactions. (And for the record, I wasn’t even good at art!)
This reminded me how personal our emotional responses to experiences are. What stresses me out might not stress you out—and vice versa. If stress is personal (and here’s the big “aha” moment), then it makes sense that the strategies to regulate stress would also need to be personal. This reinforced my research that different populations and individuals require their own unique approaches.
When adapting mindfulness interventions for someone who has experienced trauma or lives in a constant state of stress, it’s critical to make the point of personalization blatantly clear during a training. There is no “right” or “wrong” response—it’s personal. Framing it this way helps people open up to experimenting with different approaches and figuring out what resonates with them. This often sparks conversations like this:
“Sure, maybe focused breathing makes you feel claustrophobic. That’s okay! It’s not a problem at all. Now that you’ve identified that, you can pivot to something else, like a listening intervention. It’s all about options. Closing your eyes feels uncomfortable? No problem—keep them open. A body scan leaves you feeling agitated? That’s fine too. Acknowledge the discomfort, congratulate yourself for noticing it, and then try something else. Or simply sit with the discomfort and observe it, give it a name. By doing so, you start building a connection between your mind and body. You’re training your brain to notice discomfort, tolerate it, and recognize that you have tools to help neutralize your nervous system.”
If stress is personal (and here’s the big “aha” moment), then it makes sense that the strategies to regulate stress would also need to be personal.
Phew—that was long-winded, but you get the point. The bottom line is this: We need to demystify the idea that there’s only one way to practice mindfulness. Instead, we should offer options—lots and lots of options.
AT: Speaking of options, let’s talk more about Tactical Brain Training. What shaped your process of developing this program?
GRW: Traditional mindfulness approaches often don’t resonate with these populations, so I designed TBT to talk-the-talk and walk-the-walk. It’s about delivering practical, no-nonsense tools that can be applied in high-stress situations, whether on the job or at home. My goal has always been to equip individuals with strategies to manage stress, process trauma, and maintain emotional well-being. Teaching people to train their brains as tactically as they train their bodies makes the stress and trauma associated with these professions a bit more manageable. This helps keep individuals safer, healthier, and more emotionally regulated—both at work and at home.
My journey—from my personal experiences with my parents to academic research, to countless false starts—shaped my approach to mindfulness training for veterans and first responders. And honestly? What I do never really feels like a job (except the marketing part—ugh, that definitely feels like work). It’s a passion that runs deep in my bones: supporting those who put their lives on the line for our communities every day.
To be clear, I didn’t invent anything new here. These mindfulness interventions have existed for centuries and have been refined over time with modern science. All I did was adapt these proven approaches into a system that resonated with me. When I developed the TBT curriculum and wrote Tactical Brain Training, it naturally reflected my upbringing: physical, crass, and a little rambunctious. I wasn’t naturally mindful, nor was it part of our family’s world—far from it. But through years of practice, I trained my brain to be tactically mindful. My approach is grounded in what works for me: physical, straightforward, and unapologetically off-color.
If it worked for someone like me, I crossed my fingers it could work for others who might be skeptical about traditional mindfulness practices. When you go through the Tactical Brain Training program or read the book, you’re getting mindfulness stripped down to its practical core. It’s mindfulness for people who never thought they’d be into mindfulness. I don’t relate to “Take a nice, long, soothing breath.” But I do relate to “Just f’ing breathe.”
So now, if you see my hashtag #JFB, you’ll know exactly what it stands for: Just F’ing Breathe.
AT: What is the most surprising or little-known fact you have learned about trauma and mindful trauma recovery that you want to share with the world?
GRW: I had been training first responders for about three years when I started noticing patterns—connections between certain mindfulness interventions and specific populations. I typically bring chimes to my trainings (well, when I remember them—ha). I use them when introducing and practicing Listening Interventions.
One day, while monitoring the room, after I rang the chimes, by the third chime I noticed that the percentage of those agitated seemed higher than an average class. I became curious about how the sound of chimes affects first responders, so I began paying closer attention to see if certain groups reacted differently. (All of this is anecdotal, not peer-reviewed—but hey, if anyone wants to study it, give me a call!)
It’s crucial to overtly tell people that it’s normal to feel triggered, stressed, or anxious. Experiencing these emotions doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means you’re human.
What I observed was that individuals in Fire Services tended to show more agitation when I rang chimes (not sounds in general, just chimes and singing bowls) compared to other first responders. One day, mid-training, I stopped ringing the chimes, asked everyone to open their eyes, and blurted out, “What the f@#k—why is everyone so agitated when I ring these?” They all looked at me like I was clueless.
“Duh,” one of them said, “when the bell goes off in the fire station, it means there’s an emergency. Get your gear on and get out the door as fast as you can!” They explained that the number of bells indicates the scale of the emergency. So, essentially, the sound of chimes had become associated with urgency, emergencies, and often impending chaos or gore. In other words, NOT very calming—and definitely not an anchor for balancing the nervous system.
That was surprising, but here’s what really blew my mind: Name it to tame it actually works. I found that if I say upfront, “This sound might be agitating for some of you,” and explain why, it not only normalizes the experience but also reduces the overall agitation in the room.
The reality is that triggers are everywhere. The street corner where CPR was performed last month. A house that looks like one that burned down last week. The backfire of a car that sounds like a gunshot. A smell that brings back memories of a murder scene. The list is endless. But simply identifying a trigger—even if it’s just saying to yourself, “This is a trigger”—can make a significant difference in becoming dysregulated.
One of the most surprising and transformative facts I’ve learned about trauma and mindful trauma recovery is this: It’s crucial to overtly tell people that it’s normal to feel triggered, stressed, or anxious. Experiencing these emotions doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means you’re human. Once this is acknowledged and normalized, it opens the door to creating a plan to manage these feelings. It’s not necessarily about “recovering” in the traditional sense; it’s about learning to be with discomfort and finding a way through it. Simply acknowledging what’s happening in the moment—whether it’s trauma, irritation, or stress—can create a powerful mind-body connection that helps balance the nervous system. True progress involves recognizing what you’re experiencing, normalizing it without judgment, and then pivoting to a strategy that feels personal and effective for you. This approach shifts the narrative from feeling overwhelmed to feeling empowered, offering a way to navigate stress and trauma with intention and resilience.
Exercise feels monotonous and boring, and it’s the last thing I want to do with my free time.
Sound familiar? Believe us, you’re not alone if you feel this way. It’s hard to drum up motivation when you think something is boring. Nobody wants to spend their free time doing monotonous and tedious tasks! So, how can we make movement less tedious and more enjoyable—something you look forward to?
Savoring is a psychological tool that can help with changing our perspective. Let’s unpack this to transform “Exercise is boring” into “I’m motivated to do this!”
How to Make Exercise Enjoyable
Exercise can often feel more like a “should” than a want. You know it’s good for you in the long term, but you don’t want to invest the time right now. Temptation bundling is pairing something that has delayed rewards (exercise, in this case) with something that is pleasurable in the short term. In a large research study with over 6,000 participants, when subjects were told to pair their session with a pleasurable audiobook they only listened to when they exercised, it boosted their likelihood of doing a weekly workout by 10–14%. Why? When you temptation bundle exercise, it’s instantly less boring and more gratifying.
Being with friends can turn into a pickleball meetup. Your love for coffee can turn into a walk to the local café to grab a cup. Stretching your hips or being active in the garden can pair nicely with listening to your favorite podcast. To shift your perspective on exercise monotony, think about the type of exercise you’re trying to motivate yourself to do, then come up with some fun, enjoyable activities you can do or environments you can create at the same time. You can try some of these ideas:
Take a walk at the farmers’ market.
Call your sister while walking.
Watch your favorite show at the gym (and only at the gym!).
Wear your most comfy exercise clothes while you move.
Bike along the prettiest streets.
Book a class with your favorite instructor.
I (Diana) temptation bundle by stretching while watching our favorite family show, The Amazing Race. Teams are racing around the world, and I send my foot around in circles, or take a figure four stretch to work on my hips, or practice doing headstands with my kids. My body thanks me for it, and it feels better to move while watching people sprint to the finish line.
With temptation bundling, it’s pretty simple: to make your movement less monotonous, pair it with something else you love.
I (Katy) love rocking out to music, but between work and family time, I struggle to find time to blast what I want to hear. So for me, heading out for a walk is just as much about a chance to listen to music uninterrupted as it is the exercise of taking a walk. Looking forward to picking out my own music is often what motivates me at the end of the day.
With temptation bundling, it’s pretty simple: to make your movement less monotonous, pair it with something else you love. And be present while you do it (don’t worry, we’re about to teach you how!).
How to Savor Exercise
You can make movement less boring by bringing awareness to the full experience of moving your body…and savoring it. Savoring is the act of intentionally paying attention to, appreciating, and enhancing the positive aspects of an experience. When you savor your experience, it increases your positive emotions, helps with stress reduction, and can turn even the most mundane experiences into pleasurable ones.
The key here is to be fully present with pleasurable aspects of what you are doing—flexibly shining your attention spotlight on the good stuff. This doesn’t mean ignoring discomfort; it’s more about attentional shift—which involves perspective-taking and being present. You get to choose where you place your attention.
Try this right now:
Let your chin drop toward your chest, then gently bring your right ear toward your right shoulder, then slowly take your left ear to your left shoulder.
Notice: Where is the movement restricted? Where is it easy?
Linger on the spots that could use a little extra love. Breathe into and around the areas that are tight and relax your shoulders. Close your eyes and luxuriate in the chance to rest your mind as you roll.
Have gratitude for this moment to be with your body. Even the most monotonous things can become interesting when you are present for them and savor them.
There are five ways to savor an experience, according to Erika Miyakawa, a Japanese psychologist who researches savoring: thanksgiving, basking, marveling, luxuriating, and knowing. They all involve being fully present with your experience. Let’s explore how you can apply each of these to your movement or exercise.
5 Ways to Savor
Pick a physical activity that you usually find tedious or repetitive (for me, Diana, this is walking in circles around the airport while waiting to board, or waiting during my son’s baseball practice while he’s doing drills). Now try to apply each of these types of savoring to it. Notice how it changes your experience.
Thanksgiving: Appreciate the opportunity to move your body. Feel gratitude for this chance to move. Appreciate the place, people, and activities you get to engage with by moving your body.
Basking: Take in feelings of pride at growing stronger in your body with movement. Feel the accomplishment of living out your values, finishing a challenging workout, or meeting movement goals.
Marveling: Let yourself feel awe through movement. Be amazed by the beauty of nature, surprising sights, and the capabilities of your human body.
Luxuriating: Enjoy the physical and sensory pleasures of movement. Enjoy the good feeling of stretching your muscles, the release of tension and stress, the flow of your body, or the creativity of movement.
Knowing: Savor the wisdom that comes through moving your body—the knowledge you gain from interacting with new places, fresh faces, experiences, and challenges, or the knowledge gained by learning about yourself and your capacities.
The next time you find exercise a drag, dear reader, try this savoring skill and focus your attention on the positive aspects of movement. The most important factor is being fully present—shifting your attention to here and now, and the good that can come with moving your body.
Rethinking Movement: Make It Playful
Exercise often has to be slotted into our free time, where it’s competing with all the other things we enjoy doing. For many, exercise can feel like a chore: boring! Counting reps or laps, monitoring intensity, and paying attention to other metrics is the opposite of play, and when it comes to motivating ourselves to pick movement, we might need to boost the fun factor.
Think about the physical activities you loved as a kid, back before you thought about them being good for you and instead just thought they were fun.
Any movement can become playful—play has more to do with your attitude than the specific activity—and playful activities can be easier to stick to. Sports and physical games, like pickleball and Kubb (a backyard throwing game) count, but it’s also playful to get a weighted hoop going around your midsection for fifteen minutes while you’re standing in the living room. Reroute your daily walk past a playground, where you can go across the monkey bars, ride the slide, and hop on the swings to challenge your vestibular/balance system. Put on your favorite dance music and boogie. I (Diana) keep a big open space in our living room solely for the purpose of fun movement. Over the years we’ve played balloon volleyball and Twister, and made forts together there. Open spaces are great invitations for the whole family to move.
Think about the physical activities you loved as a kid, back before you thought about them being good for you and instead just thought they were fun. For me (Katy), some playful activities were “being a mermaid” in the pool for hours, riding bikes with my sister around our neighborhood until dark, and hitting tennis balls against the side of the house by myself. When you’re looking to add movement, there’s no need to pick from a list of activities you find boring. Find exercise that closely resembles your “play” list so it’s easier to choose.
The first time Adele Routliff tried communicating with her Deaf mother in public using sign language, her mother, she says, “put her hands on mine and placed [them] back in my lap. In other words, no, we don’t sign in public.” Her mother had grown up in a residential school for the Deaf where sign language was forbidden—enforced by physical punishment—and had internalized the idea that signing was only safe in private settings. Adele didn’t understand her mother’s resistance and so continued signing, even as her mother’s eyes grew wide with fear. “I didn’t understand it then,” she says. “But I know now it was shame.”
Now a certified American Sign Language-English interpreter, Adele actively works to raise awareness of deafness by bridging the communication gap and highlighting the importance of mental health in Deaf communities. Her lived experiences have motivated her in becoming a trained mental health interpreter, in providing mental health interpreting workshops for those looking to develop their skills, and in designing and implementing a curriculum for training new interpreters through Canadian Hearing Services.
Historically, Deaf mental health has been overlooked, and it received minimal attention until the past decade. Dr. Cathy Chovaz—director of the Centre for Deaf Education and Accessibility Forum (CDEAF) and an associate professor of psychology at King’s University College (Western University)—provides mental health care to Deaf individuals. She has led research that suggests that Deaf people face heightened risks of depression and anxiety, compounded by significant barriers and poorer outcomes within the justice system, mainstream education, and healthcare settings. Dr. Chovaz’ research shows that many healthcare professionals aren’t trained to recognize mental health conditions in Deaf patients. As a result, Deaf individuals are often misdiagnosed or go undiagnosed, even though they face unique challenges that put them at higher risk, such as limited early access to sign language, communication barriers within their families, neurological conditions linked to certain causes of deafness, and experiences of trauma or abuse.
The Challenges of Mental-Health Interpreting
Considering the challenges faced by Deaf individuals, it’s not surprising that sign language interpreters working in medical and mental health settings also face heightened risks.
Sign language interpreting requires the interpreter to use their face and their body to communicate, both with the Deaf person and to the hearing person, an experience that can be emotionally and physically taxing. Sign language interpreters also have to remember that their job is to relay every word exactly as it’s signed—no matter how uncomfortable it makes them. One mental health interpreter, who wishes to remain anonymous—we’ll call her Jane—shared how challenging this can be: “There have been times I felt like I needed to wash my mouth out with soap,” referring to the language she had to interpret. “You almost want to say, ‘It’s not me, it’s them.’”
You walk into the most intimate moments in people’s lives as an interpreter. I’ve been at births, I’ve been at deaths, I’ve been at funerals. I’ve been there when families have blown up.
Jane explained that while interpreters are trained to remain impartial, it’s hard not to have a natural human reaction to some of the distressing things they hear in medical and mental health settings. “You’re told you’re just there to convey the language—to maintain professionalism, set boundaries, and be mindful of how you come across,” she said. This is especially crucial in high-stress or emotionally charged situations, which interpreters often find themselves navigating. As Adele said, “You walk into the most intimate moments in people’s lives as an interpreter. I’ve been at births, I’ve been at deaths, I’ve been at funerals. I’ve been there when families have blown up.”
The Health Risks of Helping People Be Heard
Medical interpreters who work with hearing people play a critical role in helping patients with limited English access and navigate the healthcare system, but the job can bring with it significant emotional strain. They often find themselves in high-stress situations: delivering difficult news, bridging cultural gaps, and facilitating conversations between doctors, patients, and families. Research shows that interpreters, especially those working with cancer patients and children, experience high levels of stress and struggle to manage their own mental health while supporting others.
Research shows that interpreters, especially those working with cancer patients and children, experience high levels of stress and struggle to manage their own mental health while supporting others.
And this emotional burden isn’t unique to spoken language interpreters—it also extends to sign language interpreters, who face their own distinct challenges in medical settings. Although research findings are mixed, recent studies indicate that regular exposure to emotionally charged or traumatic content significantly increases sign language interpreters’ vulnerability to vicarious trauma and secondary traumatic stress, with poor mental health outcomes reported in as many as 83% of interpreters. Jane shared with me a particularly stressful assignment: “I recognized I was no longer able to manage my emotions and it was affecting my ability to interpret in a neutral manner. So I had to take a step back.”
Mindful Skills May Help Sign Language Interpreters
Those working in emotionally charged settings, particularly medical and mental health contexts, could benefit from preventive measures. One promising approach is the use of mindfulness practices. While it is an understudied area, some research suggests that mindfulness can help interpreters manage work-related stress. A recent study adapted Mindful Practice® in Medicine (MPIM)—an evidence-based mindfulness program created by two physicians to improve coping skills and combat burnout—for medical interpreters.
The findings showed that the program effectively reduced distress in both spoken and sign language medical interpreters. The study also found that most participants valued the opportunity to share their stressors in an open and understanding environment with fellow medical interpreters. This sense of community not only helped them become more empathetic listeners but also provided a supportive space to debrief and develop mindful strategies for managing the challenges of their work.
Incorporating mindfulness-based practices into interpreter training programs and providing ongoing professional development can help interpreters better handle emotionally charged situations, enhance self-awareness and emotional regulation, build resilience to burnout, and, like Jane, recognize when an assignment exceeds their capacity. Jane, though not formally trained in mindfulness practices, shared that using mindfulness has helped her. Even something as simple as parking her car further away from her workplace, requiring a longer walk, was helpful to her in processing her day. Similarly, Adele has gained the ability to check in with herself and know what her limits are. While both have been lucky enough to find mindfulness in their own lives, the industry could benefit from offering interpreters formal mindfulness training, which could significantly reduce the stress of challenging interpretation work.
These guided meditations can help us ease stress, get rest, and stay present when current events feel like too much to bear.
When the world feels unpredictable and out of our control, our natural response can be to try to shut it out. For example, it’s not uncommon to hear caring, thoughtful people admit that they no longer read or watch the news. It’s just too overwhelming, too dark, and they need to protect their mental health in order to be able to show up for day-to-day life with their families, their friends, and at work. That’s valid. No one can withstand a constant barrage of bad news. It’s essential to take breaks when you need them and to make sure that your life has pockets of joy, calm, and ease.
At the same time, tuning out completely isn’t the only answer. Practicing mindfulness and meditation can be a helpful framework to explore and work with our thoughts and emotions when hard things are happening to us and around us. It can also offer opportunities for deep rest and relaxation that give us the bandwidth to stay engaged. As mindfulness teacher Georgina Miranda says, just because there’s chaos around us doesn’t mean that there must be chaos within us. From a place of calm and groundedness, we’re better prepared to meet whatever comes next.
Here are 10 guided meditations from some of today’s leading mindfulness teachers to support you when current events feel like too much to bear.
While these meditations are divided into steps to offer a pathway, your path may look different and that’s OK. Take what you need when you need it.
Instead of judging yourself for what you want or what you’re feeling, explore these writing prompts to help you turn toward your experience with greater understanding and self-compassion.
Encountering the people, places, and things that activate us out in the real world can feel like too much all at once. For example, when our nervous system rehashes an old pattern of feeling unsettled or unsafe, because that’s how we felt the last time X happened, it’s difficult to take a step back from that and stay present right now. That’s one reason journaling is such a powerful tool. A mindful journaling practice provides a quiet space for us to intentionally explore what is arising, how it’s rooted in our survival strategies, and what we can give ourselves instead to meet our needs in a wise and loving way.
Journaling Prompts: Let Go of Your Limiting Habits
In your journal, with gentleness and over time, explore these writing prompts:
Where in your life does “power over” versus “power with” manifest? What is the cost?
What survival strategies were you indoctrinated into within your family of origin?
What survival strategies can you name that operate on the level of the collective? Examples of places to look: “We must win at all costs.” “We should follow the rules and play the game.” “They need to be kept in their place lest we lose ours.” “Don’t acknowledge what’s really going on, just maintain the status quo.”
What else can you name?
How do you intersect with these strategies? How do they live within you?
What might invite a direct experience of belonging for any collective you identify with? How might you bring this to form? How might it get expressed personally and/or collectively?
Take your time with these prompts. These questions may take weeks, months, years to truly unpack. Share your observations with a friend or with a trusted group, if you would like to.
Caverly Morgan explains how we can use the practice of inquiry to loosen our grip on “us versus them” thinking and shift into a deeper perspective on our shared being. Read More
Caverly Morgan felt a call to reconcile the wisdom that arose from her mindfulness practice with the systems of oppression at work in our world. In this conversation with Mindful contributing editor Stephanie Domet, she explores that reconciliation and shares what she’s learned about our inherent freedom. Read More
Technology is disruptive and distracting, yet it also has many useful roles in our life.
Instead of feeling guilty or ashamed for relying on technology, accept tech and learn to use it well.
Technology isn’t separate from human nature—it is part of our nature.
Clarifying why you want a healthier relationship with tech can help you shift your habits.
When I first started meditating, I was banging my head against the wall, trying to silence my mind. I was so harsh with myself because I was desperate. I was numb and lost, and I thought that if only I could stop thinking, everything would be bliss. So I gritted my teeth and tried to force my mind to shut up.
My practice opened up when I gave up on trying so hard to clear my mind. I learned to embrace thoughts as a natural and expected part of the human experience, because they are. Sometimes challenging, sometimes useful, sometimes silly—I accept my thoughts. I let them come and go as if they were clouds passing in the sky. Turns out the idea that thinking is a problem was just another passing thought.
Many of us get caught in a similar pattern with our tech. In the modern world, trying to completely stop using technology feels a lot like trying to stop thinking. Some inspirational quote from a yoga teacher on social media tells you to “clear your mind,” and not only is that impossible, but it also generates a ton of unnecessary guilt and shame. When more thoughts inevitably come, you beat yourself up for failing. You start to think you’re broken.
There are technologies out there that respect your attention, and even some that restore it, but they are certainly not the norm. We’re mostly swimming in a cornucopia of mindless, triggering tech that narrows our awareness and erodes our patience.
The more tech disrupts our lives, the more we blame it for everything. We get desperate for freedom and try to disconnect. But tech is so integrated into modern life that it’s not long before we need to reconnect. The pendulum swings back and forth as we spiral into shame and self-judgment for being so attached to the very devices we depend on.
Mindfulness is a way out, and acceptance is the first step.
A Middle Way with Tech
Blaming technology for all our problems is the same mistake we make when we try to force ourselves to stop thinking. In the same way meditators learn to befriend their thoughts, we can work gently and gradually toward finding a middle way with technology. It won’t necessarily be easy, but awareness is mysterious, powerful, and always present. Tap into it directly and you just might be able to conquer a few tugs from devious little apps that are trying to manipulate you. If that feels impossible, you may need formal meditation to train up in meta-awareness. If even that feels impossible, it might be time to set boundaries or delete a few apps.
Certainly, corporations need to design more ethically, scientists need to continue researching the impact on mental health and well-being, and lawmakers need to consider if regulation can help. But in the meantime, you are not powerless. Right here, right now, you can stand up for your right to point your mind in whichever direction you damn well please. Pessimists who claim we are all victims of forces larger than ourselves love to convince everyone they’re realists, but this is a battle being waged in the mundane moments of everyday life. You have choice. Even if you don’t have the power to influence your family, community, organization, or lawmakers, you don’t have to give up on your own mind.
Whether you choose to put the devices away today, or whether you choose to spend the whole day in front of a screen, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. A little bit of guilt can help you stick to your intentions, but if you’re constantly feeling bad about yourself, there are better ways. It’s easy to drown in guilt when you wake up from a digital trance and realize you’ve spent the whole day online. It’s just as easy to feel guilty for disconnecting, missing messages, or falling behind on social media and news.
Blaming technology for all our problems is the same mistake we make when we try to force ourselves to stop thinking.
Is there ever a moment to just . . . not feel guilty? Even when glued to a screen, you are worthy just as you are. No shame necessary. No need to beat up on yourself. Accept the part of you that loves tech and the part that wants to lock it away. While you’re at it, accept your loved ones, even when they ignore you for their screens. No need to harshly punish your kids, or shame other people just for living a modern life. Accept people both younger and older, even if their relationship with tech looks alien to you.
From this foundation of acceptance, pay close attention to how tech shapes you. Forgive yourself when it captures you, because it most definitely will. See clearly how it happened, and you can get better at seamlessly moving between offline and online worlds without getting stuck. It is possible to live a mindful digital life.
You don’t have to retreat to the mountains or switch to a dumbphone to find balance. By all means, take an offline day when you need it. Or head off to a retreat center. Hell, go to India and find yourself. I certainly got a lot out of retreating over the years. Time apart from your everyday routine can help you break compulsive habits and find new perspectives. But don’t let the benefits of a temporary digital detox distract you from learning how to use tech well in everyday life.
What We Forget About Nature
When we get overwhelmed, we often say we want to “get out in nature” or go on a “nature walk,” but we are just as natural as the birds and the trees. So is the fly buzzing around your garbage can and the mold growing on old fruit. Nature is not somewhere out there. It’s everywhere. So where exactly are we trying to go?
When we get overwhelmed, we often say we want to “get out in nature” or go on a “nature walk,” but we are just as natural as the birds and the trees. So is the fly buzzing around your garbage can and the mold growing on old fruit. Nature is not somewhere out there. It’s everywhere. So where exactly are we trying to go?
We think of our modern lives as artificial, but is that really true? For the past two years, in the spring, a robin has built a nest on top of the light fixture beside my front door. Every time we step out of our home, she squawks to protect her hatchlings. My little boy and I love keeping tabs on Mrs. Robinson.
Inside the house holding up that nest, my family and I cook in a sophisticated kitchen and fiddle with temperature controls. We watch TV, use social media, play video games, and work on laptops. It all feels very different from a nest, but the way we source materials from our natural environment to build these modern lives is not so different from a bird gathering sticks, though certainly on a different scale.
We think of our modern lives as artificial, but is that really true?
It can be useful to reframe our technological wonders as natural. We imagine our civilization as somehow removed from the wild world. We love to think we’re special, but you probably accept that you are a part of nature. So why wouldn’t your nest be natural too, just like Mrs. Robinson’s?
If this feels off, you might be idealizing Mother Nature. Remember, she can be just as destructive as she can be harmonious. There is infinite wonder in the ocean, trees, and skies, but there are also viral infections, natural disasters, and predators killing their prey. When I describe our tech as natural, I’m certainly not saying it’s all good.
These days, we yell at our kids to put away their phones while lost in our own. We glance to check a text and end up scrolling for hours. We go down rabbit holes on social until we feel inadequate. We skim polarizing headlines until it feels like the world is on fire. We compulsively reply to work emails on our day off.
Some days we feel more used than user.
But tech is also beautiful, wonderful, and awe-inspiring. It connects us in ways previously thought impossible. It can bring us so much joy. It can help us be productive and organized. We can express ourselves like never before. I use it to stay in touch and collaborate with people across the planet. I use it to listen to and make music. And yes, I even use it to meditate.
Tech as Human Nature
You might love smartphones and the social internet. If that’s you, it can be hard to admit to the problems without getting defensive. Or you might be someone who hates the way your devices interfere with every moment. You might feel like they’re running your life—or worse, ruining your life. You might even notice how they’re causing harm to people you care about. If you’re the type who wants to escape and live on a mountain somewhere, it can be hard to admit how amazing technology can be.
Accepting tech as part of who we are means acknowledging that it’s not some foreign, alien invader. It’s neither good nor evil. It’s us. Even the AIs that seem more independent than ever before depend on the text and images we feed them. They don’t exist without us. The internet is a powerful extension of our minds. It amplifies our flaws as much as our strengths. To have a better relationship with technology, we need a better relationship with ourselves.
Accepting tech as part of who we are means acknowledging that it’s not some foreign, alien invader. It’s neither good nor evil. It’s us.
This is where the issue becomes spiritual.
Tech isn’t just nature, it’s human nature. And these days, it’s getting exhausting. With our minds constantly plugged in to amplifiers, it’s never been more important to find balance. Our tech mirrors our own values back at us in a distorted way, often causing the opposite effect of what we intend. It isolates us as much as it connects us. It numbs us as much as it inspires us. It bores us as much as it entertains us.
Sometimes we just want to run away from all the emails, feeds, and desperate pleas to like and subscribe. We want to escape the news. And social media. And online shopping and porn and video games and those group chats where everyone keeps misunderstanding each other. When we say we want to “get out in nature,” what we really mean is that we want to get away from human nature. We want to escape who we are.
Understandable. Our brains are plugged in to a billion other brains, each having tens of thousands of thoughts per day. Many organize to profit from all this, designing greedy, distracting, stressful apps—weapons of mass distraction. On the other hand, many also work to make the hive mind useful, fun, and powerful. Unfortunately, both sides produce a ton of unintended consequences.
You Always Have a Choice
Experts are studying technology’s effects on our mind, trying to regulate its use and establish standards for designing ethical, humane tech. Where does that leave the rest of us? What if you’re not a decision-maker? What if you don’t have any influence on science, government, media, or tech? Do you just have to sit and wait, hoping they figure it out? Of course not.
Our job is to become aware of how tech affects us and those we care about. We can choose to be better users of technology in everyday life. We can become more discerning about the tech we pay attention to, setting boundaries around apps that exploit us, but also unapologetically delighting in the experiences that bring us joy, improve our lives, and transform us for the better.
It feels like a big job, especially when compulsive screen time can feel completely out of our control. Tech companies can be manipulative. Unethical decision-makers need to face consequences. Still, there’s no need to give up and wait for someone to save you. With tech constantly demanding our attention and overwhelming us, your well-being is becoming more and more dependent on the quality of your relationship with it. If mindfulness has taught me anything, it’s that you always have a choice in how you relate to whatever you experience.
A Practice for Tuning In to the Joy of Tech
When you’ve got a moment to explore, try fully enjoying a technology that makes you happy. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the idea of what you should and shouldn’t be doing. This little practice is an antidote to that. Let yourself enjoy something!
Choose a technology that brings you joy. It can be hard to stay present with something that changes a lot, so ideally, choose something with a slower pace. For example, if you love stand-up comedy, find a video of a longer performance instead of a bunch of short clips.
Put away all your distractions. Set up your experience by queuing up the tech and putting away anything that might distract you. So if you’re watching a TV show, put your phone and tablet away, and maybe even ask anyone you live with for some privacy.
Enjoy the experience fully. If you want, you can start with a few deep breaths, maybe even with your eyes closed. When you’re ready, start interacting with the tech and see if you can stay present with how it makes you feel. It helps to take it slow. For example, if you’re playing a video game, take your time and notice any feelings, thoughts, or impulses that might arise as you play.
Let go of shame, guilt, and doubt. If any thoughts or feelings come up about how you might be wasting your time, how weird this practice feels, or even your ability to stay aware, let that come and go. No need to resist it, but don’t dive into it either. Stay with your moment-to-moment experience of the technology.
Let positive emotions flow. If any positive thoughts or feelings come up, pay close attention to them and let them flower. So for example, if you’re listening to a podcast and someone says something funny, see if you can fully enjoy that without reservation.
Stop when you’re ready, but no sooner. Some experiences have a natural end, like a TV show. Others you might need to find your own end for, such as browsing a social media feed. In any case, avoid ending the practice at the first moment of resistance. See if you can give it time to run its course. Ride a few ups and downs. When you’re done, turn off your tech and take a moment to breathe, reflect, or meditate before moving on.
In this guided practice, Georgina Miranda invites you to pause, reflect, and reconnect with your inner strength.
This article is independently researched and written by the Mindful editors. However, we may earn revenue or commission if you purchase via links included.
In a world that constantly pulls us in different directions—from productivity and external validation to endless distractions—coming home to ourselves is one of the most powerful things we can do. True resilience isn’t about pushing through; it’s about creating an inner refuge, a place of strength and safety that stays steady no matter what’s happening around us.
That’s what we’re exploring in Coming Home to Yourself, a meditation guided by Georgina Miranda. This meditation invites you to pause, reflect, and reconnect with your inner strength. Georgina reminds us that while mindfulness can be a refuge in difficult times, its real power comes from regular practice. This meditation is an opportunity to reset, find stability, and ground yourself in the present moment.
A Meditation for Coming Home to Yourself with Georgina Miranda
Find a quiet space where you will not be distracted. Take a seat on the floor or on a chair. Keep your spine straight. Place your palms on your lap facing up. Close your eyes or simply lower your gaze. Ease into your seat.
Start connecting with your breath. If your mind is busy, you can count your breaths as above to refocus and slow down.
Connect with the rhythm of your breath. With each inhale ground yourself a little more into your seat. With each exhale let go of any tension, worries, doubts, or fears that arise.
As you inhale next, feel the beauty of the breath moving through your body. Connect with a sense of renewal and ease.
As you exhale, release any remaining tension a little bit more, embracing a feeling of lightness come over you.
As you inhale, softly mentally affirm, “I am safe, I am home.”
As you exhale, softly mentally affirm, “I am well, and at ease.”
Continue with these affirmations and cycles of breath until you feel a shift within you. Feel your sense of safety, joy, ease, and peace and with each breath come home more to yourself.
More From Georgina Miranda
Take back your power, ease your suffering, and create space for growth, renewal, and intentional living with Reset and Let Go: The Freedom to Live Fully, a transformative course by Georgina Miranda. Rooted in mindfulness, self-awareness, and practical tools for transformation, this journey will help you release what no longer serves you, reset your mindset, and embrace the life you truly want to live.
As the mindfulness community stands at the forefront of helping people everywhere to develop emotional intelligence, compassion, and awareness of both self and others, we hope this series will result in opportunities for reflection, unlearning, and vulnerability to nurture cultural humility and heal.
We are all affected by the divisiveness that currently defines our socio-political environment. This series is an invitation to explore difficult topics with the love and compassion needed for deep, systemic change.
Each article includes:
Mindfulness-based tools for exploring the topics of race and racism.
Guided meditations to help you bring insights into practice and then out into the world.
Reflection prompts that accompany each article so you can integrate the work.
Q&A opportunities. Simply send your questions to yourwords@mindful.org and we may include them in a future Q&A article with Tovi’s response.
You don’t have to wait for Valentine’s day to pause and reflect on the relationships you value in your life. Whether it be with colleagues, friends, lovers, or a spouse, you can always benefit from taking a step back, appreciating the love you have in your life and making the time to show others you care about them.
Plenty of exercise. Healthy food. Positive attitude. Plain old good luck. There’s lots of advice out there about how to keep body and brain in optimal shape as the years roll by.
But Louis Cozolino, professor of psychology at Pepperdine University, is deeply engaged with another idea. In Cozolino’s book, Timeless: Nature’s Formula for Health and Longevity, he emphasizes the positive impact of human relationships.
“Of all the experiences we need to survive and thrive, it is the experience of relating to others that is the most meaningful and important,” he writes.
His thinking grows out of the relatively new field of interpersonal neurobiology, based on the recognition that humans are best understood not in isolation, but in the context of their connections with others. Our brains, Cozolino writes, are social organs, and that means that we are wired to connect with each other and to interact in groups. A life that maximizes social interaction and human-to-human contact is good for the brain at every stage, particularly for the aging brain.
Since the publication of Cozolino’s earlier book, The Neuroscience of Human Relationships, the field of social neuroscience has expanded tremendously. We now know that people who have more social support tend to have better mental health, cardiovascular health, immunological functioning, and cognitive performance. The well-known, long-running Harvard Medical School Nurses’ Health Study was one of the early studies to reveal how being socially integrated can lead to greater health, life satisfaction, and longevity over time.
“How we bond and stay attached to others is at the core of our resilience, self-esteem, and physical health,” Cozolino writes. “We build the brains of our children through our interaction with them, and we keep our own brains growing and changing throughout life by staying connected to others.”
6 Ways Relationships Help You Thrive
When we think about personal growth, we often envision a solo quest, like Don Quixote on a journey of self-improvement. We are advised to increase our self-control, get grittier, and develop a sense of purpose. So we hunker down, turn inward, and start the solitary task of reshaping our habits and behaviors.
And yet people who are thriving are usually doing so with the help of others. Peak athletes have coaches. Top executives have mentors. Great parents have parenting blogs and other great parents to bounce ideas off of.
Research backs this up, suggesting that positive relationships can help us succeed, grow, and become better people. Romantic partners often encourage and support one another toward shared goals. When parents are highly involved in school, their children tend to do well academically. And positive support from friends, especially during adolescence and early adulthood, can encourage us to be more empathic and helpful toward others.
Across all spheres of our lives, our relationships can not only help us feel good, but they can also help us be good. If you want to tap into these benefits, here are six simple ways to draw on your relationships to fuel your growth.
1. Spend time with the right people
We generally become more and more like the people with whom we spend our time. The more we see someone model a behavior and see that behavior being reinforced in positive ways, the more likely we are to try it out ourselves—whether it’s a friend having success with a new exercise routine or a partner staying calm during disagreements by tuning into their breath.
One of the most fundamental ways to make sure your relationships are helping you grow is to surround yourself with the right people. Some relationships frustrate us, some make us happy, and some challenge us (and some relationships do all three!). While it isn’t always easy to stop and start relationships, of course, we can aim to spend more time with the people who challenge us.
2. Create goals with others
Who says that goal setting should be a solitary venture?
When we share our goals with others, we immediately have someone to keep us accountable. It is difficult to stay on track with a goal all the time, but it’s easier if we have someone to help us work through an obstacle or pick us up when we fall.
The social support that we receive from others is incredibly powerful, particularly during those tough times. When the pressure is high, those who have greater levels of social support tend to experience less stress.
We may also be more motivated when we are working toward a goal with someone else. Think about being pushed by a running mate to jog a little faster than you would otherwise. Or giving up your Saturday for a service project because a friend is doing the same thing. Sometimes we need someone else to inspire us to be our best.
3. Ask for feedback
It’s usually up to us to decide on the areas where we could use some self-improvement. And while this process of self-reflection is important, we can sometimes be bad judges of our own abilities; we usually assume we know much more than we actually do. So why not look to our relationships as a source of feedback about where we can improve?
Feedback is crucial for our development. Research has shown that when we seek feedback and use it as an opportunity for growth, we are more likely to improve over time. How much faster would that process be if we went and asked for feedback instead of waiting for it to come? Imagine your partner’s reaction if you were to ask for feedback on what you could have done differently after a big fight, or how blown away your teenager would be if you asked how you could be a better parent this school year.
Our positive relationships represent a safe space for us to work on ourselves with support from people who care about us. But sometimes we have to make the first move and ask for that support.
4. Use your broader network
Just like financial capital, social capital is a valuable resource that we can invest in for our own good. The more meaningful relationships we have, the more social resources become available. We often find work or beloved hobbies through our relationships, even at three or four degrees of separation—like your brother’s wife’s friend, who heard about that great new job opening.
In addition to exposing us to new ideas, activities, and opportunities, social capital also frees us up to do more of the things we are good at when we find others to help with the things we aren’t as good at. This has benefits at home and at work: For example, employees are more engaged when they get to spend more time using their strengths. And teenagers are happier and less stressed when their parents focus on building their strengths.
5. Be grateful
Gratitude has long been promoted as a way of increasing our happiness, but it also motivates us toward self-improvement. If you want a simple boost from your relationships, you can start by just practicing gratitude for them. The act of being thankful can increase our confidence and encourage us to move forward with our goals, perhaps because it tends to make us feel more connected to people and creates feelings of elevation—a strong positive emotion that comes when we see others do good deeds.
So think about someone who has helped you a great deal in the past, and reach out to thank them. Not only will that exchange feel good for both of you, but it might also reignite a relationship that can spark your further growth.
6. Invest in others
As you’re tapping into your relationships for social capital, you can contribute to the growth of others, as well—which is another way to show gratitude.
We as humans are motivated by reciprocity. When we receive a favor, we often want to pay it back (or pay it forward). So offer to help a neighbor with a home improvement project just like another neighbor helped you. Or reach out to someone you have helped in the past, and check in to see how they are doing.
While supporting others is meaningful in and of itself, it doesn’t hurt that it tends to be a mutually beneficial experience. We help someone else, and we usually feel pretty good—and might even learn something in the process. That is one reason mentoring has become so common in the workplace. It is an exchange that benefits both parties, as the mentee gains valuable wisdom while the mentor gets to brush up on skills and take in new perspectives.
Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness
In this TEDx talk, Robert Waldinger, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, director of the Center for Psychodynamic Therapy and Research at Massachusetts General Hospital, and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, shares three important lessons learned from a 75-year study as well as some practical wisdom on how to build a fulfilling, long life filled with true happiness and satisfaction.
Watch the Full Video:
What Makes a Good Life?
1.Social connections are good for us, and loneliness kills. It turns out people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to the community are happier, they’re physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less connected. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner, and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely, Dr. Waldinger explains.
2.Keeping your close relationships, closer. It’s not the number of close friends you have, or whether or not you’re in a committed relationship, but the quality of your close relationships that matter. Living in the midst of conflict is bad for your health. High-conflict marriages without much affection, according to Dr. Waldinger, are perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.
3.Good relationships don’t just affect our bodies, they protect our brains. The same study also showed that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people’s memories stay sharper and longer.
How to Strengthen Relationships with Mindfulness
Having strong relationships is one of the single greatest predictors of wellness, happiness, and longevity. And our connections flourish when we take time to get to know ourselves, and others, better.
Here are three simple ways to strengthen the relationships you have, and nourish the ones that might need some work.
Watch the Full Video:
3 Simple Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships
1. Start with kindness
Kindness is like a magnet. People like to be around others who are kind because they feel cared about and safe with them. The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would want them to do to you” still rings true today.
It’s also reciprocal. When we practice kindness, not only do we feel better, but we help others feel good, too. And this just increases opportunities for positive connections throughout our day, which, in turn, contributes to our own health and well-being.
2. Let go of toxic people
Take an inventory of your relationships to get a sense of who’s nourishing you and who’s depleting you. A strong relationship will make you feel comfortable, confident, and fully supported.
Once you know who is really there for you, try to spend a little less time with those who deplete you. This isn’t always possible, of course (ie: family members, coworkers, etc.), so in those cases, see if you can change your relationship a little bit by recognizing that those people may be dealing with some instability in their lives. Practice sending them some kind intentions using a loving-kindness meditation and see what comes up.
3. Focus on similarities, not differences
If you want to foster a greater sense of connection in your life, it’s helpful to think of what we share as human beings—even with the people you might not always see eye to eye on.
As you go through your day and encounter someone who you think is different from you, silently say, “Just like me,” and see what you notice. You may just experience the awareness that each of us wants the same things: to feel cared for and understood, and to experience a sense of belonging.
How Practicing Gratitude Helps Relationships
Imagine that you’ve embarked on a quest to be more grateful. You dutifully journal about the happy events in your day. You notice and begin to appreciate all the little things your partner does for you, from brewing your morning coffee to letting you pick what movie to watch. This can only be good for your relationship, right?
According to a recent study, it depends—on whether your partner is grateful, too.
While gratitude has been shown to be a boon for individuals—making you happier, healthier, and more successful—less is known about how gratitude works in relationships, where personalities and habits collide to create complex, dynamic interactions.
To go deeper into whether gratitude helps relationships, Florida State University psychologist James K. McNulty and his coauthor Alexander Dugas recruited 120 newlywed couples to fill out surveys. Initially, they reported how happy and satisfied they were with their marriage and their partner, and how much gratitude they felt and expressed for their partner and the nice things they did. They repeated the gratitude survey a year later and the marriage survey every four months for three years.
That gave researchers a snapshot of how each partner’s gratitude and marital satisfaction changed over time. And they found that spouses heavily influenced each other.
How a Lack of Gratitude Hurts Relationships
If your mate is low in gratitude, the results suggest, you seem to miss out on some of the benefits of being a grateful person yourself. More grateful people started out more satisfied with their marriages and were more satisfied three years in—but only if their partner was high in gratitude, too. Marital satisfaction naturally declined in couples over time, but it declined even more steeply for grateful people wedded to ungrateful ones.
In extreme cases, when their partner showed very little gratitude, being more grateful actually seemed to hurt their romantic happiness.
This worked the other way around, too. Grateful partners typically make our lives better, but we might not benefit as much if we’re not also grateful. People with more grateful partners tended to start out more satisfied with their marriages and still be more satisfied three years later—but only if they were high in gratitude. A grateful partner helped stave off the natural declines in people’s marital satisfaction over time—but, again, only for the highly grateful. When people were extremely ungrateful, their partner’s thankfulness seemed to backfire.
Not only are ungrateful partners missing out on genuine moments of positivity and connection, but their other halves may be less willing to contribute to the couple if their efforts aren’t recognized.
Surprisingly, the study suggested that two less grateful partners might be happier together than partners with mismatched levels of gratitude. “I suspect that the mismatch is troubling for the same reasons other mismatches in personality can be troubling—the two partners just aren’t on the same page in terms of how to treat one another,” says McNulty.
Does that mean we should blame our partners for all our relationship woes, or coerce them into saying “thank you” more?
Not necessarily. This is a single study, and it measured gratitude in a specific way, points out relationship well-being researcher Amie Gordon: asking people about their own appreciation, not asking the other partner how appreciated they actually felt. Different ways of measuring gratitude may yield different results—including a situation where our own expressions of thanks can rub off on our partner, making them more grateful in turn. Plus, gratitude is only one piece of the relationship puzzle—and practicing gratitude has lots of other benefits to our lives. At the end of the day, for many of us, it probably helps to try to see the good in the person we love.
The One Question That Can Save Your Relationship
For a moment, think of seeing your partner or close friend as they walk in your front door. You jump up to greet them, exclaiming that their new jacket looks great on them, and you’ve been excited to see them all day. In the midst of your rush of enthusiasm, how are they reacting? Do you have a sense that they believe and trust what you’re saying, or do your compliments seem to isolate them?
Although love is the quality we tend to glorify the most in romantic relationships, trust is equally indispensable. It’s the sustaining, slow-burning element of love. If you want to actively cultivate a deeper trust with your partner, research has found it could be as simple as asking them one important question.
Low Self-Esteem Interferes with Trust
Researchers from the University of Waterloo conducted five studies with people in romantic relationships who suffer from a similar problem: One partner has a poor opinion of themselves. This insecurity makes that partner more likely to reject expressions of praise and esteem—even from the people closest to them—and thus to feel less satisfied in their relationship.
If your partner is already sure of themselves, the occasional shower of praise will have the desired effect of reaffirming to your sweetheart that they can trust you. This, of course, reinforces your relationship. But when a partner is insecure about themselves, being praised can spark an anxious reaction. Instead, praise becomes a trigger for doubting the sincerity of their partner because the compliment contradicts the negative emotions they have toward themselves.
How to Show You Care
To avoid having your communication backfire, the researchers found that trust is gained by asking simple, meaningful questions about their daily experience. Simply asking “How was your day?” and then mindfully listening to the answer conveys your genuine interest and attention in how they’re doing and feeling. Other, more specific versions of the question work as well, for example: “What were your classes like today?” or “Where did you go for lunch?”
For a person with insecurities, this form of curious, caring inquiry, paired with mindful listening, can fly under the radar of their “praise triggers,” building trust without activating self-judgment. In fact, the researchers found that being asked about their day increased a partner’s sense of satisfaction in the relationship, regardless of whether one or both of the partners was insecure.
Curiosity Creates the Space to Trust
One of the studies found that it wasn’t describing their day that made people feel better, but rather, feeling listened to and cared for in that moment. The surprising thing is that curiosity did not seem to give an extra boost in all relationships. Couples whose levels of self-regard and trust were already normal or above-average did not experience that jump in relationship satisfaction from the “How was your day?” check-in.
On the other hand, paying attention to your partner’s experiences can’t hurt your relationship. As the study authors noted, “Showing attention and interest in someone, especially in a society as filled with distractions as ours, can be the most important signal of caring there is.”
How Love and Mindfulness Go Hand in Hand
Remember, “love” is a verb. Are you so busy that you forget to prioritize romance? Be honest. How strong is your current love connection on a scale from zero to 10? If it’s less than 10, read on. Here’s how you can slow down and show up for love, over and over again.
Tips for Mindful Loving
1. Remember why you love your partner
Take each sighting of cheap chocolates or drooping roses as a cue to take a mindful breath. Then connect with your heart. Recall special moments the two of you have shared—your first kiss, what they wore on your wedding day, the most outrageous place you’ve made love. Later, share those memories with your sweetie and celebrate some of the moments that led you along the path to now.
2. Commit to date your mate
Give the gift of interest and time, and book non-negotiable weekly dates. Try recreating your first date, but tell each other what you were privately thinking and feeling during that life-changing encounter. Plan occasional adventures—research shows that novelty and excitement heighten sexual attraction, so skip the movie and head for a climbing wall, an erotic massage class, or a spot for skinny dipping.
How a Mindful Marriage Can Reinvigorate Your Relationship
When you were first dating you naturally treated love like a hobby. In the throes of early infatuation everything seemed effortless. Thanks to hopping hormones your sex drive was high. Thanks to neurochemicals of love creating mindfulness that resembled obsessive compulsions, your beloved was always in your thoughts and you planned your life around them. The friendship was wonderful. So how do you get that back?
Bids for Closeness
Underneath that deep, seemingly effortless, early passion and intimacy was a hidden skill: the ability to make and accept bids for emotional closeness. According Gottman, successful couples are mindful of these bids for connection and pay attention to them. These bids might be a look, a question, an affectionate stroke of the cheek, anything that says, “Hey, I want to be connected to you.” Most bids happen in simple, mundane ways, and if we are mindless we miss the overture.
Gottman’s studies indicate that couples who eventually divorce ignore their spouse’s bids for connection 50-80% of the time, while those in happy marriages catch most of these emotional cues and respond kindly.
Make Time to Connect
Long-term great relationships are not an accident. They thrive by design. Great couples pay attention and create connection. These tiny and frequent connections weave an intimate fabric of closeness, creating a blanket of security that wraps us up in love. So give it a try. Make a hobby of your love life and hone happiness habits. Then no matter how life teeters or totters, the two of you can dance in the middle, holding hands, friends for life.
5 Research-Backed Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage
There’s something odd about the very idea of “the science of marriage.” Raising kids together, negotiating disputes, or having good sex—these aren’t “scientific” activities. It would be odd to use predictive analytics to improve your parenting. It would be even stranger to use data sets of your past trysts to spice up your sex life.
Science can’t explain the mystery of marriage—the actual experience of being in love. And yet, over the last 30 years, a growing body of evidence has helped shed some light on what works and what doesn’t in marriage.
1. Focus on positive interactions
John Gottman, a preeminent marriage researcher, purports to be able to predict the likelihood of divorce with over 90% accuracy. How does he do it? It all comes down to what he calls the 5-to-1 ratio. Couples that interact with five positive interactions for every one negative interaction are likely to stay together. Couples that get caught in a cycle of negative interactions, on the other hand, seem destined for divorce.
2. Communicate
University of Utah sociologist Daniel Carlson’s research points to another foundational skill in marriage: communication. His studies show that communication leads to a more egalitarian division of labor, which in turn leads to greater relationship satisfaction as well as more and better sex.
3. Divide your labor
It’s great to interact positively and communicate well. But recent polling shows that an equal distribution of household labor ranks among the top three reasons people cite as keys to making marriage work. The Pew Research Center notes that over 60% of married people view sharing household tasks as essential to the success of marriage. In one woman’s words, “I like hugs. I like kisses. But what I really love is help with the dishes.”
4. Be friends with each other
Gottman’s research points to one other important insight: Couples with deep friendships report higher levels of marital satisfaction. The reason? Friendship is correlated to deeper levels of understanding, admiration, and mutual respect.
5. Have sex at least once a week
Researchers have long known that sex is linked to relationship satisfaction. However, the research of psychologist Amy Muise shows that the link between sexual frequency and relationship well-being stops at having sex once per week. It’s what researchers call a “curvilinear” association. The more sex you have, the more your relationship satisfaction improves—that is, until you hit once a week. From there on out, relationship satisfaction stays the same, no matter how much mind-blowing sex you have.
Did you marry the wrong person? Here are three ways to find out:
1. Let Go of Fantasy
Do you sometimes have a sinking feeling that you did not marry “the one?” Perhaps you have married a person with whom the sex is not always frequent, passionate, and surprising. Perhaps your spouse’s blind adoration seems to be fading? Do the two of you sometimes feel contempt or defensiveness in the face of each other’s “helpful” feedback? If that sounds familiar, you have likely married the wrong person.
That’s okay. We all marry the wrong person. Or, rather, we marry people for reasons that don’t really pan out over the long haul.
According to the founder and chairman of The School of Life Alain de Botton, we mustn’t abandon our flawed spouses simply because our marriages aren’t living up to childhood daydreams. Instead, we need to jettison “the Romantic idea upon which the Western understanding of marriage has been based the last 250 years: that a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy our every yearning.”
We human beings have a wonderful capacity to create rich fantasies. But when we expect our reality to match a fantasy and life doesn’t deliver what we imagined it would, it’s hard to feel anything other than cheated.
The truth is not very appealing: There is no prince in shining armor coming to save us from loneliness and anxiety, to rescue us from feelings of inadequacy. It begs hard questions: Can I consistently feel grateful for what I do have, rather than disappointed in what I don’t? Can I let go of my attachment to a cultural idea that is, quite literally, a fairy tale?
2. Accept Imperfection
Ask yourself if you would marry your partner again. In your heart you may know it’s true: you would marry them again and again, even knowing that marriage is not necessarily easier or more pleasant than being alone, even accepting that marriage does not have any power to transport us back into a state of romantic bliss.
No actual human being can ever measure up to the romantic fantasy of a soulmate. Your partner might be imperfect (and imperfect-for-you), but we’re all highly imperfect and, as such, imperfect for our partners. It’s such a fair match.
3. Ask the Right Questions
It’s clear that all along we’ve been asking the wrong question. “Are you the right person for me?” leads only to stress and judgment and suffering.
Determining the rightness of a match between ourselves and another is a fundamentally flawed enterprise, because nothing outside of ourselves—nothing we can buy, achieve, and certainly no other person—can fix our brokenness, can bring us the lasting joy that we crave.
A more empowering—and more deeply romantic—question is: Am I the right person for you?
A more constructive (and potentially satisfying) proposition is to ask: Can I accommodate your imperfections with humor and grace?
Can I tolerate your inability to read my mind and make everything all-better?
Can I negotiate our disagreements with love and intelligence? Without losing myself to fear and emotion?
Am I willing to do the introspective work required of marriage? Can I muster the self-awareness needed to keep from driving you away?
Do I think I am brave enough to continue loving you, despite your flaws, and, more importantly, despite mine?
Tips for Meditating as a Couple
Critics of the modern mindfulness movement often note that those of us who promote the benefits of mindfulness have a way of getting evangelical in our attempts to raise awareness about the practice. “If it’s great for me,” we think, “it must be good for you, and you are missing out!”
The culture of mindfulness often reinforces this attitude in subtle ways: books, articles, and podcasts present these practices as a kind of panacean remedy for all our ills, so we struggle to understand why others wouldn’t want to give it a try.
Being excited about mindfulness may seem harmless, but when we get too pushy about it in our most intimate relationships—especially with our partners and spouses—it can become a source of relational friction, and even conflict.
4 Ways to Accept Your Practice Without Pushing It on Others
So what are the do’s and don’ts for being in a relationship with a partner who isn’t into mindfulness? Here are a few tips:
1. Recognize that you don’t need others to meditate in order to validate your own practice. Even if we’re not consciously attached to our partner practicing mindfulness, this desire can sneak out in subtle ways. It even arises in thoughts like, “If I let go of my attachment to my partner becoming interested in mindfulness, maybe they will get into it.” The best strategy here is to work toward a place of radical acceptance.
2. Drop the air of superiority. Here’s another subtle trap of mindfulness evangelism. It’s a belief buried somewhere deep down in the subconscious mind that “I am more aware, more awake, or more enlightened than you because I meditate and you don’t.” Of course, you would never say this to your partner. But it’s often communicated through comments like, “I had the most amazing meditation today!” or “I love meditating!” or “My mind is just so clear right now.”
3. Accept your experience as yours alone. Jon Kabat-Zinn offers sage advice here. He advises us to resist the urge to talk about our practice. This is particularly true when it comes to our closest relationships. When you feel the urge to say, “Meditating is so great. It’s changed my life,” pause before sharing and take a closer look at your motives. In fact, when you feel like you have something profound to say about your practice, use that as a sign that it’s a good time to go back to the cushion. Sit with this desire to share your experience and see what’s underneath it.
4. Let go of the idea that you are a “changed person” because of your practice. This subtle vice of mindfulness aficionados arises when we say things like, “I used to struggle with anxiety” or “I used to be so attached” or “I used to feel angry all the time, but I don’t anymore.” Such statements not only infuriate your partner and the entire community, but they are also generally based on the delusional idea that we’re now somehow beyond experiencing basic forms of human suffering, an idea that simply isn’t true.
In the end, the real key to practicing mindfulness with a partner who isn’t into it is all about letting go. Let go of the hope that he or she might one day share your love for the practice. Let go of your desire to boast about the amazing benefits of your practice. Let go of the feeling that you have achieved some sort of spiritual superiority through meditation. When you do, a new world of deeper connection and love awaits.
Couples Meditation: A 10-Minute Meditation on Love Connection
Clinical psychologist Tara Brach and her husband, meditation teacher Jonathan Foust, have developed a regular practice for keeping the lines of communication open and maintaining a deep, loving connection. They engage in the practice two mornings a week. Here’s how Tara suggests going about it.
Mindfulness Practice: Keep the Lines Open
1) Begin by sitting silently together for 10-20 minutes, as time allows.
2) Next, take turns telling each other what you’re grateful for, what’s enlivening your heart at present. “This is called gladdening the heart and serves as a good way to open the channel of communication,” Tara says.
3) Next, take turns naming any particular challenges you’re dealing with that are currently causing you stress. These are difficulties you’re facing apart from your relationship.
4) Then, deepen your inquiry by taking turns noting anything that might be restricting the sense of love and openness you feel toward your partner. First, you might ask yourself: “What is between me and feeling openhearted and intimate with my partner?” This is potentially the stickiest part of the practice, as well as the most rewarding.
“Naming difficult truths is the best way to bring more love and understanding into a relationship,” explains Tara. For example, she says, “There are times when I get busy and Jonathan takes on a larger portion of the household responsibilities and ends up feeling unappreciated, and I need to be reminded to express my appreciation. When we acknowledge what could cause resentment if left unsaid, it brings us closer together.” But, she cautions, for this step to be productive, it’s essential for both partners to practice speaking and listening from a place of vulnerability, without blaming the other person.
5) Next, expand your inquiry to see whether there’s anyone in your wider circlewho also calls out for your attention—in your family, friend circle or society at large who’s important to you as an individual or as a couple. Take turns identifying them, and sense what might serve well-being in this larger domain of relationship.
6) Lastly, enjoy some moments of silent appreciation together, ideally in a long, tender hug.
Couples Meditation: A 5-Minute Love Letter Meditation
Authors of The 80/80 Marriage, Nate Klemp and Kaley Klemp, guide you through a visualization practice to bring a sense of gratitude to your relationship and reconnect with your partner.
A Radical Generosity Visualization Practice
For this visualization practice, imagine you and your partner are at the end of your lives. You’ve had a great run together. And now, it’s time to say “goodbye.” From this perspective, you will write a letter to them. But first, to help you go even deeper into this perspective, we encourage you to listen to the radical generosity love letter meditation. We’ve also included a few prompts below in case you need inspiration.
As you go through this practice, think about what you want your partner to know? How did you fall in love? What were some of your favourite moments together? What do you want to appreciate your partner for? What will you miss most about them?
1. Find a comfortable seat, or if you prefer, you can even lie down on your back with something to support your head and neck.
2. Once you get settled, take just a few breaths. Feel the weight of your body supported by the earth, close your eyes, and let go of any effort to control your breath. Then, release any stress or tension you might be carrying.
3. Picture you and your partner many years from now at the end of your lives. You’re sitting together on comfortable chairs perched at the edge of a pristine lake, a lake that’s so still you can see the reflection of the horizon on its surface. Your skin is wrinkled, and your hair is gray. You’ve had an amazing run together. As you sit together, your partner reaches out to hold your hand; It’s the perfect day.
4. From this perspective, think back to the day the two of you first met, remember where you were, who you were with, and what happened. And just notice the feeling of gratitude for having met each other.
5. Now, think back to the day you were married, or if that’s not relevant, to some other meaningful day. Picture the scene. Remember who was there. Remember what you were wearing and what you were feeling at that moment. And just notice the feeling of gratitude.
6. Think back to a moment when you were struggling, and your partner showed up to support you. It might be a difficult year, a layoff, or some other big setback. Remember where you were, what you were feeling, and see if you can experience that feeling of support. And just notice again, that feeling of gratitude.
7. Remember a milestone moment you shared with your partner. It might be the birth of a child, the launch of a business, or some other major life accomplishment. Remember where you were, picture the two of you together, remember what it was like to celebrate and savor this moment. And just notice the feeling of gratitude.
8. Now return to those two chairs facing the lake and spend the next minute or so just savoring this experience of gratitude and appreciation for your partner.
9. When you’re ready, take a few final deep breaths, relax even more into this experience of gratitude.
10. Then begin to open your eyes and come back to the present where you are right now.
And now, see if you can bring this heightened sense of gratitude and appreciation to the final task: writing your partner the radical generosity love letter.
Mindfulness Practice: Rekindling Passion In Your Relationship
Loving intentions guide your behavior in the present moment and help you create an intentional relationship.
Step 1: Pick a relationship goal. Goal: I want to have more kindness in our relationship.
Step 2: Choose three intentions that will guide you to act in ways that will move you toward that goal. For example: Intention 1: I intend to speak with a kind tone when I feel impatient. Intention 2: I intend to leave a meaningful and loving note for my spouse each morning. Intention 3: I intend to meditate for thirty minutes most days to continue to strengthen my mind and cultivate patience.
Step 3: Review your intentions daily. After you create your loving intentions list, commit to spending two minutes each morning reviewing that list and setting your intentions for the day.
At the end of each day, take time to review your progress. How did you do? Did you turn your intentions into actions? Some wins, some losses? Can you tweak your intentions to make them even more actionable tomorrow?
How to Improve Your Relationships with Mindful Communication
We all crave love, intimacy, and genuine connection, but our unconscious habits and reactions can get in the way of our most important relationship skill: mindful communication. When we practice being fully present for the beautiful, dynamic, and messy realm of human relationships, we bring our mindfulness practice truly “off the cushion.”
While every relationship we have begins with our relationship with ourselves, relational mindfulness gives us the tools we need to connect more deeply with others. Indeed it is the arena of meeting the day-to-day family, work, and social struggles that we can profoundly deepen our mindfulness practice.
What Does Relational Mindfulness Look Like?
1. Set the intention to pay attention
Beginning with the intention to pay attention moment by moment enables you to recognize when you’re getting caught up in unconscious habits that get in the way of genuine connection. When you can pay attention to these moments you give yourself the opportunity to investigate what’s behind them: Are you seeking approval? Wanting to be right? Wanting to be liked? When you allow your deeper intention of staying present be your foundation you give yourself the choice of responding rather than reacting
2. Take a mindful pause during conversations
By pausing before, during, and after conversations, you can stay connected with your deeper self as you engage with others. Each time you take a pause, breathe, and turn your attention within, you invite yourself into presence. You can return from distractions (or inner stories that can cause you to disconnect). If, for instance, an inner story is creating anxiety or judgment, you can pause and consider if this is really what you want to give your energy to.
3. Listen deeply
Listening to life, moment by moment, as it unfolds is the essence of mindfulness practice. Through practicing deep listening in relationship with others, possibilities for connection open up in ever widening circles. While most of us think of listening as something that requires effort, mindfulness teaches us how to listen from a place of less effort and more ease and relaxation.
4. Practice mindful inquiry
Learn to inquire into your present moment experience with care and curiosity. Ask questions such as, “Through what lens am I perceiving?” “Is the thought I’m having really true?” The more you become aware of the energy that you give to your inner stories, the more you can release those stories and see others clearly and compassionately. If, for instance, you notice yourself harshly judging someone, or comparing yourself to someone, instead of letting that story color your interaction, you can learn to question it and redirect your attention.
5. Turn toward challenges, rather than away
Most people have been taught to turn away from the challenges they face. But being challenged is a natural and inevitable part of being human. Relational mindfulness invites you to turn towards discomfort so you can deepen your capacity for presence. When a difficult emotion, such as hurt or jealousy, arises during an interaction, you can gently acknowledge it and be with it. You can use your discomfort as an invitation to bring more compassion and healing to a part of you that you may not like or understand.
6. Take responsibility when things get tough
It’s easy to get caught up placing blame on others, thinking something is “their fault” or “their issue, not mine.” Taking responsibility for your internal response to difficult situations allows you to let go of the desire to blame, judge, or place yourself above someone. This kind of “looking within” can deepen your practice immensely. Rather than placing blame, asking yourself: “What is this difficulty inviting me to investigate and bring compassion to?” is a useful starting point for learning how to take more responsibility.
7. Bring curiosity to things you “take personally”
Not only do we get caught up taking our own thoughts extremely personally (believing rather than questioning the stories we tell ourselves), we also take things that other people say personally. By practicing not taking life so personally, you can create the space needed to see the bigger picture and to see yourself within the bigger picture. Not taking things personally helps you to stay connected to others, to see that we’re all trying to do the best we can, rather than perpetuating a false sense of division, or holding onto judgments (about yourself or others). This is by no means an encouragement to bypass your personal feelings, but a means to bring skill and curiosity to your experiences.
8. Bravely speak your truth
Learning to be vulnerable and honest, even when it is difficult, allows you to acknowledge the complexity and contradiction that’s naturally part of life. Even though it feels scary sometimes, skillful truth telling is a gift to everyone you engage with. It can take time to learn how to speak your truth, but here are three encouragements: 1) Take the risk! When you are honest and allow yourself to be seen as you are, you invite others to do the same. 2) Take off your mask. When you find yourself putting on a mask to avoid the truth, question if this is really serving you. For instance, if you put on a social or smiling mask when you are actually feeling sad, you miss opportunities for genuine connection. 3) Trust your true voice. If you take time to be still and quiet, and listen deeply enough, you will hear the true voice of your inner guide.
9. Act with compassion
When you pause, listen deeply, and inquire into your experience, compassionate action can arise organically in the form of insight, intuition, and self-knowledge. Compassion is not a concept—not something to find through cognitive understanding. It exists inside of you, not outside of you. It can be accessed directly by listening to your own heart. Ask yourself: “What feels genuinely compassionate in this moment? What is best for all in this moment?”
Relational mindfulness offers both a set of teachings, and tools for embodiment. It is not a set of standards to hold yourself to or to use against yourself or others, but a set of encouragements for healing. These principles can help you to bring more care and compassion to your families, love relationships, work life, social action and community organizing, and most importantly, your relationship with yourself.
How to Practice Mindful Listening
How often do you feel really listened to? How often do you really listen to others? (Be honest.)
We know we’re in the presence of a good listener when we get that sweet, affirming feeling of really being heard. But sadly it occurs all too rarely. We can’t force others to listen, but we can improve our own listening, and perhaps inspire others by doing so.
Good listening means mindful listening. Like mindfulness itself, listening takes a combination of intention and attention. The intention part is having a genuine interest in the other person—their experiences, views, feelings, and needs. The attention part is being able to stay present, open, and unbiased as we receive the other’s words—even when they don’t line up with our own ideas or desires.
Paradoxically, being good at listening to others requires the ability to listen to yourself. If you can’t recognize your own beliefs and opinions, needs and fears, you won’t have enough inner space to really hear anyone else. So the foundation for mindful listening is self-awareness.
Here are some tips to be a good listener to yourself so you can be a good listener for others.
How to Really Listen
1) Check inside: “How am I feeling just now? Is there anything getting in the way of being present for the other person?” If something is in the way, decide if it needs to be addressed first or can wait till later.
2) Feeling your own sense of presence, extend it to the other person with the intention to listen fully and openly, with interest, empathy, and mindfulness.
3) Silently note your own reactions as they arise—thoughts, feelings, judgments, memories. Then return your full attention to the speaker.
4) Reflect back what you are hearing, using the speaker’s own words when possible, paraphrasing or summarizing the main point. Help the other person feel heard.
5) Use friendly, open-ended questions to clarify your understanding and probe for more. Affirm before you differ. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view—acknowledging is not agreeing!—before introducing your own ideas, feelings, or requests.
How to Defuse an Argument with Your Partner
One of the unique quirks of the human brain is its propensity to mirror the states of others. When we see an eight-week-old baby smile, we can’t help but smile. It just sort of happens.
But the opposite is also true. When we experience our partner’s irritation and anger, we get pissed. We feel an instant surge of irritation and anger. It just sort of happens.
Psychologists have a name for this phenomenon. They call it “complementary behavior”: the natural human tendency to mirror the emotions of those around us. When we’re in the presence of someone else’s happiness, we feel happy. When we’re in the presence of fear, we feel afraid. It’s a fancy way of saying that, when your partner comes at you with anger or irritation, you’re wired to respond in kind. It’s a behavioral pattern that can lead to endless arguments and conflict.
The question is, can we break the cycle of complementary behavior?
1. Admit when you’re wrong
Most fights involve a struggle for one thing: being right. The attachment to being right is so strong that it leads some people to end their relationships altogether. One problem with our attachment to being right is that it’s often impossible to judge who’s wrong and who’s right. The other problem is that being right comes at an outrageous cost: living in a state of continuous anger and resentment.
So, just for fun, during your next argument, see what happens when you open up to the possibility that you are wrong. Or, perhaps you want to take this one step further: Admit that you’re wrong.
2. Opt for non-complementary behavior
Now for the advanced practice. The opposite of “complementary behavior” is what psychologists call “non-complementary behavior.” It’s the radical practice of doing the exact opposite of your partner during a conflict. This is the Gandhi-style move of responding to your partner’s searing resentment with love. It’s extreme. It’s counter to our most deeply wired instincts.
And yet this is the move that can dissolve an argument in 30 seconds or less. Because when you break the cycle of anger by responding with genuine love, kindness, and curiosity, you change the game. Your partner might initially wonder what the hell is going on. They might ask if you’re feeling OK. But, eventually, your non-complementary generosity and love will become contagious and the argument will dissolve.
Deepen Your Connections and Sense of Belonging
To connect more deeply with others, you must face the one person that you keep on the shortest leash: yourself. We often reject other people’s care or attention when we believe we don’t deserve it—but there’s nothing special you must do to deserve love. As Sharon Salzberg reminds us, it is simply because you exist.
Try this fifteen-minute guided meditation from Sharon Salzberg to learn how to open your heart to love and compassion:
A Practice for Opening Your Heart
1) Imagine you’re encircled by people who love you. Sit with your eyes closed, breathing normally, imagining yourself in the center of a circle made up of the most loving beings you’ve ever met.
2) Receive the love of those who love you. Experience yourself as the recipient of the energy, attention, care, and regard of all of these beings in your circle of love. Send love to yourself by giving yourself this message: May I be safe, May I be happy, May I be healthy. May I live with ease of heart.
3) Notice how you feel when you receive love.Whatever emotions may arise, you just let them wash through you. And repeat to yourself: May I be safe, May I be happy, May I be healthy. May I live with ease of heart.
4) Open yourself up to receiving love. Imagine that your skin is porous and this warm, loving energy is coming in. There’s nothing special that you need to do or be in order to deserve this kind of loving care. It’s simply because you exist.
5) Send loving care to the people in your circle. You can allow that quality of loving kindness and compassion and care you feel coming toward you to flow right back out to the circle and then toward all beings everywhere, so that what you receive, you transform into giving. May we all be safe, May we all be happy, May we all be healthy. May we all live with ease of heart.
Learn to Connect with Those You Love
By Elisha Goldstein and Stefanie Goldstein
In movies, people often gaze into the eyes of the person they love—but in reality, we spend more time gazing into the glowing screens of our smartphones. It’s a damaging habit that can distract us from in-person conversations and real-world experiences with people we care about. Here are 11 simple ways to build real relationships with the people you care about most:
11 Ways to Connect with Care
1. Really see each other
Making eye contact with someone activates what psychologist Stephen Porges calls our Social Nervous System, which can relieve stress and create a deeper sense of connection. It is hard not to feel intimate and vulnerable when looking into the eyes of another person—even a stranger. Try it! It may feel funny at first, but you will find a softening in your heart and a sensation of love flowing before you know it.
2. Listen with all of your senses
There’s a difference between hearing someone and actively listening to someone. The next time you’re having an in-person conversation, notice the posture and body language of the other person. Tune into the tone of their voice, and absorb the meaning of their words. See if it’s possible to put aside your own response while listening to them speak. When we feel listened to, we feel cared about and this increases a sense of mutual love and connection.
3. Reach out and touch someone
As mammals, physical contact is essential to our well-being. American psychologist Harry Harlow’s famous study on maternal deprivation with rhesus monkeys demonstrated that touch provides a crucial psychological and emotional resource in our development. Touch is also a primary way we communicate, feel safe, soothe our nervous systems, trust one another, and convey love and compassion. Take a day to experiment with actively reaching out to your loved ones with small touches (on the hand, shoulder, knee, or arm) and see what you notice—perhaps it’s a greater sense of connection, increased compassion, or an open heart.
4. Hug like you mean it
Very few things feel better than a good hug. Science shows that hugging can reduce blood pressure, alleviate fear, soothe anxiety, and release the “love” hormone oxytocin. Psychologist Stan Tatkin suggests that in order to align nervous systems, prevent arguments, and feel more connected people hug until both bodies feel relaxed. Who can you hug today?
5. Be interested
The late rabbi and social activist Abraham Joshua Heschel said, “Life is routine, and routine is resistance to wonder.” One of the essential attitudes of mindfulness is curiosity, and we can bring this into our relationships to foster warmth and trust. Our minds often tell us that we “know” someone so well that we can predict their behaviors and responses. While this may be true some of the time, it also stops us from clearly seeing the person in front of us—instead we just see our “idea” of that person. See if you can be open, curious, and interested in those close to you as if you are getting to know them for the first time. You might be surprised what you find.
6. Make plans and keep them
Nothing breaks a bond like flaking on plans. And yet there are often reasons we don’t follow through on commitments. Sometimes we’re overextended, saying “yes” to plans or responsibilities when we mean “no.” Be honest with yourself, and only take on what you can handle. Identify the people in your life who bring you down, and those who nourish and energize you. And then figure out if, and how, you can work with your relationships to those people to foster mutual trust, respect, and appreciation. Our connections flourish when we take time to get to know ourselves, and others, better.
7. Communicate your needs and feelings
Most of us have been guilty at one time or another of not being clear about what we really need or want in the moment. This indirect form of communication rarely yields the outcome we want. In our program Connecting Adolescents to Learning Mindfulness (CALM), we emphasize the importance of Non-Violent Communication, which assumes that we all share the same basic needs and that our actions (knowingly or unknowingly) are attempts to get those satisfied. When we learn how to identify and express our own needs clearly, we naturally move toward greater understanding, compassion, and connection with the people in our lives.
8. Be kind
Kindness is like a magnet. People like to be around others who are kind because they feel cared about and safe with them. The age-old Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would want them to do to you” still rings true today. It’s also reciprocal. When we practice kindness, not only do we feel better, but we help others feel good, too. And this just increases opportunities for positive connections throughout our day, which, in turn, contributes to our own health and well-being.
9. THINK before you speak
We’ve all been guilty of saying or doing something we wished we hadn’t. It happens. But we can certainly make more of an effort to be thoughtful with our words and actions. Try this experiment for a week: Before speaking to someone, consider the following: Is it True, is it Helpful, am I the best one to say it, is it Necessary, is it Kind? See how your interactions change.
We might even imagine what the world would be like if everyone practiced this a little more.
10. Practice “Just like me”
DNA research has revealed that regardless of gender, ethnicity, or race, humans are 99.9% the same. If you want to foster a greater sense of connection in your life, as you go through your day and encounter someone who you think is different from you, silently say, “Just like me,” and see what comes up. You may just experience the awareness that each of us wants the same things: to feel cared for and understood, and to experience a sense of belonging.
11. Experience joy for others
Be on the lookout for moments when you notice that others are taking care of themselves, experiencing a success or accomplishment, or even just having a good day, and see if you can be happy for them. Sometimes this joy for another’s happiness naturally arises, and other times it’s something we can intentionally foster. If you feel so bold, tell them, “Good job” or “I’m so happy for you.” Not only can this create or strengthen your connection, but it can amplify your own good feelings.
Build Connection Through Digital Zones
If eye contact, touch, and the way we use vocal tone (prosody) can help create connection, technology dilutes it. It pulls our gaze away and reduces human physical touch and can give us a sense of connection that often stays at the surface. Consider how you can create some tech-free zones throughout your day to increase your relational awareness and foster deeper connections in your daily life.
Notice These 3 Phases of Communication
A great metaphor for this is the changing traffic light: We imagine that when the channel of communication closes down, the light has turned red. When communication feels open again, we say the light has turned green. When communication feels in-between, or on the verge of closing down, we say the light has turned yellow. The changing traffic light imagery helps us to identify our various states of communication, and to recognize the consequences of each.
The Red Light: Defensive Reactions
When the red light is on we are defensive and closed down. When we react to fear by shutting down the channel of communication, we’ve put up a defensive barrier dividing us from the world. We justify our defensiveness by holding on to unexamined opinions about how right we are. We tell ourselves that relationships are not that important. We undervalue other people and put our self-interest first. In short, our values shift to “me-first.” Closed communication patterns are controlling and mistrustful. Others become static objects only important to us if they meet our needs.
To make matters worse, when we’re closed and defensive, we feel emotionally hungry. We look to others to rescue us from aloneness. We might try to manipulate and control them to get what we need. Because these strategies never really work, we inevitably become disappointed with people. We suffer, and we cause others to suffer.
When we close down and become defensive—for a few minutes, a few days, a few months, or even a lifetime—we’re cutting ourselves off not only from others, but also from our natural ability to communicate. Mindful communication trains us to notice when we’ve stopped using our innate communication wisdom—the red light.
Openness also has the magic ingredient that enables us to fall in love, to feel empathy and courage.
The Green Light: Openness
Paying attention to our communication patterns helps us realize the value of openness. Generally, we associate open people as trustworthy, as in touch with themselves and others. But openness also has the magic ingredient that enables us to fall in love, to feel empathy and courage. When we’re open, we let go of our opinions and enter a larger mind, which gives us the power to trust our instincts.
When we’re open, we don’t see our individual needs opposing the needs of others. We experience a “we-first” state of mind, because we appreciate that our personal survival depends on the well-being of our relationships. We express this connectedness to others through open communication patterns. Open communication tunes us in to whatever is going on in the present moment, whether comfortable or not. Openness is heartfelt, willing to share the joy and pain of others. Because we’re not blocked by our own opinions, our conversations with others explore new worlds of experience. We learn, change, and expand.
The Yellow Light: In-Between
In practicing mindful communication, eventually we ask ourselves: What exactly causes me to switch from open to closed and then open again? We begin to discover the state of mind that exists in-between open and closed—symbolized by the yellow light. In-between is a place we normally don’t want to enter. We find ourselves there when the ground falls out from beneath our feet, when we feel surprised, embarrassed, disappointed—on the verge of shutting down. We might feel a sudden loss of trust, an unexpected flash of self-consciousness. Learning to hold steady and be curious at this juncture is critical to the practice of mindful conversation.
Small acts of kindness that are either shared or withheld when the yellow light is flashing can make or break a relationship.
A yellow-light transition can appear at any time. We can switch from closed to open via the yellow light, if we’re willing to enter into curiosity, or accepting that we don’t know the answer. The in-between state of mind is a critical time for bringing peace into our homes and workplaces. Small acts of kindness that are either shared or withheld when the yellow light is flashing can make or break a relationship. Once we’re in the red zone, it’s too late to engage in acts of kindness—we’re too mistrustful. I’ve seen this over and again working with couples—they reach a critical point when they can save their relationship by switching from me-first to we-first thinking. They can think about their children, pets, or anything that brings a larger picture to mind. Acts of kindness at this point shift them into a temporary mood of gratitude. Feeling gratitude makes them more interested in moving forward.
The yellow light points to those miraculous moments when we can open up, wag our tails, and play. We break the spell of our own personal agendas and awaken to genuine relationship. Such abrupt shifts seem to come out of nowhere in the middle of our most ego-crunching experiences—such as admitting that we’ve made a mistake.
A successful relationship is the result of thousands of small flashes of the yellow light, where we were able to transform disappointments and arguments into opportunities for unmasking, intimacy, and joy.
