Health Journal Online

Category: Mental Health

  • Foster Your Authentic Self With These 4 Questions

    Foster Your Authentic Self With These 4 Questions

    When we fear that we can’t think and act as we truly are, we put parts of ourselves on hold. Here’s how we can begin to let go of expectations and pressures and tend to our wants and needs with kindness.

    Key Points

    • Authenticity is linked to happiness, confidence, and better relationships with ourselves and others, but fear holds us back.
    • Inquiring into our fears about showing up as our authentic self can help us understand barriers to authenticity and how we can move past them.
    • The meditation practice of loving-kindness is one way to build self-trust and connection with our inner truth and well-being.

    Did you know that authenticity is inextricably linked to happiness? To be authentic is to feel at home in your body, accepted into a particular group, and to feel true to our sense of values. It is a kind of confidence that doesn’t come from attaining something outside of ourselves, but knowing deeply we are enough whatever our particular feelings, needs, or skills are and that we add to the greater whole of life and matter. We can be true to our authentic self—to our own personality, spirit, or character—despite external pressures.

    Authenticity is one of the most important ingredients in creating a healthy and sustainable relationship. Yet it can also be one of the most challenging to practice on a day-to-day basis. Why? the answer is simple: fear. We fear that if we showed up as we truly are—saying, doing, and feeling the real things that are going on within us without augmenting or censoring ourselves in any way—that others might disconnect from us, feel upset with us, or even leave us.

    “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are.”
    —Brené Brown,
    author and researcher

    Authenticity: The Ultimate Practice of Letting Go

    Brené Brown, who has spent the past ten years studying authenticity, writes in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are.” Choosing authenticity means:

    • cultivating the ability to be imperfect
    • allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and
    • setting boundaries.

    If we aren’t being authentic with our deeper feelings and needs, then we can’t establish healthy boundaries. (In my last post, I share tools for how to cultivate compassionate boundaries at home and work.)

    One of the things I personally practice and share with my students that enhances authenticity is to choose “discomfort over discontentment.” For example, when fear arises, it can feel uncomfortable and to avoid discomfort we can distract or push away how we really feel and what we really need—but this is ultimately never satisfying.

    There is a risk involved when we put ourselves out there personally and professionally. However, if we don’t honor our true feelings and needs, they will eventually leak out when we sometimes least expect it and cause harm to oneself and others. The more we’re connected to our authentic self, the easier it becomes to live and lead from this place.

    Authenticity in Action

    I was sitting with Amy, a student in one of my Mindful & Well-Being programs at work. We were speaking to the practice of authenticity when she shared her feelings: “I feel afraid to share something with my husband—I am afraid it will ‘ruin’ our night and he will disconnect from me. I am afraid of his reaction. So I tuck it under the rug. Then it arises again a few days later and I put it off again. Resentment builds within me and I start to feel disconnected from him. After a week, a wall begins to form between us. I start to feel less connected to myself. He asks what is wrong and notices that I feel distant. My feelings have built up so much that I explode in a fit of anger and frustration. We get into a fight. All of this could have been prevented if I had just had the courage to share what I was really feeling and needing.”

    Authenticity Practice: 4 Questions for Authenticity

    Think of a recent experience with a partner, friend, family member, or co-worker where you wanted to be your authentic self but weren’t. Imagine pausing at the height of this interaction and asking yourself the following questions:

    1. What am I afraid would happen if I shared my experience right now with this person?
    2. How will feel if I don’t share what I’m thinking and feeling?
    3. If I weren’t afraid, what would I most want to say to this person right now?
    4. How can I share this with even more vulnerability?

    I asked these questions to Amy (the student above) and these were her responses:

    1. What are you afraid would happen if you really shared your truth with your husband? That he won’t love or accept what I want to share, and this will create conflict and he will become defensive and/or distant with me.
    2. How will you feel if you don’t share this? I will become angry at myself and him for not sharing my feelings and needs. I will then likely then be aggressive or distant with him.
    3. If you weren’t afraid, what would you most want to say? I would say, “Sweetheart, I know your mother is coming out for a visit next month, but I would really prefer she only stay with us for three days instead of a whole week. I understand you have a close relationship with her, but due to our work schedules during her visits, I often feel overwhelmed by her demands on top of our full schedules. I feel the duration of her visit puts a strain on our relationship and makes it difficult to enjoy the time she is here. I feel it would be easier and more enjoyable for everyone if she spent half the time with us and half the time with your sister, or maybe there is a way that you can take some time off to spend more time with her? I don’t know what the solution is and I would like your support and welcome your input. I want to have a good visit with her and I know that is important to you too. Could we come up with a plan that works for both of us for her visit?”

    How Do We Listen to the Internal and External Pressures and Make the Right Decision?

    When we meditate, we sense the interconnectedness of all beings and can tap into what matters to us. Authenticity is an important value of mine. I grow my authenticity daily by loving myself enough to take the risk to show myself warts and all to my friends, family, clients, and the world. It can be really scary sometimes and fear often shows up right before I show my truth. Fear will say, “What if others don’t love or accept this part of me?” They may not, but no one is ever going to love or like everything about me. The consequence of not being real and genuine is that I start to live only from a few rooms in the “Carley Castle” and I put the rest of me that is bright, loud, and a little silly at times in the closet. Who wants to live life like that? I have lived this way before and it wasn’t fulfilling. So I am opening doors, closets, and sharing these authentic parts of me in skillful ways personally and professionally.

    “Loving-kindness” is defined as a well wishing for oneself and others. It also has the meaning of trusting oneself and trusting that we have what it takes to know ourselves thoroughly and completely without feeling hopeless, and most importantly, without turning against ourselves for what we see.

    The practice of loving-kindness has been a large support of mine that aids in authenticity. “Loving-kindness” is defined as a well wishing for oneself and others. It also has the meaning of trusting oneself and trusting that we have what it takes to know ourselves thoroughly and completely without feeling hopeless, and most importantly, without turning against ourselves for what we see.

    8 Ways to Be Your Authentic Self

    • Maintain alignment between what you feel and need and what you say and do.
    • Make value-based choices while taking into account intuition, research, and the bigger picture.
    • Do something each day that reflects your deepest needs, wishes, and values.
    • Speak up for yourself and ask for what you want.
    • Don’t put up with abuse of any kind.
    • Give up designing your behavior by the desire to be liked (be imperfectly perfect and yourself!)
    • State and maintain your boundaries, especially about the level of energy you can handle being around or taking in.
    • Offer your fear loving-kindness and compassion.

    Keep Learning and Growing

    A regular meditation practice facilitates and enhances authenticity. When we are mindful, we are leaning in and listening to what is true and matters in the midst of the external forces, pressures, and influences that can often times be in opposition to our internal truth and knowing.

    Another way to cultivate authenticity is setting goals for learning, which helps us experiment with our identities without feeling like impostors. We shouldn’t expect to get everything right from the start. We stop trying to protect our comfortable old selves from the threats that change can bring, and start to explore how we can lead our lives from greater authenticity, power, and well-being.



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  • A “Just Like Me” Practice to Expand Your Circle of Compassion: 12 Minute Meditation

    A “Just Like Me” Practice to Expand Your Circle of Compassion: 12 Minute Meditation

    The invitation with this practice is to put aside ideas and concepts about differences, shame, fear, survival, and the rest, and to simply see if you can begin to develop a felt sense of common humanity. What you are tapping into here is the awareness that all of us wish for happiness and freedom from suffering, that this too is a part of our common humanity.

    A “Just Like Me” Practice to Expand Your Circle of Compassion

    This meditation is inspired by the writing and teaching of Thupten Jinpa in his book A Fearless Heart: How the courage to be compassionate can transform our lives.

    1. Take some time to settle into your body for a few minutes, allowing your attention to drop inside. Take note of whatever is present in the way of sensation inside your body. You may notice the touch of clothing, the pressure of the supporting surface on certain parts of your body, or just sensations of coolness or warmth, relaxation or tension, ease or discomfort. Take note of where and how you are in this moment. You may notice the movement of breath into and out of the body as well, recognizing that the breath has continued to move on its own since you last attended to it.
    2. Imagine someone whom you hold dear, someone who brings a smile to your face when you think of them, someone with whom you have a relatively easy and uncomplicated relationship. This may be a family member like a child, a grandparent, or even a pet. Try to go beyond the idea of this being and see if you can actually feel what it feels like to be in their presence.
    3. Notice any pleasant feelings that may arise as you hold this beloved being in your awareness and see how easy it is to acknowledge that they, too, have the same aspiration for genuine happiness that you have.
    4. Now call to mind someone else, someone that you recognize but don’t have much meaningful interaction with and don’t feel any particular closeness to. This may be a person whom you see quite often, on the street, behind the counter at your favorite coffee shop, or driving the bus you take regularly. Notice what feelings arise for you as you picture this person and how these feelings may be different from what you felt in regard to the loved one you imagined first.
    5. See if you can imagine what it might be like to be this person. Usually, we don’t give much thought to the happiness of people in neutral roles in our lives like this. Imagine their life, their hopes and fears, which are every bit as real, complex, and challenging as yours. You may even recognize a certain similarity between yourself and this other person at the level of your common humanity. “Just like me, she wishes to be happy and to avoid even the slightest suffering.”
    6. Next, take some time to see if you can call to mind someone you don’t know at all, and who seems very much unlike you at first glance. Perhaps an image comes to mind from the news or in your imagination or from your previous travels. Maybe consider someone facing hardships far different from your own right now. Perhaps you might call to mind someone who doesn’t look like you . . . or someone who has an entirely different cultural background or life circumstances. You may find yourself thinking just now of people suffering through war or resisting tyranny anywhere on the globe.
    7. Take the time to see if you can look past the differences to what you have in common with this person or these people. Imagine looking into their eyes, sitting with them in meditation, feeling just a little of the joy and pain and sorrow and fear that they may experience . . . simply because they are human, just like you. 
    8. See if you can put yourself in this person’s shoes for a moment, recognizing that they are an object of deep concern to someone, a parent or a spouse, a child or a dear friend of someone. Begin to acknowledge that even this person who seems so different has the same fundamental aspiration for happiness that you have. Allow your attention to stay with this awareness for some period of time (say 20 to 30 seconds). Allow thoughts and feelings to come and go as they will, as you remain present to whatever arises, with no other agenda but to observe and be kind to yourself in that presence.
    9. Finally, see if you can bring together these three people in one mental picture in front of you. Take some time to reflect on the fact that they all share a basic yearning to be happy and free from suffering. At this dimension, there is no difference between these three people. In this fundamental aspect, they are exactly the same. Just take the time to relate to these three beings from that perspective, from the point of view that they share the aspiration for happiness and a kind of perfect imperfection.
    10.  Now include yourself in this circle of awareness, reminding yourself that:
      These people have feelings, thoughts, and emotions, just like me.
      These people, during their lives, have experienced physical and emotional pain and suffering, just like me. These people have been sad, disappointed, angry or worried, just like me.
      These people have felt unworthy or inadequate at times, just like me. These people have longed for connection, purpose, and belonging, just like me.
      These people want to be happy and free from pain and suffering, just like me. These people want to be loved, just like me.
    11. With this deep recognition that the desires to be happy and to overcome suffering are common to all, silently repeat this phrase: “Just like me, all others aspire to happiness and want to overcome suffering.”
    12. Take some time to sit with whatever wishes or feelings arise from this practice, allowing them to arise and fall away. Your only agenda is to notice and take note of their arising.

    Adapted from Self-Compassion for Dummies by Steven Hickman. 



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  • A Guided Meditation for Collective Healing

    A Guided Meditation for Collective Healing

    In this guided practice, we cultivate collective healing amidst the ways we are all shaped by our experiences, fears, and hopes.

    Key Points:

    • The mindful practice of deeper understanding can help us when we seek to find common ground with people who seem different from ourselves.
    • This meditation helps us to see that we are all shaped by our experiences, fears, and hopes, despite our differences.
    • By reflecting on our experiences and shared humanity, we can better understand others and take meaningful action for collective healing.

    In today’s interconnected yet paradoxically divided world, the path to understanding each other requires more than just good intentions. To truly connect and heal, we need something more: the cultivation of a deeper understanding. The path forward isn’t about eliminating differences—it’s about building bridges of understanding across them.

    In this gentle yet powerful meditation with Shalini Bahl, we experience how we are all shaped by our experiences, fears, and hopes. Deep understanding is like diving below the illuminated surface to deeper waters. By understanding both what floats on the surface and what lies in the depths, we can begin to shift our habitual patterns and make choices that arise from genuine wisdom rather than reactive impulses.

    A Meditation for Collective Healing

    1. In today’s practice, we’ll move through three steps. One, returning to a non-judging awareness; two, listening for deeper understanding; and three, beginning to take mindful action. 
    2. Let’s start by taking a few minutes to simply pause and return to our non-judging awareness. Come to a comfortable sitting position, feeling the elongation along the back of the spine. Gently lift your shoulders up, back, and down, so that the breath can move at ease. Feel the support under your feet. 
    3. You may lower or close your eyes. Bring your attention to your breath. Notice how it moves in and out of your body effortlessly. If it’s deep, let it be deep. If it’s shallow, let it be shallow. Simply invite your mind to be here with your breath and your body. If you like, let your attention rest in the region of your heart, feeling the spaciousness in your chest with each in-breath, and a gentle release with each outbreath. 
    4. Gently bring to mind the situation causing tension or conflict. See it clearly as if watching from a slight distance. Notice what arises in your body. Perhaps there’s tightness in your chest or belly, or your breath becomes shallow. Notice with kindness that all the sensations are rising and dissolving in your body, and make room for all your sensations, all the emotions. Whether it’s grief or anger, frustration, sadness—notice with kindness, without trying to fix or suppress anything. 
    5. Now, notice what thoughts are underlying these emotions. See the people involved, their expressions or words or tone of voice. Feel this spaciousness in your mind, like a vast sky where all the thoughts arising are passing by like clouds. 
    6. Once you feel a little more space in your mind and your body, you can move to the next step: listening deeply. Set an intention to understand not just our experience and needs, but also extending that same understanding toward others involved. 
    7. If you need some support getting into this posture of deep listening, here are some questions you can explore. If you need a little more time, you can always pause the recording or try some journaling. Begin with, What are your core needs in this situation? Perhaps you long for safety, acknowledgment, a healthy environment, respect for your values. 
    8. Next, connect with our shared humanity with others. Silently reflect, Just like me, this person wants to be happy and healthy. Just like me, this person also cares for their family. Continue on your own with your shared similarities with this person or people. Just like me…. 
    9. From this place of connection, seek to understand what lived experiences might be shaping their current stance or actions. What assumptions or beliefs are you bringing to this situation? 
    10. Continue to breathe deeply to create more space in your mind and body. Breathe out any rigidity or tension you may be holding. What else might be possible here? No need to search or strive for answers, just trusting our intention for a deeper understanding and seeing our shared humanity, knowing we will be guided to clarity with this inner compass. 
    11. Feel free to pause this recording to go for a mindful walk in nature or do some journaling to create room for a deeper understanding. As clarity emerges, you may notice a release of tension. It might be a very subtle shift in our body or your breath becoming deeper or easier. 
    12. From this place of connection with your intention and insights, you can move to the last step: considering possibilities for intentional, mindful action. These are small steps you can take to create more understanding and harmony in this situation. Let this intentional approach extend beyond this specific situation. For example, how might your choices around consumption—what you put into your body, how you source things—all support a mind and body guided by your intention and values?
    13. Remember, you can return to this practice whenever you need, using these three steps: return to your non-judging awareness, listen for deeper understanding, and begin to take aligned actions. Let’s take a final breath together. As we exhale slowly, may this practice benefit us and benefit all beings.



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  • Self-Care Is an Act of Resistance

    Self-Care Is an Act of Resistance

    Grass-roots meditation activist Shelly Tygielski offers 3 ways to practice self-care so we can recharge, refresh, and rewire for action.

    This article was originally published in November, 2018.

    The day after the 2018 US midterms, after a bitter election season with hard-fought victories, severely-close losses, and some horrific violence in its wake, I found myself thinking back to a program I put together for the Women’s Convention the previous October in Detroit for thousands of impassioned, powerful women. We were all embarking on a journey we knew would be long and hard.

    I called my talk Self-Care Is an Act of Resistance: Shifting the Fight-or-Flight Response to Empathy-or-Action Response and here’s why.

    The main idea is that neither “fighting” nor “fleeing” are sustainable. More than that, they are responses we can move away from, we can evolve beyond. We often hear that our brains are hard-wired for fight-or-flight, that “we evolved this way,” but we know now that we continue to evolve. Our brains can be rewired.

    How can we evolve beyond fight-or-flight? By choosing to move towards two new responses: empathy and action. And I believe this starts with self-care.

    The Power of Empathy and Action

    I woke up the morning after the election to find over 100 messages in my inbox and via text with such a tone of despair. We had all worked hard, but so much more work remains.

    I started to respond, one by one, to the messages reminding everyone that they have PERMISSION to feel this way. It is okay to cry. To be sad. Disappointed. Tired. And in order to not add a secondary layer of emotion to everything we’re feeling— namely, guilt—we all have permission to pause, to reset, to breathe.

    It may feel inappropriate to take time to rest, or to seek out pleasure, or even indulge in some positivity in the midst of our heated social, political, and environmental climate. But I want you all to know that it’s crucial for us to acknowledge the importance of our own self-care and to act upon it. Self-care is not frivolous; self-care is a radical act of love.

    Yes, there is still work to be done. A lot of work to be done. But we don’t need to do it today. Today we can rest. Tomorrow we can rest. And then the next day and the next. We can pre-game for the holidays and think about all that we have to be grateful for, personally, and collectively. And then, those who are ready can rise up, dust off, unravel and lift up the rest of us.

    Self-care is a movement in and of itself.

    It’s a movement of love amidst defeat, of kindness in the face of loss as well as victory. It’s declaring yourself as self-deserving of emotional agency. Self-care is an act of resistance.

    Here are 3 ways to practice self-care today:

    1. Allow yourself to (finally) unplug from the news and social media for a few days. Turn off your alerts and push motivations, turn off the TV and don’t access social media. If you must access it for work or otherwise, limit your time and do not engage or comment on posts. It’s not forever—it’s a few days of peace and being off the grid. 
    2. Recognize when you are in need of self-care and then respond to that need. Sometimes taking time for self-care may impact the lives of those around you (for example, you need to take the day off from work or ask for someone to watch the kids). Inform those around you that you are responding to a personal need but do not feel the need to ask for permission. 
    3.  Have a self-care checklist ready that has dozens of options tailored just for you.  These self-care options can range from scheduling a mid-day call with a friend to drawing a bubble bath. Having this list ready is important because when you are on the verge of burnout, you may not have the capacity to come up with the options in that moment.



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  • A 12-Minute Meditation to Meet Difficult Emotions With Compassion

    A 12-Minute Meditation to Meet Difficult Emotions With Compassion

    This guided meditation is a simple practice to help us navigate the ups and downs of everyday life challenges with a kind and open heart.

    Often when we’re struggling with challenging situations or emotions, the things that feel the most supportive aren’t complex techniques, but just simple, down-to-earth practices.

    In this podcast episode, teacher and leadership trainer Carley Hauck introduces a practice for working with difficult emotions that’s all about noticing the body and visualizing the support, care, and wisdom to stay present to the right-now experience. In a world that feels increasingly complex and uncertain, Carley’s guidance is like a gentle hand on the back, encouraging us to slow down and find calm amidst the chaos. She shows us how to face life’s challenges with a kind and open heart, reminding us that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes.

    A Guided Meditation for Working With Difficult Emotions

    1. For this meditation, allow yourself to come into a comfortable sitting position. Feel your feet firmly planted on the floor. Notice your posture as you’re sitting. Allow your shoulders and your upper back to relax. 
    2. Begin to notice the rhythm of your breath as you breathe in and out. It may even be helpful to place one hand on your lower abdomen. And as you breathe in, you feel the stomach rise. And as you breathe out, you feel the stomach fall. 
    3. Start to notice the slowing down of your heart rate, of your blood pressure, allowing you to fully be here in this present moment. 
    4. Bring to mind a situation that occurred recently where you felt sadness or disappointment. It doesn’t need to be the most difficult experience, but just something moderately difficult so that you can practice. It may even be something that hasn’t happened yet, but that you are feeling sad, disappointed, or anxious about. 
    5. Turn your attention to the physical body. As you’re reflecting on this situation of sadness, what do you feel in the body right now? Is there tightness or tension behind the eyes? Is there a heaviness in the shoulders or your head? What are you aware of right now?
    6. With a compassionate curiosity, turn towards your experience. Everything is welcome right now. 
    7. If you find it difficult to be with what’s arising, that’s okay. Use the breath as a stabilizer, helping you to fully be here to whatever is arising and passing in the mind and the body and the heart. It might also help to name the feelings that are here for you, like sadness, loss, or disappointment. 
    8. If this feels comfortable for you, allow yourself to imagine a wise and loving figure who is cradling you. They have enveloped you with strong and loving arms. And they’re stroking your head and repeating, “It’s okay. I am here for you.” Let yourself take that in. Receive the support.
    9. If there’s anything else that you need to hear to really feel supported right now, allow that to come into your awareness. What words or gestures would feel most comforting and helpful? 
    10. Notice what’s happening in your physical body as you receive this support. Is there heaviness? Is there peace? Acceptance?
    11. When you’re feeling ready, you can thank this loving figure for its support and presence. You are centered, strong, resilient. And you are ready to meet the day. 
    12. When you feel ready, allow yourself to slowly transition back into your day—slowly open your eyes, feel your feet on the floor, notice your surroundings. Thank you for your practice today.

    Never Miss a Meditation

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  • 5 Guided Meditations to Investigate Panic and Anxiety

    5 Guided Meditations to Investigate Panic and Anxiety

    Explore these five guided meditations for softening feelings of anxiousness and calming panic.

    Unprecedented, uncertain—these are terms we’ve heard used in excess over the past few years. But no matter how tiring uncertainty may be, one thing remains true: We’ve all had to adapt to changing circumstances the best we can and as fast as we can. One thing we know is that mindfulness can help. If you’re finding yourself overwhelmed, here are five guided meditations worth following to ease anxiety and calm panic. 

    5 Guided Meditations for Panic and Anxiety

    1. A Meditation for Investigating Panic Attacks

    1. First, congratulate yourself that you are dedicating some precious time for meditation.
    2. Become aware of your body and mind and whatever you are carrying within you. Perhaps there are feelings from the day’s events or whatever has been going on recently.
    3. May you simply allow and acknowledge whatever is within you and let it be, without any form of analysis.
    4. Gradually, shift the focus of awareness to the breath, breathing normally and naturally. As you breathe in, be aware of breathing in, and as you breathe out, be aware of breathing out.
    5. Awareness can be focused at either the tip of the nose or the abdomen, depending on your preference. If focusing at the tip of the nose, feel the touch of the air as you breathe in and out… If focusing on the abdomen, feel the belly expanding on an inhalation and contracting on an exhalation.
    6. Breathing in, breathing out, experiencing each breath appearing and disappearing. Just breathing. And now gently withdraw awareness from the breath and shift to mindful inquiry.
    7. Mindful inquiry is an investigation into emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations that are driving your panic, anxieties, and fears, often beneath the surface of your awareness. There is a special and unique way of doing this practice that can foster the potential for deep understanding and insight.
    8. When you practice mindful inquiry, gently direct your attention into the bodily feeling of panic or fear itself. Allow yourself to bring nonjudgmental awareness into the experience of it, acknowledging whatever it feels like in the body and mind and letting it be.
    9. To begin this exploration you need to first check in with yourself and determine whether it feels safe or not. If you don’t feel safe, perhaps it is better to wait and try another time, and just stay with your breathing for now.
    10. If you are feeling safe, then bring awareness into the body and mind and allow yourself to acknowledge any physical sensations, emotions, or thoughts. Then, just let them be…without trying to analyze or figure them out.
    11. You may discover that within these feelings there’s a multitude of thoughts, emotions, or old memories that are fueling your fears. When you begin to acknowledge what has not been acknowledged, the pathway of insight and understanding may arise. As you turn toward your emotions, they may show you what you are panicked, worried, mad, sad, or bewildered about.
    12. You may learn that the very resistance to unacknowledged emotions often causes more panic or fear and that learning to go with it, rather than fighting it, often diminishes them. When we say “go with it,” we mean that you allow and acknowledge whatever is within the mind and body. Just letting the waves of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations go wherever they need to go just like the sky makes room for any weather.
    13. Now gently return to the breath, being mindful of breathing in and out…riding the waves of the breath.
    14. As you come to the end of this meditation, take a moment to congratulate yourself and take a moment to appreciate the safety and ease you may be feeling right now that you can bring into your day. By acknowledging your fears, you may open the possibility for deeper understanding, compassion, and peace. Before you get up, gently wiggle your fingers and toes and gradually open your eyes, being fully aware here and now.
    15. Send some loving-kindness your way. May I dwell in peace. May all beings dwell in peace.

    2. A Meditation to Create Space Between You and Your Anxiety

    1. When you’re ready, come into a comfortable seated position. Let’s take some breaths here. Find your ground by feeling your feet on the floor beneath you. Feel your body touching the chair or cushion you’re on. Really allow yourself to settle into this: Feel gravity, and release your weight toward gravity. Let’s take a few deeper breaths now. If you are already feeling anxious, it can be helpful to really extend the exhale. Take a nice, long inhale, then very much emphasize the exhale.
    2. Explore how you’re feeling right now. If you’re feeling anxious right now, it’s a great opportunity to practice. But if not, bring to mind a time recently when you felt some kind of fear, anxiety, worry, or agitation. Recall the situation or conversation. Just remember that event, and as you do, you might start to notice anxious thoughts emerging in your mind. You might also start to notice some related sensations in your body.
    3. Open your attention wide. Before we turn toward the anxiety more fully, let’s first open our attention wide. Here’s where we can use A.W.E. (And What Else?) Just notice. You may be feeling anxiety right now, but let’s direct our attention away from that and actively explore our senses.
    4. Open your eyes and look around. If your eyes are closed, I invite you to open them to look around the space you’re in. Simply orient yourself. And now notice three things that you see in the space around you. They can be very neutral or even pleasant things—flowers, an image. Simply describe them to yourself in your mind: the colours, shapes, forms.
    5. Turn your attention to the sounds around you. Once you’ve noticed three things visually and described them to yourself, turn your attention to hearing. Allow your attention to settle on the sounds around you. Listen for three different sounds; they can be near or far. Emphasize pleasant or neutral sounds. And, again, describe them to yourself: notice the vibration, the tone, how they arise and then pass. 
    6. Now, let’s turn our attention to taste. This might be a little more challenging, but just notice: Can you detect any flavour in your mouth? Maybe something you ate before starting this practice? Toothpaste? Just notice what it’s like to taste.
    7. Now, turn your attention to your sense of smell. You might take in a deeper breath here. Just notice: Can you detect any scent in the space around you? Notice how they can shift and change with each breath.
    8. And finally, let’s move to the sense of touch. Beginning on the outer surface of our skin, feel the contact with the chair or the ground. If your hands are touching or resting against your body, just feel that sensation. It’s very simple: What do you notice when you turn your attention toward your hands touching? Feel the contact of your clothes with your body. Feel the temperature of the air on your skin. What can you notice?
    9. If you have the energy and some space now, turn your attention toward the felt sense of anxiety. If you feel the need for more space at any time, simply keep turning your attention outward: the sounds, the sights—wherever it feels calming and grounding for you to attend in your senses. When you do feel ready to explore, turn your attention to the felt sense: How do you notice anxiety? Where do you feel it in your body? Take a breath and notice where you feel it. Maybe it’s in your belly? See if you can notice the details, too: Is it throbbing or tingling? What’s the energy like? Within the sensation of anxiety, does it feel like there’s a lot of movement? Does it shift and change as you pay attention to it?
    10. Can you gently relax around the feeling of anxiety or fear? Think of the rest of your body holding this feeling with a lot of care. Pay close attention, explore, be curious: How does anxiety show up? How is it shifting? If at any point it becomes overwhelming or you get lost in thinking and find you’re unable to stay with the sensations, simply go to And What Else: Notice the sights around you. Notice the sounds. Feel the ground.
    11. If you are able to pay attention to this sense of anxiety, simply noticing it, let’s drop in a question. Staying with the felt sense of this fear, anxiety, worry, or agitation, just ask: What do you need? What do you want me to know? What are you trying to offer me? Just see what answers, images, words arise here. We’re asking ourselves here: What do I need?
    12. As we close out the meditation, see if you can commit to doing something to address that need you’ve identified. Alternatively, simply remember the information that has arisen for you during this practice. And now, if you’re ready, take a few deeper breaths. Soften your body slightly. Feel the seat under you, the ground under you.

    3. A Meditation for Working with Anxiety

    1. To begin, sit in a way that is relaxed, and take a moment to adjust your posture on your seat to one that’s more comfortable. Feel your body in contact with the surface beneath you. 
    2. Allow yourself to experience whatever is present right now. Whatever bodily feelings, mood, emotions, mind states, and thoughts are present. You might take a few deeper breaths to invite the body and the mind to relax and settle. Take a nice full deep in-breath, relaxing, releasing, and letting go on the out-breath. Breathe in, and fill the chest and the lungs with the in-breath. Release and let go on the out-breath. 
    3. As you breathe in, you might invite in a quality of calm. You could repeat the word calm silently to yourself as you breathe in, and then again as you breathe out. Breathe in, calm the body, breathe out, calm the mind. 
    4. When you’re ready, let the breath settle into its natural rhythm, allowing it to be just as it is. Breathe in, breathe out. 
    5. You might invite a smile to the corners of your eyes and the corners of your mouth; a smile sends a message to our brain and to our nervous system that we’re safe and don’t have to be hyper-vigilant. Smiling invites us to relax, and be at ease.
    6. While sitting in a way that is relaxed and alert, you might bring to your mind a situation that is a source of anxiety or stress for you. It might be a work situation, family, health, finances, or it might be a combination of factors. Allow yourself to take in all the feelings, sensations, and emotions, and the overall sense of this situation, in the body and in the mind. Choose not to follow scenarios in your mind about what might happen or things that might go badly, and simply observe your thoughts and let them go. Be open to whatever bodily sensations are present with kindness and acceptance. There might be contraction, heat, tightness, tingling, or pulsing. Whatever is present, say yes to what you’re feeling. Be open to these feelings and let them come and go. Bring a kind awareness to whatever emotions are present, and allow yourself to feel them fully; they might be fear, worry, anxiety, or sadness, to name a few. Let these feelings be as big as they want to be, and say yes to all that you’re feeling. Let your awareness and kind attention hold whatever is present, whatever is arising for you in the body, heart, and mind. Bring interest to the changing flow of experience, letting everything stay for a period of time, and then pass on their own time. Meet it all with kindness, acceptance, and interest. 
    7. If anxious thoughts arise like, “This will never go away” or, “I’ll never be able to do everything I have to do,” meet these thoughts with kindness and care. Without identifying with them or treating them as true, let the thoughts come and go. Continue to open to your experience in this way, meeting your experience with kindness and care. If it’s challenging, acknowledge that it is difficult. You could put a hand on your heart and wish yourself well, if this is helpful. 
    8. Think to yourself, “May I be happy, and may I live with ease.” Take a nice deep full in-breath, letting go on the out-breath. Hold your experience with kindness and with care. 
    9. Bring awareness to any emotion that may be present, perhaps underneath the feelings. Maybe there’s fear that the sadness, grief, or worry will continue. See if you can say yes to the emotion. Meet your emotions with kindness and care, and notice how they too shift and change if you can open to them. 
    10. If a sensation or an emotion gives rise to an urge or an impulse to do something negative, like eat something unhealthy, take a drink, or take a drug, see if you can stay with that energy. See that this too comes and stays for a while, and then passes. If it’s helpful you could imagine it as like a wave coming along. Maybe there’s a strong energy, and the wave crests. But if you stay with it with awareness and with kindness, perhaps those feelings pass for a while, and then there’s calm. Be open to the thoughts or narratives that come up in your mind; they might be “This is too much,” or “I need to do something to deal with this pain or difficult feeling,” and invite yourself to stay with the direct experience. 
    11. If the pain, discomfort, difficult emotion, or difficult feeling seems like it’s too intense, see if you can bring your awareness to another part of your experience. Perhaps an area of your body that feels more neutral, such as your hands, or your feet, or your seat, or something in your life that you’re happy about or grateful for. Let your awareness rest on a more pleasant or neutral experience for a time. When you feel ready, let your attention move back to the bodily feelings, and be open again to your experience, riding whatever waves arise. 
    12. Stay as close to your direct experience as you can, and bring a kind awareness to the thoughts and stories that surround the pain, stress, or difficult emotion. Choose not to identify with the thoughts but just acknowledge them as thoughts. Let them come and go in their own time with kindness. 
    13. Sit quietly for a couple of minutes, and be open to the changing flow of experience, recognizing how mindfulness can help us open up to and untangle ourselves from painful thoughts, stress, worry, anxiety, and the patterns of behavior that tend to go with those feelings, emotions, and mental states.

    4. A Meditation to Sit With Difficult Emotions

    1. Come into a comfortable sitting position. Imagine something difficult that you are going through. It doesn’t have to be the most difficult, but something moderately difficult. We want to practice with moderation before we move into the most difficult. Now, recognize your desire to push away the difficulty, to reach toward something that would soothe the difficulty in the moment (reaching out to someone, chocolate, distracting with technology, etc.), or denying that this difficulty is actually happening.
    2. Now turn toward it. Breathe deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth a few times. Now invite into your awareness a large figure of compassion and strength who envelops you in a blanket of love, acceptance, and security. It can be a big cloud of compassion, a large grandmotherly figure, anything that feels loving and kind. Now, imagine this figure is holding you.
    3. Turn fully toward your difficulty. Face it, head on. There is no need to be scared. Feel this wise being enveloping you and speaking kindly to you: “It will be okay, you are okay, you are lovable, you are enough, you are not alone, and we will get through this together.” Let yourself offer and receive loving and kind statements as many times as you need until your mind and body can soothe and slow down.
    4. Each time, you notice yourself reaching for the old familiar way of turning away from discomfort, try gently turning toward it. The more you train the mind to acknowledge and name whatever difficulty is here, it won’t feel so challenging. In addition, your limbic system and specifically your amygdala will send a signal to your sympathetic nervous system that you can physiologically relax.

    5. A Meditation to Explore Anxious Feelings

    1. Begin with a brief mindful check-in, taking a few minutes to acknowledge how you’re currently feeling in your body and mind…being mindful of whatever is in your awareness and letting it all be. There’s nothing that needs to be fixed, analyzed, or solved. Just allow your experience and let it be. Being present.
    2. Now gently shift your attention to the breath, becoming mindful of breathing in and out. Bring awareness to wherever you feel the breath most prominently and distinctly, perhaps at your nose, in your chest, or in your belly, or perhaps somewhere else. There’s no other place you need to go…nothing else you need to do…just being mindful of your breath flowing in and out. If your mind wanders away from the breath, just acknowledge wherever it went, then return to being mindful of breathing in and out.
    3. Reflect on a specific experience of anxiety, perhaps something recent so you can remember it more clearly. It doesn’t have to be an extreme experience of anxiety, perhaps something that you’d rate at 5 or 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. Recall the experience in detail, as vividly as you can, invoking some of that anxiety now, in the present moment.
    4. As you imagine the experience and sense into it, be mindful of how the anxiety feels in your body and stay present with the sensations. Your only job right now is to feel and acknowledge whatever physical sensations you’re experiencing in your body and let them be. There’s no need to change them. Let the sensations run their course, just like a ripple on a lake is gradually assimilated into the entirety of the body of water.
    5. Now feel into any emotions that emerge…anxiety, fear, sadness, anger, confusion…whatever you may feel. As with physical sensations, just acknowledge how these emotions feel and let them be. There’s no need to analyze them or figure them out
    6. If strong emotions don’t arise, this doesn’t mean you aren’t doing this meditation correctly. The practice is simply to acknowledge whatever is in your direct experience and let it be. Whatever comes up in the practice is the practice.
    7. Bringing awareness to your anxiety may sometimes amplify your anxious feelings. This is normal, and the intensity will subside as you open to and acknowledge what you’re experiencing and give it space to simply be.
    8. Continue feeling into the anxiety, just allowing any feelings in the body and mind and letting them be, cultivating balance and the fortitude to be with things as they are. The very fact that you’re acknowledging anxiety rather than turning away from it is healing.
    9. As you continue to acknowledge your physical sensations and emotions, they may begin to reveal a host of memories, thoughts, feelings, and physical experiences that may have created limiting definitions of who you think you are. You may begin to see more clearly into how these old patterns of conditioning have driven your anxiety. This understanding can set you free—freer than you ever felt possible.
    10. Now gradually transition back to the breath, breathing mindfully in and out… Next, slowly shift your awareness from your breath to sensing into your heart. Take some time to open into your heart with self-compassion, acknowledging your courage in engaging with your anxiety. In this way, your anxiety can become your teacher, helping you open your heart to greater wisdom, compassion, and ease within your being.
    11. As you’re ready to end this meditation, congratulate yourself for taking this time to meditate and heal yourself. Then gradually open your eyes and return to being present in the environment around you. May we all find the gateways into our hearts and be free.



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  • Find Stability Amid Change With A 12-Minute Meditation

    Find Stability Amid Change With A 12-Minute Meditation

    In this meditation on impermanence, Aden Van Noppen reminds us that when the outside world feels overwhelming, we can often find inner calm by coming back to the breath.

    We live in a world of constant change and this week, Aden Van Noppen invites us to find what roots us. Aden is the founder and executive director of Mobius, a collaboration between leading neuroscientists, meditation teachers, and technologists to work toward the creation of digital technology that enhances our individual and collective well-being. Aden is also one of the 10 powerful women of the mindfulness movement 2022, and here she guides a meditation on impermanence. 

    A 12-Minute Meditation to Find Stability Amid Change

    1. Let’s begin with a little grounding. Gently move your attention to the place where you are most rooted to the Earth. Whether that’s the bottom of your feet or where your body rests on a chair or a cushion, take a moment to just rest your attention there. Feeling the rootedness. Feeling the ground, the floor, the chair, the cushion holding you, holding your weight, grounding you. 
    2. Gently move your attention toward your breath. Take a relaxed breath, feeling the in- and out-breath like a wave. A wave of breath in and the wave as it moves out with your breath out. And just like the quality of a wave, it’s washing over you and through you. You don’t have to control it. In and out, without controlling it. 
    3. And just like a wave, no two breaths are the same. And just like every moment, no two moments are the same. Let this breath be a reminder of impermanence. As you breathe in, you can gently say to yourself, “This breath.” Each moment, each breath is a chance to begin again. “This breath.” Just like a wave. 
    4. As you take in your next breath, imagine the feeling of soaking up the nutrients of that breath, the life force of that breath, and with your out-breath, letting go. In—”Soaking up.” Out—”Letting go.” “Soaking up. Letting go.” Just as we do over and over in our lives. “Soaking up. Letting go. “ And combining them: “This breath. Letting go.” 
    5. As we transition to close this meditation, gently move your attention away from the wave of your breath and back to the rootedness of your seat, of your feet, wherever your weight is held most by the ground. 
    6. Even with the constant change, the moving in, the moving out, we always have this rootedness. It is always available to us, to remind us that we are held amid the change in our lives moment to moment. 
    7. When you’re ready, you can bring your attention back into the room and gently open your eyes. Thank you for sitting with me.  

    Never Miss a Meditation

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  • A 12-Minute Meditation for Honoring Our Connection to Ourselves and Others

    A 12-Minute Meditation for Honoring Our Connection to Ourselves and Others

    A guided meditation to begin making space for healing political polarization, racial strife, and social disconnect.

    This racial healing meditation emphasizes interconnection, honoring our connection to self in order to honor our connection to others. Acknowledging our interconnection, we can create space for healing political polarization, racial strife, and really any kind of disconnection in our lives.

    Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be.” This is the interrelated structure of reality. Let us just be with that for a moment. This is such an interconnected reliance.

    “I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be.”

    Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

    Many people feel like the answer to a more equitable and inclusive society is to be kind and treat everyone the same. As you consider your own journey of racial healing and interconnection, hopefully you come to realize kindness and awareness are important, but not enough. There is inner work that is essential. 

    The journey of racial healing gently opens your eyes to the initial work, the work of self-transformation as key to becoming a culturally inclusive and connected person. In our time together today, we begin to take the first steps to embracing interconnection.

    A Guided Meditation for Interconnection

    1. I invite you to sit comfortably yet with reverent alertness, lengthening the spine if you choose. The body is not trying too hard. We’re just sitting like a majestic mountain. A formed presence, but not working hard at it. I invite you to gaze down or close your eyes.

    2. And now I like to give this signal to my body and mind. Now that I’ve settled in, I’m about to do this. What we’re about to open up to is more of ourselves in this moment, with full curiosity, non-judgment, and deep self-compassion. I do this by taking three deep breaths. Please take three deep breaths at a pace that feels good for you. And then just settle into breathing at a pace that feels good and supportive. Finding your own rhythm of your in-breaths and your out-breaths. Let us just be here for about one minute of silence, staying anchored and aware of our breath.

    3. Now, I invite you to imagine a world where every being is connected to love. And because of this connection, not a single being would ever hurt another. And let us recognize that this world begins with us. With our willingness to connect and see, recognize value, and honor our interconnection. Continue to imagine for a moment what it would be like to live in a world where everyone freely and equally shared a deep connection to one another. Let us begin to create this, starting with ourselves. Let us just take a moment to continue to anchor to our own breath and the imagining of a world where we are connected to everyone.

    4. And now I invite you to picture someone who is racially different than you. And we know that race is a socialized construct, yet it is also one that we are working to heal from. So imagine someone who was racially different than you. Whether you feel connected to this person or not, whether you know them personally or not. Just picture someone who is racially different than you. 

    5. And as you picture them, I invite you to repeat these words to yourself, silently or out loud, whichever feels comfortable to you. These phrases are inspired by fellow meditator Melanie Cerdan. We will have some moments of silence in between the phrases, to allow the feelings to settle into our consciousness and our bodies. And let’s just take a moment. Connecting with this person who we’re visualizing. We offer the phrases: “I am open to connect with you. And I am grateful for your openness to connect with me. May the love in me connect with the love in you. I am present and I honor your presence. I am light and I honor your light. I am a unique human being and I honor that you are a unique human being. I am grateful and I honor that you are grateful.”

    6. Thank this person for exchanging this connection with you. Notice how you’re feeling in this moment. What emotions are present? What does it feel like in your body to have connected in this way? Just noticing. Not marking any feelings, emotions, thoughts as right or wrong, just simply being in the open awareness of what is present for you in this moment. 

    7. As we close, let us anchor to a powerful quote by Dr. Harriet Lerner. “Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.” May we see all others as being happy and connected. As we send this wish out into the world, may we appreciate it coming back to us. 

    8. I invite you to bring your attention back into your body. Back into your current location. Bringing our full awareness to being interconnected. May we move about being connected to others and every living being. Thank you for practicing with me today.



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  • A Guided Meditation to Set Your Intentions for the New Year

    A Guided Meditation to Set Your Intentions for the New Year

    Skip the resolutions this year. Set a different tone by cultivating your intentions for the new year with this mindful practice.

    While many of us take stock at the end of a year, set goals, or make new plans for the upcoming year, that sense of letting go of what we’re caught up in and the habits we’ve been living through are a part of our everyday mindfulness practice. Each time we sit for a few minutes, there’s an opportunity to let go of wherever our minds, attention, and awareness have gotten caught up in, come back, and realign ourselves with our best intentions and efforts. 

    It might be a sense of bringing full awareness and attention to our experience, to the people around us, to a conversation with our children. It might be a sense of letting go of reactivity and coming back to resolve with more patience and clarity. It might also be balancing the tendency most of us have to get caught up in stress and giving more attention to gratefulness, positive moments, and things we enjoy. Or it might be a sense of wanting to bring more kindness and compassion to how we treat ourselves, how we treat others, or even how we treat the people we find difficult in our lives. All of that can be cultivated, sustained, and developed through any amount of time we spend in our mindfulness practice. 

    A Guided Meditation to Set Your Intentions for the New Year

    1. Find a comfortable posture. Dropping your gaze or shutting your eyes, notice the physical movement your body makes with each breath. You might notice your belly, your chest, or perhaps the air moving in and out of your nose and mouth. 
    2. Check in with your effort and intention. What is it you’d like to bring to the practice today? Perhaps it’s an opportunity to settle and gather your attention or a sense of resolve and strength. Of course, you might have the intention to simply show up to this practice without adding any sense of stress or strain. 
    3. Bring that sense of intention and awareness to your practice today. One way to do that can be within each in-breath, developing a sense of open awareness. 
    4. With each out-breath, come up with a word that captures your intentions for yourself. Breathe in with awareness and maybe picture something or feel gratitude toward whatever feels appropriate to you right now. Breathe out with your intentions for this moment. 
    5. You might lose touch with your intentions throughout the practice and in life—you can come back again. If you lose touch with the practice and your mind gets caught up in distraction or reactivity or some sense of discomfort, that’s normal. That’s all part of the practice. Try coming back to the same practice with awareness. 
    6. As the practice ends, pause for a moment with intention, and choose when to move on with your day. 
      Whatever you’re facing in life, all we indirectly influence is how we choose to relate to that. Reactivity and anger so often lead to more reactivity and anger. You can get caught up in self-criticism and in criticism of others. You can develop a more balanced sense of awareness, preciseness, and clarity through mindfulness practice. At any moment, you can catch yourself and realign yourself with your best intentions, recognizing that you may lose touch again and then come back when you do. 
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  • How to Build Mindful Social Media Habits in the Age of TikTok—for You and Your Kids

    How to Build Mindful Social Media Habits in the Age of TikTok—for You and Your Kids

    A few years back, I was scrolling through my Instagram feed when I came across an image of Miranda, my childhood best friend. She was on a beautiful white-sand tropical beach, tan and radiant, contorted into an incredible yoga pose. In contrast, I was sitting in my living room, pasty white and deeply bundled against the frigid Maine temps, nearly comatose from tech use. And I noticed something. As I stared at the pic, my throat clenched slightly. My shoulders rose up just a hair. And my stomach dropped. I had a wisp of a thought: Ugh. I wish that was me. This was followed by a cascade of reasons that I was better than her, in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. 

    What makes this moment notable, even though this yucky feeling had happened a bajillion times while looking at Insta, was a recognition of how that image impacted me. If I think about my technology consumption like a diet, what I just ate left me feeling bloated and heavy—perhaps the equivalent of eating an entire bag of Cheetos. In the past, I might have scrolled on for thirty minutes, continuing with my day and feeling some unnamed uneasiness, but not really noticing or connecting my feelings to anything in particular. This time, though, it was clear as day. This time helped me wake up and ask myself, “Is scrolling through social media healthy for me?” The answer was a resounding no.

    So then I deleted all the apps and never got on social media again. 

    Yeah, right. 

    What is true is that this was the beginning of a long process of really waking up to how my technology use was impacting me. I was able to start noticing when my face felt hot and my muscles clenched because an email triggered me before shooting off a fiery response. I recognized that if I woke up and looked at the news on my phone first thing in the morning, I was extra grouchy toward my family as I got ready to teach school that day.

    Mindfulness basically asks us to take off our judgy pants for a second and really look at our experiences, especially the ones we think we already know.

    On the flip side, my awareness of some of the ways tech really served me grew as well. I was able to notice that I felt empowered by calls to action posted by friends who were promoting social justice. I was grateful for the electronic calendar that reminded me of a forgotten appointment I was supposed to go to in thirty minutes. And especially as we braved the COVID-19 pandemic, I deeply appreciated being able to connect with my students, family, and friends over Zoom.

    Listen, I have an obvious bias here. I believe it is really easy for us as humans to get sucked into mindless technology use, and I think that sometimes makes us feel like crap. I believe there are forces at work that make it hard to put the phone or video controller or computer screen down. And I believe that we do have control over ourselves and our choices, but only if we are paying enough attention to notice what’s going on. 

    Listen to Your Kids

    I want to be clear: This is not just a concern for young people. Though the specifics of the challenges around tech use may be generational, the modern struggle for balance and wellness affects all ages.

    I am a mother of two young kiddos (ages one and four at the time of publication), which means I am grappling with how to best support them in developing their own healthy relationships with technology.

    For now, it is easy because I can just turn off the iPad after one episode or take away the phone after the timer dings. But at some point, I need to transfer that power to them so they can start noticing and making their own choices about the impact their tech use has on them. Of course, they will make mistakes. Of course, I will make mistakes. But I’m hoping, much as I do with my students, that we can figure it out together.

    I encourage you to be vulnerable with the young people in your life. Model owning your struggles. Invite them to share theirs. Sit on the same side of the table and problem-solve together rather than fight. We all want less fighting. Be open to the possibility that you are in this together.

    You can learn a lot just by listening to kids. The world is different from the one we grew up in. I didn’t have a mobile phone or social media until college and a smartphone came well after that. I had an entire childhood before modern tech became a reality. I can’t fully comprehend what it would be like to grow up in a world where my relationships were mediated by technology. The closest I can come is simply listening to young people. One piece of advice that has really stuck with me came from Jeremy, a teen from Virginia, who said, “One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is they try to relate too much. While both generations have issues, it’s not the same and they don’t fully understand. Parents should just acknowledge the generation gap, and be open to listening and understanding.” 

    So, I encourage you to be vulnerable with the young people in your life. Model owning your struggles. Invite them to share theirs. Sit on the same side of the table and problem-solve together rather than fight. We all want less fighting. Be open to the possibility that you are in this together.

    Create Social Media Habits That Serve You

    Mindfulness basically asks us to take off our judgy pants for a second and really look at our experiences, especially the ones we think we already know. When we fully pay attention, defenses down, hearts open, we can be amazed by how much more there is to learn. By hearts open, I mean we can do this work with care. We can do it because we care . . . about ourselves, about our families and friends, and about the larger community. Acknowledging that we truly do want what is best for all can help us make moves that might not feel easy. Perhaps we create a social justice post to highlight the ways we can better care for one another and this world. Perhaps we put our phones down to really show care to the people we love.

    Close your eyes. Okay, I guess you have to read through this first, but then come back and close your eyes and walk yourself through this exercise.

    1. Imagine yourself waking up on your most perfect day. What does it feel like to be in bed? How do you soak in that moment? Do you stay there for a while to enjoy the restfulness? Are you someone who loves to jump right up and throw on some upbeat music? Whatever those first few moments in your ideal day look like, imagine them.
    1. Afternoon rolls around. What now? Do you go out for a walk? Take a catnap in a sunny patch on the couch? Hit the beach or slopes?
    1. How will you wind down from your day? Watch a movie with your family? Read a book curled up in your beanbag chair? Take a short walk around the block?
    1. When you are ready, come back to the present.

    This is an idealizing exercise. Obviously, we don’t usually have this much control over every moment of the day. We must consider other people’s needs. And we do things—work, errands, exercise, and so on—that may not feel gratifying in the moment but may ultimately serve us. Some life circumstances simply do not allow for us to do all that we wish. But it can be really helpful to know in our bodies what it feels like to live a beautiful day, as well as what factors help create those feelings.

    This exercise is meant to highlight the fact that how you spend your time matters. What you fill your mind with—experiences, content, images—matters. It may be the most important thing to consider. The way we spend each moment ultimately adds up to our lives. If we really want to start being clear about how our tech can best serve us, we need to be very clear about what we want it to serve. Many people grapple with this big question their whole lives: What work, activities, causes, and ways of being in the world make me feel most alive, most connected, and most authentically myself? There will not be a final answer to this question. It will be a lifelong inquiry, and your response will undoubtedly shift as you grow and have new priorities.

    Finding meaning in our lives won’t come just from what we do, but how we show up.

    Finding meaning in our lives won’t come just from what we do, but how we show up. Are we all the way there for those experiences? Or are we distracted? Can we find meaning and contentment even in moments that are not exciting, awe-inspiring, or fun? Our tech habits do not exist in isolation. Sometimes they are a result of some unmet need in our lives. Sometimes our habits result in an unmet need. It helps to figure out what things nourish us and help us to feel most alive. Only then can we really understand how our tech use can support that. 

    You Can Always Begin Again

    The truth is, at least momentarily, it is easier not to try. It is easier not to notice. It is easier to just hop in our tech inner tube and let the tech companies’ brilliant neuroscientists and psychologists whisk us away on a “happy,” tech-fueled river float. It’s easier to let our habits and patterns whisk us away than it is to look at those habits and ask them, “Are you getting me where I want to go? Are you creating the life I want to live?” Sometimes just asking ourselves to pause can feel Herculean. We aren’t used to it. Our habits push us to stick with what we know. Knowing this, perhaps you ask yourself, Can I love the dance? Can I love my humanness? Can I love myself when my actions create sleep deprivation, jealousy, work backlogs, or sadness? Can I fuel my desire to keep coming back with love and care instead of shame?

    If we go into the practice of examining our tech habits by criticizing ourselves, and criticizing others, for not living up to our ideals, we won’t want to keep trying. Lead with love.

    Maybe we notice we have been scrolling for over an hour one day, only to miss noticing the same behavior a week later. Maybe we choose to set a timer when we play video games one day and hop up after thirty minutes to go get some fresh air, only to hole up for a whole weekend playing games a month later. Still, we can begin again.

    And still, we can value ourselves as we fall. We can value ourselves enough to try again. 

    Attention Hijacked: Using Mindfulness to Reclaim Your Brain from Tech by Erica B. Marcus. Text copyright © 2022 by Erica B. Marcus. Reprinted with the permission of Zest Books, a division of Lerner Publishing Group, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this text excerpt may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the prior written permission of Lerner Publishing Group, Inc.

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