Category: Mental Health

  • A Meditation for Clarifying Your Motivations for Using Tech

    A Meditation for Clarifying Your Motivations for Using Tech

    Your motivations for using tech can also point the way toward developing a healthier relationship with it. In today’s practice, Jay Vidyarthi guides us to identify our motivations and ways to establish more balance and intention in our tech use — without the guilt.

    Recent studies have confirmed that the constant presence and use of tech in our lives has become a hazard to our well-being on multiple levels. Yet it’s not going anywhere—so how do we mindfully hold that tension and seek balance in our relationship to technology?

    Meditation teacher, mindful tech designer, and self-identified tech lover Jay Vidyarthi observes, “It’s okay to enjoy technology. Tech becomes a problem when we get so attached to it that our lives fall out of balance—and this happens because a certain device or app or game or even your work email might satisfy a specific, lacking, healthy emotional need.”

    In today’s practice, Jay leads us through a contemplative practice that can help us dig down and understand our motivations for using tech, while also helping us identify ways to be more intentional about the why, how, and when of our digital consumption.

    A Meditation for Clarifying Your Motivations for Using Tech

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. This is going to be a contemplation. So choose whether you want to meditate with your eyes closed in a certain posture or position, or whether you’d rather journal, in which case you can grab a pen or a paper or even type on your computer.
    2. Hit pause on the audio if you need a little bit more space to get settled. There’s never a need to rush into this kind of thing, so try to find a place that’s quiet, maybe even inspiring, for your contemplation or journaling.
    3. When you’re ready, start by thinking or writing about why you personally might be interested in a better relationship with technology. What’s motivating you here? Is it a general feeling? Are there specific patterns you’re trying to change? Are there specific things that have happened that felt off to you that maybe inspired this idea that you needed to work on your relationship with technology? Are there maybe stories you’ve heard in the media or the press about technology and what it might be doing to us? Are there positive experiences that you have with technology where you find joy or meaning or purpose that maybe you want to get more of, or maybe you want to get back to? Maybe those are memories from an earlier incarnation of technology that feels lost.

    Are there positive experiences that you have with technology where you find joy or meaning or purpose that maybe you want to get more of, or maybe you want to get back to?

    1. Consider or write down how a more mindful relationship with technology might positively impact you and the people around you, whether those are family members or friends or roommates or coworkers, or even just the barista at the coffee shop or the clerk at the grocery store.
    2. If you’re having a hard time getting to deeper answers, try asking why over and over again like young children do. It’s a very powerful word. You might start with, Why am I interested in a better relationship with technology? Your mind might answer that with something like, I want to be less stressed. From there you might ask, Why do I want to be less stressed? Maybe your answer is because you want to be more present for the people you care about. You might ask why again, Why do I want to be more present for the people I care about? Keep going with this, and you’ll eventually find yourself at some deeper personal truths.
    3. Now, as you do this, notice if any judgment or shame is coming up. If you’re journaling, you can look back over the page, but if you are contemplating, you can just reflect. If judgment is arising, just let that come and go. So for example, you might ask why and hear your inner voice get self-critical. Like, Why do I want a healthy relationship with technology? Oh, well, because I can’t control myself and I’m addicted and destroying my life with this technology. Our inner voice can go all over the place, as you well know. If that happens, there’s no need to resist it, but don’t give it more energy, either. Try to stay curious and focus on those motivations, those intentions, those answers that feel like they’re encouraging positive growth.
    4. As we approach the end of our session here, see if you can distill what’s come up in this practice into a simple word or phrase. If you’re journaling, you can draw a big line on the page. If you are contemplating, you can clear your palate. Try to find something that captures the essence of what is motivating you, what your intention is to form a more mindful, healthier, better relationship with the technology in your life. Try to be very specific and concise.
    5. Once you have something, commit that to memory or write it down. Then, let go of all the effort that we’ve put into this practice and let’s take a few moments to just be as we are. There’s nothing more to do, yet we’re not yet moving into the next thing. We’re enjoying this transition, this moment of emptiness and non-doing.
    6. When you’re ready, you can gradually open your eyes if they were closed. Have a little stretch or a sip of water, whatever you need. And if you haven’t yet, you can write down the word or phrase you came up with, put that in a visible place, and let that be a reminder of your intention, your motivation, your commitment to an improved relationship with technology. 

    It’s important to remember that this doesn’t necessarily mean only setting boundaries around problematic use patterns. It also means setting yourself up to fully enjoy the parts of technology you enjoy and to find authentic connection online and to allow any meaning or purpose that you get from technology to fully flourish into your life. I hope this was helpful. See you next time.



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  • What Are the 8 “Rules” of Meditation?

    What Are the 8 “Rules” of Meditation?

    In a world that feels uncertain, chaotic, and often disconnected, people are seeking greater peace, clarity, and emotional balance. In that searching, many have found respite and healing in a regular meditation practice. However, if you’re brand new to meditating, it can be a little intimidating at first. Where do you begin? Are there foundational guidelines or rules of meditation that should be followed? 

    While there are many forms of meditation, some core principles guide successful practice. These principles act as a springboard to help you navigate your meditation journey more effectively. Whether you’re new to meditation or a seasoned practitioner, understanding these “8 rules of meditation” can deepen your practice and enhance its benefits. 

    And, if you read to the end, we’ve included a final guideline that might surprise you—and that might be the most important thing to remember as you explore the challenges and rewards of meditation. 

    Let’s dive into these key principles to discover how they can enrich your meditation experience.

    1. Find a Comfortable Posture

    One of the first and most important rules of meditation is finding a comfortable, stable posture. While many people envision sitting cross-legged on the floor, the truth is that meditation posture can vary. You don’t have to twist into complicated poses to meditate effectively. 

    The key is to find a position where your body feels supported and relaxed. That can be sitting on a chair, cushion, or even lying down. In fact, it can be a useful practice to simply tune into your body before each meditation session and determine which position might be the most comfortable for that day. This is a gentle way to start focusing your attention. 

    If you choose to sit, either in a chair, on the floor, or against a wall, remember to:

    • Keep your spine straight to encourage alertness.
    • Relax your shoulders and let your hands rest naturally.
    • Ensure you are not straining any part of your body.

    Comfort is key because physical discomfort can easily become a distraction during your practice. By settling into a comfortable posture, you allow your mind to focus more easily.

    2. Focus on Your Breath

    You’ll hear meditation teachers speak a lot about the power of the breath

    This is because the breath is a natural anchor for meditation. It’s always with you and can be observed without a lot of effort. Focusing on your breath helps quiet the mind and center your awareness in the present moment. This rule of meditation teaches you to tune into your body, observing how the breath moves in and out, without trying to control it.

    When meditating, pay attention to the sensation of air entering and leaving your nostrils or the rise and fall of your abdomen. If your mind wanders—which it inevitably will—gently bring your attention back to the breath. This act of returning to the breath is a key part of meditation, strengthening your mental focus.

    3. Accept What Arises Without Judgment

    A common misconception is that a quiet mind is the goal of meditation, but the reality is that thoughts will always arise. It’s not possible for meditation to be about controlling or suppressing your thoughts, because producing thoughts is just what the brain does. 

    That’s why much of the work of meditation is just learning to accept whatever arises in your mind without judgment. Whether it’s stress, irritation, or joy, let the thoughts and feelings  come and go like clouds passing through the sky. That can look like gently saying to yourself something like, I notice I’m thinking about work right now. I have a lot of worries about my job right now. That’s okay. I can think about work later, but right now, I’m choosing to return to the present. 

    The key here is non-resistance. Instead of fighting your thoughts, simply observe them. Recognize that thoughts are fleeting and don’t define who you are. Over time, you’ll learn how to detach from the endless stream of thoughts and emotions, allowing them to pass without becoming consumed by them.

    And remember that when your attention wanders and you bring it back, that is similar to doing a rep with a weight. The wandering and coming back is not a “failure”—it’s precisely what builds strength in your focus and attention over time. 

    4. Practice Regularly

    Consistency is crucial in meditation. As we mentioned above, strengthening focus and attention is like any skill: the more you practice, the more you’ll benefit. It’s better to meditate for a few minutes every day than for an hour once a week. Regular practice builds mental discipline and helps integrate mindfulness into your daily life.

    Start small if you’re new to meditation—perhaps with just five minutes a day—and gradually increase your time. Find a routine that works for you, whether it’s in the morning, during lunch, or before bed. The important thing is to establish a habit and stick to it. Even short, regular sessions will lead to noticeable improvements in your focus, clarity, and emotional regulation.

    5. Be Patient with Yourself

    As you might imagine, and perhaps have already experienced for yourself, frustration is a very normal part of starting and maintaining a meditation practice. 

    Meditation is a journey, not a destination. In Western culture especially, we’re training to approach everything as if it’s something to be perfected or conquered. It can be extremely strange to engage in a lifelong activity where “mastering” it isn’t the goal. 

    It’s normal to experience challenges, especially in the beginning. Your mind may feel restless, your body may feel almost unbearably uncomfortable at times, and might be surprised and annoyed by what pops into your head when you’re just trying to be still for a second. It’s easy to get discouraged when progress seems slow. This brings us to one of the most important rules of meditation: patience.

    Understand that meditation is a practice of observing the mind and its patterns. There will be good days where meditation feels effortless, and there will be days when your mind seems like a chaotic storm. Both experiences are part of the process and both are completely normal. Patience means accepting where you are today without judgment. Trust that with time and consistency, the benefits of meditation will reveal themselves.

    6. Let Go of Expectations

    A common pitfall in meditation is having expectations about what “should” happen. Many people sit down expecting immediate calm, profound insights, or even emotional or spiritual awakenings. When those expectations aren’t met, disappointment and frustration can follow. One of the core rules of meditation is to let go of expectations.

    Meditation is not about achieving a specific outcome but about being present with whatever arises. You might experience moments of peace, and at other times, you might face discomfort or boredom. The practice is about accepting each moment as it is without trying to manipulate the experience. By letting go of expectations, you create space for authentic, unfiltered awareness.

    7. Think of Mindfulness as Not Just an Activity, but An Approach to All of Life

    Meditation is not confined to your time on the cushion. One of the most powerful benefits of meditation is the ability to bring mindfulness into your everyday life. Meditation is one exercise that helps you stay aware and present in one particular moment, so that you can  stay aware and present throughout the day, no matter what you’re doing.

    Whether you’re eating, walking, working, or talking, try to bring mindful awareness to the present moment. Notice how your body feels, observe your surroundings, and pay attention to your thoughts and emotions without getting lost in them. 

    More good news? This is all a virtuous cycle: staying mindful during everyday activities deepens your meditation practice, which in turn helps to cultivate a sense of peace and clarity that extends out into all the little moments of your beautiful, imperfect human life.

    8. Allow Your Sense of Compassion to Grow

    One of the many side benefits of a regular meditation practice is an expanded capacity to hold compassion—for yourself and others. Meditation is not just about focusing the mind; it’s also about opening the heart. As you observe your thoughts and emotions, practice self-compassion. Recognize that it’s okay to struggle and be kind to yourself when things get tough.

    Likewise, extend that compassion to others. Over time, meditation helps you develop a sense of interconnectedness with the world around you. By practicing loving-kindness meditation or simply holding an attitude of empathy, you foster compassion for all beings. This rule reminds us that meditation is not just a personal practice but a way to connect with others and contribute to the well-being of the world.

    Like the rest of these rules of meditation, there is a kind of counter-intuitive and cyclical nature to expanding compassion. The more we make room for imperfection and mistakes in our meditation practice, the stronger our practice will become over time. The less we put pressure on ourselves to always “get it right”—and judge ourselves by a standard of perfection—the more room we have the ability to extend that grace to ourselves and others in the rest of our lives. 

    A Final Rule: Hold All the Rules of Meditation Lightly

    Mindfulness and meditation are counter-cultural in so many ways. 

    For example: 

    • Rather than a predetermined destination or outcome, we’re invited to relax into an unpredictable process. 
    • Rather than fixating on achievement, we’re invited to let go of our grip on staking our identity and value on perfection.  
    • Rather than trying to “fix” the feelings we don’t like, we’re invited to just be with them, and then we find that they pass through a lot faster. 

    When we see a phrase like “the eight rules of meditation,” it’s easy to slip into thinking about this process the way we think about so many things in life: through the lens of striving, achievement, mastery, and perfection. We can get attached and rigid—and that actually makes growing in the process more difficult. 

    So, in the end, here’s a final invitation: hold all of the rules of meditation lightly. Lean into them for support, guidance, and encouragement. Allow them to be gentle reminders of why you’re here. 

    But also remember that there is so much room for every day to be different. Some days will feel amazing, and some won’t, and that’s okay. It’s all part of the experience, and even the days when it feels like it’s not working…it’s still working. 

    Meditation is a journey, and each time you practice, you take a step closer to greater self-awareness and inner peace. Whether you’re just starting or have been meditating for years, these guidelines can serve as a compass to help you navigate your path with a little more awareness and grace.

    FAQs About the Rules of Meditation

    Q: What if sitting is uncomfortable or painful for me?

    A: The key is finding a position that works for you and your body’s needs. If sitting with your legs crossed is hard on your knees, for example, you can sit in a chair with your feel on the floor. It’s fine to lie down, as well. It can be a useful practice to simply tune into your body before each meditation session and determine which position might be the most comfortable for that day. This is a gentle way to start focusing your attention on your body and your breath before you even officially start your practice.

    Q: I can’t seem to keep my thoughts from racing in every direction. Is this normal?

    A: Yes, it’s completely normal! The mind does what it does: it generates thoughts, feelings, reactions, stories. That’s its job. You might find your mind wandering dozens of times in just the span of five or 10 minutes. Be patient with yourself, and be aware of how you respond to this very natural movement of the mind. Instead of harshly criticizing yourself, try noticing, thanking your mind for doing its thing, and then bringing your attention back to the breath. Each time you return your attention to the present moment, think of it like lifting a weight—you’re actually strengthening your focus each time your bring it back.

    Q: It doesn’t feel like my practice is really doing anything for me, even though I’m following the rules of meditation for the most part. How do I know if a practice is “working”?

    A: It can be super frustrating to start a practice and to hope to see and feel big results right away. The truth is, learning to meditate takes time, and most often the changes aren’t sudden or dramatic.

    One key way to notice shifts as a result of your practice is just to pay attention to how you respond to discomfort or disappointment. You might start to be aware that you’re less reactive, that you have just a moment between when something happens and when you respond that wasn’t there before. Or maybe you notice your inner dialogue shifting—maybe you’re more patient with yourself or others, maybe a little less critical when you make mistakes. You might notice that your focus is sharper, that you see and appreciate “little things” a bit more. Again, it might not be dramatic, but part of a mindfulness practice is becoming more aware of micro-changes in yourself over time.



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  • An Interbeing Meditation for Connection and Understanding

    An Interbeing Meditation for Connection and Understanding

    In this guided interbeing meditation, Shalini Bahl explores our interdependence as a pathway to better understanding, compassion, and cooperation, especially when conflict feels overwhelming.

    Summary

    • Through the practice of interbeing meditation, we explore our inherent connection to the whole world.
    • Interbeing is one word for our basic interconnectedness and interdependence as living beings.
    • When we consider both our own needs and the needs of other people, we can be more understanding and kind, even during difficult interactions.

    If you’ve faced challenging or polarizing conversations lately, you likely know how difficult it can be to connect and cooperate with the person on the other side of that interaction.

    In today’s guided interbeing meditation, Dr. Shalini Bahl invites us to explore our innate interconnectedness by recognizing our needs and those of others, so that we can be empowered to work together in new and creative ways that benefit all involved.

    An Interbeing Meditation for Connection and Understanding

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. Welcome to Interbeing, a guided practice for connection and understanding. Zen master and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh coined the word interbeing to describe a basic interconnectedness and interdependence as living beings. This practice invites us to explore this interconnectedness, especially when facing challenging conversations or polarizing situations. By recognizing our needs and those of others, we can foster greater understanding. This compassionate awareness can empower us to work together in new and creative ways that benefit all involved. 
    2. Let’s begin by coming to a comfortable sitting posture that allows you to be alert and relaxed. Gently close your eyes, or simply soften your gaze. Rest your awareness on the breath moving in and out of your body, naturally and effortlessly. Invite your mind to be here with your breath and body. Feel the spaciousness in your chest with each inhale and exhale. 
    3. Now picture a vast open sky filled with white fluffy clouds. See these clouds gathering to become larger and darker, heavy with life-giving rain. Feel the cool drops falling, sinking deep into the earth below. Sense the trees drinking deeply, their roots reaching deep down into the earth and the branches lifting towards the sky. 
    4. Think of these trees, well nourished by the rain water, by this earth, offering their fibers to be transformed into the very paper we use in our everyday lives. Just as this rain nourishes the earth and the earth nourishes the trees, so too are we nourished by this web of life around us. Each breath we take connects us to the trees, the rain, the earth, and all living beings. 
    5. Take a few moments to connect with this sense of awe and wonder in whatever way feels most authentic to you. Sense this interconnectedness with this web of life and all beings. 
    6. In this spirit of interbeing, bring to mind someone you are or will be interacting with—at home, work, or in your community—for whom you want to feel compassion. This could be someone you want to connect with more deeply as someone you’re having a conflict with. 
    7. Once you have the person and this interaction in mind, return to your present moment. Experience the breath moving in and out of your body. If your mind feels especially active today, place one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly as you feel the rising and falling of your body under the gentle touch of your hands. 
    8. Every time your mind wanders away, which it will, bring it back with kindness to your breath moving in and out of your body. Once your mind is stabilized, listen within to your needs in this interaction. Quietly ask yourself, What are my needs in this interaction? Stay here with kindness without forcing an answer. Listen then with patience. What would you like to get from this interaction? What are your needs? What are your intentions? What would you like to see happen? 
    9. Don’t go with the first response. Wait. Listen. Notice any kind of rushing judgments or fears. About what you may discover, making space for it all. Allow yourself to see, to feel whatever is your experience.  
    10. Feel free to pause this recording and journal or if you need a little more time. Once you feel ready, quietly ask yourself the following: What are the other person’s needs? Again, no need to search for answers. Just make room in your mind and your heart to listen within. 
    11. What is coming up for you as you make room for the other person’s perspectives? Their lived experiences? What might be going on for the other person, and what are their needs? If possible, see that person, the whole person beyond the situation. The ways in which they, too, care about the things that you care about. The ways that they, too, have suffered, just like you have in your life. 
    12. You’re not assuming you know everything. You’re just trusting yourself to know what you need to know. All we’re doing is making room, with the intention to see this other person. 
    13. When you find yourself overly distracted, or getting into a thinking mode, return to your breath. Your breath is an anchor to your natural place of connection with your body, yourself, and others. From this place of connection, open your mind to listen to the other person’s needs. 
    14. Again, if you like, you can pause this recording to do some journaling. Even the subtlest of shifts in your perspective can have a big impact on how you show up. 
    15. Based on your reflection today, how might you show up for yourself and the other person? Take some time to create an intention for showing up with understanding and kindness. And before you begin your interaction with that person, remember to return to your contemplation of interbeing, your intentions, and trusting your natural goodness. May this interbeing meditation help us navigate challenging interactions with grace, compassion, and wisdom. May our practice together benefit us and all beings. 



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  • Help Curb the Habit of Gossiping With A 10-Minute Practice

    Help Curb the Habit of Gossiping With A 10-Minute Practice

    Summary:

    • “Fake news” is now a common phrase, but we can understand gossip as frequently-fake news on a personal level.
    • If you want to challenge your habit of gossiping, it is helpful to cultivate awareness both of how you speak and of how you listen.
    • In this 10-minute audio meditation, you’ll practice shifting from an in-the-moment urge to gossip toward a state of appreciation and gratitude.

    We live in a political moment where we don’t just disagree about matters of policy—we disagree about reality. To some degree, this has always been the case.

    Writing in 1922, the American philosopher Walter Lippmann, described the modern human condition as one of living in “pseudo-environments”—mental worlds that define our values, beliefs, and opinions. As a result, he observed that citizens “live in the same world, but they think and feel in different ones.”

    More than 100 years later, we are experiencing this kind of polarization like never before. 24-hour cable news, Facebook, blogs, Twitter, and the fracturing of media have made it so that we can each filter our news, entertainment, and social interactions to reinforce our existing beliefs and shield ourselves from oppositional views—not to mention the fake news out there deliberately trying to separate us.

    This catchphrase has come to define the modern moment—“fake news.” Anything that doesn’t fit with our reality is now seen as unreal, make-believe, and at the same time, some of the news in our feeds is actually made up. These are crazy days.

    There is a serious conversation to be had around how to restructure the media and political institutions to mitigate this problem.

    Gossip is rarely based on fact, it’s more of an expression of the stories we make up in our heads about other people.

    In the meantime, we wanted to explore a different landscape of “fake news.” Sure, there are many people out there consciously spreading “fake news.” But it’s also interesting to look at how we might be doing it every day without really recognizing it.

    That’s right, we’re talking about gossip—our ordinary habit of talking about others behind their back. Gossip is rarely based on fact, it’s more of an expression of the stories we make up in our heads about other people.

    What is Gossip?

    The habit of gossiping can be defined in any number of ways. Webster’s defines it as “rumor or report of an intimate nature.” In the book The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, the authors define gossip as: “any statement about another that the speaker would be unwilling to share in exactly the same way if that person were in the same room.”

    This definition points to the contextual nature of gossip. If I tell my co-worker Gena that “Dave’s feedback on my presentation today was incredibly disrespectful,” it may or may not be gossip. If I don’t share this feedback with Dave, then it’s a clear case of gossip. But if I do share it with Dave, with the same emotional tone, then it is not gossip.

    Why bring greater awareness to your gossip habit? After all, it’s often entertaining, even pleasurable, to talk about the faults of celebrities, political leaders, or that person in your social circle who drives you crazy.

    The first reason is that a habit of gossiping almost always arises from stories in our mind, which may or may not be true. So one reason to refrain from gossip is to do your part to curb the spread of “fake news.”

    Another reason is that gossip often involves a subtle breach of integrity. In the language of the philosopher Immanuel Kant, when we gossip about someone, we’re treating them as a “mere means” to our own sense of pleasure or superiority. If I tell a humiliating story about someone, I’m using their misfortune as a way to generate laughter, titillate my audience, or make myself feel like I’m better than them.

    And while it may be pleasurable in the moment, it almost always leaves a moral stain. For the speaker of gossip, there’s a subtle feeling of guilt that arises. For the people listening, there’s a sense of distrust that follows in the wake of gossip. “If he talks that way about others when they’re not in the room,” they are left thinking, “how does he talk about me when I’m not in the room?”

    Need proof? Conduct a quick experiment. In your next interaction with a friend or colleague, dish out some juicy negative tidbit about a mutual colleague or acquaintance. Then check in to see how you feel. If they respond in kind, notice how you feel about their trustworthiness and the strength of your relationship.

    2 Key Ways to Shift the Habit of Gossiping

    So how can we become more aware of our gossip habit? The key is mindfulness–training the skill of Notice-Shift-Rewire each time we’re tempted to gossip or each time others begin gossiping. This awareness takes two forms: awareness of speech and awareness of listening.

    1) Awareness of Speech

    The practice here is simple. Notice when you feel the urge to say something negative about another person – a friend, a co-worker, or even a political figure. And when you notice, pay attention to the physical sensations of gossip. We have found that the urge to gossip often corresponds to an energetic state–a subtle pattern of sensations in the body.

    In fact, the urge to gossip is, in many ways, similar to the urge to read about gossip in the form of celebrity tabloids or political chatter. In both cases, we’re drawn to the momentary burst of pleasure that arises from speaking or hearing gossip. And yet it’s a behavior that is always unsatisfying, leaving us with the desire for more.

    Noticing the urge to gossip opens the space to Shift your speech. This could be as simple as not saying anything at all or reframing your statement to something you would be willing to share with the other person, were they in the room.

    The Shift might also be to follow through on the urge to gossip but to do it with awareness – to gossip consciously. This sounds strange but you may find that it’s impossible and, at times, undesirable to get rid of all gossip. In conversations with your spouse or partner, for instance, saying things about others that you wouldn’t share with them in the room might play an essential role in building trust and intimacy with your partner. Talking through a difficult situation with another family member or a problem at work, for example, may require talking candidly about others in ways that you would not were this other person in the room. In these cases, the goal might not be to end gossip but to simply be more aware and mindful of it.

    The final move is to Rewire. Savor the experience of bringing greater awareness to this ordinary habit of gossip.

    2) Awareness of Listening

    Even if we refrain from gossip, we will undoubtedly encounter it in the speech of others. Whether it’s neighbors, co-workers, or family members, the habit of gossip is so common that it’s impossible to avoid. Awareness of listening is the practice of noticing gossip whenever it arises in conversations with others.

    Of course, this leads to an important question: when we notice the person we’re talking to gossiping, what are we to do? How are we to respond?

    The authors of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership liken this situation to a game of ping-pong: “the speaker and the listener each hold a paddle. If a listener says he doesn’t want to listen and symbolically puts down his paddle, the game is over.”

    This is sound advice. And yet it requires discernment and skillful means to figure out how to put down your paddle without shaming the other person. It might involve injecting a positive comment into the conversation, changing the subject, or, at times, making the outright request to not gossip.

    A 10-Minute Practice on Gossip Awareness

    1. To begin, find a comfortable seat. Sitting, if possible, with a straight spine. Close your eyes and begin by relaxing. Feel how the chair supports the weight of your body. Feel your feet as they rest against the support of the floor. Notice how you’re supported by each inhale and exhale. Allow yourself to breathe. Allow yourself to be. Let your breath move in and out effortlessly and without any attempt to control it. The goal of this practice is to create more awareness around the effect of gossip.
    2. With that in mind, as you relax deeply, see if you can bring to mind a moment in the past. A moment when you heard something about a friend or a coworker, another parent at school, a neighbor. Or when you dished it out to someone else. I know it’s not the most glamorous thing, but we’ve all had those moments when we had that juicy piece of gossip. So, see if you can just travel back in time to a moment like that, you can go back to childhood if nothing is coming up from adulthood.
    3. Observe any feelings or sensations that arise as you go back to that moment in time when you offered that juicy tidbit of gossip. You might notice a mixture of emotions. Excitement. Shame. Fear. Curiosity.
    4. Now, let’s imagine we had the opportunity to go back in time and experience this very same moment. With a slight twist. This time, I want you to think of a statement of gratitude for this person. Rather than a juicy piece of gossip about them, think of what you would say. If you were forced to tell someone why you appreciate this person or why you’re grateful for them.
    5. Now, imagine saying a word of appreciation instead of a piece of gossip. I appreciate Hank for always being there on time and for the intensity he brings to each conversation. I appreciate my mother-in-law, for how passionate she is about bringing us all together.
    6. Notice again, with this statement of gratitude, what are the emotions that arise in your body? See if you can pay close attention to any differences between the impact of gossip and gratitude for you in your experience. See if you can keep this experience and remain aware of the difference in your emotional state between gossip and gratitude and mind? And see if you can bring this midst of everyday life.
    7. Notice moments when you hold that juicy piece of gossip and there’s a part of you that wants to tell someone and dish it out. In those moments, see what happens when you shift to appreciation or gratitude instead
    8. To close this practice on the habit of gossiping, take a few more breaths. Bring your attention back to each inhale and exhale sensation of breath. And then when you feel ready, slowly open up your eyes. Coming back into the room. And see what happens when you bring this spirit of gratitude with you. Throughout the rest of your day.

    The 24-Hour Gossip Challenge:

    To experience this first hand, see what happens when you bring greater awareness to gossip over the next 24 hours. Pay special attention to your speech and the speech of those around you. See if you can go an entire day without the habit of gossiping.

    You may find that it’s an almost impossible task to eliminate the habit of gossiping entirely. But that’s not really the goal of this experiment. The goal is to bring awareness to the urge to gossip – to notice where you are contributing to the spread of “fake news.” This simple sense of awareness may not lead you to stop gossiping altogether. But it will help you bring greater compassion, care, and awareness into even the most ordinary conversations.

    Share your experiences in the comments below.

    This article was originally published on Mindful.org in March 2018.



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  • The 4 Qualities of a Good Listener

    The 4 Qualities of a Good Listener

    A good listener not only focuses on your words, but what’s on your mind. Do you have the following qualities of a good listener?

    When we’re constantly fixated on what we’re going to say next, or how people have interpreted what we’ve already said, we forget that honing the qualities of a good listener is equally important to the conversation. This video from The London School of Life reminds us how a good listener inspires quietly instead of nagging endlessly.

    4 Qualities of a Good Listener

    1) A good listener asks: “What’s on your mind?”

    When we’re trying to make tough decisions, a good listener uses gentle encouragement to help tease out what’s really at the heart of our anxieties.

    It’s not always easy for us to know what’s bothering us—a gentle and constructive push with a good question can encourage us to explore what’s on our minds, and help clarify what might be causing us trouble.

    2) Good listeners go beyond anecdotes

    It’s hard to find the root of where our feelings comes from, but easy to simply mention that something is lovely or terrible, nice or annoying.

    A good listener can help us clarify it.

    They look for the bigger picture by taking your piecemeal thought or complaint and turning it into solid ideas by connecting it with your broader history, bringing anecdotal thoughts up against underlying issues.

    3) The good listener is acutely aware of how unique we all are

    Good listeners allow us to be vulnerable—they don’t invite us to open up and then immediately reject us for our follies.

    Instead, their skillful and useful small feedback can make tense moments of dialogue easier. For example, the little positive strategic sounds, like “MMMMMM……” that delicately signals sympathy without intruding on what we’re trying to say.

    Good listeners allow us to be vulnerable—they don’t invite us to open up and then immediately reject us for our follies.

    Without judgement and criticism, we can feel free and safe to express our feelings without worrying about losing our dignity—or a friendship.

    4) Good listeners separate disagreement from criticism

    A friend who possesses the qualities of a good listener is willing to build a safe environment for you and help you to be yourself. You don’t need to be afraid losing them if you have any disagreement with them—they make it clear that their company is not dependent upon an unattainable state of perfection.



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  • A Forgiveness Meditation to Connect With Your Heart

    A Forgiveness Meditation to Connect With Your Heart

    In this guided meditation, Will Schneider walks us through a three-step meditation to offer forgiveness to ourselves and others.

    Forgiveness is a cornerstone practice of mindfulness, and it’s also one of the most difficult.

    Extending forgiveness to others and to ourselves requires a kind of awareness and vulnerability that can feel deeply uncomfortable, especially if we are carrying heavy stories of shame, anger, or resentment connected to that experience.

    In today’s guided practice, Will Schneider from Men Talking Mindfulness walks us through a forgiveness meditation filled with kindness, grace, and surrender that’s designed to help us walk a little lighter in the world.

    A Forgiveness Meditation to Connect With Your Heart

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. As you work through this meditation, please note that we’re not trying to force forgiveness in any way. Please do this within your comfort zone. You do not need to go into the deepest and darkest places that need forgiveness. On a scale of one to 10, choose something that feels about in a four to six range. This meditation is going to be very helpful to release the energy of stress and anxiety or depression, and really help to relax your body, relax your mind, and help you to be more present in this moment, instead of encumbered with the shame and the guilt that might be associated with events that have occurred in your life.
    2. To begin, find a comfortable position. You can also do this lying down, but make sure you’re not going to fall asleep. If you choose to sit, then sit up in an upright, dignified position.
    3. There will be three parts to this forgiveness meditation. Do the best you can to work from a heart-centric, heartfelt place deep within you. Let go of expectations and try to work from a vulnerable and authentic state of being.  
    4. Start by using your breath to help just naturally drop a little bit deeper into this moment. Maybe even bring a hand over top of your heart so you can begin to access your heart energy, which really helps to empower this forgiveness. Make some movements in your shoulders and your head to help to relax tension. Find several deeper breaths just to calm your nervous system down, drop into this moment. Bring your breath, your awareness down to your breath into your belly. Inhale really big. Exhale, soft and slow. Maybe you’ve got to wiggle your jaw a little side to side, or just take these first several breath moments to just create a little bit more comfort in your body and kind of get out of your head and into your body and into this moment by being aware of your breath and being aware of the sensations of your body without judgment.
    5. Bring to mind a moment that you harmed someone else. Again, it doesn’t have to be so deeply personal. It could just be someone that you cut off in traffic or were a little curt with at the grocery store or something like that. Stay in that four to six range. In your mind’s eye, being specific, bring up this particular person that you would like to offer or ask for forgiveness. Clearly seeing that person in your mind’s eye, repeat to yourself from this heartfelt space to this other person, I am sorry. Please allow me to be imperfect. Please allow me to make mistakes. Please allow me to be a learner, still learning life’s lessons. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. If you could not forgive me now, please try to forgive me sometime in the future. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
    6. Sit with that for a couple of heartbeats, a couple breaths. Use the breath as a way to let go, detaching energetically. Feeling your heart once again.
    7. Next, let’s shift to a way in which someone has harmed you. Again, keep this in that four to six range, something minor, but that definitely was an experience. Repeat to them through this heartfelt space, Just as I am willing to allow myself to be imperfect, I allow you to be imperfect. I allow you also to make mistakes. I allow you to be a learner, still learning life’s lessons. I forgive you. I forgive you. If I cannot forgive you now, may I forgive you sometime in the future. If I cannot forgive you now, may I forgive you sometime in the future.
    8. Sit with your breath for a few moments again. Bring your hand over top of your heart and feel more of that heartfelt experience. Again, use the breath to relax and to release this energy.
    9. Finally, let’s bring forgiveness to ourselves. Think of ways you have harmed yourself. Again, start with something small. Extend forgiveness to yourself by expressing these heartfelt words to yourself: I allow myself to be imperfect. I allow myself to be imperfect. I allow myself to make mistakes. I allow myself to make mistakes. I allow myself to be a learner, still learning life’s lessons. Really feel that. I allow myself to be a learner, still learning life’s lessons. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. If I cannot forgive myself now, may I forgive myself sometime in the future. I forgive myself.
    10. Be with your breath for another few moments here, taking some bigger breaths. Filling with forgiveness, filling with love for yourself, filling with the opportunity to release and let go. Let it all go. It doesn’t need to be a part of you anymore. Take a couple more breaths in. Feel it and flow with it and fall with it. And let go.  
    11. I hope you’re feeling a little lighter after this meditation. Slowly come out on your own time. It’s a wonderful exercise to realize that you don’t need to hold on to all that stuff that gets in the way of your brilliance. All that love that you are. Thank you for meditating. Thank you for being the light that you are and bringing that light to more people in the world. Have an incredible day.



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  • Mindfulness and Autism: Learning to Celebrate Neurodiversity

    Mindfulness and Autism: Learning to Celebrate Neurodiversity

    Summary:

    • Researchers who study mindfulness and autism have found that, for neurodiverse communities, mindfulness may have unexpected and adverse effects that are different from neurotypical people.
    • While mindfulness teachings are slowly becoming more inclusive, people with autism and other kinds of neurodiversity are often left behind.
    • We can learn to teach mindful practices in an accessible, inclusive way that considers each person’s unique brain wiring.

    “When I’m told to focus on sensations of my breath, I feel like there is a noose wrapped around my neck, getting tighter and tighter as I keep paying attention.”

    This comment comes from a brilliant young autistic woman who was told by her doctor that mindfulness would be good for her anxiety. She said it did the opposite: Mindfulness worsened her anxiety. In fact, it was a very negative experience that left her feeling like a failure.

    It’s never anyone’s fault when mindfulness doesn’t work for them. They were just not taught mindfulness in an accessible, inclusive way that considers any unique needs.

    Unfortunately, I hear things like this often. I am part of a mindfulness research program at the Azrieli Adult Neurodevelopmental Centre at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) in Toronto, where in the course of the research, a large number of neurodiverse people have told me they are mindfulness “drop-outs.” In neurodiverse communities, people report having a range of sensory experiences that can produce different, and often adverse responses to common mindfulness techniques such as the body scan, breath practices, and loving-kindness. People with neurodevelopmental disabilities such as autism, ADHD, or cerebral palsy confide that they’ve tried it and “failed” at it. Similarly, in the education system, some teachers have told me that they can’t use the term mindfulness with students because, from prior experiences, some students already feel like they have failed at it.

    It’s never anyone’s fault when mindfulness doesn’t work for them. They were just not taught mindfulness in an accessible, inclusive way that considers any unique needs. Accessibility and neurodiversity are rarely discussed in the mindfulness world, but this discussion holds huge potential for both neurodiverse communities and mindfulness. As a mindfulness teacher, I want to ensure that all people can access mindfulness teachings in a way that works for them.

    What is Neurodiversity?

    As author Jenna Nuremberg shares in her 2020 book Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World That Wasn’t Designed for You, neurodiversity means “recognizing and celebrating the diversity of brain makeups instead of pathologizing some as normal and others as abnormal.” Similarly, the Autism Awareness Centre defines it as “the concept that humans don’t come in a one-size-fits-all neurologically ‘normal’ package,” and that all variations of human neurological function are worthy of respect. Not so differently, mindfulness encourages us to recognize what is going on inside of us—observing our inner world and experience with nonjudgment and acceptance.

    As mindfulness teachers, if we are not accepting and celebrating ALL brain makeups in our teaching, then we are not making mindfulness accessible. The story above—with the experience of the noose tightening—is one example of the mindfulness experience of an autistic person (autism being just one example of a neurodiverse mind).

    Autism occurs in all racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic groups, and 1 in 42 males, and 1 in 165 females were diagnosed with autism in 2018. Autism is not the only kind of neurodiverse brain that is often invisibly present in mindfulness groups. Dyslexia, ADHD, mild cerebral palsy, and mild intellectual disability may be unseen. All of these neurodevelopmental disabilities are often undiagnosed, and many people who come to mindfulness for the first time may not realize there is a reason why they are not connecting with the practices in the way they are being taught. This makes it really important for teachers to be aware of how inclusive their teaching practices are.

    What Makes Mindfulness Inaccessible

    Why is it so challenging for mindfulness teachers to adopt truly accessible practices?  One important reason is that the way of teaching most of us are taught to deliver was designed for the neurotypical population.

    Developed in the 1970s at the Centre for Mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, with Jon Kabat-Zinn at the helm, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) introduced mindfulness to much of the healthcare community. However, the program was designed primarily without modifications for neurodiverse folks. This has significant consequences today: Many mindfulness teachers, though they may be highly trained and capable in MBSR and other mindfulness-based therapies, have usually not been trained to recognize neurodiversity among their students.

    Fortunately, mindfulness research and teaching is beginning to evolve—one instance is the embrace of trauma-sensitive practices, aided by David Treleaven’s work. Yet we still fall short when it comes to inclusive practices that truly provide accessible forms of mindfulness.

    Mindfulness research is beginning to evolve, yet we still fall short when it comes to inclusive practices that truly provide accessible forms of mindfulness.

    For example: The concept of interoception—an area of science that is being written about in literature related to neurodiversity—is the act of really feeling the physical sensations in the body. Knowing that feeling of when you are hungry, or need to go to the bathroom, are examples of interoceptive processing; being able to discriminate between different feelings in the body connected with emotions is another. Mindfulness can play a key role in developing interoceptive skills—for example, when we practice noticing the movement of our inhale and exhale at our nostrils or in the belly. However, interoception is not a universal ability. Some brains are wired to feel physical sensations, while some are wired to visualize easily.

    Still others don’t really visualize: Aphantasia (phantasia being Greek for fantasy) refers to the inability to picture those images in one’s mind. Research conducted at the University of Exeter Medical School found that 2% of the population are non-visual thinkers. That doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong if you can’t picture your loved one in front of you when practicing loving-kindness, it just means you need a modified technique. These different ways that the brain is wired are key when it comes to understanding our experience of mindfulness practice.

    In the last ten years, the Azrieli Adult Neurodevelopmental Centre at CAMH has been studying how mindfulness can better serve the autism community. I’ve been involved as a lead mindfulness facilitator in this research, both leading the groups with advisors and developing modifications to MBSR practices to make them accessible. Importantly, autistic people hold advisory roles in this work as a central part of the research. Mindfulness for the caregivers of neurodiverse people is also being studied by Azrieli’s neurodevelopmental disability community.

    Dr. Yona Lunsky, Director of the Azrieli Adult Neurodevelopmental Centre and a professor of psychiatry at the University of Toronto, has been leading teams to research mindfulness in this community for almost a decade. “The best way for us to adapt our approach when it comes to mindfulness is to work in partnership, and use our mindfulness skills when we do: Approach how we teach with presence to what is happening, with curiosity, without judgment, and with loving-kindness,” Dr. Lunsky says. “Being open to changing our approach is fundamental to developing something meaningful. It takes time and it evolves. And that is what makes it so exciting.” 

    Mindfulness teachers use a lot of metaphors and abstract language that some autistic people struggle with. Some of the sensory exercises pose huge problems for autistic people.

    Bringing mindfulness to neurodiverse communities inspires me to dig deep into my mindfulness training and get creative, so that I can offer traditional mindfulness teachings in ways that are helpful for a wide diversity of brains. As a teacher, it’s my job to teach in a way that is going to help the person in front of me. If I’m stuck to a script, or clinging to delivering mindfulness in a certain way, I risk not being accessible to the unique person’s mind. I need to be rooted enough in the teachings to be able to share them in a customized way.

    Daniel Share-Strom, an autistic man and champion of mindfulness meditation, is an advisor in our mindfulness research program at CAMH. Daniel’s popular TED Talk “Dear Society…Signed, Autism” shares Daniel’s humorous style of sharing his experience living as an autistic man on communication, learning, and interaction with the environment. Here are some thoughts Daniel has shared with me on mindfulness:

    • “In my own mental health journey I discovered mindfulness, and it was one of the first things that ever really helped me with anxiety. …I think it’s so important to adapt mindfulness from its original ways of being taught for neurodiverse groups. There are certain things autistic people bring to the table that aren’t compatible with the ways mindfulness is being presented. Mindfulness teachers use a lot of metaphors and abstract language that some autistic people struggle with. Some of the sensory exercises pose huge problems for autistic people.
    • Autistic people experience high rates of mental health challenges–from feeling anxiousness to having an adult suicide rate up to nine times the rate of the typical population. That is simply a result of growing up in a world that wasn’t designed for us—in a lot of ways. From the sensory world, to social protocols that neurotypical people developed that we didn’t really get much say in. That can all cause a lot of challenges. Mindfulness is an amazing tool to help autistic people cope with all of that. People just need to understand how to adapt it so it’s effective.”

    The work and feedback of Daniel and others makes it clear that we need to explore new ways of teaching mindfulness that honor neurodiversity, and that truly individualize mindfulness for each person.

    Lessons for Teaching Mindfulness Inclusively

    When people ask me how mindfulness can help autistic adults, I say we need to invert the question to “How can autism help mindfulness?” In my experience, it took many, many neurodiverse people patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) giving feedback on how I was teaching mindfulness before I started landing at more inclusive and accessible methods. Getting to know how autistic people connect best with mindfulness has helped me completely re-examine how I teach. It’s taught me to remain open to the vast differences of those in front of us, and explore with them ways for mindfulness to be useful. When we individualize the practice, the path truly belongs to each person.

    Mindfulness has something to offer the world. Neurodiversity has something to offer mindfulness. Let’s imagine together how a more inclusive mindfulness culture can contribute to a more inclusive world, one that can be truly accessible and beneficial to all.



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  • How a Meditation Teacher Can Level Up Your Practice

    How a Meditation Teacher Can Level Up Your Practice

    Summary:

    • Having a qualified meditation teacher can help you learn both the mental and physical aspects of meditation, and help overcome obstacles in your practice.
    • Meditation teachers come in many forms, including in-person teachers, authors, apps, podcasts, and more.
    • Meditation teachers support us on 3 key levels: They often provide fellowship, mentorship, and leadership.
    • We recommend these 5 mindful organizations if you want to find a meditation teacher, take a mindfulness class, or consider a retreat.

    In my college days, a thousand years ago, I used to hang out in part of the library that contained a large multivolume work: Pokorny’s Indo-European Etymological Dictionary. I would idle away hours looking up the derivations of words and tracing their meanings as they wended their way through many languages and cultures. It instilled in me a spirit of looking beneath the surface of a word to find the depth and breadth that lay within.

    When I first discovered that the word “education” derives from an ancient root roughly meaning to draw out, to lead out, it lit up my mind. At that point, education had seemed mainly to be a process of having information and ideas poured into you, or wisdom bestowed on you from on high. This deeper sense of education conveyed both something being drawn out from within as well as the prospect of being led on a journey of discovery. It was a revelation, and an inspiration.

    Even if I was overthinking the etymology—we can’t really know what people thousands of years ago meant when they used a word; the great Julius Pokorny was only making educated guesses—I came to find teachers who met this deeper standard of education. They were teachers who elicited something within that was ready to be brought out. For sure, they led me to new information, but with a spirit of inquiry and examination, rather than indoctrination. Many of them taught me mindfulness.

    Patiently Planting Seeds

    When it comes to learning meditation, having teachers who guide you in this facilitative way is vitally important. Meditation lies somewhere between an intellectual pursuit and skills training of the kind that athletes, martial artists, and musicians, among others, rely on. It involves techniques that have physical aspects, and it is indeed a bit like building up a muscle—at first the “attention muscle”—so some coaching and coaxing are integral aspects of real teaching.

    Nowadays a lot of resources are readily available to get us started and help us along the way. Instructions for how to practice mindfulness and related practices abound—in books, magazines, apps, podcasts, and in video and audio form. The practice itself, as any number of teachers have said, couldn’t be simpler. In fact, it seems too simple. “That’s it? That’s all there is to it?” (One of the reasons it’s nice to have teachers around is to help us navigate that paradox.)

    If you think you need a teacher, chances are you already have one—or many, for that matter.

    In addition, authors regularly offer insightful commentary on the sorts of things that occur when one practices meditation. If you can afford it (or get financial aid), you can go to conferences and meditation programs to learn more and deepen your practice. Some of these ways of getting instruction can feel pretty intimate: Listening to a teacher on an app or podcast can make you feel as if you’re being spoken to directly, and in videos teachers can instruct with a lot of gesture and expression. When you’re reading, you can return again and again to a passage that speaks to you especially.

    All of these supports actually are a form of having a teacher, or many teachers. So, if you think you need a teacher, chances are you already have one—or many, for that matter. It’s helpful to have some gratitude for that fact. Countless people in the world do not have the leisure or opportunity to access a wealth of meditation teachings.

    Patience also pays off. Desperately rushing to find “the teacher” who solves it all results mostly in frustration. As Jessica Morey, cofounder and lead teacher at Inward Bound Mindfulness Education, says, “Meditation practice can lead you to become striving-oriented, obsessed with trying to get somewhere, to gain experiences.” Being a gardener, patiently planting seeds and allowing nature to take its course, rewards better than being a driver speeding to get to an appointment.

    Eventually, however, no matter how patient we are, obstacles and challenges arise that ruffle our feathers. Mindfulness, awareness, kindness, and compassion practices do not simply work in a linear fashion: x amount of time and effort yields y results. They involve ongoing exploration of how we see ourselves, the world around us, and our relationships. They challenge preconceived views and fixations. They turn us toward life’s ups and downs, rather than away from them. They take us to difficult places.

    Supporting Each Other

    This is where support from someone outside yourself who can hear you and what’s going on in your mind—not a generic mind—can make a difference. This is where a teacher can provide true education: drawing out what’s inside us and leading us on a journey, not a journey that is prepackaged in a book or on an app, but a journey we cocreate. It’s not a paved road. It’s a trail that we must blaze—with help.

    As longtime meditation teacher and author of You Belong: A Call for Connection, Sebene Selassie, says, while some people are “natural self-teachers, most of us benefit from guidance and instruction… We’re not practicing to become super-meditators. We’re practicing to gain some insight and wisdom. So, I’ve found it’s definitely helpful to have some insightful and wise people around.”

    Such wise and insightful people come in various forms. They can simply be fellow practitioners with whom we have common cause and a developing bond of trust. They may be in a local group (formal or informal) or online, perhaps supported by an occasional gathering at a group program or retreat.

    Finding human beings to support our practice, either as fellow travelers or teachers, may not be an easy prospect. It depends to a certain degree on the availability of teachers and practitioners who are compatible with the kind of path you would like to follow. For most of the history of meditation practice, it has been transmitted largely through religious organizations. The methods of teaching and supporting practitioners varied from tradition to tradition, but they have included everything from simple fellowship to intense forms of followership, with students taking very explicit directions from teachers in the form of commands, supported by vows on the part of students. As these religious traditions undergo many changes in the modern era, non-religious ways of teaching and practicing mindfulness and related practices have broken through. The expansion of these forms of practice is the reason that Mindful and mindful.org were founded.

    Secular forms of practice have been happening explicitly for about 40 years, so while there are a fair number of teachers, this movement has not developed to the point that there are many secular places to go on retreat with an optimal ratio of teachers at varying levels of ability to students, which would allow for widespread, ongoing individual attention. The supply of teachers is growing, but nowhere near as fast as the number of people interested in taking up meditation. And someone doesn’t become a teacher overnight. Think of wine—it can take decades for a vintage to become finely aged, and not every wine is up to the task. Still, many are very drinkable on the way to becoming fine. Teachers are like that—mastery may be decades off, but many have wisdom and insights to share even at early stages.

    Support from someone outside yourself who can hear you and what’s going on in your mind—not a generic mind—can make a difference. This is where a teacher can provide true education: drawing out what’s inside us and leading us on a journey.

    As many teachers have noted, people often come to a weekend program, go on a retreat, or take a mindfulness-based course such as MBSR, and then drift away, without finding the ongoing support—and human interaction—they need to truly integrate mindfulness into their lives. Mark Leonard of Mindfulness Connected, who played a key role in establishing the Oxford Mindfulness Centre, believes that the lack of ongoing connection with others, in favor of a kind of private mindfulness, cuts us off from more profound effects at both the personal and societal level. Presenting at the 2020 Mindful Society conference, he emphasized that “well-being is a social function, it’s not a psychological process.”

    I look at the guidance we receive from others on the path of meditation as coming at three different levels, with each a bit more intimate and intensified, and placing more trust in the teacher: fellowship, mentorship, leadership. The lines between them are not hard and fast, and one is not better than another. They work together.

    3 Levels of Mindful Guidance

    1. Fellowship

    As I mentioned above, we already have a teacher—in fact, many teachers—in the form of resources full of instruction and insightful guidance available via so many channels. But one of the principal elements we need is something that keeps us coming back to meditation regularly, and in this case, fellow meditators can make a great difference. As we get trapped in old habit patterns or fall into ruts, lose our inspiration to keep going, or start to feel we’re the only one who has difficulties, connection with meditating friends—in person, online, or both—can make all the difference.

    It’s not that we’re all leaning on each other so that we’ll all fall down together. Rather, we help each other stand on our own two feet, as it were. We may do retreats together or find ways to integrate practice in other areas of life, such as starting a mindfulness program in a local school or hospital. There is great power in learning together.

    Tara Healey, program director for mindfulness-based learning at Harvard Pilgrim Health Care, is a strong believer in the efficacy of ongoing small doses of support, because as she says, “Mindfulness is self-correcting. As we go off course, it will guide us, as will our fellow meditators and friends. The ability to appreciate the quiet and listen to how you’re being guided gets clearer and clearer the more you practice. The practice itself serves you the life lessons you need.”

    Fellowship, being in community with others, becomes an important foundation for going forward on the path of meditation, because it gradually encourages us to think less of mindfulness as a personal pursuit and more as collective pursuit, the social well-being that Mark Leonard talks about.

    Caverly Morgan, who founded Peace in Schools in Portland, Oregon, and established the groundbreaking for-credit Mindful Studies course in the high schools there, is committed to encouraging students to find how the personal expands into a greater whole, how mutual awareness leads to mutual understanding:

    In the same way a teen experiences a sense of empowerment by discovering that she, he, or they can direct their attention to the moment versus a conditioned internal story, we have the capacity to do so collectively. The result: collective empowerment. When we are practiced at seeing where and how our attention moves personally, internally, in the privacy of our own minds, it becomes easy to see how our attention moves and is directed collectively. In our communities. In our culture. In our world.

    2. Mentorship

    At the level of mentorship, there is much more personal give-and-take with a teacher. It may also occur in a group, but is also often enhanced by one-on-one time. Many of us have experienced an inspiring talk by a teacher, perhaps to a crowd of hundreds or even thousands—what some people call “the sage on the stage.” That’s OK for getting an inspirational boost, but a mentor comes down off the stage and sits down with you at eye level, for extended periods.

    The way that meditation mentors lead people is probably best described as facilitation. It can happen at an individual level, but quite often it occurs in small group programs, such as MBSR or MBCT or any meditation class, really, where personal instruction and group work combine. Facilitating is the act of making it possible for students to find their way. While in fellowship, there is a danger of incestuousness and group think, mentors can cut through that, since part of their role is to draw our habit patterns out into the light, to be examined with care in a safe space.

    The skillful means that effective mentors use to facilitate learning are too many to enumerate. They’re inexhaustible, in fact, since they often emerge creatively in the moment, so the marks of effective mentorship are often spontaneity, humor, and a sense of play. While mindfulness involves work, a good mentor conveys that it is definitely not drudgery.

    While the skillful methods are endless, two examples—inquiry and stewardship—may help to convey what these kinds of skills are about.

    Patricia Rockman, MD—senior director of education and clinical services at the Centre for Mindfulness Studies in Toronto, and co-author of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy: Embodied Presence and Inquiry in Practice—is one of the foremost articulators of the power of inquiry, which she describes as “an interactive process, a reflective process, on an experience that has just occurred.” She goes on to say that “what we’re trying to do… is enhance people’s ability to be with their direct experience versus what we normally do, which is to immediately have interpretations, ideas, conclusions, judgments about our experience.” In addition, she says that inquiry enhances people’s “capacity to reflect on the unfolding nature of experience and learn to track that experience without running off into storytelling or narrative or other ideas and conclusions.”

    Rockman also points out that encouraging people to inquire about what’s happening moment to moment in their minds helps them “develop a language of experience, a vocabulary of experience—whether that’s describing their sensations, being able to describe their thoughts versus analyzing them, being able to name emotions in an attempt to manage them better and make them less overwhelming, and to begin to see how the body is a source of information” and the place where the sensory correlates of emotion (such as a tightening chest, when we are anxious) reside.

    The marks of effective mentorship are often spontaneity, humor, and a sense of play. While mindfulness involves work, a good mentor conveys that it is definitely not drudgery.

    Don McCown, co-author of Teaching Mindfulness: A Practical Guide for Clinicians and Educators, has written extensively about the process of teaching mindfulness, particularly in small groups. In a chapter in Resources for Teaching Mindfulness: An International Handbook, he talks about how, in his view, the primary skill of a mindfulness teacher mentoring small groups is to be a steward who tends to the atmosphere of the class.

    While McCown acknowledges the atmosphere in a room may seem like a vague notion, still, he says, “We all walk into the room and know, through body sensation and affect, that the atmosphere is tense, or friendly, or calm, or maybe a little sad.” In fact, he goes on to say that “a group can agree on, and even engage in dialogue about, what it is like in the room at a particular moment.”

    A skilled teacher of mindfulness-based programs is the steward of this quality of atmosphere, “tracking the unfolding of a class session moment by moment,” paying mindful attention to something that is “evident not only to teachers but also to participants, making it a valuable and valid measure for the relational state of the group.” In this way, the quality of a mindfulness group is something the teacher and the group give rise to together.

    In stewardship, McCown points out, the teacher uses all the care at their disposal to pay attention to the setting, how people relate to each other, the interplay between silence and talking, maintaining ethical behavior, and a number of other elements. In this way, he says, “Atmosphere not only teaches participants, it teaches the teacher.”

    3. Leadership

    The ultimate—and the most intimate—level of teaching is when the teacher transmits, rather than simply teaches. Transmitting is embodying and sharing, most often by example, whatever understanding a teacher has. It’s not a highfalutin idea. In fact, quite the opposite. We see transmission happening in the most mundane of places. In describing a French baker he studied with, Bill Buford wrote in the New Yorker recently:

    For Bob, farms were the “heart of Frenchness.” His grandfather had been a farmer. Every one of the friends he would eventually introduce me to were also the grandchildren of farmers. They felt connected to the rhythm of plows and seasons, and were beneficiaries of a knowledge that had been in their families for generations. When Bob described it, he used the word transmettre, with its sense of “to hand over”—something passed between eras.

    A teacher committed to transmission cares little about their own stature as a teacher. Like the master baker, they care only about the results, the quality of the bread. They long to see students bake bread even better than they could bake. They don’t seek acolytes, a kind of permanent one-upmanship. They seek colleagues. They wish not merely to teach students but to learn together with them.

    In so doing, like a good martial arts master, they will challenge the student to find the way by themselves. They also pay close attention to what’s going on with you, always alert to teachable moments, to turning points and possibilities for opening. It’s like the Deacon says in Season 4 of the HBO series The Wire: “A good church man is always up in everybody’s shit. It’s how we do.”

    Their main tool is rarely the simple answer and more often the hanging question. Steve Hickman, executive director of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion and a longtime mindfulness teacher, spoke with me recently about how the most powerful teaching involves highly attentive listening and probing: “Students benefit the most not from simply having their questions answered,” he said, “but from seeing the example of your ongoing warmth, curiosity, and attention, as you listen and inquire, so they find handholds and pathways of their own. Then, they are empowered, not just taught.”

    The mark of the teacher’s work succeeding is that the world itself and your circumstances become the teacher. When you have a setback, such as a financial loss or the death of a friend, there may be less discursive mental drama surrounding the event. It becomes more a message to you of how to let go further of the story of what you have to have, to find more simplicity. If in the midst of being isolated in a pandemic, your partner tells you, “I wish you would clean up more after yourself,” you may skip the steps of resisting or beating up on yourself, and simply see the opportunity for attention and mindfulness and kindness to reach into more areas of your life.

    You yourself may begin to become a teacher, even simply because of your example. You may become a great source of fellowship to others, and even a mentor and leader. Your interactions with your teachers, your friends, even strangers—the grocery clerk or a fellow passenger on the subway—and yes, those you fiercely oppose, have a tendency to draw you out of your shell of self-cherishing. You are more vulnerable and yet more resilient and confident. Every day brings discoveries, as if you’ve baked a fresh loaf of aromatic bread to share with the world. These messages from the outside are really messages from the inside, what you’ve internalized from your teachers, your friends, and your experiences. The inherent brilliance of your natural state of being is drawn out.

    That is real education.

    Where to Find a Meditation Teacher

    ACCESS MBCT is an international listing of mental health professionals who are committed to excellence in the delivery, training, and dissemination of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy.

    The International Mindfulness Teachers Association is a certification and accrediting body and membership organization that includes a member directory of Certified Mindfulness Teachers and Accredited Mindfulness Teacher Training Programs.

    Mindful Directory Ltd—a collaboration with mindful.org—is a platform where mindfulness teachers and other professionals register their credentials and list their events.

    The Mindfulness Center at Brown University maintains a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) Teacher Recognition List, which includes teachers who have provided appropriate documentation of their teaching credentials.

    Mindful Leader offers an MBSR Certified Teacher Directory provided to the organization by the University of Massachusetts Medical School, which has verified the credentials of the teachers listed.

    Your Guide to Finding the Best Mindfulness Teacher 

    The next step toward deepening your mindfulness practice may be finding a teacher that can offer you new insights. In our easy-to-use guide, we’ve outlined what to look for in a mindfulness teacher, and how to find the right one for you.
    Read More 

    • Mindful Staff
    • September 21, 2020

    How Mindfulness Teachers Can Build Brave Space 

    Mindful self-compassion teacher Steve Hickman offers advice for his fellow teachers to lovingly acknowledge the turbulence of their own hearts, and those of their students, during times where compassionate presence and action are needed more than ever.
    Read More 

    • Steven Hickman
    • July 8, 2020



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  • A Meditation for Finding a Middle Way When We Are In Pain

    A Meditation for Finding a Middle Way When We Are In Pain

    In this guided meditation, longtime meditation teacher and pain expert Vidyamala Burch offers a tender practice to help us be with our whole selves with openness and kindness, even when we are experiencing pain.

    Being in pain makes being present extra challenging.

    On a physical level, being in the present moment while our body is in pain is often extremely unpleasant. There is a part of us, understandably, that wishes we could escape from it entirely.

    At the same time, the experience of pain itself can be overwhelming—to our senses, our thoughts, our emotions. It can feel like drowning, when what we long for is just a moment of peace to rest in.

    In today’s guided meditation, longtime meditation teacher and pain expert Vidyamala Burch offers a tender practice to find a middle way—one that doesn’t veer into denial or give in to overwhelm, but rather allows all that is happening to be gently met, as Vidyamala says, with “wholeness, integration, and kindliness.”

    A Meditation for Finding a Middle Way When We Are In Pain

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. Start by establishing a meditation posture. You can do it sitting; you can do it lying down. The main thing is to choose a position where you can be as relaxed as possible and yet alert. Once you’ve chosen your position, begin to settle. Allow the weight of the body to rest down into the support beneath you. If you’re sitting, it’ll be through the bottom, into the chair, through the feet, into the floor. For lying down, it’ll be through the back of the body, into the bed or the floor, and then the head resting into the pillow or cushion. 
    2. See if you can cultivate a sense of rest, allowing the body to be held. Let go of gripping. Receive the support of whatever’s beneath you. To help this, you could take a few deep breaths and then on each outbreath release a little bit more, letting the next in-breath flow back in in its own time. 
    3. With each in-breath, breathe in freshness and vitality. With each out-breath, let go of gripping. When you’re ready, allow your breathing to find its own natural rhythm. Allow your awareness to pour out of the head, where it so often seems to be located, and feel the body resting inside the movements and sensations of breathing.  
    4. Allow your awareness to fill in the body a little bit more. Let it pour down through the torso, through the hips, feet, and legs. We’re not looking in from the outside or thinking about the legs and the feet as a concept or an object. Rather, we’re resting inside sensations of contact with the floor, with the chair, or the bed. Maybe there’s a sense of tingling, buzzing energy. Maybe there’s dullness or numbness. Whatever our experience is, allowing awareness to fill the feet and the legs. If there’s pain or discomfort, see if we can meet this with an attitude of kindliness and care, softening automatic habits of resistance and tension. Allow awareness to come to the buttocks, letting the buttocks be soft, resting into the chair, into the bed.   
    5. Allow awareness to fill the whole torso—including the belly, the chest, the front and the whole back of the body and the back, the whole spine. Have a sense of the torso opening a little bit in all directions on the in-breath and subsiding on the outbreath. Be careful not to force or strain. Receive on an in-breath, letting go on the outbreath. Again, if you’ve got pain or discomfort anywhere in the back or the front of the whole torso, see if you can allow it into awareness with an attitude of care and kindliness. Let it be part of our experience, softening the resistance and the automatic tension that can so quickly arise. 
    6. Now bring awareness to the shoulders, arms, and hands. Let your hands be supported, resting on the legs or in the lap if sitting. Rest them at the sides of the body, palm upwards (if lying down) or on the legs, palm downwards (if sitting). Let go of gripping in the arms with tension, just letting them rest into gravity. Let the shoulders fall away from the midline of the body into gravity. Allow shoulders, arms, and hands to be full of awareness. This might show up as discomfort, tingling, heat. It could be sensing the contact with clothes, contact with the surface the hands are resting on. Receive all this into awareness with kindliness. 
    7. Now come up through the arms and up to the neck and the head. If you’re sitting, let the head be poised on the top of the spine, maybe tucking the chin in just a tiny bit, so there’s a release through the base of the skull and yet openness in the throat. If you’re lying down, see if you can let the weight of the head be fully held by the pillow or the cushion. Let go of holding on, gripping in the head, letting it rest. Let the jaw be soft, the lips and tongue be soft so the wind of the breath can flow freely through the back of the throat on the way into the body and then back out again on the way out of the body. Let the cheeks be soft, eyes soft, forehead soft. We could imagine the brain resting inside the head softly. 
    8. See if you can feel into the physicality of the head. So often the head can feel split off from the body. The head is just a thought factory, and then the body’s just this kind of thing that we drag through life. But the head is a limb of the body, just like the arms and the legs. Sense the feelings, the sensations in the head. Temperature, tingling, buzzing, softness, maybe even contact with the air brushing against the skin.  
    9. See if you can have a sense of wholeness in the legs, torso, arms, neck, and face. This experience of embodiment, moment by moment by moment, the flow of sensations in the whole body arising and passing, arising and passing.  
    10. If you’ve got pain or discomfort right now, let’s attend to that part of the body. Take your awareness to that part of the body and notice if it’s surrounded by resistance or hardness. Let’s see if we can find this sweet spot between denial on the one hand and overwhelm on the other. Denial will be a kind of turning away, a hardening and not wanting, a pushing away. Maybe there’s a little bit of breath holding. Maybe there’s tension in the head, tension in the bottom. If you notice that, then see if you can turn a little bit more towards the experience, metaphorically speaking, adding it into awareness a little bit more, very gently and tenderly, breath by breath. Let it be part of this flow of experience in the whole body. Breathe into that area and imagine that the breath is bathed in kindliness.  
    11. If, on the other hand, you’re feeling overwhelmed, the only thing in experience is the pain or the difficulty. The practice here is to broaden. Feel the bottom on the chair or the bed. Feel the support beneath us. Feel breath in the whole body. Feel the whole range of sensations in the whole body. The pain is just one aspect of this multifaceted experience of being alive right now. If you notice yourself hardening up again, tensing, turning away, suppressing, denying, blocking—use awareness to interrupt that process and soften. Relax the palms. Relax the hands. Come closer. Breathe kindly. 
    12. This is a training in wholeness, integration, and kindliness. We’re able to be with all of our experience with presence and kindliness. If we have a wound, we broaden. If we’re blocking off, we come closer. That is the practice. Our awareness is dynamic, subtle, receptive, fluid. 
    13. You can keep on practicing if you’d like to, but I’ll bring this guided meditation to a close. Let’s bring the weight of the body to the foreground of awareness, feeling, resting into the support beneath us. Feel breathing in the whole body. Broaden awareness to be aware of sounds around your environment. Open the eyes if they’ve been closed. Bring a tiny bit of movement into the body, maybe the fingers and the toes or some other part of the body. Notice any tendency to immediately halt the breath and immediately start pushing and rushing. Stay inside this subtle movement with a soft brow. And when you’re ready, come into bigger movement. In your own time, reengage with the activities of the day.



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  • 4 Ways Mindfulness Helps Us Find Our Way Through the Dark

    4 Ways Mindfulness Helps Us Find Our Way Through the Dark

    No matter what your political persuasion is, it’s hard to avoid the feeling that we’re living in a time of chaos, pain, and carnage—with many people saying it’s a “dark” time that has made them feel anxious and helpless. Many of us feel we want to do something, but we don’t know what to do on the larger stage and we’re not sure what to do for ourselves and those around us. Many people have raised the question of whether and how meditation, mindfulness, and awareness can help us right now. It can seem almost puny against such massive forces.

    If it couldn’t help us now, though, what good would it be?

    Before helping us with what to do, though, mindfulness first helps us with how to be. And it seems that’s where we need to start. When times are tough, we need to go back to square one.

    Before helping us with what to do, mindfulness first helps us with how to be. That’s where we need to start.

    4 Ways Mindfulness Can Help Us Right Now

    1. Be in the Body

    One of the first facets of mindfulness meditation practice to appreciate, especially in times of great stress and fear, is that it grounds us in our body. When we take in difficult news, either near at hand (a loved one dying of cancer) or from afar (such as news of war over the internet or on TV), our connection to our body can weaken. It can even feel like we leave our body. In such a condition, freed from the gravitational pull, our mind begins to race. We’re more influenced by what our mind projects than by our immediate perception of our surroundings. When our mind is galloping off, even just a little close attention to our breathing while feeling the weight of our body pulling us to earth can bring our mind back home.

    One of the phenomena that takes us away so easily, of course, is media. It’s worthwhile (as many of you probably already do) to go on a news diet. Oliver Burkeman, author of Meditations for Mortals—who explores the relationship between how we spend our time and our well-being—counsels us to pay close attention to the time we spend digesting “news.” News, often in the guise of social media nowadays, is designed to activate our emotions more than inform us of need-to-know information. When we start to leave our body in response to “news,” it’s worthwhile to return to the perception of our body, and to appreciate our surroundings. As we notice a bird alighting on a branch, we can absorb a different sense of time: the tree and the bird are not part of the next news cycle. In terms of keeping up with things, Burkeman counsels being “news-resilient” by returning the news to a place where it’s just something you dip into rather than wallow in, and keeping up with what’s going right as well as what’s going wrong. I would add to engage in mindful reading: searching out reading, listening, and viewing that is reflective and thoughtful, that can generate insight, not just fear and panic.

    2. Rest in Choiceless Awareness

    The grounding quality of mindfulness—noticing the details inside and out—opens us up to our innate awareness, a more panoramic view that’s not caught up in chasing down every stray thought. As a result, we can be less reactive, and take a bigger view of space and a longer view of time. This deep kind of awareness is said to be choiceless: we couldn’t be rid of it if we tried.

    Awareness sees our anxiety but is not itself anxious. It manifests a mountain-like settledness, as well as confidence or courage that knows that no matter what happens, awareness goes on. We can rest in it.

    Being grounded in awareness is not about being detached, unfeeling, and uncaring. In fact, it’s awareness that allows us to truly feel—to have a natural reaction to something unpleasant or off-putting, such as a raving egomaniac talking about taking chain saws or wood chippers to things that help vulnerable people—and yet have space and sense of humor around the feeling. Awareness sees our anxiety but is not itself anxious. It manifests a mountain-like settledness, as well as confidence or courage that knows that no matter what happens, awareness goes on. We can rest in it.

    3. Feel the Wonder of Not Knowing

    When we’re sure that we know something, our awareness becomes clouded. Fresh perceptions are filtered through our fixed knowledge. Instead, like the great Zen masters, artist Maira Kalman, one-time Mindful contributor and author most recently of Still Life with Remorse, abides in “not knowing.” It is the source of her artistic practice. As she said to me in an interview, “At the end of the day or the end of a life, everybody ends up saying, ‘I don’t know what I know.’” Rather than responding to “the noise we’re bombarded with every day by those who are trying to unnerve us for our money, forcing us to form reactions and opinions,” we can rest in not knowing. When we allow ourselves to question what we know, and shy away from clinging to fixed opinions, the inquisitive quality of our awareness takes over and we perceive the world more freshly. We can be awestruck by the world’s magic.

    4. Cultivate Compassion and Community

    We can also be awestruck by the world’s pain and horror, and this is where the doing part comes in. Precisely what we do and how we do it naturally varies greatly depending on circumstances. Just as awareness is inherent, so is the basic warmth of compassion, our fellow feeling. It can be obscured, but it’s there for us all.

    Just as awareness is inherent, so is the basic warmth of compassion, our fellow feeling. It can be obscured, but it’s there for us all.

    As we become grounded in our body and rest in awareness, touching in with that warmth can guide us to what we can actually do, where we might have some agency. Not knowing brings with it a humbleness that tells us we can’t fix everything. Since we can’t be sure how things will turn out, we don’t cling to certain outcomes. The great heroes who have championed the causes of the oppressed tend to come from this stance, willing to plant seeds in a garden whose harvest they may never see and committed to—as the popular African-American expression goes—Making a Way Out of No Way.

    Whatever we do, one thing we do know in the deep fiber of our being is that we’re connected unavoidably to others, so finding community is never a bad place to start.



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