Health Journal Online

Category: Mental Health

Curb Your Inner Critic Over the Holidays with Self-Compassion

When we’re caught up in the rush to create the perfect holiday experience, showing ourselves a little self-compassion actually helps us show up for others.

‘Tis the season for self-judgment! During the holidays, the comparing mind kicks into high gear as we measure ourselves against our friends, family, colleagues, as well as the “ghosts” of past and future visions of ourselves and find that we are coming up short. In Charles Dickens’ famous Christmas Carol, the stodgy and stingy Ebenezer Scrooge learns to embrace gratitude and attunement for those around him. How about we take a page from Dickens’ book and not only attune to others this holiday season, but do so toward ourselves as well.

As a clinician, I’ve been trained to spot and address the unhealthy mental habit of repetitive and negatively-toned inner chatter that broils in our minds and bodies from the inside. Rumination (or repetitive and passive thinking about negative emotions) has been shown to predict the chronic nature of depressive disorders as well as anxiety symptoms. Another study suggested that people with a ruminative style of reacting to their low moods were more likely to later show higher levels of depression symptoms. When we ruminate about our shortcomings and failings, we spend too much time in our heads instead of living our lives. We focus on berating ourselves internally instead of actually enjoying the holiday.

When we ruminate about our shortcomings, we spend too much time in our heads instead of living our lives. We focus on berating ourselves internally instead of actually enjoying the holiday.

And it’s not just my patients who ruminate negatively about themselves—it could be me, for instance, telling myself over and over that I’m an “absolute failure” as a therapist for not paying attention to a patient for a split second during a session. Or eviscerating a future version of myself based on a minor faux pas last week. Rumination is the run-on self-talk of the mind that has agitated energy as both its fuel and its output. Ruminative thinking is toxic to our well-being and clarity of mind.

So how do we work with rumination? One way forward is self-compassion. Self-compassion is far more than chasing rainbows and skipping after unicorns. According to psychologist and researcher Kristin Neff, self-compassion is self-kindness (versus self-judgment), combined with a sense of common humanity (versus being alone with what’s hard) and mindfulness (versus being over-identified with bad feelings). Self-compassion is seeing our pain as part of the larger, universal picture of being human, and seeing ourselves as worthy of kindness and care. And it’s not weak or passive, or narcissistic and self-indulgent. It takes guts to practice, and science shows that it can do much to lower anxiety, stress reactions, depression, and perfectionism. It can open you up to your life whereas your old patterns or reaction and self-judgment close you down.

In a 2010 study examining the levels of reported self-compassion, rumination, worry, anxiety, and depression in 271 non-clinical undergraduate students, results suggested that people with higher levels of reported self-compassion are less likely to report depression and anxiety. The data showed that self-compassion may play the role of buffering the effects of rumination. In some of the practices that follow, we learn how to unhook from rumination and cut ourselves (and others) the slack requisite for increasing clarity and ease of being.

Sidestep Self-Judgement: Three Mindful Practices for Self-Compassion

The following brief self-compassion practices are drawn from my co-authored card deck (along with clinicians and authors Chris Willard and Tim Desmond) “The Self-Compassion Deck” (PESI Publishing & Media). What follows are three cards from our deck laid out in a sequence that is intended to help you sidestep the self-judgment/ ruminative cascade and build a foundation of self-compassionate, flexible space—something much needed this time of year!

As with many mindfulness practices, this one is best conducted in a quiet space, with your body in a comfortable, alert posture. Take in a few slow, deep breaths and then read these three cards in order. Pause for 30 seconds or more with each card.

Watch what arises in your body and mind as you come to rest on the words (and underlying meaning) of each practice. Just allow yourself to observe what shows up, and if your mind goes into its loops of rumination, just gently come back to the card and its self-compassionate intentions.

1) Send kind wishes to your past and present self

Pause and take in what emerges for you about giving kind wishes to yourself at various stages of your life. At what points in your life is it easier/ harder to conjure self-kindness?

2) Choose an act of self-care

Notice what ideas show up when you think of what might do to legitimately take care of yourself today. Does your ruminating mind immediately throw up any roadblocks? Any “well, but’s …”? Are you willing to “thank” your mind for sharing these, and do the self-compassionate act anyway?

3) Keep track of how often you criticize yourself vs. encourage yourself

Perhaps your self-compassionate act for today would be to actually do what this last card suggests—keep track of how often you criticize versus encourage yourself. I’m serious: perhaps you could keep track with tally marks on a scrap of paper or on a journal. Being honest and willing to pay attention this closely to yourself is itself a great act of self-compassion. We don’t often give ourselves this much time out of our busy lives. Instead of all the tally marks on holiday to-do lists, perhaps we can tally up our relationship with ourselves?

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December 13, 2024
A 12-Minute Meditation for Tuning Into the Present Soundscape
This week, Melli O’Brien guides us in a practice that invites us to pause and reconnect with the simplicity of being.
In the midst of life’s noise and distractions, this soundscape meditation creates space to step back and truly listen. By exploring the sensations of the body, the natural rhythm of the breath, and the sounds surrounding us, we’re reminded that peace is found in awareness, not in controlling what’s around us.

A Guided Meditation for Tuning Into the Present Soundscape
1. Prepare for this practice by settling into as comfortable a position as you can find. Allow the body to be settled and as relaxed as possible here and at the same time seeing if you can remain upright rather than slouching. Let the way that you place your physical body reflect your intention to be alert and engaged in the practice for the next ten minutes.
2. Allow your eyes to lightly close now, if that feels okay for you, or simply lower your gaze. Then bring awareness into the physical body and into the sensations at the contact points between your body and the surface beneath you. Move awareness in close and explore those sensations at the contact point. Then shift the focus to just feeling that gentle rhythm of the breath moving in the body and how the body is being gently rocked and cradled by the natural breath.
3. Now, expand your attention out from the breath and bring the focus to the sounds all around you in this particular moment. Take in the sounds in all directions. Sounds in front. Sounds behind. To the sides. Above and below. Take in the whole surrounding soundscape at once.
4. As the sounds continue to unfold and change, notice if there’s any tendency to mentally label the sounds as they come, or to judge whether you like them or not. Notice how easily sounds can create a story. If you notice this, see if it’s possible to drop any mental commentary and come back to listening to the sounds themselves. Listen as if hearing for the first time, as if each sound was totally new to you. Observe how each sound arises out of stillness. It unfolds and then dissipates back into stillness. Coming and going, constantly changing. Notice the transient nature of sounds.
5. Now let go of listening to sounds and bring awareness to your internal world of thoughts. No need to try and control your thoughts in any way. Just let them come and go on their own, just as you did with sounds. Thoughts coming and going, like clouds passing across the sky of your awareness. Thoughts arising, unfolding, and dissipating back into stillness.
6. As you continue to be aware of these mental events, notice that these thoughts are coming and going in your awareness. You are the observer, not the thoughts. You can even say that: Here I am watching. I am not the thoughts. I am not the mind.
7. Now see if you can withdraw attention from observing the thoughts and simply sense into the awareness of the silent field in which all things come and go. The awareness that you are. This is not something you can grasp with the mind. You’re sensing into that silent beingness, that silent awareness that’s at the very core of all experience.
8. Now, let yourself relax back into this silent center of your being. Drop into that still, unchanging depth of being. Allow everything else to arise and pass. Let life flow through you. Rest in the depths of being. It’s like you’re way down deep at the bottom of the ocean in this timeless space, and all that’s coming and going is surface phenomena. Things arising and passing, arising in passing.
9. In these last few moments of practice, come back to gently focus on your breathing. Take a long, slow, deep breath in. As you breathe out, begin to wriggle the fingers and toes. Take a moment to notice how you feel after making this time for meditation. When you’re ready, open your eyes.
10. Remember that no matter what happens today, you can always reconnect to the stillness and peace within by just taking a moment of mindfulness. Wishing you a great day.
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December 11, 2024
7 Steps to Relax Your Body

When was the last time you gave your body a break? And we’re not talking about sleep. Take ten minutes and try the body scan practice.

Time: 10–20 minutes

When was the last time you noticed how your body was feeling? Not just when you have a headache or you’re tired or you have heartburn after that spicy taco you ate for lunch. But just noticing how your body is feeling right now, while you’re sitting or standing or lying down. How about noticing how your body feels while you’re sitting in an important meeting or walking down the street or playing with your children?

In our busy, high-tech, low-touch lives, it’s easy to operate detached from our own bodies. They too easily become vessels we feed, water, and rest so they can continue to cart around our brains. We don’t pay attention to the information our bodies are sending us or the effect that forces such as stress are having—until real health problems set in.

Let’s take a small and simple step in the direction of paying our body the attention it is due. Consider spending just a few minutes—every day, if you can—to notice your own physicality. Not to judge your body or worry about it or push it harder at the gym, but to be in it.

Here’s an easy body-scan practice with just 7 steps to relax your body. It will tune you in to your body and anchor you to where you are right now. It will heighten your senses and help you achieve greater levels of relaxation. You can do it sitting in a chair or on the floor, lying down, or standing.

Mindfulness Practice: 7 Steps to Relax Your Body

1. Settle into a comfortable position, so you feel supported and relaxed.

2. Close your eyes if you wish, or leave them open with a soft gaze, not focusing on anything in particular.

3. Rest for a few moments, paying attention to the natural rhythm of your breathing.

4. Once your body and mind are settled, bring awareness to your body as a whole. Be aware of your body resting and being supported by the chair, mattress, or floor.

5. Begin to focus your attention on different parts of your body. You can spotlight one particular area or go through a sequence like this: toes, feet (sole, heel, top of foot), through the legs, pelvis, abdomen, lower back, upper back, chest shoulders, arms down to the fingers, shoulders, neck, different parts of the face, and head.

6. For each part of the body, linger for a few moments and notice the different sensations as you focus.

7. If you get distracted, gently bring your attention back. The moment you notice that your mind has wandered, return your attention to the part of the body you last remember.

If you fall asleep during this body-scan practice, that’s okay. When you realize you’ve been nodding off, take a deep breath to help you reawaken, and perhaps reposition your body (which will also help wake it up). When you’re ready, return your attention to the part of the body you last remember focusing on.

This article also appeared in the February 2014 issue of Mindful magazine.

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December 9, 2024
The Value of Mindfulness Practice: 13 Quotes from Women Leading the Movement

Earlier this year, the Mindful editorial team had the joy of interviewing 10 women leading the charge to make the world a more kind, connected place for our 2025 edition of the Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement feature article. With each conversation, we were inspired by these women’s stories, heartened by their dedication to true compassion, and puzzled over how we were going to fit so much wisdom into such short profiles. Spoiler alert: Despite our best efforts, a lot of great stuff ended up having to be cut. Here, we’re sharing some of their wise words about mindfulness that didn’t make it into the feature, but deserve to be shared.

To learn more about The Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement: 2025, check out the feature article here, and guided meditations by the women here.

13 Quotes About Mindfulness and Meditation

1. “I think the absolute superpower of mindfulness is that it’s always available. We can find mindfulness in any moment. We don’t need any equipment.” – Vidyamala Burch

2. “If you put 50 different brains together in a circle and you look at all of them, they’re all going to be completely different. They’re all going to be thinking and perceiving their environment in individual and unique ways. And they’re all perfect exactly as they are. Same with mindfulness: Every single person who sits down to meditate is doing so through the fabric of their wiring and their brain structure, so it’s going to be different for every single solitary person.” – Sue Hutton

“Every single person who sits down to meditate is doing so through the fabric of their wiring and their brain structure, so it’s going to be different for every single solitary person.”

Sue Hutton

3. “Mindfulness doesn’t have to be all serious, something we only do when we’re stuck or when there’s suffering. We can even play with mindfulness. When we are having a good time, a good conversation, in the good moments when everything is going well for us, we tend to forget about mindfulness.” – Shalini Bahl

4. “What I understand, through my practice, is that we all get the journeys we’re meant to have.” – Nanea Reeves

5. “As a pastor, I believe in this process of mindfulness meditation. You have to own your own space, and so it’s not one-size-fits-all. Everybody approaches it differently. Nevertheless, it’s still mindfulness. It’s still meditation, it’s still tuning in, and it’s still allowing yourself to be present with yourself in the moment. You’re not in control of externals, but you do own the process, your own reckoning, your body structure and system.” – Brenda K. Mitchell

“You have to own your own space, and so it’s not one-size-fits-all. Everybody approaches it differently. Nevertheless, it’s still mindfulness.”

Brenda K. Mitchell

6. “The power of contemplative practice is that it makes us observe what we are bringing, and then question that. Not falling to the inflation of, like, ‘All of what we do is right,’ but rather like, ‘Wait a second, is this truly helpful?’ And if not, what needs to change?” – Yuria Celidwen

7. “Be present. Let go of clinging. Release into flow and love. Breathe in, breathe out. And that’s kind of it, really.” – Vidyamala Burch

8. “When we are disconnected from the humanity of ourselves, we behave in ways that are less humane, and that paves the way to see others not in their humanity.” – Shelly Harrell

9. “The more we can bathe ourselves in self-compassion and realize we’re okay exactly as we are, then we can build that strength, and that gives us a little bit more of a foundation to handle the tough stuff.” – Sue Hutton

10. “Just by sitting in the moment to connect to our breath, to try to shift our mindset to just being grateful for the gift of life—which, you know, a breathing practice will definitely connect you to—even if I don’t feel good about who I am in the world in that moment, the fact that I’m taking that time to approach self-care is an act of self-love.” – Nanea Reeves

“Who we truly are, what we truly are, has been calling us home.”

Caverly Morgan

11. “What we long for is our very being. We are what we’ve been striving after. Who we truly are, what we truly are, has been calling us home. It’s possible, then, to rest in who you are rather than trying to become who you think you should be. So if you meditate to be a better person or to be more compassionate, you’ll always be busy trying to be a better person or trying to be more compassionate. But if you practice mindfulness because you’re just in love with resting in your own luminous, infinite being, you’ll always be in love.” – Caverly Morgan

12. “Clearly, within mindfulness, if we really look at the teachings more deeply, interconnectedness is core, but a lot of the teaching front-facing is how it can help you with stress and be more happy and be more individually not attached to the world in some way…There’s a different vibe you can feel when you’re in spaces that are emphasizing things like detachment and bliss.” – Shelly Harrell

13. “What we call pain is a mixture of all those factors: sensations, resistance, resentment, breath holding, tension, stress, anxiety, fear, all that. And what we can do with mindfulness is we can interrupt that cascade.” – Vidyamala Burch

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December 7, 2024
13 Life Lessons From Women Leading the Mindfulness Movement

Earlier this year, the Mindful editorial team had the joy of interviewing 10 women leading the charge to make the world a more kind, connected place for our 2025 edition of the Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement feature article. With each conversation, we were inspired by these women’s stories, heartened by their dedication to true compassion, and puzzled over how we were going to fit so much wisdom into such short profiles. Spoiler alert: Despite our best efforts, a lot of great stuff ended up having to be cut. Here, we’re sharing some of their wise words and life lessons that didn’t make it into the feature, but deserve to be shared.

To learn more about The Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement: 2025, check out the feature article here, and guided meditations by the women here.

13 Quotes About Life From Women Leading the Mindfulness Movement

1. “Oftentimes being the only woman in the room, working in the video game industry, I could really just drop into the moment because I do an open-eye meditation. No one knows what I’m doing. I can choose to not react to how I might be feeling in that moment in a way that could be self-destructive. And sometimes not speaking up can be self-destructive. So it’s really just learning how to insert that pause, and then make the choice that’s the right one for me in that moment.” – Nanea Reeves

2. “I didn’t start a mindfulness practice because I was interested in Zen Buddhism or enlightenment. I started a mindfulness practice because, to put it bluntly, I had this holy s*** moment of realizing that something had been running my life that I didn’t even know was running it.” – Caverly Morgan

“It’s been awesome to honor the space that belongs to my son, because that piece of me has never left me. The love resides, and we occupy the same space.”

Brenda K. Mitchell

3. “I lost a son to gun violence, and there is an understanding that there will never be a new norm for you. Normal is not something that I look for. It will never happen. But what I did learn to do [through mindful practices] was to create a new narrative for myself that allowed space to be happy. It’s been awesome to honor the space that belongs to my son, because that piece of me has never left me. The love resides, and we occupy the same space.” – Brenda K. Mitchell

4. “What I sometimes say these days is that the highest teaching of all is to relax the bum. Because if you like, you just try it right now. If you relax your bum, it’s very hard to be mentally and physically agitated with a soft bum. The other thing about that that makes it the highest teaching is it’s good humored, because that’s another thing about mindfulness: the more I practice it, the more I realize it’s innately associated with lightheartedness, which I find really interesting because we can think mindfulness would make you a very serious, kind of earnest person.” – Vidyamala Burch

5. “Soul is not a noun, it’s a verb. Soul is experience—of inner aliveness, of being touched and moved and this depth of experience and this real sense of interconnectedness.” – Shelly Harrell

6. “That was a really huge realization for me, that strength is kind of like a skill, like riding a bike or learning to drive a car or learning the steps of a dance, like you can actually learn it and then get competent at it and then it can become like second nature. When I heard that, for me it was like a beacon of hope.” – Melli O’Brien

7. “There’s so much craving. Like when my husband [who has dementia] can speak a whole sentence, I go, ‘Oh wow, good!’ and then when he forgets and gets frustrated in expressing himself, my heart sinks. So all of this is happening and I’m very glad that I’ve got this practice of knowing that all this is human, and going, Can I create space to watch it come and go?” – S. Helen Ma

8. “My late husband was a beautiful meditator, and very traditional. And I feel like our life together informed what I’m building now in a way that, you know, part of his energy is still continuing.” – Nanea Reeves

9. “When the inner critic speaks, we meet that voice with an unconditionally loving reassurance. And it’s really important to acknowledge that reassurances are just a voice that says the opposite of the inner critic. So it’s not responding to the voice that says, You’re not smart enough with another voice that says, You’re the smartest person in the room! An unconditionally loving reassurance says, I love you no matter what. You’re going to have days where you feel like you nailed it and you’re going to have days where you feel like you flopped. And I’m here and worthy, no matter what. That’s where the real healing is.” – Caverly Morgan

“If you want to see me in my fullness, it’s not just on your terms or what makes you comfortable to only see part of me or some fragment of me, but to see the whole me.”

Shelly Harrell

10. “Someone actually told me my blackness was not invited into the meditation space. Like I should detach from that, that that would be a better thing to do, that we all should just not even see race, so to speak. That is not the message that is going to make mindfulness inclusive to a diverse population whose real lived experience says, This is what’s happening. If you want to see me in my fullness, it’s not just on your terms or what makes you comfortable to only see part of me or some fragment of me, but to see the whole me.” – Shelly Harrell

11. “I was so broken, and the trauma changed everything about me. I didn’t want to see another mother go through that. But I’m so grateful to become this new person that I am. I’m still thriving, and I’m still learning. I’m happily on a mindfulness meditation journey and sharing that healing journey with other people.” – Brenda K. Mitchell

12. “The reason I started this work, and the reason I continue this work, is thinking back to when I was a 25-year-old young woman lying in a hospital bed and being told there wasn’t anything medically that could be done to help me. My back was damaged in such ways that there was no medical solution and I had to figure it all out for myself, how to create a good life with this body. For, you know, a lot of that time it has been very lonely and difficult so I’ve always thought, If I can help one person have an easier time of it, then that is my life’s work. The fact is, it’s now hundreds of thousands of people who have learned this superpower where any given moment you have this choice: Do you crank your pain up or do you dial it down? It’s so accessible. It’s just amazing.” – Vidyamala Burch

13. “Dance became a place, particularly when I started choreographing, that was a refuge. It was a place where I could connect deeply to my body and allow my body to be a mode of expression. It was a place I could come home to. I very much began to experience my body as home. Coming home to my somatic experience was part of what dance did. Coming home but also allowing expression of whatever that inner experience was, it came out through movement and so movement became meditation.” – Shelly Harrell

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December 5, 2024
12 Quotes About Compassion By Mindfulness Teachers

Earlier this year, the Mindful editorial team had the joy of interviewing 10 women leading the charge to make the world a more kind, connected place for our 2025 edition of the Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement feature article. With each conversation, we were inspired by these women’s stories, heartened by their dedication to true compassion, and puzzled over how we were going to fit so much wisdom into such short profiles. Spoiler alert: Despite our best efforts, a lot of great stuff ended up having to be cut. Here, we’re sharing some of their wise words that didn’t make it into the feature, but deserve to be shared.

To learn more about The Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement: 2025, check out the feature article here, and guided meditations by the women here.

12 Inspirational Quotes About Compassion

1. “If the backbone of compassion stands that we want all beings to benefit from these practices, then that includes the vast array of wiring and diversity of people that we have in this world.” – Sue Hutton

2. “As research shows, we feel empathy naturally for people who are in the in-group and for not the outgroup, so that’s where the practice of compassion comes in. We cannot just rely on our human instincts to feel compassion, because we live in a world where people have different identities, different worldviews, different cultures and habits. Especially right now with social media creating more divisiveness, actively cultivating compassion becomes really important.” – Shalini Bahl

“Compassion is very clear-eyed. It’s not sentimental, it’s very clear-eyed and wise and objective.”

Vidyamala Burch

3. “Compassion is very clear-eyed. It’s not sentimental, it’s very clear-eyed and wise and objective.” – Vidyamala Burch

4. “The goal of meditation is not focus. It’s not calm. Those are avenues. The goal is ultimately to get to present awareness, and then we become aware of how we treat others, the impact we’re having. We can make adjustments in real time where we can expand who we are, expand our compassion, expand our impact on the world.” – Nanea Reeves

5. “The ethics of belonging pushes us to question those narratives that we have created, those cultural narratives, and then also our own idea of self, into then breaking that pattern of not seeing life in everything that is, or every being that is—and then approaching all of our experiential life and all phenomena as our kin.” – Yuria Celidwen

“I think when we are really mindful, we can’t help but be compassionate.”

S. Helen Mall

6.“I think when we are really mindful, we can’t help but be compassionate.” – S. Helen Ma

7. “The work of self-compassion is incredibly transformative work. But some people approach it from the perspective of, I’m going to get these practices and tools that will help me become a better person. There’s a tinge of self-improvement. In my experience, compassion is not something that we have to strive to get, that we either succeed or fail at. It is a byproduct of resting as ourselves.” – Caverly Morgan

8. “Disconnection is reflected in dehumanization, in disengagement, and in domination—all these ways oppression and traumas pull us out of our connection to ourselves, to humanity…The idea of reconnection is the path.” – Shelly Harrell

9. “If you’re going on a journey with someone, what kind of person do you want to go on a journey with? It’s really hard to enjoy the journey when there’s somebody in the seat beside you heckling you, putting you down, and telling you you’re not enough all the time. You’ll be a much nicer companion for your journey through life if you’re supportive and kind and respectful and encouraging.” – Melli O’Brien

“How do we learn to listen to the world, to the whole living, beautiful mother planet that we inhabit?”

Yuria Celidwen

10. “Even when we may feel emotionally aroused or disinterested, we can still sit there to listen to others. And by others, I don’t only mean other human experiences, but rather the whole natural thing. How do we learn to listen to the world, to the whole living, beautiful mother planet that we inhabit?” – Yuria Celidwen

11. “We can use all kinds of words and feel warm and fuzzy in ourselves—which is a start, to warm our own hearts through practice—but compassion and love have to have a connected quality where we also care about how it’s expressed, how it lands, and how it’s experienced. It’s that distinction between intention and impact. We can have the greatest intentions and the impact can still be harmful.” – Shelly Harrell

12. “For me personally, not just mindfulness, but self-compassion equally has been an absolute super power in my life because I can’t do anything that I’m doing in this world, I can’t share my gifts with the world, if I’m hooked by a voice in my head that that’s just like Everything I do sucks.” – Melli O’Brien

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December 3, 2024
2025 Annual Issue: Bonus Material

Get the latest on everything mindfulness

Our free newsletter delivers updates on the science of mindfulness, guided mindfulness meditation practices from leading teachers, special offers, and rich content to support your mindful growth.

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December 1, 2024
12 Minute Meditation

Get the latest on everything mindfulness

Our free newsletter delivers updates on the science of mindfulness, guided mindfulness meditation practices from leading teachers, special offers, and rich content to support your mindful growth.

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November 29, 2024
Decluttering—Outside and Inside – Mindful

Sorting through and letting go of physical objects we no longer need teaches us about all the things we’re holding onto. As Barry Boyce realizes, it can also help us find kinder, wiser ways of decluttering our mind.

Every Friday for the past two months, together with a couple of friends I’ve enlisted, I’ve been spending half the day going through stuff and sending it away—either to donation bins, friends, recycling, or the landfill. Don’t get me wrong. This is not a Marie Kondo-type thing. I’ve got a long way to go before my place would reach the pinnacle of utter simplicity she asks us to aspire to.

I’m also not a hoarder, though. I’m just a middle-of-the-pack accumulator of stuff who has lived in the same place for 35 years, where we’ve raised some children, had some home offices, and indulged my predilection for kitchen gadgetry.

I’ve done several purges before, but this one I’ve been putting off for far too long, surrounded by nests of stuff beckoning to me: What’s going to happen to me when you’re gone. When I told some friends about it, they put me on to Margareta Magnusson’s book with the gruesome title The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter. Yikes. I could not bring myself to label what I was doing as Swedish Death Cleaning. That’s just a little too on the nose.

I also learned from friends who blazed this path before me that there’s lots of stuff nobody, including my children, wants. They don’t want the furniture I inherited from my parents (too old fashioned and no room for it anyway in the smaller-footprint places they live in), and their lifestyle has little to do with heirloom china, silver, and crystal. An article in Forbes confirmed that I’m far from alone. Apparently, says the magazine, all my furniture is lumped under the category of “brown pieces,” and nobody wants old brown pieces.

This time around, though, I haven’t even gotten to the furniture: I was drowning in shelves and shelves of books, ancient records, mementos and souvenirs, old clothes and shoes, orphaned pieces of hardware, toys and games, and small mountains of obsolete electronics and mysterious cords and connectors. At times, when I wasn’t pulling my hair out trying to decide what to keep and what to discard (thank heaven for having friends there to break me out of that trance), I could crack a smile and remember George Carlin’s bit on stuff:

A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you’re taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody’s got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff … That’s what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get…more stuff!

In the middle of all this something surprising happened. Something kind of wonderful. I started to see past the stuff, to understand that objects take on meaning we cling to, but when that meaning is stripped away it becomes what it is: simply stuff. It’s the Buddhist principle of emptiness, which isn’t about a gaping black void, but rather about how the things of our world are empty of the deep meaning we attach to them. That old sweatshirt I loved so much is now nothing more than a rag

Then, there’s the stuff of the mind, and that’s where the wonderful part comes in. Just as our worldly abode collects clutter, so too does our mental abode. It fills up with old ideas and viewpoints, grudges, regrets, hates and loves, opinions and mythologies, and memories of things we’ve done wrong that we sweep under the rug. Stuff we may not have looked at in a long time. But make no mistake: It’s there and it can guide our behavior.

It can be just as valuable, and probably more so, to do some “Swedish Death Cleaning” with the clutter in our mind. As I started to embrace this fact—not for the first time in my life but more so this time—I began to appreciate the lightening and freedom that can come from going through my old mental stuff and doing some aerating and discarding. Every spiritual tradition has some form of going through your stuff, often called confession or atonement, and twelve-step programs ask one to make a “searching and fearless moral inventory.”

Just as our worldly abode collects clutter, so too does our mental abode. It fills up with old ideas and viewpoints, grudges, regrets, hates and loves, opinions and mythologies, and memories of things we’ve done wrong that we sweep under the rug. Stuff we may not have looked at in a long time.

Just how we approach the old mental stuff we’re holding is critically important, though.

For the icky and even ugly stuff we unearth, it’s so easy to beat ourselves up about it, which we falsely think will help matters. In fact, though, we need to forgive first, because if we don’t, the aggression we wield blocks out the light we need to shine on what we’ve done and how we’ve been holding it. If we get past the knee-jerk aggressive response, we may be able to see what we can learn from the past, repair anything that may be reparable, and then send that old mental stuff to the recycling bin.

Decluttering the place where you live can bring spaciousness into your home. Decluttering what’s clogging up your mind lets space into every corner of your life.

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November 27, 2024
10 Mindfulness Lessons for Hard Times

10 things you learn from having a mindfulness practice that help foster resilience in the face of whatever life brings.

Here’s what I know from my practice. I know that:

1. Things change. Emotions change, thoughts change, the breath changes. Nothing is static. And ideologies change; political movements come and go. And if I try to hold on to the way I think things are supposed to be, I will surely suffer.

2. That doesn’t mean I can’t have opinions. It is not UN-mindful to deeply want the world to be a certain way.

3. It’s normal to feel any emotion right now: despair, betrayal, outrage, loss… Someone else is feeling elation, joy, and righteousness. Or maybe you’re feeling nothing—shock or numbness. Mindfulness tells us to be open to any emotion as it is part of the human condition. But the more important question is, how can I practice with it?

4. Practicing with my emotions means—feeling them in my body in vivo. Can I feel my stomach clenched? Can I feel my heart racing? What is happening right in this moment, in my body? When I can feel it, without trying to change it, I can allow the emotion to be. I can make space for it, without getting overwhelmed.

5. The same with thoughts: When I’m entangled in my worries for my child, or my worst-case scenarios, I can remember to return to the present moment. What do I feel right here, right now? My toes on the floor. My breath in my belly. That’s all there is right now. I can prevent thoughts from snowballing out of control just by returning to the present moment.

6. Equanimity—balance and even-mindedness are the fruit of mindfulness practice. The more I sit with my inner experience without reactivity, the more I foster resilience in the face of whatever life brings.

The more I sit with my inner experience without reactivity, the more I foster resilience in the face of whatever life brings.

7. This does not mean I don’t act. That is a misunderstanding. It means that I do act, but act with awareness. When I act out of anger or fear, I’m not usually happy with the results. I know this. Acting from equanimity leads to wiser and more skillful actions. But I need to take my time with this. Appropriate action may not be evident immediately.

8. Peace begins with me. The peace activist A. J. Muste said, “There is no way to peace, peace is the way.” The only way to promote peace is to be it. Now. Through my practice.

9. Having my meditation practice is the single healthiest thing I can do right now. Having a place to cultivate more capacity to accept change, work with my emotions and thoughts, and cultivate equanimity is what is going to get me through.

10. Kindness is what matters. In our deeply divisive world, so many of us are at odds with each other. It’s time for us to practice regular acts of kindness—to listen deeply to ourselves and to others. Our meditation practice teaches us not to turn people into enemies, that we are all connected. Can we dig deep within us to find a way to kindness, even in polarized times? I know we can.

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Let Your Practice Guide You Beyond Crisis Mode

While many of us lean on mindfulness to help us through times of inner and outer chaos, we can cultivate the greatest resilience through consistency in our practice, even when it doesn’t feel urgent.

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November 25, 2024