Health Journal Online

Category: Mental Health

  • How to Model Mindfulness When Talking to Kids

    How to Model Mindfulness When Talking to Kids

    Kids are highly perceptive—so how can we give them feedback while also modeling mindfulness, calm, and kindness? Mindfulness Director and educator Alex Tzelnic shares tried-and-true tips for effective, mindful communication, whether in the classroom or at home.

    Summary

    • Modeling mindfulness when we communicate with kids and students is a research-backed educational tool.
    • Giving wise feedback is a framework for encouraging students’ learning, without the sense they’re being criticized.
    • Teachers can create a Mindful Language Cheat Sheet with go-to phrases for clarity, calm, and kindness.

    As much as we might like to believe that growing up involves possessing wisdom, kids have a way of undermining that perception. Think of how often our most well-intentioned advice is met with a dramatic eye roll. It can even feel like sarcasm is the primary purpose of eyeballs, with sight being just a byproduct, particularly if it is unsolicited feedback you’ve deigned to offer up.

    Yet kids are also often in need of feedback. Without feedback they would be in danger of losing the eyes they are so adept at rolling (“Don’t run with scissors!”). Of course, their job is to test boundaries, and our job as educators and caregivers is to nudge them toward navigating those boundaries independently without letting them fall off the cliff. It can be a delicate balance.

    As a Mindfulness Director at a PK-8 school, I often think about the ways we communicate with students and how language can be such a powerful way to model mindfulness.

    What Happens When Teachers Model Mindfulness?

    At the start of this school year, I shared with the faculty at my school just how impactful our communication styles can be. I related one of my favorite studies on mindfulness. It involved 599 high school students, and took place over the course of the year. The study found that students that had merely perceived their teachers as more mindful at the start of the year showed greater development in mindfulness and compassion by the end of the year.

    The point I was trying to make was that one doesn’t have to have a deeply developed personal practice to have an impact on student well-being. As someone trying to encourage teachers to incorporate mindfulness into their classrooms, I wanted to let them know their ability to implicitly model mindfulness might be more powerful than any explicit mindfulness lessons. After all, teaching your own curriculum is challenging in and of itself, and people feel uncomfortable implementing a tool that is not part of their own personal repertoire. If somebody asked me to start weaving chemistry into my lessons, I’d be hard-pressed to even know where to begin.

    One doesn’t have to have a deeply developed personal practice to have an impact on student well-being.

    It can be illuminating to grasp that how we show up and engage with students can be a crucial factor in their development. The study identified the characteristics of a mindful teacher as one that is calm, clear, and kind. The researchers concluded, “The presence of a calm, clear, and kind teacher can support students’ holistic growth, whether through modeling or need fulfillment.” Language can impart the kind of coded lessons that could meaningfully influence student behavior, letting them know that they are seen and supported, and in turn helping them see and support others.

    How to Give Wise Feedback

    Of course, it can be difficult to communicate with clarity, calmness, and kindness, particularly when you are outnumbered by an audience that is there because it has to be, and not necessarily because it wants to be. Though we might assume our statements are innocuous, from the student perspective much of our communication can feel critical. Asking, “Did you complete the assignment?” could be interpreted by a student as their teacher thinking they’re  too inept to remember to get work done on their own.

    To help with inadvertent critiquing, I also shared the concept of “wise feedback” with my faculty. Psychologist David Yeager explained that providing a clear and transparent statement about the reason feedback is being given helps adolescents understand that one has high standards that can be met, and the feedback comes across as encouragement rather than nagging. “I’m wondering if you completed that assignment, because there are some fascinating nuggets in there and I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts on them,” lands much differently.

    Language can impart the kind of coded lessons that could meaningfully influence student behavior, letting them know that they are seen and supported, and in turn helping them see and support others.

    Yeager pointed to a study he conducted in which seventh grade social studies teachers returned papers to their students with corrections and either a neutral note or a note featuring wise feedback. Eighty percent of students who received the wise feedback ended up revising their essays as opposed to forty percent in the neutral note group. Anecdotally, I can report that the use of wise feedback in my own pedagogy has led to a significant reduction in eye rolling.

    Mindful Language, Made Easy

    At the end of my session with the faculty, I expressed that I was confident most teachers probably already do express the elements of mindful teaching even if they don’t realize it. One of the hallmarks for being an educator is having the patience and compassion required to nurture learning. But in the words of the Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki, “You are perfect as you are and you could use a little improvement.” To expand our collective repertoire of mindful phrases, I gave everyone an index card so that we could take advantage of the assembled wisdom.

    I asked teachers to help me create a “mindful language cheat sheet” that featured language they use when they are trying to communicate with clarity, calmness, and kindness. In other words, it was a collection of wise feedback. I then sent out a document that compiled these phrases, which featured such pearls of wisdom as:

    • Everything is figureoutable.
    • Worrying is paying a debt you don’t owe.
    • This is one day. There are many days.
    • Everyone’s best looks different. Focus on what your best looks like.
    • I’m walking with you in this.
    • When in doubt, breathe it out.

    Thus, we were equipped with language to start the year that could help cut to the heart of the matter, support students through challenging moments, and bring a little levity to the proceedings.

    In the ancient lore of meditation and mindfulness, we hear stories of legendary teachers who effortlessly transmit all their wisdom to adoring and rapt students in a single act. It’s an impossibly high bar for modern educators, of course, and not how regular learning occurs, which is most often in tiny moments that accumulate over the course of years. For us mere mortals that find ourselves in the position of dispensing wisdom—whether it is to students of mindfulness, students of chemistry, or students of Play-Doh—it typically takes a much higher word count to get our point across. Teaching is hard. But don’t forget, everything is figureoutable.



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  • All of That: Reflections on Motherhood and Letting Go

    All of That: Reflections on Motherhood and Letting Go

    My mother died suddenly in 2013 at just 67, when our older daughter was two and our younger daughter was an infant. Before that, my mom helped watch the girls while I worked. I’d drive to my parents’ nearby home and work upstairs in their cozy loft while they read, snuggled, and played with my girls. In retrospect, it was this beautiful stolen season: I got the support I desperately needed, that feeling of being a part of the village so long a part of our shared human history—and I also got to walk downstairs each day and eat lunch and have coffee breaks with my own dear momma. It was the experience of motherhood I had hoped for.

    After my mom died, everything unraveled for a while. I felt so alone. Motherhood was a vast dark ocean, and I was clinging to the sides of a rickety little dinghy.

    Other than a brief stint working on-site part-time for a contract position, I’ve always officed out of our home (I still do). In those early years of being a new mom, depending on the season of life, I worked between 10–40 hours per week, with varying degrees of success and sanity on a day-to-day basis.

    The romance of working from home wears thin when you realize that working and parenting are not really things that can happen simultaneously. This realization sinks in approximately 14 minutes into your first day of working from home while trying to care for one or more children.

    Between the feedings and the diapers and the naps and the fighting and the I’m huuuuunnngrys and the spilled everything everywhere and the Can you fix this? and the scraped elbows and the When are you gonna be done, Mom? — any amount of real productivity felt purely accidental, or was the result of desperately putting on Scooby-Do episodes at 11 in the morning and locking myself in my room.

    Many days, I said no to doing things with my girls because I had a deadline to meet. Or I said yes to them, because I felt guilty, or because I genuinely just wanted to be with them — and then was left frantically working until 2am, long after they’d gone to bed, to get in a workday that had started at 9pm.

    I often felt like both a sub-par parent and a sub-par employee. Some days, I was. I cried in frustration, and beg-yelled to please be left alone so I could just string together a few connected thoughts. I slept through early morning Zoom meetings, forgot to get cupcakes for my kid’s birthday at school, mixed up due dates, was late for every damn thing, and zombied my way through assignments and tea parties alike. That’s the reality.

    There were wonderful days, too, moments of grace and revelation and transcendent connection. Some moments I loved in an otherworldly way, like my whole body was made of warm light. Other days felt like I was falling from an airplane with no parachute. My children are the most effective teachers I’ve ever had in my life. And when I say effective, I mean like in the way that doing 100 squats a day will give you an amazing butt: the triumph comes with some brutality. Like most personal growth, it has mostly all occurred in the trenches.

    Saying the real things out loud

    I resented being a stay-at-home mom sometimes. I know this is a generally frowned-upon thing to say. It’s almost always followed up solicitously by some version of, But kids are amazing, for sure. So amazing. Best thing that ever happened to me. There is this expectation that we temper our messy feelings with a sweeping declaration that negates what doesn’t feel or sound good.

    I don’t think I need to balance out my real human experience with less-messy narratives. So I will let the first statement just be its own reality: I resented being a stay-at-home mom sometimes. At times, I was swallowed by the fear that I was losing the very essence of myself. My creativity, time to write, time to take care of my whole self, my hunger for solitude and silence, my friendships—all of it was getting subsumed under this identity of Mom that so often felt like a too-big coat draped around me.

    There’s a robust body of mindfulness research (I know, I know) that says our greatest joy is found in living fully in the moment. And yes, that’s real. This is also real: it was so hard to be with it all sometimes.

    Yes, there are women who genuinely love full-time motherhood. They make of it an art, feel themselves called and enlivened and energized by this job. They are amazing to watch, and I honor and salute them. I love to see people living enthusiastically into their purpose.

    Me, I have often felt like the guy in those 90s commercials wearing the white coat. You know the one: I’m not a doctor in real life, but I play one on TV.

    Meaning, some days I was really feeling the role, absorbed in the storyline. I was so connected with the character of Mom that I was Mom, like on the inside, too. A lot of other days, I was reciting lines and looking frantically around for stage direction and waiting for some benevolent off-camera Director to call, Cut! And…that’s a wrap, people. Good work today. Why don’t y’all head on home and get some rest?

    Some days I felt out of control, desperate, and deliriously exhausted. I’d watch some mornings, nonsensically enraged, as my husband biked off, unencumbered. He only had one job to do for eight whole uninterrupted hours, surrounded by things like other grown-ups, recognition, annual bonuses, and health care.

    Blissfully-retired people would come up to me, probably just returned from a 10-day Scandinavian river cruise, and coo and congratulate. There I’d be, with my brand-new baby, my teething toddler, my hair unwashed and my clothes wrinkled and smattered with dried spit-up, my body aching—and they’d tell me to “just enjoy every minute.” I knew they meant well, and I get the amnesiac power of nostalgia. But also, part of me was just like, Geez lady, read the room.

    I don’t know what kind of mom that makes me, other than not alone.

    I don’t think it’s necessary for me (or any mom, any woman) to regard these moments of exasperation, unfulfillment, or longing as wasted time. These aren’t feelings I shouldn’t have had, or something to be ashamed of. They just…are.

    I don’t think it’s necessary for me (or any mom, any woman) to regard these moments of exasperation, unfulfillment, or longing as wasted time. These aren’t feelings I shouldn’t have had, or something to be ashamed of. They just…are. They’re as natural and human as my moments of contentment and elation. They have seasons and things to teach. Under this huge umbrella experience called Motherhood, they all belong. I know that wrestling with this complicated identity has never meant that I love my kids any less.

    Even today, when I see new moms at church or in our neighborhood, I always ask how they’re really doing. I always say, “Parenting is a beautiful gift, and it’s also okay to not love every single minute.” Sometimes they laugh knowingly, and sometimes they start to cry. When we’re struggling in silence, even when that struggle is the most normal, near-universal thing in the world, we can feel so defective for not feeling how we think we should be feeling.

    Saying the real things out loud can be a form of tender medicine, I’ve found.

    Saying the real things out loud can be a form of tender medicine, I’ve found.

    Crossing a threshold into a new form of motherhood

    In 2018, for the first time in eight years, I found myself facing the prospect of whole days to myself again. I know there are women who have done it for longer, and bless ’em — but eight years is still a long time. In Introvert Years, it’s like 100. I couldn’t believe that much time had passed. I had a second grader and a kindergartener. The river-cruising retirees where definitely right about one thing: it all went by like I was holding a scoop of water in my hands.

    Before I had kids, I spent hours a day alone. I quite liked it. It was jarring to have that open space suddenly shrink down, to have every spare minute and square inch of my body taken up, occupied, demanded. It was equally as jarring then, nearly a decade later, to have that space reappear. Only now I was a totally different human being. The whole world was different, and I had to figure out how to be in silence again.

    The night before our youngest daughter Stella’s first day of kindergarten, we snuggled up in the dark before bed. (For the record, before-bedtime snuggles are probably my very favorite ritual.) We talked about her first day of kindergarten, and how we were feeling about it. She had been buzzing all day long, spontaneously jumping up and down with excitement as she’d talk about finally going to school. We talked about the last five and a half years together.

    I got to tell her I was so grateful for our time together, because I was. And I got to tell her I was happy for her to go to school, because I was.

    I got to tell her I was so grateful for our time together, because I was. And I got to tell her I was happy for her to go to school, because I was.

    I asked her how she was feeling. She said, “I’m feeling nervi-cited, Mom.” My girls invented this word to describe that mix of emotions that comes with treading unknown but anticipated waters: nervous + excited.

    The next day, as we dropped her off, I watched her bouncy energy suddenly drop as she entered the chaotic classroom. Our girls attend an immersion school, and the teachers spoke to her in Chinese, which of course she didn’t understand yet. She didn’t know anyone. Everything was big and new and unfamiliar. She looked shell-shocked, like she might start crying — not out of sadness, but just out of not knowing what the hell was going on.

    She looked like I had felt so many times in my life, so many times in the previous eight years. My chest welled up with that tidal wash of empathy.

    I knelt down by those tiny tables and chairs. “How are you feeling, kiddo? What’s going on in your heart right now?”

    She looked down at the table, staring hard. “I’m feeling nervi-cited. And a little shy.” I assured her this was normal on such a big day. She nodded.

    She was so quiet, so unlike her usual bombastic self. “Mom?” she said, still looking down, willing herself to be brave. “There’s something else. With the nervi-cited and the shy. It’s miss. I’m going to miss you. Nervi-cited-shy-miss. All of that.”

    Yes. All of that.



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  • A Meditation on Connecting Lands and Stories

    A Meditation on Connecting Lands and Stories

    Yuria Celidwen guides us to connect to the land, awakening gratitude and listening more deeply into the natural spaces around us.

    Many modern Western cultures don’t have a deep understanding of how we connect to the land as a source of collective identity, story, or purpose. There is a sense that, yes, land can be lovely—but it is mainly seen as a source of recreation or extraction, not necessarily as an integral part of what shapes us and future generations.

    In this guided practice, Indigenous scholar and teacher Yuria Celidwen, rooted in Nahua and Maya lineages, introduces a fresh way to consider our connection to the natural spaces around us. This is a practice that invites reverence, gratitude, and belonging, where our experience of the Earth moves from being strictly transactional to being interconnected and relational.

    A Meditation on Connecting Lands and Stories

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. If you haven’t done so already, turn off your devices or leave them in a different place from where you will do this practice. Find a place within easy reach where you may feel comfortable. If this place allows you to overlook the landscape, that’s fantastic. If you can sit outside, surrounded by the natural landscape, even better. Wherever you decide to sit, make it easy for you so your practice becomes accessible whenever and wherever in your daily life. 
    2. Let your body rest in a way that helps you stay relaxed but attentive. While you may know that some meditation practices engage in contemplation with eyes closed, in this practice, keep your gaze soft but open, taking in your surroundings with a soft, expansive, panoramic view. 
    3. Pause. Notice where your attention is. Just notice where your mind is wandering. Where is your mind wandering? When is your mind wandering? How is your mind wandering? Just notice. Gather your attention gently. And bring it back to this present place and moment. 
    4. Request permission to enter the lands, offering your gratitude for their welcoming. Open. Breath, anchor, presence. Notice the texture of the lands where you are. What are the smells, fragrances, scents? What are the forms, colors and shades? What are the tones,  resonances, timbres, rhythms? What is their touch, their temperature, their strokes? What are their subtle tastes? Even more subtle memories, imagination? 
    5. Breathe, acknowledge, recognize, welcome. Welcome the lands. Pause. Who are the lands? What are they? Where are they? Pause. The lands are telling stories. They have voices. They sing songs. With the utmost care, as you would to a precious elder or a newborn child, just pause to listen. What are the lands telling you right now? What are they singing about themselves? What is their story about you? 

    Pause to listen, as you would to a precious elder or a newborn child. What are the lands telling you right now? What are they singing about themselves? What is their story about you?

    1. Take a few moments to hold this experience. Embrace our first opening into our shared sacred space, our discovering of an open welcoming of the lands. Offer them your gratitude for that opening, for welcoming you. Take a deep breath and exhale, bowing to the lands. Now let this experience flow. 
    2. Here are a few cues to animate your experience. Feel each of these cues as they rise in your body, heart, mind, memory, imagination, and belonging. Let these inquiries connect you to the world. What emerges? How are the lands connecting with you? What are their languages? How are they arising? And how do you relate and reciprocate?



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  • How to Meditate in Bed: Start or End Your Day With This Restful Practice

    How to Meditate in Bed: Start or End Your Day With This Restful Practice

    While this article has been reviewed for accuracy and fairness by Mindful editors, some material in this article was generated by AI. To learn more about our AI practices and why we sometimes use AI to generate content, please see our statement here.

    We often imagine a standard meditation practice taking place in a seated position, but sitting is certainly not the only way to get a great meditation session. In fact, one of the most accessible places to meditate is a space where we already spend a third of our lives: in bed. If you’re wondering how to meditate in bed, you’ll find what you need to get started in this simple guide, complete with techniques, benefits, and tips to make the most of this restful practice.

    Whether you’re looking to begin your day with clarity, or you’re seeking a soothing practice to quiet your body and mind before sleep, meditating in bed offers a gentle and practical way to weave mindfulness into your routine.

    Why Learn How to Meditate in Bed?

    Meditating in bed isn’t just convenient—it can also be beneficial. Here’s why this practice is worth exploring:

    1. Accessibility:
      First of all, at the beginning or end of each day, you’re already there! No need for a special cushion or designated space. Plus, this position can be easier and more comfortable for people with chronic pain or mobility challenges that make traditional seated postures painful or impossible.
    2. A Versatile Option to Add to Your Mindfulness Toolkit:
      You can meditate in bed while sitting, lying on your back, or resting on your side. And while you might not feel like meditating in bed every day, it can be a great option for times when you aren’t feeling well, or you’re recovering from an injury or medical procedure that makes sitting uncomfortable. 
    1. A Gentle Start or End to the Day:
      Morning meditations set the tone for mindfulness and focus, while evening meditations help transition from the day’s busyness to restful sleep.
    1. Stress and Sleep Support:
      Mindfulness meditation has been shown to reduce stress and improve sleep quality, making it an ideal practice for those struggling with insomnia or racing thoughts at night.
    1. Body Awareness and Relaxation:
      In bed, you’re naturally lying down or reclining, a posture that can encourage deep relaxation and help you connect with your body in a soothing way.

    How to Prepare for Meditating in Bed

    Creating the right environment can significantly enhance your meditation experience. Here are a few steps we recommend to set the stage:

    1. Reduce Distraction:
      This can include anything from taking a few minutes to declutter the space, making sure your phone is silenced or off, or taking care of a small to-do that might be nagging your mind. 
    1. Dim the Lights:
      Soft lighting or total darkness can help signal your brain that it’s time to wind down. If it’s safe to do so, a lit candle can also be soothing. (For example, if you know you’re prone to falling asleep during this type of meditation, candles might not be the best option.) 
    1. Limit Noise:
      Use earplugs, a white noise machine, or calming background sounds like ocean waves or rain if you’re in a noisy environment.
    1. Dress Comfortably:
      Wear loose, comfortable clothing or pajamas that don’t restrict your movement or breath.
    1. Avoid Screens:
      If you’re using this time to wind down at night, minimize screen time for at least 30 minutes before bed to reduce blue light exposure and prepare your mind for stillness.

    Techniques for Meditating in Bed

    While most meditations can be done sitting, standing, or reclining, there are several meditation methods tailored for bed, each addressing different goals like relaxation, mindfulness, or stress relief. Here are some of our favorites:

    1. Body Scan Meditation

    The body scan is a soothing technique that helps you become aware of physical sensations, tension, and areas of relaxation.

    How to Meditate In Bed with a Body Scan:

    1. Lie flat on your back with your arms resting at your sides. Close your eyes.
    2. Begin by focusing on your breath. Take slow, deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
    3. Starting at the top of your head, bring your awareness to each part of your body. Notice sensations—warmth, tension, or lightness.
    4. Slowly work your way down your body: forehead, jaw, neck, shoulders, arms, chest, stomach, hips, legs, and feet.
    5. If you notice tension, imagine sending your breath there to gently release it.
    6. Once you’ve scanned your whole body, rest in the stillness you’ve created.

    2. Breath Awareness Meditation

    Focusing on the breath is a foundational meditation practice that calms the mind and anchors you in the present moment.

    How to Meditate In Bed with Breath Awareness:

    1. Lie comfortably on your back or side, closing your eyes.
    2. Inhale deeply through your nose for a count of four, hold for a count of two, and exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of six.
    3. Pay attention to the sensation of air moving in and out—cool air entering, warm air leaving.
    4. If your mind wanders, gently guide it back to the rhythm of your breath.
    5. Continue for 5–15 minutes or until you feel a sense of calm.

    3. Guided Visualization

    This technique uses imagery to create a sense of peace and relaxation, perfect for setting a vision for your upcoming day, or winding down before sleep.

    How to Meditate In Bed with a Guided Visualization:

    1. Find a guided meditation app or audio recording, or create your own imagery.
    2. As you lie in bed, close your eyes and picture a serene setting, like a tranquil beach, a quiet forest, or a warm, glowing light surrounding you.
    3. Use all your senses: imagine the sounds, scents, and textures of your visualization.
    4. Let the imagery carry you into a deep state of relaxation.

    4. Loving-Kindness Meditation (Metta)

    Loving-kindness meditation is a practice of directing goodwill and compassion toward yourself and others. This can be particularly powerful before you head into work (focusing your attention on compassion for those you’ll encounter during the day) or as a way to re-center after a stressful day. 

    How to Meditate In Bed with Metta Meditation: 

    1. Begin in a comfortable lying position, eyes closed.
    2. Take a few deep breaths and focus on feelings of warmth and love.
    3. Silently repeat phrases like:
      • “May I be happy.”
      • “May I be healthy.”
      • “May I be safe.”
    4. Gradually expand your focus to others: first someone you love, then a neutral person, and finally someone you’ve struggled with.
    5. End by sending loving-kindness to all beings everywhere.

    5. Counting or Word Meditation

    For those who struggle with a racing mind, creating a single, simple point of focus can help to slow thoughts and bring calm to the body and mind. Counting works, or choosing a short  word or phrase can also be useful. 

    How to Meditate In Bed with Counting or a Simple Word:

    1. Lie on your back and close your eyes.
    2. Begin counting your breaths: inhale as “one,” exhale as “two,” and so on up to ten.
    3. If you’re using a word or phrase, you can repeat it on each inhale and exhale, or you can use the inhale for the first part of the phrase and the exhale for the second. For example, you could say something like, (inhale) I greet this day, (exhale) with gratitude and openness. 
    4. If your mind wanders, which it will, just start again without judgment.
    5. Repeat this process until you feel centered and calm.

    Read more and follow along with the audio here: A Mindful Breath-Counting Practice for Teens and Tweens

    6. Yoga Nidra

    While it has many overlaps with traditional meditations practices, Yoga Nidra is a restorative and intention-setting practice that’s been around for centuries. It is a form of non-sleep deep rest (NSDR) that activates the brain’s delta waves, which allows the body to enter the “rest and digest” state. It has been shown to bring deep relaxation, mental clarity, and a calm, revitalized energy. Notably, it’s an effective practice for reducing anxiety. 

    How to Meditate in Bed with Yoga Nidra: 

    • Get comfortable on your back with your feet about shoulder width apart and your arms by your sides. 
    • Set an intention (called a Sankalpa) for your practice. This could be something like, I am courageous, My true nature is love, or, I am a conduit for peace in the world. 
    • Remind yourself that you will remain awake throughout the practice. 
    • Focus on different parts of your body, feeling their weight and then their lightness. 
    • Witness all thoughts and feelings that arise, welcoming them with compassion, not trying to “fix” them, and just allowing them to pass. 
    • Reflect on your intention for the practice and affirm it with your mind and body. 

    You can learn more about the practice of Yoga Nidra and experience seven full guided sessions with teacher Kelly Boys in our Yoga Nidra course. 

    Tips for Meditating In Bed as an Ongoing Practice

    As with any meditation practice, it might take some time to find what works best for you. As you explore adding this approach to your mindfulness toolkit, here are a few tips to keep in mind: 

    1. Be Patient with Yourself:
      Your mind will wander—this is normal. Gently bring your focus back to the practice without self-criticism.
    1. Experiment with Positions:
      While lying on your back is common, this might be uncomfortable for people with low back issues. It’s okay to lie on your side, prop your knees up, or lie at a 45º angle with pillows under your shoulders, neck, and head if that’s more comfortable.
    1. Use Props for Comfort:
      Pillows under your knees or a weighted blanket can enhance relaxation.
    1. Set a Time Limit (or Don’t):
      Meditate for a specific duration, or simply let the practice carry you into sleep.
    1. Be Consistent:
      Make meditation a nightly or morning ritual. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to slip into a meditative state.

    How to Meditate In Bed: Benefits You Can Experience

    As you experiment with different techniques and times of day, see what you notice about how you’re feeling. Here are some benefits you might experience as you develop your practice: 

    1. Improved Sleep Quality:
      Meditating before bed can help quiet the mind, release tension, and prepare your body for restful sleep.
    1. Reduced Anxiety and Stress:
      Mindfulness lowers cortisol levels, promoting a sense of calm and balance.
    1. Enhanced Emotional Regulation:
      Regular meditation can help you approach challenges with greater resilience and clarity.
    1. Improved mindset or outlook:
      Morning meditation sets a positive tone, fostering mindfulness, curiosity, and focus throughout the day.
    1. Deepened Self-Awareness:
      Spending time with your thoughts and body creates a stronger connection with yourself.

    A Cozy, Comfy Way to Grow Your Mindfulness Practice

    Meditating in bed is a versatile, gentle way to bring mindfulness into your life. Whether you’re looking to start your day with clarity or unwind into restful sleep, the techniques shared here can help you create a sense of peace and connection.

    The beauty of bed meditation lies in its simplicity—you don’t need fancy tools or hours of practice. All you need is your breath, your body, and a willingness to be present. Over time, this practice can transform not just your sleep but also your overall well-being.

    FAQs

    What if I fall asleep during meditation?

    It’s common to fall asleep while meditating in bed, especially at night. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing! If your goal is to wind down and sleep better, drifting off during meditation means your practice is working. However, if you’re aiming for focused mindfulness, consider meditating sitting upright earlier in the day.

    Can I combine meditating in bed with other types of meditation?

    Of course! Meditation can be done anytime, anywhere, and any way you like. Just find what works for you. You can even combine practices if you like—for example, using yoga stretches to help you relax before bed. 

    When I learn how to meditate in bed, do I get the same benefits as other types of meditation?

    Yep! Meditating in bed still increases relaxation, lessens stress, balances the nervous system, enable better sleep, improves mood, and offers a host of other physical, emotional, and mental benefits.



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  • A Meditation for Clarifying Your Motivations for Using Tech

    A Meditation for Clarifying Your Motivations for Using Tech

    Your motivations for using tech can also point the way toward developing a healthier relationship with it. In today’s practice, Jay Vidyarthi guides us to identify our motivations and ways to establish more balance and intention in our tech use — without the guilt.

    Recent studies have confirmed that the constant presence and use of tech in our lives has become a hazard to our well-being on multiple levels. Yet it’s not going anywhere—so how do we mindfully hold that tension and seek balance in our relationship to technology?

    Meditation teacher, mindful tech designer, and self-identified tech lover Jay Vidyarthi observes, “It’s okay to enjoy technology. Tech becomes a problem when we get so attached to it that our lives fall out of balance—and this happens because a certain device or app or game or even your work email might satisfy a specific, lacking, healthy emotional need.”

    In today’s practice, Jay leads us through a contemplative practice that can help us dig down and understand our motivations for using tech, while also helping us identify ways to be more intentional about the why, how, and when of our digital consumption.

    A Meditation for Clarifying Your Motivations for Using Tech

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. This is going to be a contemplation. So choose whether you want to meditate with your eyes closed in a certain posture or position, or whether you’d rather journal, in which case you can grab a pen or a paper or even type on your computer.
    2. Hit pause on the audio if you need a little bit more space to get settled. There’s never a need to rush into this kind of thing, so try to find a place that’s quiet, maybe even inspiring, for your contemplation or journaling.
    3. When you’re ready, start by thinking or writing about why you personally might be interested in a better relationship with technology. What’s motivating you here? Is it a general feeling? Are there specific patterns you’re trying to change? Are there specific things that have happened that felt off to you that maybe inspired this idea that you needed to work on your relationship with technology? Are there maybe stories you’ve heard in the media or the press about technology and what it might be doing to us? Are there positive experiences that you have with technology where you find joy or meaning or purpose that maybe you want to get more of, or maybe you want to get back to? Maybe those are memories from an earlier incarnation of technology that feels lost.

    Are there positive experiences that you have with technology where you find joy or meaning or purpose that maybe you want to get more of, or maybe you want to get back to?

    1. Consider or write down how a more mindful relationship with technology might positively impact you and the people around you, whether those are family members or friends or roommates or coworkers, or even just the barista at the coffee shop or the clerk at the grocery store.
    2. If you’re having a hard time getting to deeper answers, try asking why over and over again like young children do. It’s a very powerful word. You might start with, Why am I interested in a better relationship with technology? Your mind might answer that with something like, I want to be less stressed. From there you might ask, Why do I want to be less stressed? Maybe your answer is because you want to be more present for the people you care about. You might ask why again, Why do I want to be more present for the people I care about? Keep going with this, and you’ll eventually find yourself at some deeper personal truths.
    3. Now, as you do this, notice if any judgment or shame is coming up. If you’re journaling, you can look back over the page, but if you are contemplating, you can just reflect. If judgment is arising, just let that come and go. So for example, you might ask why and hear your inner voice get self-critical. Like, Why do I want a healthy relationship with technology? Oh, well, because I can’t control myself and I’m addicted and destroying my life with this technology. Our inner voice can go all over the place, as you well know. If that happens, there’s no need to resist it, but don’t give it more energy, either. Try to stay curious and focus on those motivations, those intentions, those answers that feel like they’re encouraging positive growth.
    4. As we approach the end of our session here, see if you can distill what’s come up in this practice into a simple word or phrase. If you’re journaling, you can draw a big line on the page. If you are contemplating, you can clear your palate. Try to find something that captures the essence of what is motivating you, what your intention is to form a more mindful, healthier, better relationship with the technology in your life. Try to be very specific and concise.
    5. Once you have something, commit that to memory or write it down. Then, let go of all the effort that we’ve put into this practice and let’s take a few moments to just be as we are. There’s nothing more to do, yet we’re not yet moving into the next thing. We’re enjoying this transition, this moment of emptiness and non-doing.
    6. When you’re ready, you can gradually open your eyes if they were closed. Have a little stretch or a sip of water, whatever you need. And if you haven’t yet, you can write down the word or phrase you came up with, put that in a visible place, and let that be a reminder of your intention, your motivation, your commitment to an improved relationship with technology. 

    It’s important to remember that this doesn’t necessarily mean only setting boundaries around problematic use patterns. It also means setting yourself up to fully enjoy the parts of technology you enjoy and to find authentic connection online and to allow any meaning or purpose that you get from technology to fully flourish into your life. I hope this was helpful. See you next time.



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  • What Are the 8 “Rules” of Meditation?

    What Are the 8 “Rules” of Meditation?

    In a world that feels uncertain, chaotic, and often disconnected, people are seeking greater peace, clarity, and emotional balance. In that searching, many have found respite and healing in a regular meditation practice. However, if you’re brand new to meditating, it can be a little intimidating at first. Where do you begin? Are there foundational guidelines or rules of meditation that should be followed? 

    While there are many forms of meditation, some core principles guide successful practice. These principles act as a springboard to help you navigate your meditation journey more effectively. Whether you’re new to meditation or a seasoned practitioner, understanding these “8 rules of meditation” can deepen your practice and enhance its benefits. 

    And, if you read to the end, we’ve included a final guideline that might surprise you—and that might be the most important thing to remember as you explore the challenges and rewards of meditation. 

    Let’s dive into these key principles to discover how they can enrich your meditation experience.

    1. Find a Comfortable Posture

    One of the first and most important rules of meditation is finding a comfortable, stable posture. While many people envision sitting cross-legged on the floor, the truth is that meditation posture can vary. You don’t have to twist into complicated poses to meditate effectively. 

    The key is to find a position where your body feels supported and relaxed. That can be sitting on a chair, cushion, or even lying down. In fact, it can be a useful practice to simply tune into your body before each meditation session and determine which position might be the most comfortable for that day. This is a gentle way to start focusing your attention. 

    If you choose to sit, either in a chair, on the floor, or against a wall, remember to:

    • Keep your spine straight to encourage alertness.
    • Relax your shoulders and let your hands rest naturally.
    • Ensure you are not straining any part of your body.

    Comfort is key because physical discomfort can easily become a distraction during your practice. By settling into a comfortable posture, you allow your mind to focus more easily.

    2. Focus on Your Breath

    You’ll hear meditation teachers speak a lot about the power of the breath. 

    This is because the breath is a natural anchor for meditation. It’s always with you and can be observed without a lot of effort. Focusing on your breath helps quiet the mind and center your awareness in the present moment. This rule of meditation teaches you to tune into your body, observing how the breath moves in and out, without trying to control it.

    When meditating, pay attention to the sensation of air entering and leaving your nostrils or the rise and fall of your abdomen. If your mind wanders—which it inevitably will—gently bring your attention back to the breath. This act of returning to the breath is a key part of meditation, strengthening your mental focus.

    3. Accept What Arises Without Judgment

    A common misconception is that a quiet mind is the goal of meditation, but the reality is that thoughts will always arise. It’s not possible for meditation to be about controlling or suppressing your thoughts, because producing thoughts is just what the brain does. 

    That’s why much of the work of meditation is just learning to accept whatever arises in your mind without judgment. Whether it’s stress, irritation, or joy, let the thoughts and feelings  come and go like clouds passing through the sky. That can look like gently saying to yourself something like, I notice I’m thinking about work right now. I have a lot of worries about my job right now. That’s okay. I can think about work later, but right now, I’m choosing to return to the present. 

    The key here is non-resistance. Instead of fighting your thoughts, simply observe them. Recognize that thoughts are fleeting and don’t define who you are. Over time, you’ll learn how to detach from the endless stream of thoughts and emotions, allowing them to pass without becoming consumed by them.

    And remember that when your attention wanders and you bring it back, that is similar to doing a rep with a weight. The wandering and coming back is not a “failure”—it’s precisely what builds strength in your focus and attention over time. 

    4. Practice Regularly

    Consistency is crucial in meditation. As we mentioned above, strengthening focus and attention is like any skill: the more you practice, the more you’ll benefit. It’s better to meditate for a few minutes every day than for an hour once a week. Regular practice builds mental discipline and helps integrate mindfulness into your daily life.

    Start small if you’re new to meditation—perhaps with just five minutes a day—and gradually increase your time. Find a routine that works for you, whether it’s in the morning, during lunch, or before bed. The important thing is to establish a habit and stick to it. Even short, regular sessions will lead to noticeable improvements in your focus, clarity, and emotional regulation.

    5. Be Patient with Yourself

    As you might imagine, and perhaps have already experienced for yourself, frustration is a very normal part of starting and maintaining a meditation practice. 

    Meditation is a journey, not a destination. In Western culture especially, we’re training to approach everything as if it’s something to be perfected or conquered. It can be extremely strange to engage in a lifelong activity where “mastering” it isn’t the goal. 

    It’s normal to experience challenges, especially in the beginning. Your mind may feel restless, your body may feel almost unbearably uncomfortable at times, and might be surprised and annoyed by what pops into your head when you’re just trying to be still for a second. It’s easy to get discouraged when progress seems slow. This brings us to one of the most important rules of meditation: patience.

    Understand that meditation is a practice of observing the mind and its patterns. There will be good days where meditation feels effortless, and there will be days when your mind seems like a chaotic storm. Both experiences are part of the process and both are completely normal. Patience means accepting where you are today without judgment. Trust that with time and consistency, the benefits of meditation will reveal themselves.

    6. Let Go of Expectations

    A common pitfall in meditation is having expectations about what “should” happen. Many people sit down expecting immediate calm, profound insights, or even emotional or spiritual awakenings. When those expectations aren’t met, disappointment and frustration can follow. One of the core rules of meditation is to let go of expectations.

    Meditation is not about achieving a specific outcome but about being present with whatever arises. You might experience moments of peace, and at other times, you might face discomfort or boredom. The practice is about accepting each moment as it is without trying to manipulate the experience. By letting go of expectations, you create space for authentic, unfiltered awareness.

    7. Think of Mindfulness as Not Just an Activity, but An Approach to All of Life

    Meditation is not confined to your time on the cushion. One of the most powerful benefits of meditation is the ability to bring mindfulness into your everyday life. Meditation is one exercise that helps you stay aware and present in one particular moment, so that you can  stay aware and present throughout the day, no matter what you’re doing.

    Whether you’re eating, walking, working, or talking, try to bring mindful awareness to the present moment. Notice how your body feels, observe your surroundings, and pay attention to your thoughts and emotions without getting lost in them. 

    More good news? This is all a virtuous cycle: staying mindful during everyday activities deepens your meditation practice, which in turn helps to cultivate a sense of peace and clarity that extends out into all the little moments of your beautiful, imperfect human life.

    8. Allow Your Sense of Compassion to Grow

    One of the many side benefits of a regular meditation practice is an expanded capacity to hold compassion—for yourself and others. Meditation is not just about focusing the mind; it’s also about opening the heart. As you observe your thoughts and emotions, practice self-compassion. Recognize that it’s okay to struggle and be kind to yourself when things get tough.

    Likewise, extend that compassion to others. Over time, meditation helps you develop a sense of interconnectedness with the world around you. By practicing loving-kindness meditation or simply holding an attitude of empathy, you foster compassion for all beings. This rule reminds us that meditation is not just a personal practice but a way to connect with others and contribute to the well-being of the world.

    Like the rest of these rules of meditation, there is a kind of counter-intuitive and cyclical nature to expanding compassion. The more we make room for imperfection and mistakes in our meditation practice, the stronger our practice will become over time. The less we put pressure on ourselves to always “get it right”—and judge ourselves by a standard of perfection—the more room we have the ability to extend that grace to ourselves and others in the rest of our lives. 

    A Final Rule: Hold All the Rules of Meditation Lightly

    Mindfulness and meditation are counter-cultural in so many ways. 

    For example: 

    • Rather than a predetermined destination or outcome, we’re invited to relax into an unpredictable process. 
    • Rather than fixating on achievement, we’re invited to let go of our grip on staking our identity and value on perfection.  
    • Rather than trying to “fix” the feelings we don’t like, we’re invited to just be with them, and then we find that they pass through a lot faster. 

    When we see a phrase like “the eight rules of meditation,” it’s easy to slip into thinking about this process the way we think about so many things in life: through the lens of striving, achievement, mastery, and perfection. We can get attached and rigid—and that actually makes growing in the process more difficult. 

    So, in the end, here’s a final invitation: hold all of the rules of meditation lightly. Lean into them for support, guidance, and encouragement. Allow them to be gentle reminders of why you’re here. 

    But also remember that there is so much room for every day to be different. Some days will feel amazing, and some won’t, and that’s okay. It’s all part of the experience, and even the days when it feels like it’s not working…it’s still working. 

    Meditation is a journey, and each time you practice, you take a step closer to greater self-awareness and inner peace. Whether you’re just starting or have been meditating for years, these guidelines can serve as a compass to help you navigate your path with a little more awareness and grace.

    FAQs About the Rules of Meditation

    Q: What if sitting is uncomfortable or painful for me?

    A: The key is finding a position that works for you and your body’s needs. If sitting with your legs crossed is hard on your knees, for example, you can sit in a chair with your feel on the floor. It’s fine to lie down, as well. It can be a useful practice to simply tune into your body before each meditation session and determine which position might be the most comfortable for that day. This is a gentle way to start focusing your attention on your body and your breath before you even officially start your practice.

    Q: I can’t seem to keep my thoughts from racing in every direction. Is this normal?

    A: Yes, it’s completely normal! The mind does what it does: it generates thoughts, feelings, reactions, stories. That’s its job. You might find your mind wandering dozens of times in just the span of five or 10 minutes. Be patient with yourself, and be aware of how you respond to this very natural movement of the mind. Instead of harshly criticizing yourself, try noticing, thanking your mind for doing its thing, and then bringing your attention back to the breath. Each time you return your attention to the present moment, think of it like lifting a weight—you’re actually strengthening your focus each time your bring it back.

    Q: It doesn’t feel like my practice is really doing anything for me, even though I’m following the rules of meditation for the most part. How do I know if a practice is “working”?

    A: It can be super frustrating to start a practice and to hope to see and feel big results right away. The truth is, learning to meditate takes time, and most often the changes aren’t sudden or dramatic.

    One key way to notice shifts as a result of your practice is just to pay attention to how you respond to discomfort or disappointment. You might start to be aware that you’re less reactive, that you have just a moment between when something happens and when you respond that wasn’t there before. Or maybe you notice your inner dialogue shifting—maybe you’re more patient with yourself or others, maybe a little less critical when you make mistakes. You might notice that your focus is sharper, that you see and appreciate “little things” a bit more. Again, it might not be dramatic, but part of a mindfulness practice is becoming more aware of micro-changes in yourself over time.



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  • An Interbeing Meditation for Connection and Understanding

    An Interbeing Meditation for Connection and Understanding

    In this guided interbeing meditation, Shalini Bahl explores our interdependence as a pathway to better understanding, compassion, and cooperation, especially when conflict feels overwhelming.

    Summary

    • Through the practice of interbeing meditation, we explore our inherent connection to the whole world.
    • Interbeing is one word for our basic interconnectedness and interdependence as living beings.
    • When we consider both our own needs and the needs of other people, we can be more understanding and kind, even during difficult interactions.

    If you’ve faced challenging or polarizing conversations lately, you likely know how difficult it can be to connect and cooperate with the person on the other side of that interaction.

    In today’s guided interbeing meditation, Dr. Shalini Bahl invites us to explore our innate interconnectedness by recognizing our needs and those of others, so that we can be empowered to work together in new and creative ways that benefit all involved.

    An Interbeing Meditation for Connection and Understanding

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. Welcome to Interbeing, a guided practice for connection and understanding. Zen master and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh coined the word interbeing to describe a basic interconnectedness and interdependence as living beings. This practice invites us to explore this interconnectedness, especially when facing challenging conversations or polarizing situations. By recognizing our needs and those of others, we can foster greater understanding. This compassionate awareness can empower us to work together in new and creative ways that benefit all involved. 
    2. Let’s begin by coming to a comfortable sitting posture that allows you to be alert and relaxed. Gently close your eyes, or simply soften your gaze. Rest your awareness on the breath moving in and out of your body, naturally and effortlessly. Invite your mind to be here with your breath and body. Feel the spaciousness in your chest with each inhale and exhale. 
    3. Now picture a vast open sky filled with white fluffy clouds. See these clouds gathering to become larger and darker, heavy with life-giving rain. Feel the cool drops falling, sinking deep into the earth below. Sense the trees drinking deeply, their roots reaching deep down into the earth and the branches lifting towards the sky. 
    4. Think of these trees, well nourished by the rain water, by this earth, offering their fibers to be transformed into the very paper we use in our everyday lives. Just as this rain nourishes the earth and the earth nourishes the trees, so too are we nourished by this web of life around us. Each breath we take connects us to the trees, the rain, the earth, and all living beings. 
    5. Take a few moments to connect with this sense of awe and wonder in whatever way feels most authentic to you. Sense this interconnectedness with this web of life and all beings. 
    6. In this spirit of interbeing, bring to mind someone you are or will be interacting with—at home, work, or in your community—for whom you want to feel compassion. This could be someone you want to connect with more deeply as someone you’re having a conflict with. 
    7. Once you have the person and this interaction in mind, return to your present moment. Experience the breath moving in and out of your body. If your mind feels especially active today, place one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly as you feel the rising and falling of your body under the gentle touch of your hands. 
    8. Every time your mind wanders away, which it will, bring it back with kindness to your breath moving in and out of your body. Once your mind is stabilized, listen within to your needs in this interaction. Quietly ask yourself, What are my needs in this interaction? Stay here with kindness without forcing an answer. Listen then with patience. What would you like to get from this interaction? What are your needs? What are your intentions? What would you like to see happen? 
    9. Don’t go with the first response. Wait. Listen. Notice any kind of rushing judgments or fears. About what you may discover, making space for it all. Allow yourself to see, to feel whatever is your experience.  
    10. Feel free to pause this recording and journal or if you need a little more time. Once you feel ready, quietly ask yourself the following: What are the other person’s needs? Again, no need to search for answers. Just make room in your mind and your heart to listen within. 
    11. What is coming up for you as you make room for the other person’s perspectives? Their lived experiences? What might be going on for the other person, and what are their needs? If possible, see that person, the whole person beyond the situation. The ways in which they, too, care about the things that you care about. The ways that they, too, have suffered, just like you have in your life. 
    12. You’re not assuming you know everything. You’re just trusting yourself to know what you need to know. All we’re doing is making room, with the intention to see this other person. 
    13. When you find yourself overly distracted, or getting into a thinking mode, return to your breath. Your breath is an anchor to your natural place of connection with your body, yourself, and others. From this place of connection, open your mind to listen to the other person’s needs. 
    14. Again, if you like, you can pause this recording to do some journaling. Even the subtlest of shifts in your perspective can have a big impact on how you show up. 
    15. Based on your reflection today, how might you show up for yourself and the other person? Take some time to create an intention for showing up with understanding and kindness. And before you begin your interaction with that person, remember to return to your contemplation of interbeing, your intentions, and trusting your natural goodness. May this interbeing meditation help us navigate challenging interactions with grace, compassion, and wisdom. May our practice together benefit us and all beings. 



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  • Help Curb the Habit of Gossiping With A 10-Minute Practice

    Help Curb the Habit of Gossiping With A 10-Minute Practice

    Summary:

    • “Fake news” is now a common phrase, but we can understand gossip as frequently-fake news on a personal level.
    • If you want to challenge your habit of gossiping, it is helpful to cultivate awareness both of how you speak and of how you listen.
    • In this 10-minute audio meditation, you’ll practice shifting from an in-the-moment urge to gossip toward a state of appreciation and gratitude.

    We live in a political moment where we don’t just disagree about matters of policy—we disagree about reality. To some degree, this has always been the case.

    Writing in 1922, the American philosopher Walter Lippmann, described the modern human condition as one of living in “pseudo-environments”—mental worlds that define our values, beliefs, and opinions. As a result, he observed that citizens “live in the same world, but they think and feel in different ones.”

    More than 100 years later, we are experiencing this kind of polarization like never before. 24-hour cable news, Facebook, blogs, Twitter, and the fracturing of media have made it so that we can each filter our news, entertainment, and social interactions to reinforce our existing beliefs and shield ourselves from oppositional views—not to mention the fake news out there deliberately trying to separate us.

    This catchphrase has come to define the modern moment—“fake news.” Anything that doesn’t fit with our reality is now seen as unreal, make-believe, and at the same time, some of the news in our feeds is actually made up. These are crazy days.

    There is a serious conversation to be had around how to restructure the media and political institutions to mitigate this problem.

    Gossip is rarely based on fact, it’s more of an expression of the stories we make up in our heads about other people.

    In the meantime, we wanted to explore a different landscape of “fake news.” Sure, there are many people out there consciously spreading “fake news.” But it’s also interesting to look at how we might be doing it every day without really recognizing it.

    That’s right, we’re talking about gossip—our ordinary habit of talking about others behind their back. Gossip is rarely based on fact, it’s more of an expression of the stories we make up in our heads about other people.

    What is Gossip?

    The habit of gossiping can be defined in any number of ways. Webster’s defines it as “rumor or report of an intimate nature.” In the book The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, the authors define gossip as: “any statement about another that the speaker would be unwilling to share in exactly the same way if that person were in the same room.”

    This definition points to the contextual nature of gossip. If I tell my co-worker Gena that “Dave’s feedback on my presentation today was incredibly disrespectful,” it may or may not be gossip. If I don’t share this feedback with Dave, then it’s a clear case of gossip. But if I do share it with Dave, with the same emotional tone, then it is not gossip.

    Why bring greater awareness to your gossip habit? After all, it’s often entertaining, even pleasurable, to talk about the faults of celebrities, political leaders, or that person in your social circle who drives you crazy.

    The first reason is that a habit of gossiping almost always arises from stories in our mind, which may or may not be true. So one reason to refrain from gossip is to do your part to curb the spread of “fake news.”

    Another reason is that gossip often involves a subtle breach of integrity. In the language of the philosopher Immanuel Kant, when we gossip about someone, we’re treating them as a “mere means” to our own sense of pleasure or superiority. If I tell a humiliating story about someone, I’m using their misfortune as a way to generate laughter, titillate my audience, or make myself feel like I’m better than them.

    And while it may be pleasurable in the moment, it almost always leaves a moral stain. For the speaker of gossip, there’s a subtle feeling of guilt that arises. For the people listening, there’s a sense of distrust that follows in the wake of gossip. “If he talks that way about others when they’re not in the room,” they are left thinking, “how does he talk about me when I’m not in the room?”

    Need proof? Conduct a quick experiment. In your next interaction with a friend or colleague, dish out some juicy negative tidbit about a mutual colleague or acquaintance. Then check in to see how you feel. If they respond in kind, notice how you feel about their trustworthiness and the strength of your relationship.

    2 Key Ways to Shift the Habit of Gossiping

    So how can we become more aware of our gossip habit? The key is mindfulness–training the skill of Notice-Shift-Rewire each time we’re tempted to gossip or each time others begin gossiping. This awareness takes two forms: awareness of speech and awareness of listening.

    1) Awareness of Speech

    The practice here is simple. Notice when you feel the urge to say something negative about another person – a friend, a co-worker, or even a political figure. And when you notice, pay attention to the physical sensations of gossip. We have found that the urge to gossip often corresponds to an energetic state–a subtle pattern of sensations in the body.

    In fact, the urge to gossip is, in many ways, similar to the urge to read about gossip in the form of celebrity tabloids or political chatter. In both cases, we’re drawn to the momentary burst of pleasure that arises from speaking or hearing gossip. And yet it’s a behavior that is always unsatisfying, leaving us with the desire for more.

    Noticing the urge to gossip opens the space to Shift your speech. This could be as simple as not saying anything at all or reframing your statement to something you would be willing to share with the other person, were they in the room.

    The Shift might also be to follow through on the urge to gossip but to do it with awareness – to gossip consciously. This sounds strange but you may find that it’s impossible and, at times, undesirable to get rid of all gossip. In conversations with your spouse or partner, for instance, saying things about others that you wouldn’t share with them in the room might play an essential role in building trust and intimacy with your partner. Talking through a difficult situation with another family member or a problem at work, for example, may require talking candidly about others in ways that you would not were this other person in the room. In these cases, the goal might not be to end gossip but to simply be more aware and mindful of it.

    The final move is to Rewire. Savor the experience of bringing greater awareness to this ordinary habit of gossip.

    2) Awareness of Listening

    Even if we refrain from gossip, we will undoubtedly encounter it in the speech of others. Whether it’s neighbors, co-workers, or family members, the habit of gossip is so common that it’s impossible to avoid. Awareness of listening is the practice of noticing gossip whenever it arises in conversations with others.

    Of course, this leads to an important question: when we notice the person we’re talking to gossiping, what are we to do? How are we to respond?

    The authors of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership liken this situation to a game of ping-pong: “the speaker and the listener each hold a paddle. If a listener says he doesn’t want to listen and symbolically puts down his paddle, the game is over.”

    This is sound advice. And yet it requires discernment and skillful means to figure out how to put down your paddle without shaming the other person. It might involve injecting a positive comment into the conversation, changing the subject, or, at times, making the outright request to not gossip.

    A 10-Minute Practice on Gossip Awareness

    1. To begin, find a comfortable seat. Sitting, if possible, with a straight spine. Close your eyes and begin by relaxing. Feel how the chair supports the weight of your body. Feel your feet as they rest against the support of the floor. Notice how you’re supported by each inhale and exhale. Allow yourself to breathe. Allow yourself to be. Let your breath move in and out effortlessly and without any attempt to control it. The goal of this practice is to create more awareness around the effect of gossip.
    2. With that in mind, as you relax deeply, see if you can bring to mind a moment in the past. A moment when you heard something about a friend or a coworker, another parent at school, a neighbor. Or when you dished it out to someone else. I know it’s not the most glamorous thing, but we’ve all had those moments when we had that juicy piece of gossip. So, see if you can just travel back in time to a moment like that, you can go back to childhood if nothing is coming up from adulthood.
    3. Observe any feelings or sensations that arise as you go back to that moment in time when you offered that juicy tidbit of gossip. You might notice a mixture of emotions. Excitement. Shame. Fear. Curiosity.
    4. Now, let’s imagine we had the opportunity to go back in time and experience this very same moment. With a slight twist. This time, I want you to think of a statement of gratitude for this person. Rather than a juicy piece of gossip about them, think of what you would say. If you were forced to tell someone why you appreciate this person or why you’re grateful for them.
    5. Now, imagine saying a word of appreciation instead of a piece of gossip. I appreciate Hank for always being there on time and for the intensity he brings to each conversation. I appreciate my mother-in-law, for how passionate she is about bringing us all together.
    6. Notice again, with this statement of gratitude, what are the emotions that arise in your body? See if you can pay close attention to any differences between the impact of gossip and gratitude for you in your experience. See if you can keep this experience and remain aware of the difference in your emotional state between gossip and gratitude and mind? And see if you can bring this midst of everyday life.
    7. Notice moments when you hold that juicy piece of gossip and there’s a part of you that wants to tell someone and dish it out. In those moments, see what happens when you shift to appreciation or gratitude instead
    8. To close this practice on the habit of gossiping, take a few more breaths. Bring your attention back to each inhale and exhale sensation of breath. And then when you feel ready, slowly open up your eyes. Coming back into the room. And see what happens when you bring this spirit of gratitude with you. Throughout the rest of your day.

    The 24-Hour Gossip Challenge:

    To experience this first hand, see what happens when you bring greater awareness to gossip over the next 24 hours. Pay special attention to your speech and the speech of those around you. See if you can go an entire day without the habit of gossiping.

    You may find that it’s an almost impossible task to eliminate the habit of gossiping entirely. But that’s not really the goal of this experiment. The goal is to bring awareness to the urge to gossip – to notice where you are contributing to the spread of “fake news.” This simple sense of awareness may not lead you to stop gossiping altogether. But it will help you bring greater compassion, care, and awareness into even the most ordinary conversations.

    Share your experiences in the comments below.

    This article was originally published on Mindful.org in March 2018.



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  • The 4 Qualities of a Good Listener

    The 4 Qualities of a Good Listener

    A good listener not only focuses on your words, but what’s on your mind. Do you have the following qualities of a good listener?

    When we’re constantly fixated on what we’re going to say next, or how people have interpreted what we’ve already said, we forget that honing the qualities of a good listener is equally important to the conversation. This video from The London School of Life reminds us how a good listener inspires quietly instead of nagging endlessly.

    4 Qualities of a Good Listener

    1) A good listener asks: “What’s on your mind?”

    When we’re trying to make tough decisions, a good listener uses gentle encouragement to help tease out what’s really at the heart of our anxieties.

    It’s not always easy for us to know what’s bothering us—a gentle and constructive push with a good question can encourage us to explore what’s on our minds, and help clarify what might be causing us trouble.

    2) Good listeners go beyond anecdotes

    It’s hard to find the root of where our feelings comes from, but easy to simply mention that something is lovely or terrible, nice or annoying.

    A good listener can help us clarify it.

    They look for the bigger picture by taking your piecemeal thought or complaint and turning it into solid ideas by connecting it with your broader history, bringing anecdotal thoughts up against underlying issues.

    3) The good listener is acutely aware of how unique we all are

    Good listeners allow us to be vulnerable—they don’t invite us to open up and then immediately reject us for our follies.

    Instead, their skillful and useful small feedback can make tense moments of dialogue easier. For example, the little positive strategic sounds, like “MMMMMM……” that delicately signals sympathy without intruding on what we’re trying to say.

    Good listeners allow us to be vulnerable—they don’t invite us to open up and then immediately reject us for our follies.

    Without judgement and criticism, we can feel free and safe to express our feelings without worrying about losing our dignity—or a friendship.

    4) Good listeners separate disagreement from criticism

    A friend who possesses the qualities of a good listener is willing to build a safe environment for you and help you to be yourself. You don’t need to be afraid losing them if you have any disagreement with them—they make it clear that their company is not dependent upon an unattainable state of perfection.



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  • A Forgiveness Meditation to Connect With Your Heart

    A Forgiveness Meditation to Connect With Your Heart

    In this guided meditation, Will Schneider walks us through a three-step meditation to offer forgiveness to ourselves and others.

    Forgiveness is a cornerstone practice of mindfulness, and it’s also one of the most difficult.

    Extending forgiveness to others and to ourselves requires a kind of awareness and vulnerability that can feel deeply uncomfortable, especially if we are carrying heavy stories of shame, anger, or resentment connected to that experience.

    In today’s guided practice, Will Schneider from Men Talking Mindfulness walks us through a forgiveness meditation filled with kindness, grace, and surrender that’s designed to help us walk a little lighter in the world.

    A Forgiveness Meditation to Connect With Your Heart

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. As you work through this meditation, please note that we’re not trying to force forgiveness in any way. Please do this within your comfort zone. You do not need to go into the deepest and darkest places that need forgiveness. On a scale of one to 10, choose something that feels about in a four to six range. This meditation is going to be very helpful to release the energy of stress and anxiety or depression, and really help to relax your body, relax your mind, and help you to be more present in this moment, instead of encumbered with the shame and the guilt that might be associated with events that have occurred in your life.
    2. To begin, find a comfortable position. You can also do this lying down, but make sure you’re not going to fall asleep. If you choose to sit, then sit up in an upright, dignified position.
    3. There will be three parts to this forgiveness meditation. Do the best you can to work from a heart-centric, heartfelt place deep within you. Let go of expectations and try to work from a vulnerable and authentic state of being.  
    4. Start by using your breath to help just naturally drop a little bit deeper into this moment. Maybe even bring a hand over top of your heart so you can begin to access your heart energy, which really helps to empower this forgiveness. Make some movements in your shoulders and your head to help to relax tension. Find several deeper breaths just to calm your nervous system down, drop into this moment. Bring your breath, your awareness down to your breath into your belly. Inhale really big. Exhale, soft and slow. Maybe you’ve got to wiggle your jaw a little side to side, or just take these first several breath moments to just create a little bit more comfort in your body and kind of get out of your head and into your body and into this moment by being aware of your breath and being aware of the sensations of your body without judgment.
    5. Bring to mind a moment that you harmed someone else. Again, it doesn’t have to be so deeply personal. It could just be someone that you cut off in traffic or were a little curt with at the grocery store or something like that. Stay in that four to six range. In your mind’s eye, being specific, bring up this particular person that you would like to offer or ask for forgiveness. Clearly seeing that person in your mind’s eye, repeat to yourself from this heartfelt space to this other person, I am sorry. Please allow me to be imperfect. Please allow me to make mistakes. Please allow me to be a learner, still learning life’s lessons. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. If you could not forgive me now, please try to forgive me sometime in the future. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
    6. Sit with that for a couple of heartbeats, a couple breaths. Use the breath as a way to let go, detaching energetically. Feeling your heart once again.
    7. Next, let’s shift to a way in which someone has harmed you. Again, keep this in that four to six range, something minor, but that definitely was an experience. Repeat to them through this heartfelt space, Just as I am willing to allow myself to be imperfect, I allow you to be imperfect. I allow you also to make mistakes. I allow you to be a learner, still learning life’s lessons. I forgive you. I forgive you. If I cannot forgive you now, may I forgive you sometime in the future. If I cannot forgive you now, may I forgive you sometime in the future.
    8. Sit with your breath for a few moments again. Bring your hand over top of your heart and feel more of that heartfelt experience. Again, use the breath to relax and to release this energy.
    9. Finally, let’s bring forgiveness to ourselves. Think of ways you have harmed yourself. Again, start with something small. Extend forgiveness to yourself by expressing these heartfelt words to yourself: I allow myself to be imperfect. I allow myself to be imperfect. I allow myself to make mistakes. I allow myself to make mistakes. I allow myself to be a learner, still learning life’s lessons. Really feel that. I allow myself to be a learner, still learning life’s lessons. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. If I cannot forgive myself now, may I forgive myself sometime in the future. I forgive myself.
    10. Be with your breath for another few moments here, taking some bigger breaths. Filling with forgiveness, filling with love for yourself, filling with the opportunity to release and let go. Let it all go. It doesn’t need to be a part of you anymore. Take a couple more breaths in. Feel it and flow with it and fall with it. And let go.  
    11. I hope you’re feeling a little lighter after this meditation. Slowly come out on your own time. It’s a wonderful exercise to realize that you don’t need to hold on to all that stuff that gets in the way of your brilliance. All that love that you are. Thank you for meditating. Thank you for being the light that you are and bringing that light to more people in the world. Have an incredible day.



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