Let’s face it: Things feel incredibly hard right now. Of course, there are always difficulties and challenges, but particularly at this moment, I find myself heartbroken, overwhelmed, and angry more often than usual. Maybe you can relate?
Perhaps like you, I am at a loss for what to do to address the suffering around me at this time. There is heartbreak, struggle, anger, fear, and despair in our homes, communities, and on the news and social media. Though there are some things we can do and action we can take, often much of this suffering is beyond our capacity to control.
Self-Compassion Works for Collective Pain, Too
When it starts to feel like too much to bear, I find myself wondering how to be with it all. How to be with the heartbreak, the suffering, the difficulties inherent in life. In my experience and work, I have found that one of the most helpful ways to navigate these challenges is through self-compassion.
Of course, self-compassion is a powerful ally when we are personally experiencing a difficulty. But self-compassion is also a powerful internal resource we can draw on in response to the suffering of others. Even if it is someone we don’t know, our hearts are touched when others are struggling. That is why it is essential to start with ourselves so that we can respond from a place of love and care, rather than fear, despair, frustration, or anger.
So, what is self-compassion? Imagine if a dear friend was struggling with something, and then consider how you would respond to them. Now, gently turn that care, warmth, and kindness toward yourself; that is self-compassion.
In the research, self-compassion is shown to have many benefits, including increasing resilience and optimism as well as decreasing anxiety and depression. It helps us hold suffering, both our own and that of others, more spaciously and with tenderness and warmth. The ability to offer ourselves compassion helps buffer the emotional distress that can accompany the empathetic response.
Though self-compassion doesn’t necessarily fix the problem, it does invite a deeper calm and clarity as we approach it, because we tend to make wiser choices when we feel cared for. Caring for ourselves, especially when things are hard, enhances our capacity to navigate those difficulties and is a skill that we can learn and access readily.
Practices You Can Try Today
These practices work to strengthen our awareness and compassion, which can help us avoid the extremes of being either overwhelmed or numbing out.
One For Me And One For You:
Based on the giving and receiving compassion practice from the Mindful Self-Compassion Program, the “one for me and one for you” practice can be tremendously helpful when we are feeling overwhelmed by the suffering of others. With a little repetition, it can even be accessible in the moment when encountering someone who is struggling.
Bring to mind someone, even a group of people, who you know are suffering. This could be someone you know personally or hear about on the news. Now, check in with yourself and see what would best support you in being with their struggles as much as possible. It could, for example, be patience, calm, strength, or acceptance. Bring your attention to your breath and consciously offer that to yourself on the inhale and gently release on the exhale.
After a few rounds, and if it feels right for you, you may now consider what they most need—they may have even voiced this need. It may be the same thing you need or something different. Continue to take in for yourself what you need on the inhale and offer them what they need as you exhale. You can even let go of the specific words and simply say to yourself, “One for me, and one for you,” as you continue to focus on your breathing.
Kind Touch:
Offering yourself a tender and gentle touch is one of the easiest ways to access self-compassion. Try putting a hand on your heart, holding your own hand, gently touching your cheek, or rubbing your arms like a gentle self-hug. Though it may initially feel awkward, research shows the benefits of this practice. Just as we might reach out to hug a friend or gently touch the arm of someone in need, we can also offer this loving, caring touch to ourselves. This kind touch releases the chemicals that support comfort, care, and connection, giving our body the message that we are safe and cared for in the moment.
Of Course…Honey Practice:
This phrase integrates the three aspects of self-compassion—mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness—used in the Mindful Self-Compassion Program. When you are struggling with something, you can say to yourself, “Of course, this is hard, honey,” or “Of course, you are scared, honey,” or “Of course you feel sad (angry, overwhelmed…), honey.” Saying the words “of course” as part of this phrase acknowledges our common humanity, that anyone in our circumstances could feel this way. Feeling like this is simply part of being human. Naming the emotion is the mindfulness aspect of the phrase, and using the term ‘honey’ (or another term of endearment) is an expression of self-kindness. I often use this phrase, usually with my hand on my heart, and have found it to be invaluable, especially when caught in a moment of intense reactivity.
Start Where You Are, and Go From There
If you are feeling heartbreak, fear, outrage or anything else in response to the depth and breadth of suffering in the world (or in your own life), start right where you are. Take a moment to care for your own heart and mind before responding to the world, which so desperately needs our loving presence.
