Tag: Mental Health

  • Shift Your Mind From Crisis Mode to Calm

    Shift Your Mind From Crisis Mode to Calm

    Modern life seems to offer endless moments of stress. Perhaps you wake up in the morning to the sound of your phone’s alarm blaring, sending a hit of adrenaline through your system. Then, you might get another hit as you scroll through your news feed and learn about the latest global or local disaster. These days, it can feel as if there are threats everywhere, real or imagined, and the body and mind react accordingly in any number of ways. Your heart may speed up or you may feel sweaty, hyperfocused, or simply avoid whatever happens to be unpleasant in the moment.

    We may have thought that technology would make our lives easier. But instead we are inundated with packets of data, much of it irrelevant. Facebook tells us what our long-lost friends are doing on vacation. Google reminds us of a holiday potluck we are supposed to attend. We can endorse professionals on LinkedIn so they will endorse us. And Twitter—well, who knows what’s going on with Twitter? Meanwhile, a device on our wrist reports that last night, we had 45 minutes of “restless sleep.” Email has become, in the words of a friend of mine, “a To-Do list that you didn’t create.” And the plethora of apps at your fingertips that help you, say, navigate IKEA more effectively provide minimal payoff.

    Our inability to step out of the information flow—such as at work where we may be required to stay plugged in or can’t seem to get away physically or psychologically from our phones at any time—has a direct effect on our health and well-being. Namely, and not surprisingly to many of us, an increase in stress reactivity.

    The Three Stages of Stress

    There are many definitions of stress, and one is from the original father of stress research, Hans Selye: the nonspecific adaptation response of the body to any demand or problem. He described a process of how we respond to stress called the General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS). It consists of three stages: Alarm, Resistance, and
    Exhaustion.

    • Alarm involves a number of physiological reactions—hormonal, neurological, cardiovascular, and so on—and psychological reactions, as we move into a fight, flight, or freeze response for survival.
    • Resistance may be viewed as the physiological and psychological attempt to adapt to and overcome the effects of the stressor. This is all well and good if the stressor resolves. If not, the stress hormone cortisol can continue to be produced, resulting in poor sleep, increased illness, anxiety, or poor cognitive functioning.
    • Exhaustion may follow when a stressor becomes chronic, either from ongoing exposure or ineffectual and repeated attempts to deal with it. We become overwhelmed.

    The Warning Signs of Burnout

    Fortunately, most of us now live without the threat of saber-toothed tigers—but we instead face long commutes, harsh emails, an unforgiving economy, climate change, COVID-19, and constant reminders via social media about how well others are doing in comparison to ourselves. These stressors result in the same internal reactions as when we are confronted with something life-threatening.

    When we are faced with a stressor, regardless of whether it is positive or negative, it involves a change to which we must adjust: the new baby, job, relationship, death, or sickness, to name a few. Stress itself may not be the issue but rather how chronic and severe it tends to be, our relationship to it, and what we do when stress shows up. Humans must necessarily adapt psychologically, socially, biologically, and environmentally. And we are nothing if not problem solvers. But even too much problem-solving can result in burnout.

    And while burnout may feel inevitable for many of us in our current context, there are symptoms of burnout to watch for, according to The Maslach Burnout Inventory Manual, used by researchers as a measure for long-term occupational stress.

    You may experience emotional exhaustion—a feeling of being emotionally overextended and exhausted by work or life. This is common for people in the helping professions when they reach a point where they feel no longer able to give of themselves.

    Our inability to step out of the information flow has a direct effect on our health and well-being.

    Depersonalization is characterized by a negative, cynical attitude, or treating others as objects. We can begin to see others as deserving of their problems. This view is particularly tied to emotional exhaustion.

    The third symptom to watch for is a sense of low personal accomplishment, marked by feelings of incompetence, inefficiency, and inadequacy, in which you feel unhappy and dissatisfied with yourself and your performance. This can lead to “learned helplessness” and “chronic bitterness.”

    You may notice that you feel disenchanted, that you struggle to get out of bed, or to focus once you’re at work. You may have a short fuse with colleagues and clients, feel sapped of energy to follow through on projects or concentrate on one task. Your sleep and appetite may be affected. You may use substances to avoid feelings, or experience physical symptoms like headaches and backaches. Sometimes it can be difficult to differentiate burnout from depression, so getting help from a mental health professional may be in order.

    All of this of course may affect both your work and personal life, making you miserable, affecting relationships, and decreasing productivity.

    Here Are Small Steps to Less Stress

    Regardless of the cause of your stress, there are a number of steps you can take to manage it. Begin by bringing kind attention to your experience, and extend compassion to yourself as you tend to your stress. And then consider these strategies:

    1) Make a list of your personal stressors.

    Susan Woods, a well-known mindfulness teacher, suggests we think of them in terms of those that are acute or chronic and internal or external. Realize that these categories may overlap. One can have an acute or chronic problem. For example, an exacerbation of ongoing back pain due to an injury, or a stressor that may be both external and internal; an example would be a stomach pain due to a conflict you’re having with a spouse. Writing them down can help you deconstruct them, making them less overwhelming and more manageable by externalizing them. We don’t have to be them; we can simply have them. And remember: Stressors are finite.

    2) Determine which stressors you can change and which ones you can’t.

    Once you identify a stressor that can’t be changed, ask yourself how you might bring a change in attitude or perspective to it. Can you see it differently? Can you accept it? Can a problem become a learning opportunity or a challenge to overcome? Can a task become something that gives you a sense of accomplishment?

    3) Do one small thing.

    Can you come up with a small, manageable way of beginning to address the stressor or your reaction? Make sure the action you are going to take is stated in positive and concrete terms—think about what you are going to do rather than what you won’t do. Set a time to start and to finish. Don’t try to do too much. Remember, small steps are key.

    4) Build a support network.

    Can you identify your inner and outer resources for getting support and managing stress? For example, if you are feeling burned out from work, consider making a list of your internal resources. What are your strengths? Make a list of people, places, activities, or things that could be external supports. Maybe you need an exercise buddy, a friend to vent to regularly, or do an online search for a meetup that might fill a need.

    5) Monitor and write down those times when you feel even a little bit better.

    How can we build and protect our inner resources, our internal supports? Monitoring what uplifts you can reveal clues as to what your inner resources are. Maybe there are small activities you find nourishing that you’ve stopped doing, like that cappuccino and podcast you used to enjoy first thing in the morning, or simply taking a few deep breaths when feeling overwhelmed. Remember: The breath is always with you. Start small and schedule! Trying to do too much will likely result in you not doing anything except wanting to pull the covers over your head in a state of overwhelm. Above all, try to be kind to yourself.

    6) Finally, don’t forget that everything changes.

    Nothing lasts. And since change is inevitable, we can remind ourselves of this and get a little breathing room if nothing else until the stress storm passes.

    Caught in the Web

    When we’re stressed, we often click into automatic and habitual reactions to what’s stressing us. Mary Elliott and Evan Collins created an exercise using the Web of Reactivity to help us become more mindful of our triggers—and our thoughts, emotions, body sensations, behaviors, and impulses to act—when we are stressed. Try this practical approach:

    1. Write down your thoughts, emotions, body sensations, behaviors, and impulses to act during stressful moments. Describe the situation (where, when, who, what). List your initial “automatic” thoughts. Take note of your emotions/moods in one word, or as many as you like. List where you felt these emotions in your body. List your actions/impulse to act.
    2. After you make a list, ask yourself where and how you might bring mindfulness to these reactions. Perhaps stopping and taking a breath, bringing attention to body sensations, or bringing curiosity to the experience may disrupt the tendency to cascade into a stress spiral. Also, consider whether the situation needs addressing through action, and if yes, how.
    Created by Mary Elliot and Evan Collins
    A Simple Inquiry Practice to Unwind from Stress 

    The act of questioning the thoughts that shape our reality (especially when they create stress, anger, or frustration) opens the door to living a life with more compassion, ease, and openness to new possibilities. Read More 

    • Eric Langshur
    • January 11, 2023

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  • A Meditation to Help Build Your Capacity to Navigate Difficulty

    A Meditation to Help Build Your Capacity to Navigate Difficulty

    Hello, I’m Rich, and this is our fourth module on the theme of living with meaning, purpose and resilience. 

    Resilience, simply defined, is being able to bounce back from adversity (though it should be noted that “bouncing back” doesn’t necessarily mean going back to exactly who we were before the challenge arose, since adversity can significantly change us as people). It’s our ability to meet the challenges that arise, return to our center, find our footing, and navigate effectively. It’s not about stopping all challenges in life because that would be impossible. Stress and difficulties arise in our lives all the time. It’s a question of how we meet those challenges, how we navigate through them and work with them. 

    So I’d like to offer some tools and a meditation around this. And again, this is part of a larger series on defining meaning, purpose, and, now, resilience. I like to offer resilience as the last piece because in the course of this journey to being our best, to living with purpose and meaning, we will encounter difficulties. We all do. We’re human. So I’m certain that, without a doubt, every single one of you will experience failure. I have. 

    In fact, I can say I’ve experienced failure quite continuously throughout my life. Now, what’s really important here are the words we use and the way we think about failure. I said just now that you will experience failure. I didn’t say you are a failure. I didn’t define it that way. And that’s really the critical pivot point of resilience: doing what’s called moving from an existential trait to an experiential state around the experience of difficulties. 

    So if that seems abstract, let me explain a bit further. Often when we meet challenges it’s very easy to fall into a narrative about guess who? About yourself. And very often, when we experience failure or adversity, that narrative can be negative. Those stories we tell ourselves can be as simple as, “I’m a failure,” “I’m unworthy,” “I’m inadequate,” “I’m incompetent—what’s wrong with me?” It’s a lot of self-criticism, and it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. 

    Outsmarting Our Negativity Bias

    In fact, our brains are actually wired for something called the negativity bias. It’s an evolutionary phenomenon whereby we attune to danger and threats and negative stimuli in our environment much more than positive ones. Some research says it’s roughly a rate of 3 to 1 that we pay more attention to the negative than the positive. And that is then magnified when we experience challenges and difficulties. It’s really important, then, to be aware and to work counter to that negativity bias. 

    That’s where this shift from existential trait to experiential state helps. It’s something I do a lot, so let me give you an example from my own experience. As you know, I run a non-profit, and there have been periods where we’re not meeting our key performance indicators, our core metrics, for example. In those instances, as the leader of this organization, I’ve found myself at times asking, “What’s wrong with you, Rich? This quarter was terrible.” And I feel inadequate and begin doubting my abilities. It’s almost as though I’m categorizing myself in this trait-like fashion as if I’m not competent. When in reality, our organization simply experienced a difficult quarter: there were difficult conditions in the market and the ecosystem in which we work. And as a leader I faced challenges around how to right the ship, how to pivot and consider different solutions with my team. 

    I remember there was a moment where I thought, “I’m just a failure. I’m failing at this quarter.” Then I actually paused and thought about it: We experienced the failure. I experienced a setback and a shortcoming. I experienced a failure. I had the experience of failure. That’s it. And that’s very different from framing things as, “I am a failure.”

    Tap into the Liberating Shift

    So that’s the critical shift. It’s what we at Search Inside Yourself like to call the liberating shift—from existential to experiential. And I want to invite you to join in a meditation on that liberating shift today because for me, that’s the key factor in resilience: the shifting from existential to experiential. 

    Before we get started, though, I want to encourage you to really inhabit the perspective of experiencing something. Nothing more—it’s just an experience. Take emotions or feelings, for example: they are actually physiological processes in the body. They come; they arise; we feel them; and then they go. So it’s actually a process that plays out in our bodies. When we’re triggered and have difficult experiences and feel difficult emotions, those are also just physiological processes. They’re not facts. They’re not sentences or indictments. And they’re certainly not traits. Again, we know from physiological science that emotion is a process. So the encouragement for this practice, if difficult emotion arises—whether it’s stress, anxiety, fear, sadness, whatever it might be—is to see it arise and to see it as a process, not as a trait. 

    Let’s now try a meditation that allows us to experience this firsthand. 

    A Meditation to Help Build Your Capacity to Navigate Difficulty

    Watch the video:

    Listen to the audio

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. I invite you to sit in a way that is alert but relaxed at the same time—whatever that means for you. Close your eyes, if you’d like. Or just soften the visual field by gazing downward. Take a moment as we begin to collect our attention. 
    2. Now, bring awareness to your body—the felt experience of your body wherever you find yourself. Bring firm but gentle attention to your breath; the in breaths and the out breaths. Just collect your attention for a moment here, taking a minute to arrive, with your mind and your heart and your body all in this moment, whatever this means to you. 
    3. Now I’d like to invite you, just as you are, to this meditation on resilience. I invite you to consider a difficult situation or person—nothing traumatic—just something that was difficult for you, or a person who was difficult for you, perhaps over the past week or another period of time. Calling this situation or person to mind, and noting what feeling or emotion arises when you reflect on this. What sensations are you feeling in your body as you consider this situation or person? It could be something like: I am experiencing stress. Or, with regard to a person: I am experiencing anger or frustration. Whatever it is you’re experiencing, just noting it: “I am experiencing ….” 
    4. Now just as you are, note how different that is from saying “I am stressed” or “I am frustrated.” Instead, “I am experiencing” emphasizes the process. And emotion is a process. It is a state you are aware of. Name it to know it. And note how it may change as you name it and take note. With this we’re taking that small step back to gain perspective on the experience of difficulty. I encourage you to take the “I” out of it. Instead: “There is the experience of frustration. Because who is the “I”? Just bringing a kind, loving awareness to “There is the experience of stress; there is the experience of frustration in the body.”
    5. Notice how that feels to adopt that broader perspective. This is the liberating shift between I am stressed or frustrated to there is the experience of stress or frustration currently in my body. Whatever that emotion is for you, bring this quality of awareness—the experience of—and fill in the blank. Just see how that feels in the body. And then whatever arises next for you: experiences and emotions are rising and moving and changing in the body frequently.
    6. As we wrap up this meditation on resilience, take a few last breaths at your own pace, reconnecting with your breathing. And when you’re ready, open your eyes and rejoin. 

    It’s really important to bring this capacity to shift into our lives. We all have the capability to expand our perspective, and even subtract ourselves from the equation. Stress is real; difficult emotions are real. I don’t suggest we suppress or deny or push any of that away, but I am suggesting that we be in wise relationship with them, as one of my teachers Jon Kabat-Zinn likes to say. So, wise relationship with our difficulties is that liberating shift that will affect resilience. 

    I hope this has been useful for you. This concludes the four-module series of meditations for living with meaning, purpose and resilience. I’d like to end with a poem that brings all of this together. It really brings the idea of attuning to what’s alive within you and standing in that place with strength and resilience. I’ve written this poem myself. It’s called

    “The Quiet Invitation”
    In the vividness of the journey from
    Being to becoming,
    Amidst the flickering dance between action and reflection, 
    Alignment emerges, 
    A close knowing, a path glowing faintly in the mists of imagination. 
    Not so much chosen as revealed
    Even as you stand blinking in fear or wonder. 
    There comes the still, quiet voice at the center of things—that sweet, gentle calling that whispers This is true.
    This is good
    This is alive now
    You are called an invitation to wholeness
    In this everyday arc of your life. 

    So, with that my friends. Thank you so much. I wish you all well. Take good care.

    About The Author

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  • Befriend Vulnerability With A 12-Minute Meditation

    Befriend Vulnerability With A 12-Minute Meditation

    Learning to tune in to our own vulnerability is an act of courage that allows us to form deeper, more genuine relationships.

    If you’re someone who grew up being told that tears are a sign of weakness, or that you should never show fear lest you be exploited, you understand how very difficult it is to communicate complex emotions like jealousy, resentment, or sorrow. You protect these experiences, holding them close to your chest like a dislocated arm in a sling. Just as extending the injured arm would create a risk of further injury, keeping parts of yourself out of intimate relationships prevents emotional hurt and exploitation.

    You know how this looks for you.

    Maybe you become stoic and isolate yourself. Perhaps you bury yourself in work or your hobbies. If you’re in a fragile state, you might displace your anger and rage against someone innocent, or who’s an easy target. None of these things feel good, and it’s easy to feel ashamed if your actions have pushed people away.

    This limiting mindset doesn’t have to be a defining feature, however. Vulnerability can be learned. In fact, anyone can learn how to be vulnerable with themselves.

    A Practice to Begin Healing

    1. To begin, find a quiet place to reflect on these questions in silence. If you prefer, there’s also the option to write down your answers.
    2. What has been your relationship with vulnerability?
    3. Reflect on a time that turned out favorably when you made a decision to be vulnerable with someone you trust. It can be anything, even something small. Reflecting on that now, how did it feel to allow this person to witness you in your need? What did it perhaps do for your relationship?
    4. Keeping that positive experience of vulnerability in mind, is there a part of you that’s been hidden, and that you’re now needing to acknowledge? Consider a difficult emotion, like loneliness, that’s been hard to name, and the impact of just letting it be present without registering it.
    5. What would it be like to bring your experience to someone you trust? Consider the positive outcome you had in step three, in which you overcame your reluctance around vulnerability and brought your issue forward. If this were once again possible, is there something you would now need to address with someone trustworthy?
    6. Finally, reflect on what might be gained from this exercise in vulnerability: the ability to let someone else recognize and possibly help you carry a struggle, the opportunity to strengthen the bond of your relationship, the deepening of trust in addressing other vulnerable parts of your life that may show up in the future.

    A Guided Meditation to Befriend Vulnerability

    1. To begin, find a comfortable place in your home where you can sit or lie down and just listen to this meditation free of distractions, where you can just be for a few moments. Positioning yourself comfortably, allow yourself to take an in-breath through the nose. Exhaling through the mouth. Another breath in through the nose, and out through the mouth. Just continuing to breathe in this manner.
    2. In your mind’s eye, allow yourself to really observe that part of you that yearns to be seen, yearns to be noticed, that yearns to be forgiven, that yearns to be loved. And as you encounter this part of you, allow it to really be enhanced. Really notice the qualities of what it would mean to be seen, to be loved, to be healed.
    3. This is your gift. A gift to give to someone you trust. Reflecting now on this gift: Who in your life deserves to see, to know, to forgive, to love this part of you? Bring their face into your mind’s eye. Noticing the qualities that tell you this person is trustworthy, is deserving of your vulnerability.
    4. Allow yourself to see, as well, the potential for your own life and sharing this gift with this person. What would it mean to you to bring this part of you into this relationship now? Really notice them loving you. Forgiving you, healing you by witnessing you and your vulnerability.
    5. As you do so, make a commitment to yourself of what it is that needs to be said and shared with this person who has shown you that they are trustworthy.
    A 12-Minute Meditation to Cultivate an Open Heart 

    During times of crisis and uncertainty, touching into your groundedness while remaining open can help you find calm—and inspire others to do the same. Meena Srinivasan offers a guided practice for staying both rooted and open. Read More 

    • Meena Srinivasan
    • July 19, 2022



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  • Why Imagination—Not Resilience—Might Help You Heal From Heartbreak

    Why Imagination—Not Resilience—Might Help You Heal From Heartbreak

    One of the words most bandied about during challenges, even before these upside-down pandemic times, is resilience. We hear a lot about our collective need for strength, or our individual cultivation of effort in the face of adversity.

    Notable books have connoted resilience with Grit, or climbing The Second Mountain, or Bouncing Back. The Oxford English Dictionary defines resilience as “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” Alternatively, Merriam Webster likens resilience to a form of rubbery elasticity, or the ability “to adjust easily to misfortune.” The takeaway being that to survive crisis, we must quickly and easily adopt the quality of sand that gets in your teeth—or, like rubber, we must reflect a type of unchanging, indestructible goo.

    Even social scientists, who take a nuanced view of resilience as “a stable trajectory of healthy functioning after a highly adverse event,” require levels of stability and health that are difficult to maintain for even the most seasoned mindfulness practitioners.

    Who we were before cannot be resurrected; grief and trauma aren’t about stretching and then regaining our original shape, they are about being reformed into what some grief experts call the dynamic shift from Life One to Life Two.

    Cultivating resilience during times of adversity is exhausting. Many people feel weak when faced with a crisis and it is dissonant to suggest they be physically or mentally tough. As an end of life doula, I regularly see this response. A hospice patient, a woman of deep spiritual grounding, with years of contemplative practice, recently said to me, “I’m not tough. I am scared. I am tired. I am so ordinary.” To suggest that she develop resilience feels out of sync with her reality. In my experience, if a concept doesn’t provide comfort in death, it is ill formed to support us in life. This means resilience, despite its popularity and positive intent, does not necessarily encourage effective coping. 

    “Bouncing Back” from Grief

    Another challenge with resilience is the implication of elasticity. As anyone who has faced profound loss or suffering can attest, a person cannot take the same shape afterward as they had before. “Bouncing back” suggests that it is possible to go back to a prior pre-crisis life, that the past is inherently more desirable than the present.

    It may feel true in a time of suffering that yesterday was better than today, but functionally there is only this moment. Looking constantly backward leads to the belief that an imaginary past self is required to survive a crisis. This is false. Who we were before cannot be resurrected; grief and trauma aren’t about stretching and then regaining our original shape. They are about being reformed into what some grief experts call the dynamic shift from Life One to Life Two

    How Imagination Helps

    What then should we make of this obsession with resilience as a way to survive through suffering? What if instead of resilience, there was an alternative, one that allowed for the mysterious potentiality of an unwritten future?

    What if we met hardship not with resilience but with imagination? Imagination is about curiosity, openness, and adaptability. It encourages us to perceive the darkest moments of struggle as neither fixed, nor inflexible, but subject to change. Imagination is about expansive potential. 

    The familiar phrase “not in my wildest imagination” conjures up worst-case scenarios and magical thinking, but that is not the only type of imagination you can call on. Alternatively, there is the pragmatic imagination required to address adversity. Researchers from the University of Colorado and the Icahn School of Medicine at Mt. Sinai studied people’s brains after asking them to imagine ways to adapt to various types of threats. They concluded that imagination “reduces neural and physiological conditioned threat responses,” particularly by stimulating the pre-frontal cortex, the part of our brain that oversees decision making, logic, and executive function.

    One example of this is extinction theory, an imagination practice in behavioral psychology where a person reimagines an event from the past to neutralize its negative effects. But imagination is not just for working with past trauma. Instead it is a form of cognitive flexibility that we can practice both in non-crisis situations as well as in the middle of life’s most challenging moments. 

    Start With What Matters Most

    How do we ignite the power of imagination in times of suffering? First, we must start by understanding our priorities. Begin by asking: What matters most to me right now? What must I hold on to or protect? From there, it is a matter of operationalizing our priorities into manageable, reasonable next steps. What is possible in this moment? Possible is different than desirable; it is not tied to outcomes but to one’s inner ability to choose. What choices do I have right now? How do my choices tie to what matters most? Sounds simple, but from the depths of suffering even the smallest choices feel monumental. 

    I remember after the sudden death of my sister when I was in my 20s, lying in bed paralyzed by grief. Deep within I prioritized finding meaning and making it through the experience intact, but more broadly I couldn’t imagine where my life would go, how I could live without my best friend. 

    During even the darkest times there are surprising glimmers of light that one can use to ignite imagination and ease the overwhelming grief. The momentary glimmers are proof points for imagination, reminders that there is something other than the pain.

    So, I started imagining small things; putting on my shoes, going to class, taking a walk by the lake. Gradually, I pictured more expansive parts of my life—getting an internship, applying for a job, finding ways to give back. These things helped me focus and I held on to them. It wasn’t a heroically resilient process. I had very little rubbery strength. It was tiny moments of imagination that slowly helped me fill in the shape of Life Two. 

    Ignite Your Imagination

    While we can’t imagine suffering away, we can imagine space within suffering for other occurrences—laughter, connection, compassion. Many recently bereaved families describe unexpectedly meaningful conversations with perfect strangers, or feelings of gratitude at an outpouring of support from a friend, or momentary peace when a ray of sunshine hit their face. During even the darkest times there are surprising glimmers of light that one can use to ignite imagination and ease the overwhelming grief. The momentary glimmers are proof points for imagination, reminders that there is something other than the pain.

    One of the most powerful ways we utilize imagination is through choice. Pain can create a tunnel vision that limits our ability to see a wider picture. Imagining there are choices can help us cope. Imagining choices is different than positive thinking. Positivity assumes outcomes, it often relies on a belief that “things will all work out.” But there is no guarantee of a positive outcome in every situation—as bereaved people well know.

    Imagination suggests that even in hopeless situations we have a choice to show kindness, to accept help, to experience more than just one way of being. For example, dying people commonly feel pain and fear; asking them to imagine something meaningful offers the possibility to feel something alongside the pain, even if only for a moment. Imagination applies equally to end of life as to everyday life. 

    People try to survive trauma and suffering with strength, grit, or resilience all the time—by hardening. But the point of a mindfulness practice is not merely hardened survival. There is space between the suffering where mystery lives, where we can soften and be curious, where the uncertainty isn’t one of dread, but of wide vistas and joyous laughter. If we cannot accept suffering, we cannot free ourselves from the fear of it, and we cannot find the spacious repose without imagination. That’s the mystery.

    A Mindfulness Practice to Help Face Crisis and Trauma 

    Try this imagination exercise as a structured process for facing crisis and trauma.  

    1.  Using a breath or a mantra, acknowledge “Who I was before this time of suffering cannot be resurrected.”
    1. Choose an aspirational word, something you would like to experience in the midst of this hardship—peace, growth, connection, surprise, reconciliation.  
    1.  Using your aspirational word as an anchor, imagine what it would feel like, for example to be at peace. Do not look far into the future but consider where you might choose peace in this moment.
    1.  Sometimes in acute crisis imagination feels impossible. But it is a pragmatic skill that develops with practice. The simple act of imagining moves us from the bleak stuckness of suffering into the unwritten potential of the future.
    How to Mend a Broken Heart 

    When love falls apart, embracing your life as it is—agony, misfortune, and all—can help you heal. Try this three-step mindfulness practice to help you find stability and a little bit of ease. Read More 

    • Elaine Smookler
    • July 16, 2020

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  • The Wellness Trap: What Mindfulness Can’t Fix

    The Wellness Trap: What Mindfulness Can’t Fix

    If you’re a human living in 2026, you likely have a laundry list of things you’d like to have fixed. Your list might look something like: affordable housing, the global economy, cost of groceries, your headache, your backache, an aging body, the cost of gas, the price of groceries, global warming, and maybe something to deal with occasional self-doubt or chronic busyness. 

    And that’s just the top of the list. 

    In our collective overwhelm and longing to find peace or respite from the current landscape we find ourselves in, anywhere but “here” feels good, even if for a moment. 

    Some of us have turned to spirituality, looking for answers. Some of us have tried distracting ourselves with activities and to-do lists. And for others, we’ve taken an even deeper dive into wellness practices, supplements, and workout programs that promise us ways that we can “be well.”  

    In our collective overwhelm and longing to find peace or respite from the current landscape we find ourselves in, anywhere but “here” feels good, even if for a moment. 

    Enter Mindfulness. 

    When Practice Becomes a Commodity

    For decades, teachers like Jack Kornfield, Sharon Salzberg, and Joseph Goldstein helped introduce Insight Meditation (Vipassana) to Western audiences. They made a contemplative practice that had existed for centuries more accessible to people searching for a different relationship to stress, suffering, and the mind itself. 

    Over time, mindfulness moved beyond meditation centers and into schools, workplaces, therapist offices, and hospitals—and later, the larger wellness industry as a whole.

    In essence, mindfulness has become the new “superfood.”

    Somewhere along the way, however, mindfulness became more than a practice. It became a prefix. Today, when we encounter words like mindful eating, mindful communications, mindful parenting, mindful productivity—the adjective itself lends an air of credibility to what follows. 

    In essence, mindfulness has become the new “superfood.” The label itself is imbued with authority over what follows it, encouraging us to believe that simply adding the word “mindful” to an activity somehow lends it to being the wiser, more educated, or healthier choice in the room, when the reality is much more nuanced. 

    Have We Lost the Plot?

    In my quest to find some answers, I picked up a copy of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living. Kabat-Zinn is credited with translating mindfulness into a clinical context known today as MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction), where practitioners in healthcare and hospitals have incorporated these practices. 

    The title comes from a line in Zorba the Greek, where the “full catastrophe” refers to the messiness of life (stress, work, uncertainty, insecurity, love, joy, illness, loss) and all that comes with it. The book’s basic premise is that we cannot control what happens to us in this life, but we can change our relationship to what happens. 

    Mindfulness, when applied to myriad life situations, has a helpful outcome: it helps regulate our emotions, cultivate self-awareness, and support our mental well-being.

    The issue has never been, Does mindfulness help?—but rather what we now expect it to help with.

    And yet, as mindfulness has grown more popular, so too have our expectations of it. In some cases, the word “mindful” has become a linguistic indicator for wellness all by itself. 

    The issue has never been, Does mindfulness help?—but rather what we now expect it to help with.

    Labels Come with a Price

    Part of mindfulness’s appeal is that it offers something many of us desperately need: a way to meet our lives with more balance, greater awareness, and less reactivity. 

    But as more people have recognized this desperate need, and perhaps tried more than a few things that haven’t worked to meet it, mindfulness has begun carrying responsibilities far beyond its original scope. 

    We want the feeling of relief more than the skill of being with discomfort that might not have any easy answers. 

    In some instances, expectations around mindfulness can morph into what some contemplative teachers might describe as a form of spiritual bypassing, where, more often than not, people look to the practice itself to be the solution instead of being part of a much larger process that involves our participation. In other words, we want the feeling of relief more than the skill of being with discomfort that might not have any easy answers. 

    Marketing has played a large part in helping so many of us become more aware of mindfulness, but to what end? We may attend more mindfulness workshops or participate in corporate mindfulness retreats, but I think we should consider whether we’re asking mindfulness to carry the weight of responsibilities that fall outside of the practice. 

    Mindfulness was never meant to fix the “full catastrophe” of living, but rather to give us the tools to meet ourselves where we are.

    Confusing the Path for the Destination

    The wellness trap begins when we mistake any one practice or form of healing for the solution itself. Mindfulness was never meant to fix the “full catastrophe” of living, but rather to give us the tools to meet ourselves where we are.

    Yes, mindfulness practice can help improve things like attention, focus, communication—which can have the effect of making work places better and more efficient. But when did mindfulness become responsible for making workplaces healthier? Or more productive? When did it become responsible for helping us have better leaders or helping us address burnout? None of these are inherently bad uses of mindfulness, of course; but when we attribute the success or failure of such endeavors to a practice like mindfulness, we fail to see the process accurately. 

    Mindfulness is a tool for cultivation, not the solution itself. Put another way: mindfulness is one way of relating to experience of any kind. This, however, is very different from being a solution for eliminating the experiences we don’t want.

    Coming Back to the Foundation

    So, what does mindfulness really offer? And why do we keep expecting mindfulness to “fix” whatever feels out of alignment in our lives? 

    Jon Kabat-Zinn has repeatedly emphasized that mindfulness is not simply a technique but “a way of being in wise relationship to experience as you find it.” That distinction matters. 

    Jon Kabat-Zinn has repeatedly emphasized that mindfulness is not simply a technique but “a way of being in wise relationship to experience as you find it.” That distinction matters. 

    Most of us avoid unpleasant emotions, conversations, and uncertainty whenever we can. This is a deeply human tendency. We fall into the Wellness Trap when we start looking for something or someone to make that unpleasant feeling go away for us. We “outsource” our agency when we assign those unwanted experiences to be dealt with by our meditation app, retreat, self-help book, or supplement. 

    We live in a time where so many offers for relief are available to us. Our trap isn’t what to use; it is expecting whatever we engage with (however it comes) to do the work that belongs to each of us. 

    When we mistake a practice as a “cure-all,” we are effectively giving away our agency to be part of the solution to what ails us. 

    Buddhist teachings make the argument that while we cannot prevent pain and suffering, we do have some influence over our circumstances. What this means for most of us, as Kabat-Zinn suggests, is that life is the catastrophe: joy, fear, illness, love, uncertainty, all of it. 

    Mindfulness invites us to learn how to live with those experiences. The goal is to help us be present with our discomfort instead of avoiding it altogether. 

    Cultivating a mindfulness practice is not a substitute for healthcare, community, rest, boundaries, meaningful work, or structural change.

    The wellness trap emerges when mindfulness is expected to carry more than it was ever designed to hold. Cultivating a mindfulness practice is not a substitute for healthcare, community, rest, boundaries, meaningful work, or structural change. It shines a light on things that we need to see more clearly, helps us understand where limits are and why they look the way they do. 

    And hopefully, it helps us each see that our issues (as we identify them in each of our lives) are less about our capacity to endure and more about the causes and conditions of our circumstances than anything else. Perhaps most importantly, mindfulness can help us discern the difference between what needs our compassionate acceptance and what needs our compassionate acceptance combined with thoughtful action.



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  • Reprogramming The Panic: Choosing Conscious Response Over Avoidance

    Reprogramming The Panic: Choosing Conscious Response Over Avoidance

    Our nervous systems are made to keep us safe from danger—but what happens when they’re responding to threats that no longer exist? Writer Catherine Swett explores how we can meet these disruptive moments with sovereignty over avoidance, and over time teach our nervous system how to respond to discomfort and anxious moments.

    The Trap of Avoidance

    People often say, “I have anxiety. I cannot do crowds.” For a long time, I believed that was my whole story. But looking back, it was not just anxiety. It was avoidance. Every time I avoided, I quietly reinforced the fear.

    Anxiety is not a monster outside of me. It is my body and brain sounding alarms. The problem is the software is outdated. It is coded from times when my body truly could not escape real threats.

    Anxiety is not a monster outside of me. It is my body and brain sounding alarms. Heart racing, tunnel vision, fight or flight, doing exactly what it was designed to do: protect me from danger. The problem is the software is outdated. It is coded from times when my body truly could not escape real threats.

    Reprogramming in Real Time

    Of course, this does not mean every internal alarm is false. Sometimes our bodies are alerting us to genuine danger, and those protective instincts deserve our attention. The real work is learning to discern when to trust the alarm and when to question it.

    When I walk into a crowd—a situation that might feel overwhelming, but that is actually not dangerous for me—and I feel panic rise, I have two choices. I can avoid it and confirm the fear, or I can walk through it and teach my body something new. I choose the latter. Each time I navigate what my nervous system warns is unsafe, I show it that I am safe.

    This is not “just anxiety.” It is real-time nervous system reprogramming. I had to walk through crowds until I proved to my system that I was no longer its prisoner.

    There is a line most people are never taught to notice. Avoidance often comes from fear, the kind where you spend your life running and the thing you fear keeps chasing you.

    Recognizing the Line Between Fear and Choice

    There is a line most people are never taught to notice. Avoidance often comes from fear, the kind where you spend your life running and the thing you fear keeps chasing you. That eventually catches up.

    But there is another place. A place where you understand yourself. You recognize the environments, dynamics, and stimuli that activate your nervous system in unsafe ways. And you also know this: if you need to walk through it, you can. You are capable. You are conscious. You are not trapped.

    You do not need to constantly expose yourself to triggers to prove resilience.

    The difference is that you do not need to constantly expose yourself to triggers to prove resilience. Once you face the root of what makes something destabilizing, you gain the ability to choose if and when that exposure belongs in your life. That is not avoidance. That is conscious choice.

    Lessons from Monks: Discipline, Not Detachment

    I have thought about this in the context of monks. I used to assume they were peaceful because they were detached, above it all. That was ignorance. Monks feel, think, and experience frustration, desire, and disturbance, just like anyone else.

    Healing is not about becoming untriggerable. It is not about enduring everything life throws at you. It is about understanding yourself deeply enough to respond consciously.

    The difference is what they choose to subject themselves to. They do not abstain out of fear. They abstain with discipline, because they understand their minds. Peace is not passive. It is actively protected. That protection requires internal work, not constant exposure.

    Healing is Sovereignty

    Healing is not about becoming untriggerable. It is not about enduring everything life throws at you. It is about understanding yourself deeply enough to respond consciously. Thoughts rise. Reactions flare. Old patterns knock, and that is okay.

    A life of avoidance with no self-work is fear in disguise.

    A life of avoidance with no self-work is fear in disguise. A life of conscious choice, rooted in understanding, is sovereignty. By locating your perception, observing your nervous system, and noticing patterns in real time, you gain the ability to respond instead of react.

    Growth Looks Like This

    We know that healing is not linear. There will be ups and downs, and that’s normal. But in general, here are grounding statements that reflect the growth process:

    • I do not rush to correct my feelings
    • I delay decisions until my nervous system settles
    • I let context and awareness arrive before action

    By treating perception and reactivity as interfaces, not flaws, urgency becomes information instead of command.

    By treating perception and reactivity as interfaces, not flaws, urgency becomes information instead of command. Intensity becomes data instead of danger. Insight alone does not stop the spiral, but noticing the system in motion gives me room to respond instead of react.

    By seeing perception this way, I can engage with reality as it is. I can separate the present from the echoes of the past and act with awareness instead of just reacting.



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  • Play, SoulPancake, and Building Your Anti-Depressant Brain

    Play, SoulPancake, and Building Your Anti-Depressant Brain

    When it comes to happiness, says Elisha Goldstein, there’s a simple but important tool we often forget about: play. 

    For years now, I’ve been studying what helps create more resilience and happiness within us. I’ve looked at my own life, the life of my clients and students, and the psychological and neuroscience research. What I’ve found is that within each and every one of us are a core set of natural anti-depressants. When we intentionally tap into these resources, it shifts our brain activity in ways that can lend itself to shaping an anti-depressant brain. One of the natural anti-depressants that I’ve come to find that helps break a bad mood and create positive neural activity is Play!

    In Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion I describe play as “a flexible state of mind in which you are presently engaged in some freely chosen and potentially purposeless activity that you find interesting, enjoyable, and satisfying.”

    Here’s a great video that shows adults playing and the results. Take a look and see what you notice.

    When adults were put in an enriched environment where the cues elicited play, they became more engaged, open, and most seemed to be genuinely enjoying themselves.

    Research from Marion Diamond out of UC Berkeley shows that rats who had a more enriched environment with toys and playmates showed growth in their cerebral cortex. This is the part of the brain that’s involved with cognitive processing and those rats actually ran mazes quicker than others who had less enriched environments. This type of research has been repeated over and over again with similar results. (Note: Rats that had a depleting environment absent of toys and playmates showed a reduction in the thickness of their cerebral cortex).

    The reality is engaging play reduces stress, promotes creativity, productivity, openness, and revitalizes our sense of aliveness. It is literally a natural anti-depressant.

    The question for us is how can we create more enriching environments?

    One answer lies in understanding how our brain responds to cues. Most of the time our brain is automatically making decisions beneath our consciousness and the cues in our environments are influencing those decisions. If we’re often alone and there’s a lack or nourishing things and people in our environment it’s more likely to lead to depression and anxiety. On the other hand, if our environments are more engaging and we have access to more playmates it creates more resiliency. So we have to consider: Do the environments we currently live in, at home and at work, elicit cues of play?

    If so, it’s a good practice to be conscious of those cues. If not, how can you create more cues in your environment that elicit a more playful neural response?

    Encourage play at home and at work

    Many companies are starting to create more enriching environments because the research is clear that it leads to happier, less stressed, more loyal and productive employees. If your workplace doesn’t you can take it into your own hands, create a joke board, or take mini-breaks where you intentionally watch a short video like the one above or hang out with nourishing people as a source of connection.

    At home you can consider what play means to you? This is usually something that you have been thinking of doing that your mind said was unimportant. Maybe you want to pick up the camera more, reconnect with old friends, read a pleasurable book, or take a 2-hour date with yourself weekly and do something out of your routine that feeds you. That’s how I got started.

    In our culture we see this as a luxury because we prize working over playing and our minds often say that “playing is unproductive.” This is one the biggest lies our brain tells us. The research is clear, those that integrate play into their lives are more likely to run the mazes faster and more efficiently.

    There are other tricks to uncovering a more playful life and even to finding playmates, but the first step is looking to your cues and starting to create more enriching playful environments. Then we need to actively create this for ourselves even in the face of the voices in our heads that say “I don’t deserve it” or “There are more important things to do.” In Uncovering Happiness, I call these “Negative Unconscious Thoughts” or NUTs as we often feel nuts when they’re around.

    The message here is:

    Being mindful of play and engaging it in your life can act as a natural anti-depressant, creating positive neural shifts that when practiced and repeated can contribute to an anti-depressant brain.

    Take a moment and share, what does play mean to you? How do you bring it into your life? Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

    Adapted from Mindfulness & Psychotherapy 



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  • When the Therapy Room Becomes Another Closed Door: Why Traditional Western Mental Health Care Fails Survivors of Torture and State Violence 

    When the Therapy Room Becomes Another Closed Door: Why Traditional Western Mental Health Care Fails Survivors of Torture and State Violence 

    A woman sits in a therapist’s office in a Western city. She fled her country after surviving months of detention, interrogation, and torture at the hands of a government that wanted to silence her. She made it out. She is, by every external measure, safe now. 

    The therapist is kind. Educated. Well-meaning. They ask her to rate her anxiety on a scale of one to ten. They suggest breathing exercises. They offer a worksheet on cognitive distortions. 

    She never comes back. 

    Each time, I feel the same quiet grief—not for the therapist’s failure of compassion, but for the field’s failure of imagination. 

    I have heard this story, in different forms, with different detail, more times than I can count. And each time, I feel the same quiet grief—not for the therapist’s failure of compassion, but for the field’s failure of imagination. 

    Traditional Western therapy was not designed for her. And until we are honest about that, we will keep losing people who have already survived the unsurvivable, not to their trauma, but to our inadequacy. 

    Examining Our Assumptions About Safety & Healing

    Western psychotherapy and mental health care rests on a set of foundational assumptions so embedded in the model that most practitioners never think to question them. 

    Western psychotherapy rests on a set of foundational assumptions so embedded in the model that most practitioners never think to question them.

    It assumes that healing is an internal process, something that happens inside one person, in a private room, between two people who meet weekly for fifty minutes. It assumes language is the primary vehicle for processing trauma. There is an understanding that emotions can and should be named, examined, and reframed. In this framework, safety is a feeling, one that can be cultivated through technique. 

    For survivors of torture and state violence, almost every one of these assumptions fails. 

    When a person has been systematically targeted by a government, imprisoned, interrogated, beaten, humiliated, sexually assaulted, subjected to mock execution, and stripped of their humanity, the wound is not primarily psychological in the Western sense. It reaches deeper than that. 

    The perpetrator was not an individual. It was a system, one that in many cases is still in power, still persecuting those left behind, still present in the world that survivors now have to live in and explain themselves within. 

    When Betrayal Revisits In a Place That Was Supposed to Be Safe

    For most survivors of state violence, the deepest wound is the destruction of trust—in institutions, in strangers, and in the world’s basic safety. That wound begins in their home countries, where the very governments meant to protect them become the source of persecution, imprisonment, torture, and terror. But for some survivors, the trauma does not end when they escape.

    I have worked with individuals who survived the Islamic Republic of Iran, the Taliban, and other repressive regimes, believing that if they could just reach the United States, they would finally be safe. They believed they had made it to a country built on democracy, due process, and human rights—a place where the rules would finally be different.

    Instead, some found themselves behind another locked door.

    For survivors who have already endured torture, the greatest injury is often not simply being harmed again—it is realizing that the place they believed would protect them became another source of fear.

    Survivors have described being held in detention under conditions they experienced as profoundly traumatizing. Several reported physical abuse, psychological abuse, prolonged isolation, humiliation, threats, and treatment that echoed the very tactics they had fled.

    What made this experience uniquely devastating was not only the suffering itself, but the betrayal. They expected cruelty from authoritarian regimes. They never expected to experience abuse in the country they believed represented freedom, justice, and the rule of law.

    Many have asked me, “If this can happen here, then where is safe?”

    For survivors who have already endured torture, the greatest injury is often not simply being harmed again—it is realizing that the place they believed would protect them became another source of fear. That second betrayal can fracture whatever fragile trust remained, leaving them feeling that nowhere in the world is truly safe.

    Offering An Anchor in Mental Health Care that Holds

    When someone survives torture by a government, they don’t just feel anxious or depressed. They lose their fundamental sense that the world is safe, that they matter, that life has meaning, that justice is real. They have been told, implicitly and explicitly, by their governments, their communities, and sometimes even their own minds, that their suffering did not matter. It shatters the ground a person stands on. No breathing exercise addresses that reality. No cognitive reframe touches it. 

    For this reason, I place greater emphasis on rebuilding trust, restoring agency, bearing witness, and creating relational safety before introducing any technique that requires sustained inward attention.

    I recognize that trauma-sensitive mindfulness has been helpful for some survivors. However, in my own clinical work with survivors of torture and state violence, I generally do not use mindfulness-based interventions that ask clients to focus inward on their bodies or remain in prolonged silence.

    People who have survived the unsurvivable are not waiting to be saved. They are waiting to be believed.

    Here’s why: Many of the people I work with learned that paying attention to their bodies meant anticipating pain. Their bodies are not experienced as places of safety, but as places where unimaginable violence occurred. Directing attention inward can evoke flashbacks, panic, dissociation, or overwhelming physiological arousal. Likewise, prolonged silence and stillness may closely resemble solitary confinement, detention, or interrogation, making these practices feel threatening rather than regulating.

    For many survivors, healing begins not with looking inward, but with discovering that another human being can remain present without causing harm.

    People who have survived the unsurvivable are not waiting to be saved. They are waiting to be believed, to have someone sit with them in their reality—not to fix it, not to reframe it, not to rush them toward resilience, but to say, simply and firmly: What happened to you was real. I believe you. And there is still a future that belongs to you. 

    Through my work with former political prisoners and survivors of torture, I had to unlearn many of the protocols and tools I was trained in. When we ask survivors to sit still, to maintain eye contact, to articulate what they are feeling in precise language, we are often asking them to do things that their bodies experience as threat. The clinical setting itself—enclosed, formal, power-imbalanced—can unconsciously mirror the very environments in which they were harmed. 

    Often the very vocabulary of Western mental health care—PTSD, trauma, triggers, self-care—often does not translate. Not just linguistically, but conceptually. Many of my clients do not identify as traumatized. They identify as survivors, as resisters, as people who did what they had to do. 

    In Western therapy, language is everything. Talk therapy is built on the premise that speaking about suffering is healing. But for many survivors I work with—Iranians, Afghans, people from communities with no cultural tradition of discussing psychological pain with a stranger—language is already a site of violence. They were interrogated. Their words were used against them. They learned, in the most brutal way possible, that speaking carries risk. And then we ask them to come into a room and speak.

    Beyond this, the very vocabulary of Western mental health care—like PTSD, trauma, triggers, self-care—often does not translate. Not just linguistically, but conceptually. Many of my clients do not identify as traumatized. They identify as survivors, as resisters, as people who did what they had to do. Pathologizing their experience, organizing it around a diagnosis, can feel like another form of erasure, another institution telling them who they are. 

    Perhaps the most undervalued skill in this work is simply the capacity to hear what happened and not look away.

    So What Does Actually Work? 

    For most survivors of state violence, the deepest wound is the destruction of trust—in institutions, in strangers, in the world’s basic safety. Healing begins not in a therapy room but in the slow, careful rebuilding of community: peer support, cultural spaces, shared ritual, the experience of being among people who won’t inflict pain, and where trust can start to be rebuilt. 

    Every culture has its own frameworks for understanding suffering and restoration. For my Iranian clients, poetry, Hafez, Rumi, the great Persian literary tradition, carries healing power that no DSM category can touch. For my Afghan clients, community prayer, collective mourning, the presence of elder women—these are not supplementary to treatment. They are treatment. Our role as practitioners is to make room for them, not to replace them. 

    Sustained, unflinching witness is profoundly healing, because it is the precise opposite of what the perpetrators wanted. They wanted silence. They wanted the world to look away. When we do not, we become part of the survivor’s resistance. 

    Perhaps the most undervalued skill in mental health care work is simply the capacity to hear what happened and not look away. Not to analyze or reframe. Not to move too quickly toward hope. To stay in the truth of what is being shared. This act of sustained, unflinching witness is profoundly healing, because it is the precise opposite of what the perpetrators wanted. They wanted silence. They wanted the world to look away. When we do not, we become part of the survivor’s resistance. 

    The mental health field is not malicious. Most practitioners who fall short with this population do so because they were never taught otherwise. Our training programs, our diagnostic frameworks—they were built for a different kind of suffering, in a different kind of world.



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  • A 12 Minute Meditation to Unhook from Negativity and Savor Joy

    A 12 Minute Meditation to Unhook from Negativity and Savor Joy

    Perhaps it seems strange to be investigating what we consider to be a positive emotion, but I think we often miss joy. We don’t actually pay a lot of attention to it; we can often let it slip by without much notice. The good news is, there are practices to cultivate it. And these practices can help us attend to and support joy in our felt experience. It’s actually a pretty important emotion.

    Joy aids us in waking up to our lives. And it’s a factor in supporting concentration. So if you’re someone who feels distracted much of the time, have difficulty focusing or paying attention, cultivating and attending to joy is a great way to deepen your concentration.

    First, let’s explore what joy is. For me, it can be pleasurable to experience, but it’s essentially different from pleasure. I experience joy as a really internal occurrence. It can be sparked by something external, but it’s also something I can very much cultivate internally. One of the great ways to do that is to consider the things in my life that I’m grateful for. Another way is to savor—really stop and savor—what’s beautiful and good and working in my life.

    This is a profoundly important ability because as humans we operate with a negativity bias. In and of itself, that bias makes a lot of sense: we tend to focus our minds on what is wrong or threatening or what could harm us so that we might be better protected through the vagaries of life. But if we allow that negativity bias to run rampant, we risk missing out on what’s beautiful and joyful and nourishing in our lives. Not to mention, we grow less and less equipped to actually cultivate such beauty and joy and nourishment ourselves. So training ourselves to receive and enjoy what’s good is no frivolous pursuit. Learning to savor joyful moments helps us unhook from negativity and open to new possibility.

    So let’s practice. And again, as we’ve done with all of our practices with emotions, we’ll mostly attend to the physical sensations of joy. And maybe we’ll see it grow as we pay attention to it. While we’re at it, we’ll also try to notice how focusing on joy can help strengthen our concentration. The great thing is, if you give the mind something pleasant and joyful to pay attention to, it will want to go there. Maybe you’ll decide to begin each mindfulness practice with joy cultivation. (Talk about a great motivator for sitting down for a few minutes). You may also want to employ this approach in your everyday life.

    A 12 Minute Meditation to Unhook from Negativity and Savor Joy

    Watch the video:

    Listen to the practice:

    Read and practice the guided meditation script below, pausing after each paragraph. Or listen to the audio practice.

    1. Let’s take our seat wherever we happen to be. As always, you’re welcome to lie down if you’re in a place where you can do that. Let’s take a few deeper breaths. Just settle in here: lengthen your inhale and your exhale. During these opening breaths, simply scan your mind and body and notice how you’re feeling. Let’s use the breath to bring some balance in this moment. If you’re feeling tired or drowsy, just take in a little bit more air, emphasize the inhale. If you’re feeling agitated or restless, emphasize the exhale—really extend it. And then allow your breath to come to its natural rhythm. Feel your contact with the chair, your feet on the ground. Find that support and contact with the earth.

    2. Now let’s bring to mind some recent joyful moments from our lives. Alternatively, you could reflect on some of the things you’re grateful for in your life. What’s working these days? You’re alive, so something must be working … Maybe it’s simply that you found this 30-day challenge and you’ve done some practices—you’ve found the time to take care of yourself in this way. Or maybe you’ve been seeing some benefits in your life. Perhaps there’s a relationship you’re enjoying; you’re feeling loved and connected. This could be with a person, or it could be that you have a puppy or a cat in your life. Or maybe you’ve been to a place that’s stirred joy in you: some place in nature, perhaps near a lake, surrounded by trees, a spot where you could gaze upon a vista you love. Choose one or a few moments to focus on and really get the joy going. What brings you joy? Maybe it’s recalling movement such as dancing or swimming or another physical activity that stirs joy for you. Perhaps it’s travel, a recent trip. Or maybe it’s learning something new.

    3. Really reflect on receiving the joy of these experiences. Bring your attention into your body. Notice how you experience joy in this moment. Where do you feel it in your body? The chest, the belly, the throat, the face? What do you notice? Is there a temperature to the joy? Is there a flow or movement to the energy of joy in your body? How big is it? As you pay attention to it, can you kind of relax your attention into the joy? Breathe into it. And if there’s a sense that this energy of joy wants to grow, let it. Maybe it expands to other parts of your body—all the way out to your fingertips and your toes. Just notice: is it tingling, vibrating, flowing?

    4. If at any point you lose that felt sense of connection, just recall again the images, people, situations that bring you joy. Then return to feeling into and savouring and maybe even expanding that felt sense and felt energy of joy in your body. Breathe into it.

    5. As we close out this short practice, let’s take a moment to reflect on and notice the people, places, situations that bring us joy. What were the things that really inspired a felt, energetic sense of joy for you? Maybe they surprised you. Maybe they’re things that you don’t do that often. But you could. You could bring more of that into your life. So, how could you do that?

    6. Before we finish, let’s make a simple commitment to do one of those things that brings us joy. Let’s commit to bringing in more of that joy-inducing activity or more of that connection or more time with the people in our lives that bring us joy.

    7. When you’re ready, open your eyes if they were closed. Take a deep breath. Are you orienting yourself to the space around you? Notice how you feel right now.

    As you go back into your day, I invite you to pay more attention to what’s joyful in your life. Then, commit to drawing more of that in, and to cultivating it further.

    About The Author



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  • Addiction, Recovery, and How Mindfulness Can Support Emotional Sobriety

    Addiction, Recovery, and How Mindfulness Can Support Emotional Sobriety

    As someone who has been sober for 26 years, and in my work as a recovery coach, I’ve come to understand there is more to recovery and wellness than being substance- free. While it may begin there, what is equally, if not more important, is our emotional sobriety.

    When I first heard the term emotional sobriety, it sounded like an unattainable, distant experience reserved for Buddhist monks. Heroines of mine like Tara Brach and Pema Chödrön seemed like they might have it nailed, but it felt well out of reach for someone like me. It wasn’t until I went through a particularly emotionally challenging time —one that ultimately became a portal—that I truly came to understand its significance and have since been able to share this important facet of recovery with my clients.

    When I first heard the term emotional sobriety, it sounded like an unattainable, distant experience reserved for Buddhist monks.

    One day my son announced he was moving from New York City to Los Angeles. On the surface his decision seemed exciting and full of promise, but he didn’t have a job or a place to live; he was going to figure it out once he got there. The ongoing uncertainty around his well-being pitched me over the edge. I was an anxious, nervous wreck. For weeks, I checked my phone to see if he had texted me, and scrolled through Instagram and Facebook, furtively scanning for little snippets of his life, trying to confirm if he was okay.

    His life had been my favorite TV show, and I couldn’t get my fix. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, couldn’t stop worrying, and I felt emotionally hijacked.

    Noticing When Your Past Shows Up In Your Present

    As the saying goes: When it’s hysterical, it’s historical. When I took a deeper dive in therapy, I began to understand why his departure had hit me so hard. It mirrored something much older. When I was in college, my mother abruptly moved to Switzerland. No long goodbye, no gradual adjustment — she was simply gone. Decades later, my nervous system didn’t know the difference between then and now.

    My body was grieving an old loss through a new one. I knew enough to attend Al-Anon meetings to try to unhook emotionally, but my peace of mind remained elusive.

    My body was grieving an old loss through a new one. I knew enough to attend Al-Anon meetings to try to unhook emotionally, but my peace of mind remained elusive.

    The shift came when I learned to meditate. As a novice, I was first encouraged to turn my attention to my breath, and to notice the moment, the pause, between my in-breath and my out-breath.

    As I practiced that awareness, an insight bubbled to the surface. My breath, the singular most subtle physical experience, was my life force. This quiet activity that happened without my making it happen—it was the defining characteristic between life and death. I felt a reverence for my breath that I had never had before. Slowly but surely, I developed the ability to observe how my mind, like a cricket, jumped from thought to worry to thought—and eventually, it began to settle.

    For many, substances helped to numb their feelings and had been a type of escape hatch. So when we put substances down, and come into a more intimate relationship with ourselves, being still and quieting our minds might not feel safe. We no longer have something to shut off the noise or dampen the fears.

    Over time, I felt at peace—I felt emotionally sober. I wasn’t scrambling for something outside of myself to ease my discomfort.

    Making the Mind a Quieter Place

    In my work with people who struggle with substance use disorders and/or eating disorders, many clients share with me that they continue to struggle with quieting their minds. For many, substances helped to numb their feelings and had been a type of escape hatch.

    So when we put substances down, and come into a more intimate relationship with ourselves, being still and quieting our minds might not feel safe. We no longer have something to shut off the noise or dampen the fears.

    In my coaching sessions, we discuss the concept of emotional sobriety, and I offer a variety of entry points, like: 

    • Breath work or a body scan
    • The “notice and name” technique
    • Practicing recruiting a sense of stability from the room and immediate surroundings
    • A short, guided meditation
    • Journaling for twenty minutes

    In all these small practices, I am gently guiding them to reconnect with themselves through curiosity rather than judgment. Given there is no single path to stillness, we find one that fits, and we go at the client’s pace.

    Being emotionally un-sober can look like checking out, endless distraction, mindless scrolling. Mindfulness practices help us, over time, to understand that we can be with our uncomfortable emotions without lurching for that escape hatch.

    What I’ve come to understand is that insight and self-awareness are essential, but even with the best intentions we can still get emotionally hijacked, triggered in an instant—and suddenly the urge to escape those uncomfortable feelings feels overwhelming.

    And while we might not reach for the substance or the activity that brought us to recovery in the first place—which is in itself, of course, a marvelous accomplishment—we might reach for other, perhaps more innocuous activities that serve a similar purpose. Being emotionally un-sober can look like checking out, endless distraction, mindless scrolling. Mindfulness practices help us, over time, to understand that we can be with our uncomfortable emotions without lurching for that escape hatch.

    What mindfulness and meditation offer, and what my clients tell me again and again, is a way to reset the emotional thermostat, regardless of what’s happening around them.

    A pause between the in-breath and the out-breath. A moment of choice where there used to be none.

    That is emotional sobriety.


    Stephanie Hazard is a certified peer recovery specialist (CPRS) as well as a certified Carolyn Costin Institute eating disorder recovery coach (CCIEDC). Her debut book, Making Sobriety Stick: A Recovery Coach’s Guide to Sustainable Change, will be released September 22nd during National Recovery Month, and can be pre-ordered at www.pathtowardrecovery.com.



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