Tony, age 50, is by far the oldest on the church stage during the flute recital. Surrounded by elementary-aged kids wearing frilly dresses and shiny shoes, Tony stands tall, wearing a red bow tie, and proudly holding his flute. He’s willing to weather the looks of surprise as he towers over the other musicians, and is uplifted seeing the look of pride on his wife’s face in the crowd as he plays.
It hasn’t always been this way, though. Tony faced a lot of self-doubt in picking up the flute again after 50 years. He carried its case with him in every move, but was hesitant to open it. He didn’t want to be reminded of how long it’s been since he had practiced. It seemed too hard to pick up again. He didn’t know if he had the lung capacity anymore and was afraid of calling a flute teacher who might criticize him the way his high school band coach did. Tony also thought he didn’t have time to play. He was too busy working and taking his wife to doctor’s appointments, his wife who recently was diagnosed with cancer. Playing the flute and creative expression felt secondary to more important things.
What Keeps Us Stuck
What about you? I imagine you have creative activities that are lurking in the background that you keep putting off.
You tell yourself you don’t have enough time, that it’s too late, or that you are too old. Or, maybe you hold back because you think you aren’t good enough. You too have a box of art supplies, an instrument case, a list of classes, or a good idea that you have been lugging around for years. Or, maybe you are already doing it, but only doing it half way.
If you made a list of all the ideas you’ve had but never pursued, the activities you loved but put on the back burner, or artistic pursuits that you’ve always wanted to try, but never had the courage—what would rise to the surface?
Let’s find out. Grab a sheet of paper or open your note-taking app and make a list of any activities and pursuits that come to mind. When you’re done, read it over. Notice what you’re feeling and where in your body you feel it.
You might feel a sense of grief or regret. Maybe some confusion. Maybe frustration. Or, maybe you just feel resigned that this is just the way it is.
If you’re feeling stuck and you’re curious about how to move forward, let’s look at a few of what I call Wisdom Building Questions that can draw out your creative courage and expression. These can make an excellent journaling exercise.
1. What Do You Value Most?
Early in our therapy together, I asked Tony about activities he used to love to do, but has put on the back burner because of the stress and the business of life. The first thing he said was playing the flute. And he lit up while talking about it.
I followed his energy and asked more questions.
Tony described how he loved playing the flute as a teenager. It was a way to express himself when she couldn’t with words, and it felt good in his body to breathe out a long, slow breath during times of stress. Plus, music connected him to his mother, who passed away two years ago, and whom he was still grieving. His father loved classical music, and when he played his father’s favorite pieces, he could feel a connection. It soon became obvious that flute playing wasn’t secondary to other important things: it was what revitalized him, de-stressed him, and connected him when he needed support.
With just a short exploration of his values, Tony was motivated to open that flute case and start playing again—not just for the fun of it, but for the psychological richness and depth the creative expression could offer him.
What about you? When it comes to your creative expression, what do you value most?
2. What Are You Avoiding, What Are You Clinging To?
When you hit writer’s block or keep canceling that jiu-jitsu class, it’s likely because you are caught in avoidance or gripping.
Recall that avoidance involves running away from discomfort, even if it means running away from what you really want. And that gripping involves holding on to beliefs about yourself, things staying the same, or attaching to a certain product at the expense of letting the process evolve.
For Tony, gripping looked like comparing herself to a younger, better flute player. And avoidance looked like opening up his emails instead of opening that music case.
Here are some quick ways you can identify clinging and avoiding:
Are You Gripping?
- Are you believing unhelpful thoughts that are getting in the way of your creativity, such as, “I can’t keep a tune,” “I’m too short,” or “I don’t have enough time?” What are they?
- Are you attached to an identity like, “I’m a guy, I can’t learn to knit” or “I’m a mom, I can’t belly dance”? What identity are you attached to?
- Are you holding tight to an outcome you can’t necessarily control like hitting the bestseller list for your book, getting chosen to be in a show for your art, or gaining a certain number of followers? What outcome keeps you rigid and bound up?
Are You Avoiding?
- Are you giving up when it gets frustrating, hard, or it feels like it’s going nowhere? What feelings make you quit?
- Are you hiding your work, not showing it to others, afraid of feedback? What do you fear people will think?
- Are you packing your schedule so there’s no time to create or scheduling over the times you set aside to create? What are you afraid will happen if you prioritize creativity?
- Do you cancel plans, opt out, distract yourself? What’s so hard about showing up?
- Are you only putting in half effort? What do you fear would happen if you were all in?
3. Are You Stuck in A Story?
After reading through your answers, see if you can uncover the big picture story that is keeping you stuck. Here’s Tony’s:
I am too old to play the flute again, it’s going to be too hard, and it’s humiliating to get on a stage with a bunch of kids. Everyone will laugh at me. Plus my wife needs me. It’s selfish and not worth my time.
What might your story be? And what might you gain by being willing to let it go?
If you see yourself in Tony’s story, and you can identify the lines you might be telling yourself over and over again that are keeping you scared and stuck—your job here is to face that story head-on and start to unravel it, so that you can open up your energy to move your creative expression up and out. This is how you begin to create an environment that will support your bold move.
