Health Journal Online

Tag: letting go

  • Foster Forgiveness With This 10-Minute Guided Meditation

    Foster Forgiveness With This 10-Minute Guided Meditation

    Explore this mindfulness practice to foster forgiveness and let go of the tendency to add to suffering during challenging situations.

    Two monks are walking down the road. They arrive at a muddy stream crossing, and a well-dressed woman declares without introduction, “Don’t just stand there. Someone carry me across this mess.“

    Without pause, the older monk lifts her across. She says nothing, not even a thank you.

    The two monks walk all day. The whole time, the younger one stews in his mind—How could he pick her up? We’re not supposed to touch women, or even talk to them. And she was so rude, someone should say something to her, she didn’t deserve our help.

    Finally, arriving at the inn for dinner, he can’t hold himself back. “What were you thinking?” he asks his friend. “She was nasty, and you broke the rules, and she didn’t even say thank you.”

    The older monk smiles gently and replies. “Wow, I put that woman down hours ago, but you’ve been carrying her all this time!”

    Why We Carry Anger and Resentment

    So what does that mean in real life? We make mistakes. Other people make mistakes. We do things to others. Others do things to us. There’s an actual experience that can be trivial or even traumatic. We add to the suffering with judgment, anger, and blame. It’s sometimes referred to as adding a second arrow after being struck by a first. Something unpleasant happens, but then we add more to the experience.

    With forgiveness, we make amends when needed but let go of the extra baggage. We give ourselves the same benefit of the doubt we’d offer a close friend.

    Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning ourselves or anyone else for misbehavior. But we so easily hold ourselves infinitely responsible, often for experiences utterly out of our control or from decades past. With forgiveness, we make amends when needed but let go of the extra baggage. We give ourselves the same benefit of the doubt we’d offer a close friend.

    On the other hand, we sometimes allow someone else to influence our lives long after they’ve gone in a similar fashion. Another driver cuts us off in traffic, putting us in danger, and then speeds off. The driver arrives at brunch and relaxes, but we make our own coffee break bitter dwelling in our own anger. It’s a concept that holds across larger situations too. Anger and resentment simmer and grow, while compassionate resolve allows us to address what needs addressing without slinging additional arrows.

    A Forgiveness Meditation to Let Go of Added Suffering

    1. Find yourself a comfortable posture, or take a moment lying on the floor, or a bed.
    2. Bring your attention to the physical sensation of breathing, noting whatever is grabbing your attention, or whatever you’re feeling now, and without judgment, bringing your attention back to the rising and falling of your breath.
    3. Picture something that comes to mind that you judge yourself for. Maybe you feel regret, or irritation, or sadness. Notice how it feels even bringing it to mind. Then focus on these three phrases, not forcing anything but setting an intention: I forgive myself for not understanding. I forgive myself for making mistakes. I forgive myself for causing pain and suffering to myself and others.
    4. Bring your attention back again and repeat the phrases. For a few moments instead of the breath using these phrases as a focus for your attention. This type of practice may become too painful. At any time, without judging yourself, come back and focus on the breath. Allow yourself to settle and return when you’re ready, now or maybe some time in the future.
    5. Our mind naturally holds onto instances where we feel mistreated by others. There may be experiences that were entirely wrong or traumatic or that concretely require our attention or action. At the same time, we can practice avoiding the second arrow. I forgive you for not understanding. I forgive you for making mistakes. I forgive you for causing pain and suffering to me and to others. Letting go of the tendency to add resentment and judgment and everything related to challenging and unpleasant situations. Again, if it’s too much to consider, return to breathing, or if you prefer, focusing on compassion for yourself instead.
    6. Practices of this kind can be quite challenging, so in these last few moments, on each in-breath, noticing and accepting whatever you feel right now. On each out-breath, as you would for a close friend, offering yourself relief, or freedom, or strength, or whatever first comes to mind.

    Forgiveness doesn’t mean being passive or not taking action. It doesn’t mean standing down when we need to protect ourselves or someone else from harm. Do what needs to be done—that might mean taking a pause, settling the mind, and trying to see things as clearly as possible before taking skillful action. Continue to practice forgiveness, over and over again, letting go of whatever holds you back.



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  • Decluttering—Outside and Inside – Mindful

    Decluttering—Outside and Inside – Mindful

    Sorting through and letting go of physical objects we no longer need teaches us about all the things we’re holding onto. As Barry Boyce realizes, it can also help us find kinder, wiser ways of decluttering our mind.

    Every Friday for the past two months, together with a couple of friends I’ve enlisted, I’ve been spending half the day going through stuff and sending it away—either to donation bins, friends, recycling, or the landfill. Don’t get me wrong. This is not a Marie Kondo-type thing. I’ve got a long way to go before my place would reach the pinnacle of utter simplicity she asks us to aspire to.

    I’m also not a hoarder, though. I’m just a middle-of-the-pack accumulator of stuff who has lived in the same place for 35 years, where we’ve raised some children, had some home offices, and indulged my predilection for kitchen gadgetry.

    I’ve done several purges before, but this one I’ve been putting off for far too long, surrounded by nests of stuff beckoning to me: What’s going to happen to me when you’re gone. When I told some friends about it, they put me on to Margareta Magnusson’s book with the gruesome title The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter. Yikes. I could not bring myself to label what I was doing as Swedish Death Cleaning. That’s just a little too on the nose.

    I also learned from friends who blazed this path before me that there’s lots of stuff nobody, including my children, wants. They don’t want the furniture I inherited from my parents (too old fashioned and no room for it anyway in the smaller-footprint places they live in), and their lifestyle has little to do with heirloom china, silver, and crystal. An article in Forbes confirmed that I’m far from alone. Apparently, says the magazine, all my furniture is lumped under the category of “brown pieces,” and nobody wants old brown pieces.

    This time around, though, I haven’t even gotten to the furniture: I was drowning in shelves and shelves of books, ancient records, mementos and souvenirs, old clothes and shoes, orphaned pieces of hardware, toys and games, and small mountains of obsolete electronics and mysterious cords and connectors. At times, when I wasn’t pulling my hair out trying to decide what to keep and what to discard (thank heaven for having friends there to break me out of that trance), I could crack a smile and remember George Carlin’s bit on stuff:

    A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you’re taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody’s got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff … That’s what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get…more stuff!

    In the middle of all this something surprising happened. Something kind of wonderful. I started to see past the stuff, to understand that objects take on meaning we cling to, but when that meaning is stripped away it becomes what it is: simply stuff. It’s the Buddhist principle of emptiness, which isn’t about a gaping black void, but rather about how the things of our world are empty of the deep meaning we attach to them. That old sweatshirt I loved so much is now nothing more than a rag

    Then, there’s the stuff of the mind, and that’s where the wonderful part comes in. Just as our worldly abode collects clutter, so too does our mental abode. It fills up with old ideas and viewpoints, grudges, regrets, hates and loves, opinions and mythologies, and memories of things we’ve done wrong that we sweep under the rug. Stuff we may not have looked at in a long time. But make no mistake: It’s there and it can guide our behavior.

    It can be just as valuable, and probably more so, to do some “Swedish Death Cleaning” with the clutter in our mind. As I started to embrace this fact—not for the first time in my life but more so this time—I began to appreciate the lightening and freedom that can come from going through my old mental stuff and doing some aerating and discarding. Every spiritual tradition has some form of going through your stuff, often called confession or atonement, and twelve-step programs ask one to make a “searching and fearless moral inventory.” 

    Just as our worldly abode collects clutter, so too does our mental abode. It fills up with old ideas and viewpoints, grudges, regrets, hates and loves, opinions and mythologies, and memories of things we’ve done wrong that we sweep under the rug. Stuff we may not have looked at in a long time.

    Just how we approach the old mental stuff we’re holding is critically important, though.

    For the icky and even ugly stuff we unearth, it’s so easy to beat ourselves up about it, which we falsely think will help matters. In fact, though, we need to forgive first, because if we don’t, the aggression we wield blocks out the light we need to shine on what we’ve done and how we’ve been holding it. If we get past the knee-jerk aggressive response, we may be able to see what we can learn from the past, repair anything that may be reparable, and then send that old mental stuff to the recycling bin.

    Decluttering the place where you live can bring spaciousness into your home. Decluttering what’s clogging up your mind lets space into every corner of your life.



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