Health Journal Online

Tag: Foster

  • Foster Forgiveness With This 10-Minute Guided Meditation

    Foster Forgiveness With This 10-Minute Guided Meditation

    Explore this mindfulness practice to foster forgiveness and let go of the tendency to add to suffering during challenging situations.

    Two monks are walking down the road. They arrive at a muddy stream crossing, and a well-dressed woman declares without introduction, “Don’t just stand there. Someone carry me across this mess.“

    Without pause, the older monk lifts her across. She says nothing, not even a thank you.

    The two monks walk all day. The whole time, the younger one stews in his mind—How could he pick her up? We’re not supposed to touch women, or even talk to them. And she was so rude, someone should say something to her, she didn’t deserve our help.

    Finally, arriving at the inn for dinner, he can’t hold himself back. “What were you thinking?” he asks his friend. “She was nasty, and you broke the rules, and she didn’t even say thank you.”

    The older monk smiles gently and replies. “Wow, I put that woman down hours ago, but you’ve been carrying her all this time!”

    Why We Carry Anger and Resentment

    So what does that mean in real life? We make mistakes. Other people make mistakes. We do things to others. Others do things to us. There’s an actual experience that can be trivial or even traumatic. We add to the suffering with judgment, anger, and blame. It’s sometimes referred to as adding a second arrow after being struck by a first. Something unpleasant happens, but then we add more to the experience.

    With forgiveness, we make amends when needed but let go of the extra baggage. We give ourselves the same benefit of the doubt we’d offer a close friend.

    Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning ourselves or anyone else for misbehavior. But we so easily hold ourselves infinitely responsible, often for experiences utterly out of our control or from decades past. With forgiveness, we make amends when needed but let go of the extra baggage. We give ourselves the same benefit of the doubt we’d offer a close friend.

    On the other hand, we sometimes allow someone else to influence our lives long after they’ve gone in a similar fashion. Another driver cuts us off in traffic, putting us in danger, and then speeds off. The driver arrives at brunch and relaxes, but we make our own coffee break bitter dwelling in our own anger. It’s a concept that holds across larger situations too. Anger and resentment simmer and grow, while compassionate resolve allows us to address what needs addressing without slinging additional arrows.

    A Forgiveness Meditation to Let Go of Added Suffering

    1. Find yourself a comfortable posture, or take a moment lying on the floor, or a bed.
    2. Bring your attention to the physical sensation of breathing, noting whatever is grabbing your attention, or whatever you’re feeling now, and without judgment, bringing your attention back to the rising and falling of your breath.
    3. Picture something that comes to mind that you judge yourself for. Maybe you feel regret, or irritation, or sadness. Notice how it feels even bringing it to mind. Then focus on these three phrases, not forcing anything but setting an intention: I forgive myself for not understanding. I forgive myself for making mistakes. I forgive myself for causing pain and suffering to myself and others.
    4. Bring your attention back again and repeat the phrases. For a few moments instead of the breath using these phrases as a focus for your attention. This type of practice may become too painful. At any time, without judging yourself, come back and focus on the breath. Allow yourself to settle and return when you’re ready, now or maybe some time in the future.
    5. Our mind naturally holds onto instances where we feel mistreated by others. There may be experiences that were entirely wrong or traumatic or that concretely require our attention or action. At the same time, we can practice avoiding the second arrow. I forgive you for not understanding. I forgive you for making mistakes. I forgive you for causing pain and suffering to me and to others. Letting go of the tendency to add resentment and judgment and everything related to challenging and unpleasant situations. Again, if it’s too much to consider, return to breathing, or if you prefer, focusing on compassion for yourself instead.
    6. Practices of this kind can be quite challenging, so in these last few moments, on each in-breath, noticing and accepting whatever you feel right now. On each out-breath, as you would for a close friend, offering yourself relief, or freedom, or strength, or whatever first comes to mind.

    Forgiveness doesn’t mean being passive or not taking action. It doesn’t mean standing down when we need to protect ourselves or someone else from harm. Do what needs to be done—that might mean taking a pause, settling the mind, and trying to see things as clearly as possible before taking skillful action. Continue to practice forgiveness, over and over again, letting go of whatever holds you back.



    Source link

  • Foster Your Authentic Self With These 4 Questions

    Foster Your Authentic Self With These 4 Questions

    When we fear that we can’t think and act as we truly are, we put parts of ourselves on hold. Here’s how we can begin to let go of expectations and pressures and tend to our wants and needs with kindness.

    Key Points

    • Authenticity is linked to happiness, confidence, and better relationships with ourselves and others, but fear holds us back.
    • Inquiring into our fears about showing up as our authentic self can help us understand barriers to authenticity and how we can move past them.
    • The meditation practice of loving-kindness is one way to build self-trust and connection with our inner truth and well-being.

    Did you know that authenticity is inextricably linked to happiness? To be authentic is to feel at home in your body, accepted into a particular group, and to feel true to our sense of values. It is a kind of confidence that doesn’t come from attaining something outside of ourselves, but knowing deeply we are enough whatever our particular feelings, needs, or skills are and that we add to the greater whole of life and matter. We can be true to our authentic self—to our own personality, spirit, or character—despite external pressures.

    Authenticity is one of the most important ingredients in creating a healthy and sustainable relationship. Yet it can also be one of the most challenging to practice on a day-to-day basis. Why? the answer is simple: fear. We fear that if we showed up as we truly are—saying, doing, and feeling the real things that are going on within us without augmenting or censoring ourselves in any way—that others might disconnect from us, feel upset with us, or even leave us.

    “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are.”
    —Brené Brown,
    author and researcher

    Authenticity: The Ultimate Practice of Letting Go

    Brené Brown, who has spent the past ten years studying authenticity, writes in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are.” Choosing authenticity means:

    • cultivating the ability to be imperfect
    • allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and
    • setting boundaries.

    If we aren’t being authentic with our deeper feelings and needs, then we can’t establish healthy boundaries. (In my last post, I share tools for how to cultivate compassionate boundaries at home and work.)

    One of the things I personally practice and share with my students that enhances authenticity is to choose “discomfort over discontentment.” For example, when fear arises, it can feel uncomfortable and to avoid discomfort we can distract or push away how we really feel and what we really need—but this is ultimately never satisfying.

    There is a risk involved when we put ourselves out there personally and professionally. However, if we don’t honor our true feelings and needs, they will eventually leak out when we sometimes least expect it and cause harm to oneself and others. The more we’re connected to our authentic self, the easier it becomes to live and lead from this place.

    Authenticity in Action

    I was sitting with Amy, a student in one of my Mindful & Well-Being programs at work. We were speaking to the practice of authenticity when she shared her feelings: “I feel afraid to share something with my husband—I am afraid it will ‘ruin’ our night and he will disconnect from me. I am afraid of his reaction. So I tuck it under the rug. Then it arises again a few days later and I put it off again. Resentment builds within me and I start to feel disconnected from him. After a week, a wall begins to form between us. I start to feel less connected to myself. He asks what is wrong and notices that I feel distant. My feelings have built up so much that I explode in a fit of anger and frustration. We get into a fight. All of this could have been prevented if I had just had the courage to share what I was really feeling and needing.”

    Authenticity Practice: 4 Questions for Authenticity

    Think of a recent experience with a partner, friend, family member, or co-worker where you wanted to be your authentic self but weren’t. Imagine pausing at the height of this interaction and asking yourself the following questions:

    1. What am I afraid would happen if I shared my experience right now with this person?
    2. How will feel if I don’t share what I’m thinking and feeling?
    3. If I weren’t afraid, what would I most want to say to this person right now?
    4. How can I share this with even more vulnerability?

    I asked these questions to Amy (the student above) and these were her responses:

    1. What are you afraid would happen if you really shared your truth with your husband? That he won’t love or accept what I want to share, and this will create conflict and he will become defensive and/or distant with me.
    2. How will you feel if you don’t share this? I will become angry at myself and him for not sharing my feelings and needs. I will then likely then be aggressive or distant with him.
    3. If you weren’t afraid, what would you most want to say? I would say, “Sweetheart, I know your mother is coming out for a visit next month, but I would really prefer she only stay with us for three days instead of a whole week. I understand you have a close relationship with her, but due to our work schedules during her visits, I often feel overwhelmed by her demands on top of our full schedules. I feel the duration of her visit puts a strain on our relationship and makes it difficult to enjoy the time she is here. I feel it would be easier and more enjoyable for everyone if she spent half the time with us and half the time with your sister, or maybe there is a way that you can take some time off to spend more time with her? I don’t know what the solution is and I would like your support and welcome your input. I want to have a good visit with her and I know that is important to you too. Could we come up with a plan that works for both of us for her visit?”

    How Do We Listen to the Internal and External Pressures and Make the Right Decision?

    When we meditate, we sense the interconnectedness of all beings and can tap into what matters to us. Authenticity is an important value of mine. I grow my authenticity daily by loving myself enough to take the risk to show myself warts and all to my friends, family, clients, and the world. It can be really scary sometimes and fear often shows up right before I show my truth. Fear will say, “What if others don’t love or accept this part of me?” They may not, but no one is ever going to love or like everything about me. The consequence of not being real and genuine is that I start to live only from a few rooms in the “Carley Castle” and I put the rest of me that is bright, loud, and a little silly at times in the closet. Who wants to live life like that? I have lived this way before and it wasn’t fulfilling. So I am opening doors, closets, and sharing these authentic parts of me in skillful ways personally and professionally.

    “Loving-kindness” is defined as a well wishing for oneself and others. It also has the meaning of trusting oneself and trusting that we have what it takes to know ourselves thoroughly and completely without feeling hopeless, and most importantly, without turning against ourselves for what we see.

    The practice of loving-kindness has been a large support of mine that aids in authenticity. “Loving-kindness” is defined as a well wishing for oneself and others. It also has the meaning of trusting oneself and trusting that we have what it takes to know ourselves thoroughly and completely without feeling hopeless, and most importantly, without turning against ourselves for what we see.

    8 Ways to Be Your Authentic Self

    • Maintain alignment between what you feel and need and what you say and do.
    • Make value-based choices while taking into account intuition, research, and the bigger picture.
    • Do something each day that reflects your deepest needs, wishes, and values.
    • Speak up for yourself and ask for what you want.
    • Don’t put up with abuse of any kind.
    • Give up designing your behavior by the desire to be liked (be imperfectly perfect and yourself!)
    • State and maintain your boundaries, especially about the level of energy you can handle being around or taking in.
    • Offer your fear loving-kindness and compassion.

    Keep Learning and Growing

    A regular meditation practice facilitates and enhances authenticity. When we are mindful, we are leaning in and listening to what is true and matters in the midst of the external forces, pressures, and influences that can often times be in opposition to our internal truth and knowing.

    Another way to cultivate authenticity is setting goals for learning, which helps us experiment with our identities without feeling like impostors. We shouldn’t expect to get everything right from the start. We stop trying to protect our comfortable old selves from the threats that change can bring, and start to explore how we can lead our lives from greater authenticity, power, and well-being.



    Source link