The invitation with this practice is to put aside ideas and concepts about differences, shame, fear, survival, and the rest, and to simply see if you can begin to develop a felt sense of common humanity. What you are tapping into here is the awareness that all of us wish for happiness and freedom from suffering, that this too is a part of our common humanity.
A “Just Like Me” Practice to Expand Your Circle of Compassion
This meditation is inspired by the writing and teaching of Thupten Jinpa in his book A Fearless Heart: How the courage to be compassionate can transform our lives.
Take some time to settle into your body for a few minutes, allowing your attention to drop inside. Take note of whatever is present in the way of sensation inside your body. You may notice the touch of clothing, the pressure of the supporting surface on certain parts of your body, or just sensations of coolness or warmth, relaxation or tension, ease or discomfort. Take note of where and how you are in this moment. You may notice the movement of breath into and out of the body as well, recognizing that the breath has continued to move on its own since you last attended to it.
Imagine someone whom you hold dear, someone who brings a smile to your face when you think of them, someone with whom you have a relatively easy and uncomplicated relationship. This may be a family member like a child, a grandparent, or even a pet. Try to go beyond the idea of this being and see if you can actually feel what it feels like to be in their presence.
Notice any pleasant feelings that may arise as you hold this beloved being in your awareness and see how easy it is to acknowledge that they, too, have the same aspiration for genuine happiness that you have.
Now call to mind someone else, someone that you recognize but don’t have much meaningful interaction with and don’t feel any particular closeness to. This may be a person whom you see quite often, on the street, behind the counter at your favorite coffee shop, or driving the bus you take regularly. Notice what feelings arise for you as you picture this person and how these feelings may be different from what you felt in regard to the loved one you imagined first.
See if you can imagine what it might be like to be this person. Usually, we don’t give much thought to the happiness of people in neutral roles in our lives like this. Imagine their life, their hopes and fears, which are every bit as real, complex, and challenging as yours. You may even recognize a certain similarity between yourself and this other person at the level of your common humanity. “Just like me, she wishes to be happy and to avoid even the slightest suffering.”
Next, take some time to see if you can call to mind someone you don’t know at all, and who seems very much unlike you at first glance. Perhaps an image comes to mind from the news or in your imagination or from your previous travels. Maybe consider someone facing hardships far different from your own right now. Perhaps you might call to mind someone who doesn’t look like you . . . or someone who has an entirely different cultural background or life circumstances. You may find yourself thinking just now of people suffering through war or resisting tyranny anywhere on the globe.
Take the time to see if you can look past the differences to what you have in common with this person or these people. Imagine looking into their eyes, sitting with them in meditation, feeling just a little of the joy and pain and sorrow and fear that they may experience . . . simply because they are human, just like you.
See if you can put yourself in this person’s shoes for a moment, recognizing that they are an object of deep concern to someone, a parent or a spouse, a child or a dear friend of someone. Begin to acknowledge that even this person who seems so different has the same fundamental aspiration for happiness that you have. Allow your attention to stay with this awareness for some period of time (say 20 to 30 seconds). Allow thoughts and feelings to come and go as they will, as you remain present to whatever arises, with no other agenda but to observe and be kind to yourself in that presence.
Finally, see if you can bring together these three people in one mental picture in front of you. Take some time to reflect on the fact that they all share a basic yearning to be happy and free from suffering. At this dimension, there is no difference between these three people. In this fundamental aspect, they are exactly the same. Just take the time to relate to these three beings from that perspective, from the point of view that they share the aspiration for happiness and a kind of perfect imperfection.
Now include yourself in this circle of awareness, reminding yourself that: These people have feelings, thoughts, and emotions, just like me. These people, during their lives, have experienced physical and emotional pain and suffering, just like me. These people have been sad, disappointed, angry or worried, just like me. These people have felt unworthy or inadequate at times, just like me. These people have longed for connection, purpose, and belonging, just like me. These people want to be happy and free from pain and suffering, just like me. These people want to be loved, just like me.
With this deep recognition that the desires to be happy and to overcome suffering are common to all, silently repeat this phrase: “Just like me, all others aspire to happiness and want to overcome suffering.”
Take some time to sit with whatever wishes or feelings arise from this practice, allowing them to arise and fall away. Your only agenda is to notice and take note of their arising.
This guided meditation is a simple practice to help us navigate the ups and downs of everyday life challenges with a kind and open heart.
Often when we’re struggling with challenging situations or emotions, the things that feel the most supportive aren’t complex techniques, but just simple, down-to-earth practices.
In this podcast episode, teacher and leadership trainer Carley Hauck introduces a practice for working with difficult emotions that’s all about noticing the body and visualizing the support, care, and wisdom to stay present to the right-now experience. In a world that feels increasingly complex and uncertain, Carley’s guidance is like a gentle hand on the back, encouraging us to slow down and find calm amidst the chaos. She shows us how to face life’s challenges with a kind and open heart, reminding us that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes.
A Guided Meditation for Working With Difficult Emotions
For this meditation, allow yourself to come into a comfortable sitting position. Feel your feet firmly planted on the floor. Notice your posture as you’re sitting. Allow your shoulders and your upper back to relax.
Begin to notice the rhythm of your breath as you breathe in and out. It may even be helpful to place one hand on your lower abdomen. And as you breathe in, you feel the stomach rise. And as you breathe out, you feel the stomach fall.
Start to notice the slowing down of your heart rate, of your blood pressure, allowing you to fully be here in this present moment.
Bring to mind a situation that occurred recently where you felt sadness or disappointment. It doesn’t need to be the most difficult experience, but just something moderately difficult so that you can practice. It may even be something that hasn’t happened yet, but that you are feeling sad, disappointed, or anxious about.
Turn your attention to the physical body. As you’re reflecting on this situation of sadness, what do you feel in the body right now? Is there tightness or tension behind the eyes? Is there a heaviness in the shoulders or your head? What are you aware of right now?
With a compassionate curiosity, turn towards your experience. Everything is welcome right now.
If you find it difficult to be with what’s arising, that’s okay. Use the breath as a stabilizer, helping you to fully be here to whatever is arising and passing in the mind and the body and the heart. It might also help to name the feelings that are here for you, like sadness, loss, or disappointment.
If this feels comfortable for you, allow yourself to imagine a wise and loving figure who is cradling you. They have enveloped you with strong and loving arms. And they’re stroking your head and repeating, “It’s okay. I am here for you.” Let yourself take that in. Receive the support.
If there’s anything else that you need to hear to really feel supported right now, allow that to come into your awareness. What words or gestures would feel most comforting and helpful?
Notice what’s happening in your physical body as you receive this support. Is there heaviness? Is there peace? Acceptance?
When you’re feeling ready, you can thank this loving figure for its support and presence. You are centered, strong, resilient. And you are ready to meet the day.
When you feel ready, allow yourself to slowly transition back into your day—slowly open your eyes, feel your feet on the floor, notice your surroundings. Thank you for your practice today.
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Poetry can seem intimidating, but all it really asks us to do is slow down, get curious, and notice. It’s a lot like meditation! Here are seven mindful prompts to help you discover the nurturing practice of reading poetry.
Poetry is a quiet sanctuary for the mind. Its rhythm and vivid imagery invite us to immerse ourselves. By exploring the depths of a poem, we embark on a journey of self-discovery, connecting with emotions, sensations, and the underlying wisdom within the words. This exploration can be a profound practice in mindfulness, cultivating peace, clarity, and a deeper appreciation for life’s complexities.
Reading poetry isn’t just an intellectual pursuit. We encounter poetry in our everyday lives, whether on a meditation retreat, in quotes or videos on social media, and sometimes in everyday interactions with others. So, how does poetry differ from anything else we read, and why does it deserve special consideration?
While poetry may seem intimidating, all it really asks of you is to be curious, present, and open to listening to your intuition so you may connect with the words on the page.
Poetry has a more challenging job than a novel that is typically linear in its construction. Most poems compress meaning into various poetic structures while using tone and literary devices to express ideas and emotions. When we pay attention to these details, we can better unpack a poem and the multifaceted meanings that exist in it. The sometimes more abstract language of poetry also engages our intuition in a unique way, tapping into our emotions. Poetry also allows for ambiguity and uncertainty about its meaning, making more space for each reader’s individual experience.
While poetry may seem intimidating, all it really asks of you is to be curious, present, and open to listening to your intuition so you may connect with the words on the page. There’s no right or wrong way to read or experience poetry, much like there’s no right or wrong way to experience meditation.
Mindful Prompts for Poetry Reading
When you read a poem, try asking yourself the following questions to gain deeper understanding of both the poem and how it affects you:
What mood does this poem evoke?
What emotions are coming up for me?
What is this poem describing?
These questions can serve as helpful entry points for any poem. Checking in with our emotions can be an easy way to notice a poem’s effect on us.
Next, you might ask yourself:
What stands out immediately?
Or, as Allen Ginsberg used to say, “Notice what you notice.” You may notice a repeated text pattern or a specific description of an object, a shift in tone, or a point of view. Simply identify something specific that sticks out to you.
Last, ask yourself:
Who is speaking in this poem?
Who or what is the poem addressing?
What questions do I have after finishing the poem?
When you’re done, consider what these prompts bring to light. Did you gain some kind of understanding? Explore your beliefs? Something else?
Explore Your Experience
Now that we’ve explored the prompts to help us better understand poetry’s qualities, we can put them into practice by taking a closer look at the following excerpt from poet Catherine Barnett’s “Critique of Pure Reason” from her collection Solutions for the Problem of Bodies in Space.
Inspired by the work of philosopher Immanuel Kant, this poem helps explore the existential. Barnett typically asks deep, abstract questions about the quotidian parts of our lives while keeping an intellectual curiosity about human existence and our habits and behaviors. Barnett’s poems often invite a sense of internal dialogue or philosophical rumination. Considering the addressee in her poetry opens a conversation about intimacy, self-awareness, and uncertainty. Let’s take a closer look at an excerpt from the poem:
With him pressed so close beside her, she couldn’t sleep. Perhaps it was his skin, or the rain. It kept raining.
She lay there trying to remember exactly how many thoughts she could have. Was it 30,000 or 70,000? Per hour?
Or was it per minute? She’d heard from someone who’d heard from someone
who listened to the number, whatever it was, from an HVAC specialist.
Take out a notebook and pen or open a word document and reflect on this poem with the help of the prompts:
What mood does this poem evoke?
What emotions are coming up for me?
What is this poem describing?
What stands out immediately?
Who is speaking in this poem?
Who or what is the poem addressing?
What questions do I have after finishing the poem?
Meditation and poetry ask us to use the same tools:
Slowing down
Being a curious observer of our experience
Connecting our body and mind
By reading poetry mindfully, we can gain a deeper understanding of both the poem and our inner landscape. Approaching poetry with curiosity and mindfulness opens the door to deeper understanding and richer engagement. Next time you read a poem, try using these prompts to discover what resonates for you.
Earlier this year, the Mindful editorial team had the joy of interviewing 10 women leading the charge to make the world a more kind, connected place for our 2025 edition of the Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement feature article. With each conversation, we were inspired by these women’s stories, heartened by their dedication to true compassion, and puzzled over how we were going to fit so much wisdom into such short profiles. Spoiler alert: Despite our best efforts, a lot of great stuff ended up having to be cut. Here, we’re sharing some of their wise words that didn’t make it into the feature, but deserve to be shared.
To learn more about The Powerful Women of the Mindfulness Movement: 2025, check out the feature article here, and guided meditations by the women here.
12 Inspirational Quotes About Compassion
1. “If the backbone of compassion stands that we want all beings to benefit from these practices, then that includes the vast array of wiring and diversity of people that we have in this world.” – Sue Hutton
2. “As research shows, we feel empathy naturally for people who are in the in-group and for not the outgroup, so that’s where the practice of compassion comes in. We cannot just rely on our human instincts to feel compassion, because we live in a world where people have different identities, different worldviews, different cultures and habits. Especially right now with social media creating more divisiveness, actively cultivating compassion becomes really important.” – Shalini Bahl
“Compassion is very clear-eyed. It’s not sentimental, it’s very clear-eyed and wise and objective.”
Vidyamala Burch
3. “Compassion is very clear-eyed. It’s not sentimental, it’s very clear-eyed and wise and objective.” – Vidyamala Burch
4. “The goal of meditation is not focus. It’s not calm. Those are avenues. The goal is ultimately to get to present awareness, and then we become aware of how we treat others, the impact we’re having. We can make adjustments in real time where we can expand who we are, expand our compassion, expand our impact on the world.” – Nanea Reeves
5. “The ethics of belonging pushes us to question those narratives that we have created, those cultural narratives, and then also our own idea of self, into then breaking that pattern of not seeing life in everything that is, or every being that is—and then approaching all of our experiential life and all phenomena as our kin.” – Yuria Celidwen
“I think when we are really mindful, we can’t help but be compassionate.”
S. Helen Mall
6.“I think when we are really mindful, we can’t help but be compassionate.” – S. Helen Ma
7. “The work of self-compassion is incredibly transformative work. But some people approach it from the perspective of, I’m going to get these practices and tools that will help me become a better person. There’s a tinge of self-improvement. In my experience, compassion is not something that we have to strive to get, that we either succeed or fail at. It is a byproduct of resting as ourselves.” – Caverly Morgan
8. “Disconnection is reflected in dehumanization, in disengagement, and in domination—all these ways oppression and traumas pull us out of our connection to ourselves, to humanity…The idea of reconnection is the path.” – Shelly Harrell
9. “If you’re going on a journey with someone, what kind of person do you want to go on a journey with? It’s really hard to enjoy the journey when there’s somebody in the seat beside you heckling you, putting you down, and telling you you’re not enough all the time. You’ll be a much nicer companion for your journey through life if you’re supportive and kind and respectful and encouraging.” – Melli O’Brien
“How do we learn to listen to the world, to the whole living, beautiful mother planet that we inhabit?”
Yuria Celidwen
10. “Even when we may feel emotionally aroused or disinterested, we can still sit there to listen to others. And by others, I don’t only mean other human experiences, but rather the whole natural thing. How do we learn to listen to the world, to the whole living, beautiful mother planet that we inhabit?” – Yuria Celidwen
11. “We can use all kinds of words and feel warm and fuzzy in ourselves—which is a start, to warm our own hearts through practice—but compassion and love have to have a connected quality where we also care about how it’s expressed, how it lands, and how it’s experienced. It’s that distinction between intention and impact. We can have the greatest intentions and the impact can still be harmful.” – Shelly Harrell
12. “For me personally, not just mindfulness, but self-compassion equally has been an absolute super power in my life because I can’t do anything that I’m doing in this world, I can’t share my gifts with the world, if I’m hooked by a voice in my head that that’s just like Everything I do sucks.” – Melli O’Brien
Relationships of all kinds are dynamic. There are ups and downs, seasons of flourishing, and seasons that feel frustrating and dry. Whether romantic, familial, or platonic, they all require care, attention, and intention to thrive.
Our days are so filled with obligations, pressures, and distractions. It’s easy to slip into autopilot, where communication becomes transactional, and moments of connection feel few and far between.
Before we know it, we’re just not connecting in the ways we need the most. Communication might feel tense or rushed. Resentment can build up. Where we long to feel trust and easy intimacy, we might feel distance.
When connection feels thin, there’s usually a main culprit: We’ve forgotten how to be fully present with this person we care about so much. If we’re wrapped up in the past, holding on to frustrations or grievances, we’re more likely to miss moments of potential gratitude, closeness, and support. If we’re caught up in worry about the future, we’re more likely to miss the goodness that abounds in the here and now.
The newly launched Relationship Affirmations Deck explores the many ways in which mindfulness offers a powerful antidote to this disconnect. By incorporating mindfulness into our relationships, we can cultivate deeper understanding, empathy, playfulness, and appreciation for those we hold dear.
4 Simple, Mindful Practices to Nourish Relationships
Whether you’re looking to reconnect after a period of distance, or you just want to build on what you already have, mindful relationship practices can help. Let’s look at four mindful ways to nourish connection in your relationships, helping them grow stronger and more fulfilling over time.
1. Practice Active Listening
Here’s a question to gently ask yourself: How often do I truly listen to others without planning a response, letting my thoughts wander, or interrupting? It’s more challenging than you might think.
Active listening is a cornerstone of mindfulness in relationships, requiring full presence and an open heart.
What is active listening?
Active listening involves giving your undivided attention to the speaker, genuinely seeking to understand their perspective. This means suspending judgment, refraining from offering solutions unless asked, and showing that you value their words.
How to incorporate active listening into your relationship
Here are three ways you can boost your active listening skills.
Don’t let distraction get the upper hand. Put away devices like phones or laptops. Face the person you’re speaking with, maintain eye contact, and let them know they have your attention.
Use verbal and nonverbal cues. Nod, lean in, smile, or say things like, “I hear you,” or “Tell me more.” These small gestures show engagement and encouragement.
Reflect and validate. When your conversation partner is done talking, it can help to summarize what they’ve said to confirm you understand. For example: “It sounds like you felt hurt when that happened. Is that right?” Remember, validation doesn’t mean agreeing; it simply acknowledges their feelings as real and understandable.
By practicing active listening, you create a reliable space for your partner or loved one to share openly, which strengthens trust and intimacy.
2. Be Intentional About Gratitude and Appreciation
In long-term relationships, it’s easy to take the other person for granted. Over time, we may focus more on what’s lacking or on minor annoyances than on the things we admire about our partner, family members, or close friends.
Why gratitude matters in relationships
Gratitude shifts attention to the positive aspects of your relationship, reminding you of the qualities and experiences you cherish. When expressed regularly, appreciation fosters feelings of being seen, valued, and loved.
At first it can feel awkward to be intentional about gratitude. Calling out specific examples might even feel a little silly. But this practice has been shown again and again to shift our perspective, to sharpen our awareness of all the goodness around us and all the ways we’re held up and supported. All of this makes us better friends, partners, parents, and co-workers, deepening the bonds we share.
How to practice gratitude together
If you want to boost your experience of gratitude and aren’t sure where to begin, here are three simple strategies that can get you started.
Start a daily gratitude practice. This does not have to be complicated or drawn out! Each day, share one thing you’re grateful for about your partner or your relationship. It could be something small, like how they made you coffee, or something significant, like their support during a tough time.
Write thank-you or love notes. Leave a heartfelt note expressing appreciation for something specific they’ve done. Over time, these little gestures build a reservoir of positive feelings.
Celebrate the small wins. Acknowledge and celebrate each other’s achievements, no matter how minor. Recognizing effort strengthens your bond and boosts mutual respect.
When gratitude becomes a habit, it acts as a glue that holds your relationship together through ups and downs. Over time, noticing what’s working becomes the default. When frustrations or disappointments occur—which they inevitably will in our imperfect human relationships—you’ll have this large bank of truthful, positive reminders to draw from.
3. Be Present for Shared Experiences
Relationships thrive on shared experiences, but the depth of connection depends on how present you are in those moments. Whether it’s a dinner date, a weekend hike, or simply watching a movie together, mindfulness can transform routine activities into meaningful bonding opportunities.
What is shared presence and why does it matter?
It’s easy to assume that spending time together automatically equals connection. But proximity isn’t the same as presence. You can sit next to someone for hours and still feel a million miles apart. What transforms time into connection is being fully there.
“Being present” is a phrase you’ll see a lot in mindful spaces. While it can sound a little vague and New Agey, in reality, it’s a very practical approach to investing in our ordinary, everyday lives.
When we talk about being fully present, what we mean is that we’re marshaling our attention on purpose. That looks like putting our focus on the person we’re with, opening our ears and our hearts to them. It also involves being in our bodies—noticing sights, sounds, smells, and sensations—instead of always stuck in our heads and the stories we get hooked on. We’re not getting caught up in something that happened earlier or something that’s going to happen later. When our attention drifts, which it will, we just gently bring it back.
When you’re fully present, even mundane moments become an opportunity for connection. Presence fosters intimacy, as it shows the person you’re with that they are worth your undivided attention.
Ideas for mindful shared experiences
There are so many fun and creative ways to build shared experiences. Here are just a few ideas you can try:
Mindful meals. Shared meals used to be a cornerstone of cultural connection, and in some places, people are trying to bring them back to combat the epidemic of loneliness that has seeped into Western culture. A mindful meal is simply a meal without distractions. It doesn’t have to be fancy at all. The focus is on savoring the flavors, enjoying the ambiance, and engaging in conversation.
Digital detox dates. Set aside time to disconnect from screens and connect with each other. Use this time to talk, play a game, or try something new together.
Explore something new. Novelty and spontaneity strengthen bonds by creating new, positive associations. Take a dance class, cook a new recipe, or visit a place neither of you has been before.
Practice mindfulness together. Meditate, do yoga, or simply sit quietly and breathe together. Shared mindfulness practices can deepen your emotional connection and align your energies.
One additional benefit of intentional presence? We remember things more vividly. By being fully present during shared experiences, you create memories that are rich in connection and joy.
4. Practice Compassion and Forgiveness
No relationship is immune to conflict or mistakes. In these moments, the way we respond determines whether we drift apart or grow closer. Practicing compassion and forgiveness is a mindful approach to navigating challenges while strengthening the bond between you.
Why compassion and forgiveness are so crucial to connection
Compassion involves understanding and caring for your partner’s feelings, even when you disagree or feel hurt. It’s about recognizing their humanity and approaching difficulties with kindness rather than judgment.
Forgiveness is an emotionally-complicated and often-misunderstood concept. People sometimes fear that forgiveness is the same as saying what happened was okay, or that it means we “forget” or pretend it never happened. That isn’t the case with healthy forgiveness.
Holding onto resentment creates barriers to intimacy. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning hurtful behavior, but rather letting go of the emotional weight it carries, so you can move forward together.
How to practice compassion and forgiveness
Studies have shown that a regular mindfulness practice makes forgiveness easier, in part because it expands our compassion and makes seeing another perspective less difficult. Here are five habits that foster real, healthy compassion and forgiveness.
Pause before reacting. When emotions flare, take a breath. That pause can be the difference between a response that builds connection and one that tears it down.
Include yourself. Often the person we are hardest on is ourselves. The more we practice taming our ferocious inner critic, the more likely we are to be able to extend that same grace to others.
Seek understanding. Ask yourself: What might they be feeling or fearing? What’s beneath their words or actions?
Apologize and accept apologies. A sincere “I’m sorry” can be healing. So can saying, “I forgive you.” Neither one erases the hurt, but both open the door to repair.
Let go of what no longer serves you. Resentment is heavy. Releasing it—through mindfulness, journaling, or therapy—creates space for something lighter.
Compassion and forgiveness aren’t always easy. Some might say that these can be the most challenging part of a mindfulness journey, but they are what allows relationships to grow through challenges rather than crumble beneath them.
Building a Relationship That Feels Alive
Mindfulness in relationships isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence—about showing up, over and over, in small but meaningful ways. When we listen deeply, express gratitude, share moments with presence, and choose compassion, we create a relationship that feels alive, tender, and worth tending to.
And here’s the beautiful thing: every moment is a chance to begin again. So, whether you’re navigating a tough season or just looking to strengthen what’s already good, start small. Start today. The relationships that matter most are worth it.
Put the Focus Back On Connection with Relationship Affirmations
If you’re looking for a wonderful companion product that can support your journey to mindful, meaningful connection, you’ll love our new Relationship Affirmations card deck.
52 beautifully designed, high-quality cards, each featuring a unique mindful phrase.
A simple wooden holder to display each day’s card. A QR code on the back of each card that links to 25 bonus premium digital practices, like coaching and guided meditations.
This deck provides a simple reminder that brings your attention back to gratitude, compassion, honest communication, and healthy interactions. Whether used alone or with a loved one, these cards can provide the gentle structure and support to help you grow your relationships with care and intention.
Life is inherently changeable and uncertain, and our resilience relies on how we relate to that fact. Mindfulness doesn’t mean everything’s fine or that we’re calm all the time. We aim for patience, clarity, and then—when it’s time—skillful action.
Whatever we face, we can meet uncertainty with compassion. This might look like carving out a moment to settle before deciding what comes next. Instead of remaining caught up in reactivity, anger, and fear, it takes effort and training to find a balance between accepting what we cannot change and seeking out where to actively put our effort.
The heart of mindfulness means doing our best to navigate our experience, even our crises, with both precision and compassion.
Take a moment when you’re able to explore that balance. The heart of mindfulness means doing our best to navigate our experience, even our crises, with both precision and compassion.
A Mindful Walking Practice to Meet Uncertainty with Compassion
1. So as you start, focus on what it feels like to walk. Notice the physical sensation of each step. Notice your foot rising, the shift of weight in your body, and then your foot returning to the ground.
2. You might label each step as step. Or you might count small runs of steps, perhaps up to 10, and then start again.
3. Note your mind’s tendency to add on to your experience, often in ways that complicate even the most challenging moments. Your mind may already be wandering into the future or the past. When you catch yourself lost in thoughts like that, come back again to one step.
4. And now, if you’d like, expand your awareness. Notice sounds around you. With a sense of unforced and balanced effort, notice smells, touch, and sights.
5. With a sense of strength and perhaps appreciation, immerse yourself in the physical sensation of the walk that you’re taking.
6. If a thought or a feeling holds your awareness or becomes a distraction, see if you’re able to practice letting go a little. Notice that sense of getting hooked or tied up in your thoughts and then come back again to that immediate physical sensation of each step.
7. Noticing those thoughts, return your attention again to the physical sensation of taking your walk.
8. For the last few minutes of the practice, if you’d like, focus on a sense of kindness and compassion. You’re not alone right now. Everyone around the world is struggling to get by.
You’re not alone right now. Everyone around the world is struggling to get by.
9. So as you walk, taking in your reality, remind yourself: This is what is right now for me. This is where I am—observing my emotional state, my state of mind, and thoughts.
10. And then as you walk, wish yourself whatever you would wish for your closest friends right now.
May I be happy and at ease.
May I recover my sense of resolve and strength.
11. If it feels comfortable, you might also expand that. Picture your family and friends in the same way.
May we all find our sense of resolve and ease.
May we all stay healthy and safe.
12. And if, while you’re walking, you encounter other people or even pass other houses, you may take a moment to offer those strangers the same wishes. Whoever they are, whatever their life experience, everyone has their struggles. So as you pass these other people, or their homes, wish them well.
May you find health and happiness.
13. As we end the formal mindfulness practice, expand your awareness to all beings everywhere—even the ones you find most difficult and challenging. Everyone in some way is driven by a motivation to be free of suffering, to be free of stress, to be healthy, to be happy.
May everyone everywhere throughout the world find a sense of resilience, stay healthy, and find happiness.
Follow along as Rhonda Magee guides us through a S.T.O.P. practice for focused awareness. The invitation is to be kind to yourself, take a conscious breath, and gently relate to thoughts, emotions, and sensations that arise. Read More
When we dislike someone, it’s much harder to recognize their humanity. This guided meditation supports us in releasing tension in the body and cultivating compassion, even for a difficult person.
No matter whether we seek to get along with everyone, or have been known to cherish a grudge or two, we all know of a person whom we disagree with or who challenges us in some way. When you bring this person to mind, what do you notice? You may feel physical tension, anxiety, or other unpleasant sensations in the body.
In this meditation, Anu Gupta guides us in simple phrases of compassion and loving-kindness that allow us to remember: Just like me, this person is also human. Just like me, they have their own joys, desires, and struggles. Offering kind wishes to someone difficult is a powerful way to expand our circle of compassion. We don’t have to like them, but we can cultivate compassion for them by softening our resistance and acknowledging their humanity.
A Guided Meditation for Sending Compassion to a Difficult Person
Begin by settling into a comfortable seated posture, either on a cushion or a chair. Rest your feet on the ground below you. Place your hands on your knees or in your lap. Let your shoulders relax, your spine straight and relaxed, keep your chin parallel to the ground below you, and bring your eyes to a gentle close.
Bring your attention to your breath. Notice your inhales and your exhales. The breath is oftentimes a reflection of the mind. It’s just bringing awareness to the breath to settle the mind.
Notice if you’re holding any tension in any part of the body. Bring that to awareness and gently ask that body part to relax. Whether it’s your tongue, your shoulders, or your feet. Relax. Relax. Relax.
As you breathe in and you breathe out, bring to mind a person you’ve had some difficulty with. It doesn’t have to be the worst person you know, or someone who’s caused you a lot of harm, but someone you dislike. Someone who’s challenging. Someone that brings up some sort of resistance in your body. It could be a public figure. It could be someone you know.
Let yourself feel what it’s like to be in that person’s presence. Bring to attention any tension, dislike, or disgust that may arise because you’ve brought this person’s image in your mind. Just notice it, noticing these unpleasant sensations. But also remember that just like you, this person is also a human. Just like you, this person was also a baby at some point. Just like you, this person is also subject to sickness, to old age and to death.
Now, imagine this person as a baby. And now offer this difficult person some words of kindness. Just like me, you’re human. May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be healthy. May you live with ease. May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be healthy. May you live with ease. May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be healthy. May you live with ease.
Repeat these phrases of compassion for this difficult person over and over again. Notice the discomfort if it arises. Notice the resistance. And then say to the resistance, Just like me, you’re human. Just like me, you’re human. May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be healthy. May you live with ease. Keep repeating these phrases for as long as you like.
After your next exhale, bring your chin to your chest, stretching the back of your neck. Thank you for your practice today.
Tony, age 50, is by far the oldest on the church stage during the flute recital. Surrounded by elementary-aged kids wearing frilly dresses and shiny shoes, Tony stands tall, wearing a red bow tie, and proudly holding his flute. He’s willing to weather the looks of surprise as he towers over the other musicians, and is uplifted seeing the look of pride on his wife’s face in the crowd as he plays.
It hasn’t always been this way, though. Tony faced a lot of self-doubt in picking up the flute again after 50 years. He carried its case with him in every move, but was hesitant to open it. He didn’t want to be reminded of how long it’s been since he had practiced. It seemed too hard to pick up again. He didn’t know if he had the lung capacity anymore and was afraid of calling a flute teacher who might criticize him the way his high school band coach did. Tony also thought he didn’t have time to play. He was too busy working and taking his wife to doctor’s appointments, his wife who recently was diagnosed with cancer. Playing the flute and creative expression felt secondary to more important things.
What Keeps Us Stuck
What about you? I imagine you have creative activities that are lurking in the background that you keep putting off.
You tell yourself you don’t have enough time, that it’s too late, or that you are too old. Or, maybe you hold back because you think you aren’t good enough. You too have a box of art supplies, an instrument case, a list of classes, or a good idea that you have been lugging around for years. Or, maybe you are already doing it, but only doing it half way.
If you made a list of all the ideas you’ve had but never pursued, the activities you loved but put on the back burner, or artistic pursuits that you’ve always wanted to try, but never had the courage—what would rise to the surface?
Let’s find out. Grab a sheet of paper or open your note-taking app and make a list of any activities and pursuits that come to mind. When you’re done, read it over. Notice what you’re feeling and where in your body you feel it.
You might feel a sense of grief or regret. Maybe some confusion. Maybe frustration. Or, maybe you just feel resigned that this is just the way it is.
If you’re feeling stuck and you’re curious about how to move forward, let’s look at a few of what I call Wisdom Building Questions that can draw out your creative courage and expression. These can make an excellent journaling exercise.
1. What Do You Value Most?
Early in our therapy together, I asked Tony about activities he used to love to do, but has put on the back burner because of the stress and the business of life. The first thing he said was playing the flute. And he lit up while talking about it.
I followed his energy and asked more questions.
Tony described how he loved playing the flute as a teenager. It was a way to express himself when she couldn’t with words, and it felt good in his body to breathe out a long, slow breath during times of stress. Plus, music connected him to his mother, who passed away two years ago, and whom he was still grieving. His father loved classical music, and when he played his father’s favorite pieces, he could feel a connection. It soon became obvious that flute playing wasn’t secondary to other important things: it was what revitalized him, de-stressed him, and connected him when he needed support.
With just a short exploration of his values, Tony was motivated to open that flute case and start playing again—not just for the fun of it, but for the psychological richness and depth the creative expression could offer him.
What about you? When it comes to your creative expression, what do you value most?
2. What Are You Avoiding, What Are You Clinging To?
When you hit writer’s block or keep canceling that jiu-jitsu class, it’s likely because you are caught in avoidance or gripping.
Recall that avoidance involves running away from discomfort, even if it means running away from what you really want. And that gripping involves holding on to beliefs about yourself, things staying the same, or attaching to a certain product at the expense of letting the process evolve.
For Tony, gripping looked like comparing herself to a younger, better flute player. And avoidance looked like opening up his emails instead of opening that music case.
Here are some quick ways you can identify clinging and avoiding:
Are You Gripping?
Are you believing unhelpful thoughts that are getting in the way of your creativity, such as, “I can’t keep a tune,” “I’m too short,” or “I don’t have enough time?” What are they?
Are you attached to an identity like, “I’m a guy, I can’t learn to knit” or “I’m a mom, I can’t belly dance”? What identity are you attached to?
Are you holding tight to an outcome you can’t necessarily control like hitting the bestseller list for your book, getting chosen to be in a show for your art, or gaining a certain number of followers? What outcome keeps you rigid and bound up?
Are You Avoiding?
Are you giving up when it gets frustrating, hard, or it feels like it’s going nowhere? What feelings make you quit?
Are you hiding your work, not showing it to others, afraid of feedback? What do you fear people will think?
Are you packing your schedule so there’s no time to create or scheduling over the times you set aside to create? What are you afraid will happen if you prioritize creativity?
Do you cancel plans, opt out, distract yourself? What’s so hard about showing up?
Are you only putting in half effort? What do you fear would happen if you were all in?
3. Are You Stuck in A Story?
After reading through your answers, see if you can uncover the big picture story that is keeping you stuck. Here’s Tony’s:
I am too old to play the flute again, it’s going to be too hard, and it’s humiliating to get on a stage with a bunch of kids. Everyone will laugh at me. Plus my wife needs me. It’s selfish and not worth my time.
What might your story be? And what might you gain by being willing to let it go?
If you see yourself in Tony’s story, and you can identify the lines you might be telling yourself over and over again that are keeping you scared and stuck—your job here is to face that story head-on and start to unravel it, so that you can open up your energy to move your creative expression up and out. This is how you begin to create an environment that will support your bold move.
A fun fact about hummingbirds is that they are wary of loud noises. Barking dogs and loud music can scare the tiny creatures away because they don’t feel safe in noisy environments. People respond to unsafe environments like hummingbirds. We avoid situations that don’t feel safe, and when we find ourselves in one, we don’t stay long. But here’s where people differ from hummingbirds: safety issues can confuse us. Sometimes, we don’t recognize that the reason we’re uncomfortable is because we don’t feel safe, and other times we think we feel uncomfortable because we’re not safe, even though that’s not the reason.
What do you need to be safe and take care of yourself ? The answer may not be as straightforward as it seems. Safety depends, at least in part, on whom you’re with, where you are, and how you feel. When I was in my twenties and thirties, living in New York City on my own, I regularly assessed whether riding the subway at a particular hour or in a certain neighborhood was safe. Later, living in Los Angeles with young children, I made a judgment call on whether their climbing on the high bars of a rickety jungle gym was safe. When they got older, I balanced their wish to be with friends against whether their driving a long distance at night was safe. As an empty nester, my focus shifted back to my husband Seth and me, and whether choices like getting a walk-up apartment rather than one in an elevator building made sense since our ability to climb stairs carrying luggage or groceries would change as we grew older. The answers to these questions hinged on physical safety and the odds of someone getting hurt.
I don’t think about safety in such literal terms anymore. I now see safety as more nuanced and recognize the ways that my reactions spring from an evolutionary survival mechanism designed to keep me alive to pass my genes on to future generations, rather than critical thinking. We’re hardwired for survival. None of the ideas or takeaways I describe are scary. Still, some might carry you outside your comfort zone and trigger the survival mechanisms that run automatically when you’re in physical danger.
When we feel safe, we’re in our comfort zones, where we perform well, set appropriate boundaries, rest, recharge, and reflect. It feels good when we’re in our comfort zones, but it’s not where we take risks or where much growth takes place. Development takes place when we’re on the far edge of our comfort zones, stretching existing skills and abilities. When a stretch is in reach, but we feel unsafe anyway, one of our innate survival mechanisms can switch into gear and shut us down. Then, a mechanism designed to protect us short-circuits our growth and gets in the way of reaching our goals. This tendency can be mitigated in several ways, but for now, I’ll mention one: kindness.
As far back as Charles Darwin, scientists, philosophers, artists, and poets have drawn a straight line between our warmhearted urge to respond to suffering with kindness and the likelihood that we’ll survive, even thrive.
As far back as Charles Darwin, scientists, philosophers, artists, and poets have drawn a straight line between our warmhearted urge to respond to suffering with kindness and the likelihood that we’ll survive, even thrive. To borrow from the preface of Dacher Keltner’s excellent book, Born to Be Good: “[S]urvival of the kindest may be just as fitting a description of our origins as survival of the fittest.”
Navigating Sorrow With Kindness
I was introduced to the poem “Kindness” from Naomi Shihab Nye’s first poetry collection when I heard it recited by Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). Kabat-Zinn and his teaching partner Saki Santorelli (at the time, executive director of the Center for Mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts medical school) were international rock stars in the secular mindfulness world, and I was primed to listen. It was early morning, midway through a weeklong MBSR retreat/training in the late 1990s at the Mount Madonna retreat center in Northern California. Light streamed through the floor-to-ceiling windows in the meditation hall to backlight Kabat-Zinn, who was sitting cross-legged on a meditation cushion, up on a dais. The golden early morning light gave him and the entire session an otherworldly quality. He recited the poem from memory to a room full of meditators sitting around him in a semicircle, most of whom were also sitting cross-legged on cushions. One of the images in the poem stood out then and has remained with me since:
You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth.
I’m struck by how often I’ve remembered this image of the enormity of sorrow in the world since I first heard it. The phrase has come back to me when someone I love has fallen ill or has died and when the loved ones of people close to me have struggled with illness or death. The size of the cloth hit me at an even greater level of magnitude as I watched news coverage of the Twin Towers coming down on 9/11 in New York City. The size of the cloth was almost unimaginable when I saw footage of the refrigerated trailers parked in front of hospitals in New York City functioning as temporary morgues during the early days of the pandemic. Maybe the theme of Shihab Nye’s poem that “it’s only kindness that makes sense anymore” resonated with me because it echoed rabbinic sage Hillel the Elder’s call to action: “If not now, when? If not me, who?”
Discomfort is one way our bodies ask us to listen.
Scientists have long suspected that kindness in response to other people’s pain is a survival mechanism that’s wired into our nervous systems. What’s often harder for people to remember is that kindness in response to our own sorrow is also a survival mechanism. For many of us, being kind to ourselves is more of a leap than being kind to others. It was for me. I thought kindness was the Golden Rule we teach young children—do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It didn’t occur to me to apply the Golden Rule to myself. I wanted to be a good mother, a good partner with Seth in providing for our family, and to make a difference in the world. I was one of the lucky ones and wanted to pay it forward. There was no room for me to take it easy. The harder I tried to do good and be good, the more of a toll it took on me. Still, it didn’t register that the pace at which I was working was unkind to my family and me. I had to burn myself out emotionally and physically a few times before I could internalize the commonsense truth that discomfort is one way our bodies ask us to listen. Just as it took me a while to develop a more nuanced stance toward safety, it took me time to adopt a more expansive idea of kindness that included being kind to myself.
Exploring What Safety and Kindness Feel Like
The following practices and activity-based takeaways are designed for you to integrate into daily life easily. Doing them shouldn’t be a heavy lift and tax you, but sometimes, mindfulness and meditation bring up big feelings that are painful to confront. Please be kind to yourself. Take a break if you feel overwhelmed or if discomfort becomes too much to manage easily. Time is your friend when it comes to inner discovery, and you have plenty of room to allow the process to unfold at its own pace.
Practice: Reflect on What You Need to Feel Safe
Identifying your safety needs and factoring them into your choices are a meaningful and effective way to be kind to yourself. Ask yourself, “What do I need to feel safe?” “Are my safety needs being met?” “How?” If they aren’t being met, “Why not?” Remember that whether you feel safe depends on various factors, including if you’re tired, hungry, or stressed. When safety and inclusion needs are unacknowledged and unmet, our nervous systems are ripe to become hijacked by one of our innate survival mechanisms.
Reflecting on safety needs can seem like a waste of time. When you’re in your comfort zone, it’s easy to miss the point of looking at what it takes to feel safe. Here’s why you should do it anyway: If you identify your safety needs up front, while you’re in your comfort zone, you can better take care of yourself later when you are outside of it.
Find a comfortable place where you won’t be interrupted. Close your eyes or softly gaze ahead or downward.
A few breaths later, listen for the loudest sound. When you are ready, listen for the quietest sound. Don’t chase a sound that’s hard to hear; relax and let it come to you. Let your mind be open and rest in the whole soundscape.
Ask yourself, “What does it take to feel safe and welcome in a new situation?” Hold the question in mind and listen to the answers that emerge.
When you’re ready, open your eyes if they are closed and jot down your insights.
Then, draw three concentric circles on a blank piece of paper. Prioritize your insights by writing the most important ones in the inner circle. Write those that are the least important in the outer circle. Write what’s left on your list in the circle in between. All your insights matter, but doublecheck to ensure the essential items are in the inner circle.
Review the diagram and consider ways to increase the odds that, in a new situation, you will feel safe and included.
Takeaway: How might connecting with playfulness, attention, balance, and compassion help you feel safer and more welcome?
Practice: Let Yourself Be Immersed in Self-Compassion
Throughout our evolutionary history, humans have relied on kindness to survive. Strong social bonds, effective communication, and meaningful collaboration create a supportive external environment that allows us to thrive in diverse situations and overcome challenges. Similarly, we create a supportive internal environment when we are kind to ourselves, one where we become more emotionally resilient. Kindness is a self-reinforcing behavior. By being kind to ourselves, we can better support and care for those around us. By being kind to others, we build trust, strengthen relationships, and create a sense of social support and belonging that helps us cope with stress and navigate adversity.
I first learned about the following self-compassion practice reading Zen priest Edward Espe Brown’s book No Recipe: Cooking as a Spiritual Practice where he writes: “[I]n the early ’80s, when Thich Nhat Hanh was giving a talk prior to departing from the San Francisco Zen Center where I was living, he said he had a goodbye present for us. We could, he said, open and use it anytime, and if we did not find it useful, we could simply set it aside. Then he proceeded to explain that, ‘As you inhale, let your heart fill with compassion, and as you exhale, pour the compassion over your head.’”
Imagine you are in a sweltering but beautiful jungle, holding a coconut shell in one hand. Can you feel the rough shell against the palm of your hand? Picture a wooden barrel filled with cool rainwater on the ground next to you. Can you see your reflection in the sparkling water?
Imagine the rainwater is a nectar of compassion that soothes busy minds and big feelings. As you breathe in, imagine filling the coconut shell with compassionate rainwater. As you breathe out, imagine pouring the nectar of compassion over the crown of your head.
Let go of the images of the bucket and coconut shell to focus on sensation. Imagine what it would feel like for a nectar of compassion to wash over you and soothe your body from head to toe.
Starting at the crown of your head, feel the compassion rinse slowly over your face and head, then over your neck, shoulders, chest, upper arms, lower arms, and hands.
Move your attention to your torso and imagine feeling a nectar of compassion wash slowly over your torso, pelvis, upper legs, knees, lower legs, and feet.
When you’re ready, lightly rest your attention on your outbreath. If thoughts and emotions arise, don’t fight them. With no goal or purpose, allow your mind to be open and rest.
Takeaway: Find at least one way to be kind to yourself today, then see if there’s a ripple effect.
Soon after my husband died, I invited my parents for lunch, and said that my brother couldn’t make it so there would only be the four of us. My mother asked who else would be joining us—who was the fourth person? In two heartbeats I did the math, and realized that there would not be four of us. No, there would only be three. I was no longer Mike-and-Elaine. I was just Elaine. My math had changed. And that was going to take some getting used to.
Death, and endings of all sorts, can shock you in so many ways. One of the most slyly discombobulating is the change of identity that can slam into you at the same time that everything else is also falling apart. Maybe, like me, you’ve been part of a couple and now you’re a singleton. Or maybe you gave up a cherished role or identity to take care of someone, and now that you are no longer needed as a caretaker, you might feel like you’re hanging out in limbo.
Even something we dread can sneakily become part of our identity. Whether you love or loathe your life and responsibilities, you may not have noticed how much of your identity comes from being a spouse, a lawyer, a sibling, or even an independent. Then one not-so-fine day you lose a job, a limb, or a loved one, and grief throws you into confusion as you look around at your strange new life and try to figure out who you are now.
It makes perfect sense that being hurled into the unknown can feel distressing. Mindfulness supports your resilience by helping you recognize that whether you want it or not, something new is beginning and maybe that’s not all bad news.
When you are grieving, it can feel so hard to look up, or look around—and as you try to navigate this unfamiliar landscape, you might experience pain and want to retreat. But if you can take a breath, and employ openness and curiosity, you might discover new possibilities hidden in plain sight.
It can feel scary to lose your familiar identity—but as long as you’re alive, there are still more yous waiting to be discovered.
It can feel scary to lose your familiar identity—but as long as you’re alive, there are still more yous waiting to be discovered.
Who Am I Now? A Practice for Exploring Identity
Use this four-step practice to find your footing again after an identity-shifting loss.
Step 1: Investigate. What identity do you want to inhabit? As sad as you may feel about what has ended, what possibilities might there be that weren’t previously available?
Step 2: Explore. What do you need to help you accept your changing identity? If you are not sure, take as much time as you want to ask yourself: could you use a coach or a mentor? A new relationship? A support group? Retraining, or a geographical move? You’re in new territory. This is a great moment to be open and curious.
Keep a list of whatever you stumble across that just might be a piece in the puzzle of your ever-changing identity. What might you want to try, even just for a little while? Your life may be different, but you are still here living it. Dare to dream big. The biggest adventures are all made up of a zillion small, rich, and important steps. Take the adventure to be the fullest version of whoever you are.
The biggest adventures are all made up of a zillion small, rich, and important steps. Take the adventure to be the fullest version of whoever you are.
Step 3: Stabilize. Grief can shake up your thinking, your digestion, and how you react to situations. One way to stabilize is to notice when you feel that you are under stress. Instead of ignoring it, immediately use this as a call to arms—a call to loving arms, that is, as you physically or metaphorically wrap your loving arms around yourself and find a path to calm and grounding.
If you feel trapped by distressing thoughts about the past or the future, you may be able to see that if you could stay in the present, those thoughts would be easier to manage. So what might help you stay in the present? It can include something as simple as counting your breaths, silently or out loud, to give your attention somewhere to land other than in the painful memories of the past, and fearful thoughts about the future. This won’t get rid of anything, but it can help reduce stress by giving you a breather from all the intensity.
You could also explore moving your attention to your feet. Do you notice any sensations of tingling or numbness or contact or heat or itchiness? Do you notice that you have less attention available to be sucked into the land of difficult thoughts when you are trying to pay attention to subtle sensations in the feet?
If focusing on your feet isn’t your bag, you might try something very ordinary, like placing a comforting hand on your stomach, cheek, or chest, or anywhere on your body that makes you feel cared for and supported. Always make the choice to be your own best friend!
Step 4: Welcome the new. It’s not your imagination; your life isn’t what it was, and like it or not, whatever was will never be again—at least, not quite like that.
Feel free to take time to grieve, then recognize that this is a time for boldness. The unknown is what is here. What you get to choose is the way forward. So come on, step out into that awaiting unknown and welcome the identity that offers you the greatest opportunity to explore the constantly renewing present moment.
