Teen dating isn’t ever innocent puppy love. Some young people can get involved in emotionally abusive or even violent ties-in. How common is this? What are some of the signs of teen dating savagery and how can family and working friends facilitate?
In today’s show, adviser Joelle Shipp explains why young people can end up in these kinds of situations and how they can get out of them. She also shares the 3 components of healthy relationships.
Guest information for’ Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Podcast Episode
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC deserved her Master of Art in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Appalachian State University in Boone, NC with a concentration in Marriage and Family Counseling. She received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Winthrop University in Rock Hill, SC. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor( LCMHC) in the state of North Carolina and is certified by the National Board of Certified Counselors. Joelle knows that different seasons of life introducing different challenges. She became a therapist in order to support parties through those challenges, recognizing that it is helpful to have support during these seasons. Joelle works with people to identify controversies, process damaging conceive patterns and develop healthful sciences in order to gain freedom and build confidence. Joelle prioritizes creating a safe, authenticating and encouraging space for buyers. As a woman of colour, she hopes that her identity spurs anyone else who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. She knows it is important that everyone is able to access mental health care so that they can be their best versions of themselves and she seriously adores being able to watch parties build up the gallantry to truly care for themselves.
About The Psych Central Podcast Host
Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and talker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular bible, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Sees, available from Amazon; indicated facsimiles are also accessible directly from the author . To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.
Computer Generated Transcript for’ Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Episode
Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer rendered and therefore may contain mistakes and grammar flaws. Thank you.
Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest professionals in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday conversation. Here’s your legion, Gabe Howard.
Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s escapade of the Psych Central podcast. Calling into the show today we have Joelle Shipp MA, LCMH. Joelle works with people to identify editions, process injurious believe structures and develop health talents in order to gain freedom and build confidence. As a woman of dye, she hopes that her identity encourages anyone else who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. Joelle, welcome to the show.
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Thank you so much for having me. I’m really happy to be here.
Gabe Howard: Well, thank you for coming in, Joelle. I’m very excited to have you. And today we’re going to discuss teen dating cruelty. Now, why specific are we concentrates on teen dating cruelty rather than time dating cruelty or adult dating savagery?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence can occur in adults as well, but oftentimes our relationships tend to form in our teenage years. So whether that’s friendship or whether that’s nostalgic relationships.
Gabe Howard: What accurately is the definition of teen dating savagery?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So teen dating violence can be any form of violence that currently exists in a dating affair. That can include oral corruption, psychological insult, physical misuse or sexual abuse.
Gabe Howard: In my intellect, when I firstly heard you say teen dating violence, I’m immediately pondering physical violence, you are aware, individual was punched, pushed. There was some physical contact with the other person. But in your clarity, you talked about like feelings violence. Can you sort of separate those out of why that’s an issue? Because, myself included, the course that I was collected, I get kind of a attaches and stones may break your bones various kinds of feeling. And I know that’s not accurate.
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yeah, so when you ask about that, some examples can be name calling or someone being formed enjoyable of or feeling stupid or worthless, and it can also look like manipulation, very. And so oftentimes, like you said, we think of violence and we reckon physical, but that can be in a mental and feeling route as well.
Gabe Howard: How big-hearted of a problem is teen dating cruelty?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence actually changes hundreds of thousands of teens each year. There’s been studies that show that at least 43% of date college maidens report suffering some type of violence in their relationships. And then when we even “ve been thinking about” the LGBTQ community that more than 40% have actually reported is in conformity with an abusive relationship.
Gabe Howard: There can be a bad relationship, a negative relationship, a relationship that’s not good, that’s not abusive, right? Because trying to think about like my own blooming, you are aware, when I was in high school, I was in” bad affairs .” And I’m making air mentions because they weren’t abusive. We didn’t call each other appoints. There was no manipulation. But when we broke up, my mothers used to be like, oh, thank God you did not bring out the best in one another. And I didn’t really understand that until I became an adult. I guess I’m trying to tease out the difference between an abusive affair and a bad relationship.
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So bad relations, kind of like you were sharing, is that they don’t bring out the best in us sometimes, perhaps our climates may be modified, our behaviours may be modified. How we decide to start considering others may change. But when we start seeing abusive relationships that obviously tends to take an emotional impact on us, it can affect our self-esteem, it can affect our attitudes, whether we may start to experience like depression or some anxiety whenever we’re in abusive rapports, we are to be able to forestalled doing some of the things that we used to enjoy because we may fear that, oh, my partner is going to say something or they might start to feel like they have some limitation over us to where we’re not able to live our lives in a normal and healthy way.
Gabe Howard: I’m curious as to why somebody would want to abuse their partner, because it just seems so, it time doesn’t seem like something that somebody would want to do. But we know that it happens. And as “youve said”, it’s somewhat common.
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Oftentimes, whenever we’re talking about a partner being abusive, often they’re trying to gain some superpower and control over person or persons, they may feel out of control in other areas of their life. And so to gain some of that button, they may start to attempt that in their relationships. Too, terms poor or harmful relations ought to have modeled. So perhaps say you have an individual who understood their parents engaged or maybe they had a parent that was dating a lot of people who are maybe abusive in an emotional course or a physical behavior. And they are able to start to think that that’s OK.
Gabe Howard: When I think about any type of dating cruelty, whether it’s teen dating violence or adult dating brutality, I ever think that the male is the aggressor, that they’re the problem. But we know that girls can contribute to dating violence as well. Is that true-life?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, that is very true. So a great deal of ages in national societies, we recognize the male, the masculine, as maybe the attacker, the person that is doing the abuse in these relationships. But we also is acknowledged that women can be not only emotionally abusive, but too verbally and physically abusive in relationships as well. And then when we too consider relationships that are non heterosexual, that individual, regardless of how they distinguish, can also be the abusive partner.
Gabe Howard: Thank you so much, Joelle. Let’s talk about when person leaves an abusive relation, does the abuse immediately tip because the relationship has been separated?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Definitely not. Sometimes, and I ever think it’s great whenever that person decides that they do not want to be a part of this relationship that’s causing them stress, nervousnes, dimple, the aggressor can continue to reach out to that person. They may even start to make threats of, if you leave me, I will do this. And so what’s always really important is to make sure that you have that safety support around you. So whether that’s friends or home, and sometimes that even intends get law enforcement agencies involved merely to make sure that you’re in a safe situation to leave that environment. You always was necessary to make sure that you have the resources to keep yourself safe.
Gabe Howard: One of the interesting things that you said there is that we should rely on our friends and family if we’re trying to get out of an abusive relation. What opinion do you have for friends and family who are trying to help their loved ones who may be in an abusive relation?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: When we consider abusive ties-in, oftentimes people will try to leave those relationships more than once, and you’re the person who’s on the outside glancing in and so you see that it’s an unhealthy affair. You require your loved one to got to get out. And so I would just share patience is really key, apparently always carrying concern, but inducing assured that you recognize that that person may say they want to leave, may even attempt to once or twice or three times. But simply starting sure that you’re able to be present and maybe taking that seat enabled to to make the decision for themselves, but also to try to be there for them whenever they do must be established that confidence and that firmnes to get out for good.
Gabe Howard: Along the same fronts, what are some signs that a teen might be experiencing dating violence?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: One of the big-hearted things is that you might realise some behavior or attitude reforms that could look like lying, stealing or maybe even isolating themselves from people or acts they used to like to do, they might start to experience anxiety about being around their partner for panic of they might say something wrong or they might do something wrong or they might look at somebody and it may imply something that they don’t mean. Another indicate to look out for is even some substance use. So if your teen starts to use alcohol or narcotics, oftentimes that can be a numbing from the pain that they’re experiencing or maybe even a distraction from the abuse. And then one big-hearted thing is that they may start to express some suicidal ideation or homicidal ideation, whether that’s judgments or feelings of not wanting to be there because they feel like I precisely want to escape, I want to avoid this pain from this abusive relationship, or they may start to get feelings of hatred or anger towards their partner and have estimations of wanting to harm them.
Gabe Howard: How does a teenager keep safe in a dating relationship? What signeds should they look out for?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: The one thing that’s really important for anyone when you’re getting into a relationship is it’s really important to know who you are as an individual, your likes, your interests, know your values, and then likewise building sure that you’re creating positive self-esteem for yourself so that you’re able to know when someone is treating you in a way that you don’t want to be treated. I would hope that a lot of us have a good meaning of I want to be treated with respect or kindness, I don’t want anyone to talk negative about me or say names that oblige me feel bad about myself. And whenever you’ve got that confidence in you, you’re less likely to allow other people to say those things to you. I think it’s also helpful to make sure that to foster open communications with your marriage and so setting healthy the regulation and expectancies within your relationship and too understanding not only your borderlines, but their borderlines as well, and then too spawning sure that you have trusted friends or family members and that you can discuss potential concerns with. It’s always helpful to be able to have someone that you trust. If you have a concern and you’re like, you are aware, I’m not sure about this, or they may be said that, what do you think? Just to various kinds of get some feedback on concerns you may have within your relationship?
Gabe Howard: I like that, I like that a great deal and to sort of change gears merely a little bit, I think that maybe a lot of girls don’t understand what constituents make a healthy rapport. I make, we’re young at that senility, we’re new, we’re experiencing things. And I think that maybe, I think that maybe there’s a lot of teenagers that don’t understand that this is unhealthy. And I know that there’s three important components that even out a health relation. Can you talk about those for a few moments?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, one is communication, it’s always important to have a safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a health action, and whenever you’re doing it in a healthful lane, you don’t have any fear that you’ll be harmed in a physical, oral or feelings mode. Another thing that’s also important is being able to have respect not only for yourself, but for the other person. And so a lot of terms in relationships, you are aware, there’s these common things that there is a requirement to like everything. We have to fit in like two peas in a pod. But oftentimes we have very different views and minds about certain things. And it’s not always necessary to agree on everything, but it’s important to compromise in some situations or be able to respect those changes. And then the last one that I would share is establishing sure that you have care for that person. And so knowing that that person cares for you, that they have no planneds of injuring you in any way. And a great deal of meters that this is shown not only by their terms, but by their actions, because we can say a lot of talk, but our activities prove our true-life aims for other people.
Gabe Howard: Specifically speaking about teens, and I know this is kind of a difficult question to answer, because, of course, you can’t be in the mind of every adolescent, but why do you think that teenagers end up in abusive or murderou affairs?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I think that teenages can often end up in these relationships, one, because they’re still trying to learn and understand themselves. It’s important to be able to communicate your likes and interest, but also those concerns as well. And sometimes teens may not know the words or know the best way to navigate those discourses, because sometimes we have this fear of, oh, they might not like me or they may judge me or they may think I’m weird. And so being able to confide in a trusted adult, to be able to express your concerns and maybe help them allow them to help you navigate how to how to have those conversations in a healthful way.
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Gabe Howard: We’re back discussing teen dating violence with healer Joelle Shipp. How large-scale of a role does just wanting to fit in or acceptance playing in potentially terminating up in a violent or abusive affair?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: It can definitely toy a big part. One large-hearted milestone in a team’s life is kind of having that first boyfriend or first lover or like interest. And so a lot of times boys can feel left out if they’re not date. And that’s one good thing to know that everyone does not date and it’s OK to not be in a dating relationship. What’s really important is that you just have really positive relationships in your life, whether that’s with your friends, with your families or with a dating marriage. There’s a lot of pressures that come from the outside in being in a relationship. I can think about when I was a teenager and hearing specific comments of, oh, you both gaze so great together or you play basketball and she encourages? That’s great. You are just the excellent marry. And so there’s a lot of influences sometimes from teen radicals just because there’s this clan or there’s this connection that meets you are so beautiful. And sometimes teens don’t want to perhap communicate those concerns. And so they feel those distress exactly to make it seem like everything’s going fine. They’re happy, they get along merely well when there could really be some emotional corruption going on or some verbal abuse. But because everyone sees things are great, let’s just try to keep and hold water that status in that popularity.
Gabe Howard: You are right, there’s an horrific much of pressure when it comes to being a teenager. I know from doctrine teenage suicide prevention that one of the things that we talk about is how adults are just so quick to dismiss such concerns of girls, because as adults, we now understand that it’s really not all that important when a girl says, oh, I’ve lost my significant other, and as an adult, we’re thinking, well, you’ll fulfill somebody else. And, you know, we have a mortgage and a profession and children and all the pressures that come with adulthood, we’re really, really quick to reject their concerns. But for them, that’s really kind of it. Right? This is one of the most adult things that they’ve ever done, been in a relationship with another person. Do you think that adults having this kind of laissez-faire attitude toward teen ties-in facilitates generate cover to abuse and violence?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: You know, I is undoubtedly concur, just as you were saying that, I couldn’t help but think you’re right, when we think of girls, a lot of the things that are most important to them right now is probably their clas, their friends, and whether they’re dating or not, you know it might be some plays and activities and hobbies. But that’s the magnificent scope of their life. And whenever we become adults, like you said, Gabe, we can kind of brush over those things that seem so hour, because now that we’re young adults, we ponder, oh, my gosh, there’s all these interesting thing that you’re going to have to be concerned about at some phase in your life. These are so little. And so it is so important that especially if you have that relationship with your teenage and they’re bringing up those concerns to really validate how they’re feeling, even if you don’t feel like it’s the biggest deal, because what’s really important to them is what they’re going through and experiencing right there. And we don’t ever want to create an environment where our teenages don’t feel like they can come and talk to us, especially if they’re convey a number of concerns that might be happening in their relationship.
Gabe Howard: I is to be able to be seen to what extent if when you broke up with your first significant other, you go to the adults in your life and they just fully ignore it, that you would be a lot less likely to want to go to the adults in your life to ask relationship questions like is it regular to be insulted or is it normal to be pushed? Or I feel influenced because you feel that they’re already approximate the relationship when something relatively common happened, because even adults have relationships that extremity. I can see where boys and parents merely have a very tough time connecting on the topic of relationships, date. What can parents do to make sure that their children are are equipped to wreaking these concerns or issues to them? Because as we’ve sort of been discussing, I don’t think that a lot of teenagers are asking mom and dad for relationship advice. And in order to be completely fair, I don’t think mom and dad are taking a lot of teenage liaisons very seriously.
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: No, I convey, that’s such a great spot, so the advice that I would give to parents is to make sure that you’re aware of who your teen is dating and spending time with. It may be humiliating to your teenage, but it can make a difference to be able to maybe invite them over to the house for dinner. Or maybe if your family is doing a game night on a Friday night, say hey, how about you invite your friend over so that we can get to know them and you’re able to observe those relationships and really to be able to build a relationship with your teen and the person that they’re dating. Another thing you can do is definitely model healthful ties and relationships for their own children. A lot of occasions parents don’t think that their girls are watching them, but they’re watching every move and every move you make and they’re listening to everything you say. And so being actually cognizant and aware of what you’re saying and doing because your teens can definitely model those things. Too uttering sure that you’re having a really healthy affair with your teenage, originating sure that there’s open communication so they know they can come and talk to you about any and everything. Now, whether the government has do that, they may decide there are some things that they come and talk to you about and they don’t.
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: But you don’t ever want them to feel like you cannot be a person that they can talk to openly and honestly with and being willing to listen. A batch of periods as mothers, we think that we know what’s best for the children, don’t know anything or they’re not as well informed. But a great deal of days we need to silence ourselves and hear from the child, how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. And then one of the last things that I would share, which I think is really important, is to be relatable. So I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to overshare information as an adult with their own children. But tell them be informed about your experiences as a teenager and maybe even your date event. I can think about when I was probably about 14 or 15 and I is in favour of a chap at institution. My mom shared with me information about her own dating knowledge in “schools “, maybe some peer pressings now or there, or even positive aspects about the relations between the two countries. And it just made me feel like, wow, I’m not just in this alone, like my mom has was just here, has done that and is giving me really good advice on how to navigate these relations in a health way.
Gabe Howard: It’s funny now that I’m an adult, I’m a middle aged man, I’m the same age that my parents were when they were listening to me describe how in love I was in high school and I have to give my mothers credit. I imagine that they is ready to flatten their hearts an sickening parcel, but if they did, I did not notice. And they listened. And I think that this helped me used to work. I don’t want to say tie-in problems because candidly, I’m not assured that I had them. And I don’t want to be so forceful as to say that to your point, because my parents stopped that honest communication. You know, I was expected to have my lover over for dinner. She was allowed to go on jaunts. And these things really made me feel like my affair was important. And again, I imagine that as adults, they did not think that relationship was important at all. And whether or not they were right is really irrelevant. And all of this type of manufactures me wonder, is this one of the main things that helps stop teen dating brutality before it starts? And what other things kind of go along with it? Because it seems like such a big, massive problem.
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I indeed believe that it clearly can play a really big role in eliminating a lot of teenage dating cruelty, specially if “youve had” parents who are in healthy relationships and provided frontiers within their relationships and adjusted borders and hopes within the family dynamics, then that’s something that’s already being modeled for you. And so a good deal of times you’re probably maybe easier able to point out when something precisely doesn’t seem freedom or someone says something to you and that just doesn’t seem right. If maybe one of your parents wouldn’t say that to another, your mothers, you might question whether it’s appropriate for someone to be saying it to you. Time like we were talking about before. It’s still important for adults to be aware, to not just take a backseat into these relationships, like you shared, that may seem like they’re not really important or they’re not going to last-place because they are important to your teenage. And it can really help avoid a lot of the teen dating savagery that we’re envision today.
Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so very much, I certainly appreciate all of your advice and for talking this out with me and the information that you have is incredible. Do you have any last words, especially for parents? Because I is a well-known fact that our public is not made up of a lot of teens, but I know that there are a lot of parents and there’s a lot of people who have boys in their lives. What information would you like to impart to them to make sure that they understand?
Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I guess my key takeaway for parents and adults would just be to play an active role in your child’s life, particularly in their teenage years. I think it’s always huge when boys have a great relationship with their parents and actually want to spend time with them. But I know that it also is likely to be challenging after having that teenage that kind of withdraws from that relationship, but always putting in the effort and that ability to try to connect with them in a way that’s meaningful for them and meaningful for you can time help foster a really good, healthy tie-in. And it can also make a really big impact on the different types of relationships that they will have throughout their life.
Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so much for being on the indicate. Where can our listeners find you?
Gabe Howard: Thank you, Joelle, so much better for being on the establish and to all of our listeners, delight subscribe rank and recollect wherever you downloaded this podcast, and delight share us on social media. And “when youre doing”, use your words. Tell folks why they should listen. And don’t be afraid to share us in email, the public setting or wherever people are discussing terrifying podcasts like ours. And recollect, you can get one week of free, handy, cheap, private online advise any time anywhere, simply by call BetterHelp.com/ PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.
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